Pressure to Have the "Perfect Birth"

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I'd also suggest that some women preparing for labour should cover their ears with their hands and loudly sing "la la la" whenever birthing opinions are offered.

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I'm not sure I agree with this. People who have experienced something we haven't experienced yet should be a good source of information for us. That used to be the only way people learnt about things. I think the thing is that those of us who have BTDT need to ensure that we share our experience in a postive and supportive way, and understand that our values and desires might not match those of the person we are talking to. And the person who is listening needs to filter the information, to try and understand the facts and important bits of what is being said, while discarding any emotion or persuavisness that is clouding the issue.

Sadly, the "advice offering" is only going to continue once the baby is born, so it doesn't hurt to learn early that "hmm interesting" is a suitable response whether you totally agree or not.

Girls firstly thanks for i think i may have saved a fortune on counsiller fees :lol: but i had a revelation last night or should i say at about 3am this morning when i was still lying awake pondering!
I am scared, very scared, im pregnant and this bub has to come out some how ! im terrified of another vb ( and in reference to history i meant a bit more recent, my mum almost died giving birth to me, in a rural birthing centre in S. Africa, my aunt and MIL both lost children during childbirth again in country locations and a good family friend who is also a midwife ended up with a child with severe diability and hydrocephalus after trying to have a vb without knowing she had placenta previa) this is more what i meant about more info today in regards to even are parents generation! and i am absolutly terrified of having a CS to me both have risks that i have to consider. I would like to also say that i have 2 very best friends both pregnant with their 1st and i would never say not to have natural birth nor harp on about my experience as everyones is so different. My advise to them has been simple be informed, be educated, be impowered but know that if things dont go to plan it doesnt make you any less of a woman and more importantly a mother!! I have felt like i have had no control over this whole process ive already taken such risks injecting myself with drugs everyday, a case of OHSS, surgery. There has been nothing natural about any of it !!! To be honest studying homoeopathics and natural medicine it goes against every grain in my body and i feel so "let down" by my beliefs. So as for my revelelation after all that ranting and raving:
Im angry and sad i feel so much of this wonderful process has been taken away from me and to end it with a CS just tops it all off, i can get as angry as i want with insensitive comments, having CS risks thrown at me at every turn and to be honest in another website which i abruptly left i almost felt abused, but its NOT their problem its mine and if i was feeling strong enough i probably wouldnt care what other people said. Im also jealous i want to have a beautiful empowering birth i want to rave about the wonder the beauty the joy, that i know it can be. BUT,I have been given such an important gift and gone through so much to have it. No matter how this child comes into the world i know it will be so loved, so wanted and needed. The birth of my son was horrendous i couldnt hold him for 3 days which i know isnt long, i expressed till i could feed him and when i finally picked him up it was the most wonderful moment. I cant imagine that i could possibly love or bond with him more, no matter what happened in the beginning. I heard the most wonderful analogy yesterday. A wedding is one day and no matter how great that day is or how awful it is or how things go wrong, it is ONE day and does NOT effect the state of the relationship be it good or bad!!
Today i feel empowered this baby is going to come into the world in whatever manner it does and i now know that it will not change the love or bond i will have with it, to me thats all that matters.
Sorry SB for hijacking your thread and once again thanks for the wonderful counsil :hug: (where would i be without BB) :grouphug:

Hi Scooby I was watching your other thread too and just wanted to say :clap: and :hug: - great to see that you are feeling better about the birth... You will be just fine. it's hard when you feel vulnerable and people are telling you all these things, often without knowing your situation. But good on you for making your own choices based on what's best for you and your baby. Everyone's situation is different and you have to choose what is right for you.
We'll all be right here cheering you on, whatever you decide.

Scooby - the difference is that you are armed with a lot of knowledge as to what will happen, and that is empowering! I often say that knowing the risks of something allows you to put into place measures to compensate for them. There are things you can implement, like skin to skin contact ASAP to establish BFing and bonding, natural third stage (if possible), so it doesn't all need to be taken completely out of your hands :) Knowledge is power, and you have that now.

Steffi - have you sent you a private message.

Natty

Scooby the problem with birth is when the choices are taken away, when it happens to you. But birth is not going to "happen" to you - YOU are going to HAPPEN to BIRTH! You've done a lot of research, you have fears, yes, but it hasn't stopped you learning about your options.

It sux that your choices are not as broad as other women's, but you still have the power to choose and that WILL make a difference. When all our options are limited, frightening or not quite what we want choosing can be so hard, but you know you seem well-informed and are managing to be calm in the face of this.

I have confidence in you Scooby. You will make the right choice for you, and you will get the best birth you can. Whether that be a vaginal birth where you prove the "short perineum" theory wrong, or a c-section which is calm and blissful (i myself was born that way) and you recover well from. Your eyes are open, your baby cannot ask for more.

Big :hug:

Bx

IMHO the perfect birth is that the mother got her wishes and both her and the baby are both healthy,theres too much pressure from others to do things a certain way because thats whats trendy,we are all different,we are all individuals,and what works for one does not necessarily work for all,we are not drones that have to do what other people do,the same goes for breastfeeding and bottlefeeding,you do whats right for you and what works,that my friends is the perfect birth....

I agree - and it doesn't stop at birthing, it continues forever really with the opinions about feeding options, stay at home or daycare, which daycare or kindy, which school. Why do women feel they have the right to judge what others choose?

