Pregnancy after Long Term TTC - September 2008

Oh Possums ... my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry for your loss! Its not fair :(
:hug:
Mon x

Thanks for the comfort and support everyone. I now feel numb. When I am not numb I am crying, or angry, or bitter, or just plain sad.

If I don't miscarry over the next few days, will have a curette on Tuesday.

why us? when is it to be our turn?

sending you all the very best
Emma
xx

Sweets - I wish I could say something that would make it easier. You need to be angry, sad, bitter, numb and the horrible part is you have to allow yourself to feel it all.

If you have a brick wall in your drive way I suggest purchasing some cheap plates and smashing them or getting some sort of punching bag and give it a good beating. I need a physical release in times of high emotional distress.

Is DH ok? I hope you are both able to support each other at the moment. It can be hard sometimes because boys sometimes don't get it. The pressure we put on ourselves to be career women, mothers, lovers, best friends, sisters, aunty and to be the best in all areas. They sometimes don't get how responsible we feel for our families and friends and I really hope that you are not blaming yourself for this sweetheart.

Possums, I'm so very sorry.

I could have echoed so many of your words in July last year when we lost our first baby also at 8 weeks and 5 days...

It is heartbreaking. Don't force yourself to feel anything you're not ready for. When the shock and anger goes, the grief and tears will come.

All you can do for now is take it one day at a time and know that it will eventually get better. Take the time to grieve and recover before you even think about getting back into IVF.

Once again, :hug: I am so very, very sorry that you have had to endure the heartache of loss after the hell of IVF.

BW

Oh Possum, I am truly sorry for you loss.....be kind to yourself :hug:

Possums, I am so sorry. :hug:

Just thought id drop into to say a quick hi its been soooo busy in here i cant catch up!!

Once again Possums sending you really big hugs the girls are right take all the time you need and dont let anyone tell you what you need or dont need. I really am just devasted for you

Mon: welcome, so glad you got your BFp that is just great and i "still" check when i wipe (whats with that!)

Wont even atempt personals sorry :redface: but ill try to stay more in touch!
Hi to everyone
Oh Shannon how are you going i read your post but you didnt up date us and the weeks must be closing in?

Thanks again everyone.

Nixon, I think it was you who asked how DH is- he's obviously really upset also and a bit angry and bitter too.
Having said that, we deal with these things very differently, and it does sometimes make it hard for me. He doesn't say much about how he's feeling, or express much, and i am very emotional and a big talker. So sometimes I feel a bit isolated and separate from him, even though I know he hurts too and is also upset to see me so upset. Plus, he doesn't get as upset as I do...I think it's different when you are the woman and the baby is inside you. He is more able to recover quickly and move on (we experienced this with our earlier loss this year and also during IVF).
Can any of you relate to this...? It would be easier for me if he was crying alongside me.

Possums, my DH won't allow me to see him in pain very often - i can see it in his eyes, but he won't openly grieve unless i have fallen apart and have pretty much walked away from him cos i think he's not there for me. i know he feels the pain, but he won't express it at all as he feels he needs to be strong for me. i don't agree, but hey, i can't change who he is! the only time he allows me to see him vulnerable is about his parents, and his dogs - because that is HIS pain and i can be the strong one then - when it's OUR pain, he tries to be my rock - sometimes i need him to be soft and squishy and not so rock-like though...

BG- thanks for sharing that. I think DH tries to be strong too. I think sometimes it's also a case of 'men are from mars...' and very different ways of expressing emotions. He also can't understand/sometimes gets frustrated when I start talking about the same emotions over and over again..it's like I need to keep venting, and he's like "yes, but I already know all this stuff"...and i think feels frustrated because he can't 'fix it' for me and just doesn't know what else to say. Fortunately we are able to talk about these differences more now, after our years together and that openess helps. I am also fortunate I have a wonderful mum and a few close girlfriends who can be more emotional with me. And I also have BB to help. ;)

i think we need to blame Bob the Builder - it gives children this notion that they can fix everything!

a broken heart never fully mends - there is always pain and always emotional scarring... wish Bob was good enough to share that pearl of wisdom...

Possums - I am so sorry - I have tears in my eyes for you and your DH.

