I had a note left for me when I went to pick up my 4 year old from preschool yesterday afternoon to see the coordinator. Master Four was displaying aggressive behaviour toward another child and they wanted me to be aware of it.

My initial reaction was a feeling of shame. How could my loving child do this? Where did it come from? Why didn’t I foresee this? How could I stop it?

The coordinator was understanding. Yesterday there had been a sports carnival which the preschool children participated in. Master Four was very active and ran in every race he could. She felt that maybe he was tired.

I started to feel a little better. Then she said something ….he’s more immature than most of the other children.

What? How can a four year old be ranked on their maturity levels? I would have thought that, considering he had only been earth-side for four years, he had a pretty darn good excuse for displaying immaturity.

She then went on to list some other “concerning” behaviour.
  • Inability to sit still.
  • Having to be repeatedly told to do something before he would do it.
  • Running off from his teacher and thinking it a great game.
  • Climbing on tables.
  • Engaging in rough play.

From here it went downhill.

Master Four, as I was walking hurriedly from the classroom with my head down, asked me why I was in the other room talking.

I asked him what he had done today. And why did he hurt his friend. His answer was “because I did”. I told him that I was disappointed in him. I told him that I was very sad that he was not being a nice boy. He must have detected the sincerity in my voice because, although I didn’t yell, my little person cried.

He cried for most of the way home. He also managed to tell me through his tears that he did say sorry to his friend and that his friend wasn’t sharing. He also tried to smile and told me that he was a good boy because he helped pack up the toys and wasn’t told to.

I had hit a parenting low.

What was the right reaction to such behaviour? Do I address it with punishment? Do I try to explain it to an over-tired 4 year old why I was disappointed? Do I address it with cuddles? Do I ignore it? I was lost and no one could tell me what to do.

I followed my instincts. I let it go and carried on as normal. At bedtime we read a story together about school and talked about it. Then I cuddled him til he fell asleep. Did I do the wrong thing? Probably.

I then scoured the internet to see if I was expecting too much from him. Did he have behavioural issues? Was there an underlying condition that was making him this way? Was it because his father is away during the week and we only see him on weekends? Was it something that I’ve done? Does he have an uncontrollable anger? Does he have learning difficulties? Did I give birth to the anti-Christ?

It was none of these. It seems that I birthed boy.

I came across numerous articles which showed me that I wasn’t alone and that, for all intents and purposes, he was a perfectly “normal” 4 year old boy.

I found it quite interesting that, again and again, I came across papers published by paediatricians, psychologists and educators about the need to address the way we educate our boys and yet not much seems to have been done.

One article that I was reading was written by a director for a Head Start early learning centre (US) (Earlychildhood NEWS - Article Reading Center) on why boys struggle in most early childhood programs. She points out that the education system has always been viewed as favouring boys. Although it may be true of middle and high school it is not true in early childhood. Boys will play rougher. Boys are not apt to sit still for 45 minutes and cut and glue. Boys need to be physical. Boys can lack attentiveness. Boys have a poorer self-regulation than girls. Boys are more likely to be diagnosed with special needs. Boys develop at a different rate to girls.

When my eldest son started year 10, the mathematics and English classes were split into boys and girls classes. The boys where taught in a more hands-on way. The girls through song and a more “traditional” way. The boys went outside – a lot. What was interesting is that the level of achievement was brought more into line. While taught in two entirely different ways both groups achieved exceptional results.

I am going home tonight to embrace the boyness of my boy.
  • I will smile as he puts on his cape and jumps off the table and pretends he can fly.
  • I will try not to laugh when he says that his sausages for dinner look like poo.
  • I will kick the soccer ball around the backyard with him.
  • I will sit down and play lego – and try not to get upset when he pulls the arms off the lego men.
  • I will cuddle him – often.
  • I will cheer him on when he shows me how he has written his name, even if it does just resembles a few lines.
  • I will sing to him at night and read him stories.
  • I will smile when he dresses up as a cowboy (but also puts on my heels).
  • I will teach him manners.
  • I will show him love.
  • I will marvel at how wonderful yet another motorbike/ car/ truck/ train/ crane/ helicopter is.


Most of all, I will love him for who he is.