Not sure I'm ready to have this baby

[FabFiona]

My head is a bit all over the place at the moment. I've put on Frente to try and cheer me up, but it's not working particularly well.

Had an appointment with my OB yesterday. Unsurprisingly, the medication I'm taking for my high blood pressure isn't really doing much. I'm still getting 140 to 150 / 90 to 100 and have been for weeks. My OB is getting worried as it's not good for me to be sustaining this type of BP for this period of time.

I had a scan yesterday to check placenta and fluid levels. Baby is perfectly healthy. Growth is right on average for this point in pregnancy and baby is doing really well. So on that front, all is good.

My OB wanted to start talking about options for when I get to 37 weeks. Last time I was induced at 37 w 5 days as my BP was 220 / 160 odd. I took the tram to that appointment not realising anything was wrong!

For me, there is an order of preference for how things will go from now:
1. Go into labour spontaneously right on 37 weeks
2. Go into labour any time from now
3. Be induced with a favourable cervix

I'm very relaxed about being induced but anything beyond this doesn't really factor into my plans. I'm not keen to be induced if my cervix is not favourable as for me, I feel that I'm just setting myself up for an emergency c-section. A c-section is MOST DEFINITELY not on the plans. My OB is supportive of this so no need to have a fight there. But it's still in the back of my mind that this could be how the story ends....

And then there's the guilt over having this baby at all. This one was not planned. 2 under 2 was not in the spreadsheet of life planning. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope.

I feel guilty about not being able to give DS1 what he needs. He is still so little. He doesn't sleep through the night, we co-sleep as needed, he still has bottles, he's still my little baby! He's totally cheeky, has no fear and needs to be watched pretty constantly otherwise he'll be climbing into the oven or something else dangerous. I'm sure he'll try and carry his little brother into the oven with him to teach him how to get mum's attention.

I've been ordered by DH to take it easy for a few days and focus on me. I started mat leave a bit earlier this time and we've left DS in childcare. However instead of relaxing I've been catching up with people, having appointments and generally gallivanting around town. More exhausting than work.

So yeah, I'm a bit miserable today. I'm sure I'll come good and get my head around this but for the minute I'm very 'woe is me'.

Sigh.

[Harriet]

FabFiona - I have no advice... but given that we have the same EDD I can somewhat relate to the 'not ready' side of things.
I think your DH is right, you need to focus on you!
... and you're allowed to have 'woe is me' moments. I think its the right of every pregnant woman to have these.

Hope you do manage to take some time out for yourself and that everything goes well for you.
When is your next check-up?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

hun it sounds like you have a GREAT plan on how you want things to go and having an OB that supports you is wonderful news, i hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you in that regard.

In regards to not knowing if your ready, i can tell you 100% i've been there, therer was 15mth b/w DD1 & 2 and there were moments during my PG that i thought there was no chance in hell i would survive with 2 kids under 2.
It's a rational 'fear' and not something you should feel bad for.

I must say though for me it was easier than i had thought it was going to be, DD1 was really quite good with her sister and a lot gentler with her than i ever thought, she too is an adventurer and has unfortunately taught her sister all her tricks (no oven stuffing though ) try and think of the positives where you can.
When your trying to get something done he has someone else to keep him occupied, having a sibling really is a wonderful thing for little kids, they learn and grow together.

You will do an AMAZING job, think positive and remember your a MUM, we can do anything