Possums, miscarriages always effect women much more than men. After our third, I got into a huge fight with DH (BG may remember me summoning her from bed at around 1am in absolute hysterics afterwards!) because I had a huge go at him about not caring. I'd just lost another baby, and he was happily continuing on as though life wasn't different... When all was said and done and we were calmer, he explained that in the early stages it's just not "real" to him. Our first was a bit more real as he'd seen a flickering speck on an ultrasound screen, but the next two we lost before we even got to a scan. Even this baby had very little sense of reality to him until I began to show and he could feel movement from the outside.

Perhaps it may be worth letting him know that you realise that he can't fix this for you, but sometimes you just need him to listen and give you a hug and let you cry... Being clear on what you need from him will help you work through this together.

BW

i recall a VERY late night chat like that BW....

Oh Possums, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious baby :hug: :hug:. That is heartbreaking news, I was so hoping that those hcg results didn't indicate something wrong. Miscarriage is just an awful experience, and people often can't understand how deep the hurt goes.

My DH also reacted differently to me, and I thought he didn't care sometimes. But in later discussions we've had he told me that his heart was broken by it, and he had become very depressed. I think they just express things differently, and when their wives are devastated, sometimes they tend to go inside themselves and not show much on the outside.

I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you. Life can be so unfair. I'm thinking of you hun.

Devon
xxxx

Thanks so much everyone, for the support, words of advice. It helps knowing other husbands also deal with this things differently to their partners!

DH and I are both staying at my mum's this weekend...and to be honest, he's been more there for me this time. I think, as some of you have suggested, I have actually told him more what I need this time, which has certainly helped...and he's good now and listening and nodding and then giving me a hug ...without always trying to find a 'solution'...when there really isn't one. Plus my mum is a fantastic support.

BW- my DH said the same thing when I had the ectopic (and also one in my uterus)...it never felt quite real to him, because that time we didn't ever see a heartbeat at an early scan....we only had a scan once I realised there were problems...this time though, it has felt much more real to him, after two scans seeing that flickering heartbeat.

Devon- same with my DH....often in later discussions I realise how much he has cared been upset...but he just doesnt express it at the time. He has even expressed more grief, today than yesterday (possibly because I was an absolute mess all day yesterday).

We've also decided we might take a week off in November and just chill out by the beach or something.

I think one of the hardest things for me is feeling not only sorrow and loss, but anger and resentment at other women who have children easily, suffer no miscarriages/ectopic and certainly don't go through IVF etc. Our year has bounced from one of those things to the other and back again. I know being bitter and angry isn't healthy and I have to let it go...I guess with a bit more time I will find a calmer acceptance and just get on with it again. I seem to recall I went through this when I lost the babies and my natural fertility in one sudden swoop in March....and I did move forward again and the anger and resentment did fade as time went on...with only flare ups every now and then... :redface: I just also hope there is nothing wrong with me that has caused this.

On a more physical note, I have started brownish light bleeding today. I hope I do miscarry naturally in coming days and don't have to go through another curette. I'll be glad when my pregnancy symptoms (sore boobs etc) dissapear...they are a constant reminder of those loss. And I hate the feeling of carrying around something which has now died.

Sorry for this very long post! This is just a good outlet for me, and you are all so understanding.
Emma. :grouphug:

Oh Emma I do understand the resentment sweetie hang in there gald you are at your Mums My DH is another find a solution man and don't show emation but I know it hurts him inside :hug: always here if you need me

TL- thanks for the understanding

Possums - I just got back from my long weekend away. My heart is breaking. This is just so unfair. I really wish that I knew the right things to say, but I don't. So what I will say is that I am thinking of you, your DH and your beautiful little angel. I am sending you all my love and praying for you to get through this terrible time.

I too have a DH who likes to "fix" all my problems. They want to take your pain away from you, when what you really need is to feel that pain, as horrible as it is, in the safety of their arms.

You have every right to feel resentment about how difficult this journey is for you and how easy it is for other people. I think we have all felt that.

I am here should you need to talk. Take the time that you need to grieve and to heal. We are all here for you.

Janie xxx

Janie- thanks for your support.

I go in for a curette in the morning.... then at least this part will be physically over. I dread returning to work and facing people...in fact I am having trouble dealing with the prospect of all that lies ahead. We will however resume IVF as soon as we can ( I think I'll need to wait till I have a natural period next month) because otherwise we are in limbo waiting anyway. So I am coping...just. Tears roll in and out at odd times.

Hope you are all doing OK. I'll keep checking in on you to see how your pregnancies are going, even though I will soon return to the LTTC thread.... hopefully I'll be back in here in a relatively short space of time. All we can do is hope for that really, even though sometimes it's hard to be positive at all.