I agree that there does seem to be a lot of pressure to have the so called 'perfect birth' which is never going to be the perfect birth for everyone. We're all individuals with very different ideas of what the 'perfect birth' is AND we don't know what is going to happen on the day our little ones choose to make their entrance into the world. There can be complications, the labour can be faster than expected (there may not be time for drugs), bubs may be overdue so an induction may be necessary, your pain threshold may be much higher than you ever expected or much lower. You may not have slept properly for a week therefore go into the labour exhausted from the beginning. There are so many factors that could change any of our plans for the perfect birth and we can only plan for so much.

I've found I'm actually experiencing the opposite sort of pressure though - I want to try to deliver naturally but so many friends think I'm a freak for wanting to do so! I've had several friends question why I would want do to that (hell, why not?!) or worse, they tell me that I won't be able to deal with the pain and deliver drug free. I get a lot of 'ah, it's your first baby so you have no idea what to expect and trust me, you won't be able to handle it'. Why, cause they didn't? Am I a carbon copy of them? I do appreciate their advice and stories but I hate being told that 'I can't do it' before I even had a chance to try.

I have nothing against the drugs at all and hey, I may just need them or other forms of intervention but my inital plan is to have faith in my body and just let it do what it was born to do. Why am I trying to be a 'hero' for feeling that way (yes, the word 'hero' has been used)? I have no doubt it will be painful and I don't know that I will be able to handle the pain and I cannot predict what the birth will be like but I CAN make the call now to just TRY and go natural.

I'm really appreciating the information and support I've received from those mums who have experienced both types of births so I've chosen to really listen to their stories from now on.

I have never felt pressure to have a" perfect birth" mainly because of my own attitude.

With DD1 I did everything the mids/obs wanted my to do and did not question a thing. In fact I was all geared up to have an epi/take the drugs as everyone urged me to do. Thankfully none of that was required. However, if I had done some more research I may not have been stuck on a bed for 3 hours hooked up to monitors and I may not have had to push for 2 hours if I had known more about birthing positions the unneccessary need to be hooked up to machines etc.

With DD2 I was more aware however this time around they broke my waters to speed things up!!! My labour went from managable to **** in 1 minute. Yes DD was born 5 mins later and I had a super quick birth but I tore incredibly. In hindsight I realise that I did not need my waters breaking at all, it was the staff who wanted my labour to be quick. I had other issues post birth as well.

With this next bub I have questioned all the little things that were not quite right with my other labours and I have done some research so I am going into this labour with an idea of what I definatetly don't want to happen and I have supported reasons for it. I guess I am a little less likely to take the medical staffs requests/recommendations at face value.

I still don't feel the pressure to have a perfect birth but my experience has taught me question things so that I can have the best birth possible at the time!!!

I can say that yes, I did feel pressured to have a vaginal drug free birth. I was so determined to have one and I guess I felt pressured because I knew I would have been so disappointed if I didn't have one. It wasn't pressure from others, it was myself! I found, like lulu mentioned, I was often scoffed at and asked why I wouldn't want an epidural and why I wanted to go through all that pain. In the end I didn't have a choice... my labour was too quick and I'm forever grateful!

This is a really interesting thread and I have read some things in here that I never really understood before - but boy, has it been a lot to take in!

I am having a baby in Sept and not really sure how I feel about the whole birthing thing (this will be my third time). I just want a healthy baby. I don't enjoy it at all, but I have found some of the posts from people who did very interesting. I am coping with it this time by not thinking about it too much. I have always seen birth as a means to an end so I have tried not to think too deeply about it (though I have read and educated myself and I do have a birth plan) but I really don't relish the thought of birth.

I really don't know what to think now - there was A LOT of info in this thread and while I was a bit skeptical about some of the things I was reading at the beginning, I am very interested and not so skeptical (though still not entirely convinced).

Sorry for hijacking this thread - it was meant to be about pressure for the perfect birth - I am not really sure how I would define 'perfect birth' as a general definition because it is all so relative to who you are talking to (professionals, other mums, pg women). I think there are a lot of pressures from all different sides for all different kinds of birth. At the end of the day, I think making an informed choice and having a plan is the best way to go.

My head is really swimming at the moment trying to process all the things i have read so sorry if this seems a bit all over the place.

I hear what you mean about the pressure!! My sister is a doula and has had an interesting road along her birth journey and so is really keen to help women become informed about their birth choices and so forth, which means at times she can go on and on and on.........

However as a woman about to have her first baby I have often felt alot of pressure with the eyes of everyone watching me to see how I do because of her influence in the local birthing scene. She knows everyone, and they all know who I am and that I am expecting

It not like I think that she or anyone else intends to make me feel like a prize show horse. It's just that they all talk about it like I have all of the ability to effect how my labour will go by sheer will power alone. And to be honest I would love to think that I am gonna be this great earth mummy... but in reality I just don't know how I am gonna go

So I have gone to calm birth and read alot about my choices, and I agree that it is really good to be informed and that birth is too intervened with these days......but I also understand why you would feel pressured to have the "perfect birth" cos I do to.

End of the day you have to live only with yourself. None of those people are gonna follow you home and help you live with the choices you make.. The only thing I would say is don't not listen to them because they make you fear failure(that's how it makes me feel at times). Take the information you feel will help you and ignore what makes you uncomfortable. I try to understand that alot of these women are really debriefing traumatic experiences with the rest of us in an effort to come to their own peace. Maybe by looking at it that way we who feel pressured can realise that we are helping these women thru their experiences, and may ourselves need to do it one day.

Good luck by the way

Bella - I think it is always good to move to your own beat iykwim.