I've just had what can only be described as an odd day, and I'm really wondering if the way I'm feeling about it all comes from having taken so long to get pregnant, me being some sort of horrible snob, lack of sleep (3 leg cramps and 2 toilet trips last night coupled with awful heat) or whether it's just plain normal.
I guess the background to all this is that we've only told people online Munchkin's gender. I slipped up with one friend (made a comment that I thought was subtle, but wasn't subtle enough when said friend is an OB and I'm talking about how easily Munchkin revealed his gender on scans!), and I may have slipped with others, but they are choosing to ignore it.
I've got friends and students madly doing all they can to find out what we're having. Why do people get like that, anyway? We've had people from church offer to lend us stuff (another issue entirely!) expressed as "I'm not trying to find out what you're having but we've got boxes and boxes of girls clothes that you're quite welcome to if you want". You just can't respond!
Today we went to visit SIL... to go through baby stuff and see if there's anything we wanted... I was of course feeling really quite hesitant as SIL has one boy and one girl and I felt like I couldn't accept anything without revealing gender... However she was good and really only offered us gender-neutral clothing.
But... she offered us a chair/rocker type thing, which has been sitting in storage for years and was quite dirty. Metal buckles had gone rusty, and sure, you could clean it up, but... I really didn't want it, and felt quite bad for saying so. There were a few other beaten up toys and things. Then we moved to clothes... There was some quite good stuff in what she gave us that I would have no hesitation in using for Munchkin. I have no real issues with hand-me-down clothing (I had lots of them as a child, anyway!), but I do have issues if they are worn, faded, stained, etc.
Am I being snobbish for not wanting to put my baby in clothing that's been stained by someone else's child? Sure, I know Munhckin's going to plant his fair share of stains on clothes, but...
And then there's the whole "my boy slept in pink sleep suits, he's in bed, nobody will see him, who cares?!"... Um, I care! I felt the same when MIL offered me the dress that she brought all of her children home from hospital in (three boys, one girl). SIL used it for her two... But I'm sitting here thinking there's no way in HELL my son will be put in a dress, a pink sleep suit nor even a pink singlet underneath his outer clothes! I'll see him and I care!
No, I don't want my child using a second hand rocker, baby bath, etc!
Am I some sort of horrible, priggish snob?
Or am I having the normal reaction of someone who has been through LTTTC?
Or is it just a normal reaction and something that it seems my MIL and SIL are the only people on the planet incapable of understanding?
It's taken us two and a half years to conceive Munchkin, and it's been two and a half years of absolute hell with OHSS and miscarriages and other associated crap that comes with IVF. I want him to have nice things! I'm not going overboard and insisting on only one particular colour/theme. I also thought I was avoiding the gender stereotyping and going for things with animals rather than cars and trucks, etc. Sure, there's a lot of blue in there, but we also have brown, orange, red, green, yellow - the brighter the better! I seriously doubt I'd have bought much pink even if we were having a girl (I'm allergic to pink and frills, I'm sure!) - because I want to avoid gender stereotyping my child... so why am I reacting to pink sleep suits and singlets and special going home "dresses"?
I'm not sure where I'm going with this now, but I'm almost feeling like an ungrateful wretch with snobbishly expensive taste... But I'm seriously uncomfortable about some of the stuff that has been offered to us, and I really need to know if this is normal for someone having been through LTTTC and IVF, or whether it's just plain normal and my in-laws are strange, miserly freaks!
i don't think your over reacting at all i was the same i wanted my much longed for baby to have his own things it is a hard one when people want to know the gender when you obviously don't want them to know good luck with it all and i'm in shock how far along you are it feel like only yesterday i was reading you were pg i feel like i have lived with my head in the sand for months enjoy the rest of your pg and try not to let people bother you :hugs:
I'm not a LTTTC'er, but when SIL gave me all her old baby clothes, many were stained so I bypassed them. Perhaps us first time mothers are a little precious, regardless of how long we have been TTC? I only wanted nice new things for my new baby...