Possums, sending you huge :hug: hun. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this, and that you now have to have a curette. I hope that tomorrow goes as smoothly as it can and that physically you are OK. I hope that you're able to take some time off work, and don't have to hide how you're feeling.

I wish you every success with returning to IVF as soon as you can, and hope to see you back in here really soon.

Thinking of you and your DH and wishing you well.

Devon
xxxx

Thanks, home resting now, curette is done thankfully.
It sounds like, due to Christmas looming and having to wait until my body has a natural period, that we won't be able to resume IVF until Jan 09. I know it gives time to recover, but to be honest it feels like ages away to me, life is a limbo waiting...and so many things have gone on hold throughout 2008 already, and the same will now happen into next year. Emotionally, physically and financially it is a huge strain....and makes it hard for life to feel normal because it revolves around this. Part of me would like to start immediately...so that while there is pain and loss now, at least we are already working towards hope for the future....but looks like that start will now be more than 2 months away.

If anyone has any words of wisdom from having been in the same head space I am right now and coming out the other side...let me know :)

anyway...all the best to all of you.
Emma xx

Possums - i have had to have long delays in treatment because of clinic timing (being regional) - and as hard as it was at the time, to be honest, NOT focussing on TTC for a while is actually really good for your head space long term. i've found that the first couple of weeks are just painful - you're grieving, and wanting to move forward. then you realise that you're doing ok, you're dealing with the pain, and you're enjoying life a little more each day. over Christmas, you can relax. you can focus on being with DH, your extended family (if that is what you want) and just being YOU - not the you that is TTC, the YOU that you were before you started all of this. right now, it's not what you want - nothing about this is what you want. but giving yourself time to emotionally heal is well worth the time. allow you and DH to BE you and DH - not just two people going through IVF

FWIW - i got AF after stim cycle 10 days before Christmas last year, and couldnt go through FET until the very end of Feb so i had to deal with the pain over Christmas. it was still raw, we were approaching and EDD, and it hurt like hell for a while - but when it came to me starting the next cycle in Feb, i was in a much better head space - i'd been able to deal with all the crap i was carrying, and went into the next cycle with a positive outlook about what would be. i went into the next cycle refreshed and ready to embrace the embies we put back as new life, not replacements for our lost angels. as you know, we didn't have sticky success until very recently, but being forced to wait at least four weeks between every cycle was a positive thing for me to heal emotionally. i guess not carrying "fresh" grief into each cycle helped me to be a more positive person. coming off two early miscarriages going into the last cycle, i NEEDED that time to heal - and now i'm glad i was able to deal with that pain first....

i hope that makes sense

BG

BG- thanks for taking the time to share and explain all that to me...it does make sense, and I realise, once I have moved past this raw stage I will also feel the benefits. I think it's the feeling so totally out of control all the time I find hardest (and I am a control freak!...a totally driven type of person....and boy, has the TTC/pregnancy losses experience being teaching me lessons!!).
What you said about the embies being new life, rather than replacing lost angels struck a chord with me. Looking back, after the ectopic etc in March, we were forced to have a break before starting IVF, due to me recovering after the tube removal etc...so I had forced recovery/grieving time then too..and by the time IVF came around we were ready to go (even though back then I also wished we could have started immediately!).

To be honest, at the moment I don't now how to be the old Me, and experience the old DH and I together....I seem to have lost things things and become defined by this....maybe I need to work on reconnecting with those things, like you say. I have also had to stop doing some competitive sport during this year, due to the cycles etc...which I have really missed...so in little, as well as all the obvious ways, it's had a huge impact on the way I have been living my life.

I know this isnt probably the right thread to be doing all this venting in! I also know many of you have journeyed for much longer than me to reach your pregnancies... I guess I am just raw right now....so thanks for reading and supporting....

Possums, after my first miscarriage in July last year, my FS sent me to see a psychologist and enforced a break. I didn't get back into things October...

It was painful having to take a break, but in hindsight it was desperately needed. I hated my FS at the time, but I did realise that he was doing the right thing by me in doing what he did... Might have been nice if he'd been a bit more gentle about things, though.

It sounds very much like a break to reconnect with yourself and DH would be very much in order - try to embrace it as a period of healing and personal growth rather than seeing it as a delay in IVF treatment.

And you can't compare pain. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this, but don't try to minimise things by saying other people have been through worse or longer. You need to accept your own pain, and if you try to push it aside, it will come back to bite you later.

:rolleyes: Yup, speaking from sad experience there.

BW

Hi girls
Sorry been MIA been abit busy.
Possums: Everything you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal. Yes men deal so differently, i went through this with DH when i had the ectopic and it wasnt till weeks later and i was upset and hed had a few drinks :doh: that he shared his true feelings with me he talked of plans for weddings and the future, things i hadnt even gone into. They just want you and everything to be OK and its not.
As for the inforced break it was this time last year after the ectopic they wouldnt let me go again till after the new year, i was so bitter and resentful, i just wanted to jump back in and it felt like the clinic who had backed me all the way had deserted me when i needed them the most. In hindsight (oh isnt it a wonderful thing) it was the best thing, i needed to clear my head, clear my body of all the drugs and pregnancy hormones and re connect and realise that there is more to life than TTC, i relaxed over chiristmas, had a few drinks and oysters :lol: and was raring to go in the new year. Im not saying its easy now because it really is so hard ! Possums this probably is just the right thread for you we know exactly how you are feeling and truly sending you a heartfelt hugs and thoughts! Take care.

Scooby and BW, thanks, you guys are great, like everyone here, and your advice is spot on...
thanks all of you for holding my hold through this even if it is over the internet!

We just did a little candle ceremony for our angel...I cried a bit more, but it also felt right and a bit more of a release, step in the process...

Back at work today...this is hard! people know our story and yet of course they don't get it and trying to be strong in here is taking effort...but i knew i had to face it.

i hope you lovely ladies are all doing ok with things. thanks again for the support.

Possums it breaks my heart to see you have to go through this! It is so terrible! I hope that time flies for you so that you can grieve properly and then begin to see the brighter things in life and then embark on a short TTC journey.

AFM: Trying to be positive and embrace this PG but feel so detached. I guess its normal and I'm just trying to protect myself as want to be prepared for the worst - but am hating thinking this way. Constant failure TTC puts you in that headspace I guess.

Hope every1 is doing well. The weather is miserable and am feeling tired and finding it difficult to focus on work.

Mon :)

Back from scan - Gremlin measuring 2cm, EDD changed to May 31 - will update my blog a little later!

Mon - I'm finding it a bit the same way. My best friend keeps asking "can we start getting excited yet?" and I don't know what it is but something keeps holding me back. Maybe my thoughts on how it would be have been dashed because of the whole IVF thing and because of that I am finding it hard to believe that something else is not going to go 'wrong'.

It is getting easier and better and I am starting to feel something...the 10 week scan helped with that because it looked like a human. My belly is starting to stick out and we are looking at prams and things, so all of that is taking away the focus on what the negative outcomes could be. Anyway, all you can do is keep on keeping on. I have a few family histories of bad outcomes, but much later in the pregnancy - this is making it a scary process for me, but I have to own it and let it go.

Possums - you are a trooper. I know that as time passes you will find it easier at work and you are right...you do have to face it head on. If you didn't it would probably be harder the longer you left it.

Take care of yourself sweets.

X

Mon and Nixon Comptley Understand

Possums :hug:

Me - Just told work guess it is offical

Mon and Nixon- your feelings are so understandable...after a hard journey there, feeling anxious/worried/detached/waiting for something to go wrong is hard to avoid. I felt those things too...and I know when I am pregnant next time it will be even worse, after this recent loss.
But it's good if you can also find the positive/happy side of things so you can also enjoy your pregnancies.

BG- glad the scan went well...exciting time for you

BG, so glad to hear that your scan went well, and love your ticker very cute :dance:

Mon, it is at times so hard to stay positive and you will embrace your pregnancy in your own time. It made it a little more real for me once I had 1st first scan...but must say to date I am still in shock and do hold back getting to excited...I guess we are just trying to protect our hearts.

TL, great news on telling work...woo hoo on being offical!!

Possum, thinking of you :hug: You are brave to go back to work so soon... take care

AFM, First OB last Friday and all went went. Next visit is the 7th November!!

Belly Rubs to all betta fly and start dinner.

Possums - I've read a few of your posts on the various threads and I just want to say you are amazing. You are there for everyone on each thread while going through such a sad time.
I really hope things turn around for you soon.

I keep my fingers crossed that you start to feel better and that Jan comes by quickly so you can get started again and join us here very soon.