Nah, your not overly hormonal and it's not just related to your Journey to get Munchkin either. FWIW, I would never offer any baby stuff to anyone unless it was in tip top condition because even if someone is happy to have 2nd hand, you still want it to be in good nick kwim? And besides my pride wouldn't let me give anyone anything scabby. So I don't think you're some evil wicked witch for not accepting and I think people should expect that you don't want every last item 2nd hand you know?
Maybe if you're in that position again with offers from people, you could say 'thanks, but we really wanted to get the big ticket items brand new so they will last all our children' and they can hardly say no. And as for The Dress, tell your MIL you would like to start a new tradition for your children with a coming home outfit - I know for my babies they all had special outfits I brought for them to go home in (my hospital let you have a 'gate pass' to go shopping if you wanted to) that was just theirs.
Oh, and as for the people who are trying to find out his gender, I would tell them all sorts of things just to annoy them LOL and keep them guessing. They will find out soon enough.
Maybe it could be a LTTTC thing, but you know what, I really just think it's just a matter of personal preference. Don't feel bad about it! I don't think you are being snobbish! Do what makes you and your DH comfy. If you want new things for bub and can afford them- GO FOR IT! The experience of having your first bub is so unique, and will never happen the same way again so do what YOU want to do.
Secondhand things can be great in many circumstances, especially if money is tight, but do what makes you happy. This is such a special time, enjoy it!!
We're still at the TTC stage so I cannot speak from experience, but I would be with you in wanting nice, new, clean clothes for our little one. I've waited so long (and still waiting) and having the trouble we have to conceive and not knowing if we would get a 'second go' I'd want to do the best for our first.
I don't think it's snobbish. To me it just seems natural because that's what I would want to do. I look forward to the days of wandering through the department stores and finally being able to purchase the cute but tiny outfits that I avoid for the time being and I think you've earnt the 'indulgence' of that if that's what you want to do.
Second of all repeat after me: NO you are NOT an ungrateful wretch!!!
Whenever I have offered anything to anyone who was having a babe, I always only offer gender non-specific, and definately nothing stained torn or otherwise. And I always accompany the giving with the statement, "take whatever you want, and just give the rest to charity. and if you don't want any of it, that's ok too - I won't be offended."
I think its perfectly normal way to feel. This is your first child hun. conceived through a myriad of heartbreak and hardship. Its completely understandable. I didn't experience what you have had to experience darling, and I still wanted "new" things for my first. By the time I got to number 3 - who was an unexpected little surprise after 8 years I was very grateful for all the hand me downs I was given, purely because the only thing I had still was the cot that Laura and Nathan had slept in! The only thing that I wouldn't relent on with Aston was I wanted a new pram, a new matteress, and new bedding.
Could you politely say - thanks very much, but we already have been given one of those, or we have enough of them? As for the going home outfit - "Oh thank you so much MIL - but "insert some - one special's name" has already given us an outfit to bring baby home in."
hun, if you're an awful wretch, i'm right there with you!
i've had full on arguments with my brother who just doesn't get it. we can afford to do this our way, so that's what we're doing. i don't appreciate being told "you're wasting money" or whatever - we've had to work damn hard to get where we are, and we'll do this the way we want to!
SIL used to have a heap of clothes she'd held onto that i'd bought her kids - all in good nick - that were being kept for when we had children. with it taking so long, most of it has been given away, and there is bugger all left. we went through it the other day and there was hardly anything that i would want for my baby. there were toys (lamaze etc) - and you could TELL they were second hand. they weren't in perfect nick so i said thanks but no thanks. keep them here for when we visit.
do this the way you and DH want to do it - and tell everyone else to take a hike! i have....
Me three! I don't think you are ungrateful and I don't think its a LTTC thing either.