Take care, use this time to de-stress and prepare for Jan

Good luck moving forward :goodluck:

Good morning everyone.

Just thought I'd stop in to say I hope your friday flys and you have a fabulous weekend.

No real news, just a question - my 7.2kg cat jumped form the floor directly onto my uterus this morning as I lay in bed awaiting my final snooze alarm to go off - very unpleasant when you are lying as still as possible because you really need to get up for a wee. Not sure if I should ring the dr - do you reckon the baby is protected enough from that kind of impact?

Hi Girls
Sorry i have been missing again, trying to finish my uni degree and work! Firstly i just wanted give possums a big hug i shed a tear when i read your news and think you are an amazing beautiful person, take care of yourself during this difficult time.

To nixon/mon/TL i completely understand the not getting excited thing, i guess for me i work in ultrasound and i see so many losses every week its hard to imagine yours will be the one that stays, even though statistics tell me different. This week i was worried because i had been quite ill with vomitting and a fever and couldnt see anything myself. One of my colleagues took a look for us in 3D and i felt connnected for the first time because it started throwing a tantrum with its little legs and arms.

Well best of luck girls until we talk next, hugs to all :hug:.

Love Bee (25)

I can't believe how time has flown. It's so good to see everyone's tickers motoring along. Sometimes I feel like I've been pregnant forever (mainly when I've been feeling sick) and there are other times like today that I can't believe I am 15 weeks.
Yesterday I resigned from my job. I had planned to back in August but didn't because I found out I was pg. Thought I could stick it out 6 more months. This was my first week back after 2 weeks off and the ***** hit the fan so I decided it was time to go. I have worked hard to get my job to the point where I can work a normal 8 hour day and go home and not worry about it. They just keep piling more on me. Apparently, if I can come in at 9 and leave at 5 then I have capacity to have more crap thrown at me. I told them I wasn't willing to do the extra hours, especially now that I'm pregnant. Basically, they have shown a complete lack of support for my situation by putting me under more pressure. It's taken me so long to get pregnant, I am not going to be stressed out by work for the next 5 months. Time to go temping for me I think. Although DH suggested I stay home and cook dinner, and have the house beautiful for him when he comes home from work!! lol Dreamer!! ;)

I hope everyone is doing well.
Nic how are you after your cat jumped on you? I wouldn't think it would be a problem, but if you started having any pain I would get it checked out just to ease your mind.

I have lost almost all of my pg symptoms. Have had no m/s since last Monday. Have lost my appetite completely and feeling very not-pregnant! Is this normal at this stage? My naturopath said I would probably start questioning at some point if I was pg, but I didn't think it would be this sudden that everything just disappeared.

Very normal, Megan. You're in that horrible limbo phase where symptoms have disappeared but you can't feel movements yet.

BW

Hi All,

A lot of you have been my friends on my TTC journey for a while now, and I lot of you I also know from cheering you along quietly from the sidelines of TTC.

BUT.....I'm proud, happy, excited, ecstatic, over the moon, overwhelmed and a multitude of other words, to be joining you here in the pregnancy thread!!!!!!

YAHOO!!!!

DH and I got our BFP on Thursday, after a horrible week in hospital with OHSS. To say I have had a hard time would be an understatement. I just could never have imagined I would have been so unwell as a direct result of TTC.

Finally I was discharged from hospital yesterday. I am staying with my family for a few days while DH is away.

I am still really not well. Today my back has started to fill with fluid. I am a little scared to be honest..they say this can go on for the 1st trimester. BUT, I'm sure you all would agree with me in that I would do all this again in a heartbeat to get the result I have achieved.

I had my BT on day 13, and my HCG was 100...pretty high I'm told. I had 2 little embies transferred and apparently there are bets going on at my clinic that I am carrying twins!!! 1 or 2 babies, DH and I know we are blessed.

So back to the clinic on Monday, for a follow up HCG test. Maybe all you girls can give me your thoughts when you find out my numbers??

I thankyou all in advance for the support and friendship I know you will give me as many of you have already been great friends to me in the past.

This is the most exciting time for us, but for me a little scary, as I have 2 angel babies looking down on me. I feel though that this will be our forever baby. This little one or one's have a strong will to survive already after the journey I have been on this last week and I know our 2 angels are looking down on us and helping us along.

I will start to catch up with where everyone is at now, and follow your journeys and hopefully be a friend and support for you all.

Have a happy weekend
Hugs Bel