Lots of people will offer you lots of stuff. It can be hard when someone wants to give you a cot......but its been in their shed for 10 yrs, or in storage for awhile, or its a bit stained.
Or like my BIL and SIL - they throw everything into their dusty old carport. They gave us a bath and a sit up chair but they were soooo covered in dust and muck that I was half embarrassed half angry that they thought I'd accept it!!!
Others however, just want to help/contribute the best way they can. Some of the things you will be offered come loaded with so many precious memories...so much so that we can't see the stains, just happy reminders of milestones....*sob. I have the most beautiful clothing here from my girls. I recently passed on some of my mostest favourite things to a couple of BB ladies and it took me ages to do it, but I could pass these things on knowing they will be appreciated iykwim? Its hard to let go, but not as hard when you know your lovely memories will go on and create more in someones family album.
I have dresses worn by my 16 yo DD as a baby that DD2 wears and its a pleasure to see them worn again. I have things that were worn by myself, my sister and my cousins and its the family history that makes them wonderful, not 2nd hand. Then again, I have NOT given things to friends because I didn't think they would take care of them....
NOW, the good thing about it is you can accept it all with a smile (not that I think you wouldn't) and pick and choose the things you want in the privacy of your own home iykwim? No one has to get hurt .
When I do pass on clothes I DO put some slightly less than perfect things in the bundle because as far as I know babies wee, poo and spew on everything and if I can spare a mate some "rough and tumble" clothes for their bubbas it means they have more $$ to spend on the spesh things for them.
Oh and - do people know that YOU know munchkins gender? If they think you don't know either maybe they would LET UP a little?! It might be time to tell a few people that "the sonographer really couldn't tell" or something........geez, some people can't take a hint can they???
Hun, if you are an ungrateful wretch then I am the daughter in law from hell!
I know what I like, especially after already having had DD. I know what I need, what I dont, and what is and isnt acceptable second hand.
I had lots of people trying to give us stuff - but once you start saying yes to "stuff" you dont get to go out there and check out if it really is the "stuff" that you want. I hope that makes sense?
Anyway, I just went out and bought everythng/laybyed everything so whenever I was offered I could politely say "oh thankyou, but we already have that".
On the clothing thing - most newborns dont need that much. They really dont, and if you start using all the hand me downs as your day to day things, you will then feel guilty for not getting enough use out of the good things! They grow so quickly, you only have so long to have them in that gorgeous little outfit you saw in the shop window - enjoy them in the good stuff, and only use the handme downs when everything else is dirty! Trust me!
And just to quote you "or whether it's just plain normal and my in-laws are strange, miserly freaks!". I have come to the conclusion that is correct for about 90% of in laws
You have waited so long for this baby, the baby is what matters, but hun you go out there and you get what you want - after everythign you have been through you deserve the creme-de-la-creme of everything
You are not strange hun, its normal for anyone even those of us not LTTTC. When I give clothes I go through them and take out anything even slightly stained and say just take what you think you would use. My SIL went through a heap of DS's stuff last weekend and took about 1/4 of it and left the rest which didn't bother me at all cause we have different tastes in clothes.
We told most people we didn't know the sex ourselves to stop them asking but I have to say even those who knew we knew didn't hassle us at all so we were lucky.
Your MIL and SIL sound a bit of a pain (sorry) I am very blessed with mine but my last MIL nearly drove me off the edge when I was pg with DD. They were obsessd with the fact that I HAD to have a boy. XMIL used to say that it would be a boy and send me BLUE knitted outfits WTF. I was so determined to have a girl to p- them off LOL After DD was born XGMIL said "Never mind Chrissy the next one will be a boy" I could go on for ages about these people but I can feel my BP rising! Just know that I feel your MIL pain from memory!
BTW I have a whole pile of stained clothes of Riley's for you that I will be deeply hurt if you don't accept LOL
Is this normal?
Reply With Quote
hun 
. 
Bookmarks