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Oh my goodness Meredith, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, what a terrifying ordeal it must of been for you. Words cannot express what I am feeling for you right now, just remember that we are all here for you - lean on us for whatever support you need. Take care my sweet and I will :pray: that your other little bub will stick and make it. Thinking of you :hug:
Meredith - I have PM'ed you, but again, I am so sorry :comfort: Please summon any energy you can to focus on that precious heart still beating so strongly for you xx
Meredith,
I am so sorry, there are no right words, just wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you
Stay strong Meredith. You are doing so well to hang in there for your little one. Seek activities which will nourish your spirit. I will keep you both in my prayers.
XX
Meredith - the thing is, you don't get over the loss :( Even if you have a baby, you still have lost a baby and you are entitled to grieve and to feel saddened at the milestones. Still one day closer and with you all the way :hug:
Oh Meredith, I'm so very sorry. I hate the people that say 'At least you've still got one' It's just horrible.. I'll be praying very hard that the remaining one is a sticky little miracle for you
Meredith - I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, I`m thinking of you. As you know Adrian was my surviving twin and each milestone was so hard, I needed up hating my u/s`s as it was a constant reminder that there should have been two babies, it took me a very long time to adgust, that feeling continued for a good 12 - 18 months after Adrian was born but now I know Adrian`s angel will always be looking after him and Mummy.
I wish you all the best hun, and hope your little miracle hungs on for this ride :hug:
I have been thinking of you a lot today Meredith. I lit a candle today for your little Soul who grew wings... Just pop in and let us know how you are travelling - we are all here with a giant big blanket to wrap around you. Big hugs my luv... :hug:
Oh Meredith, I don't know what to say, just sending :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thinking of you, Chris and your little fighter, this must be so hard. I was just wondering, it's competely natural that you can't really give support to your DH just now, you need to survive through all this yourself. Can you perhaps encourage him to open up to some of his close friends or get some counselling. He needs to get some support so that he can be strong for you.
Sara
I am not really ok but coping to a degree. Another visit with OB yesterday - baby still alive which is something. OB still not overly optimisstic but did pressure me to book in my 12w scan which I am still not happy about ( feel its like a jinx).
Still having light bleeding which worries me but I guess to be expected given an entire baby/placenta etc came out. Also just can't shake the feeling of utter devastation at the loss of what looked like such a healthy bub. I got a peek at u/s report from the arvo just before disaster struck and the summary was "normal 8wk twin pregnancy"..... guess no one can predict anything in pg which only adds to my fear. It doesn't matter that baby was ok yesterday, he/she could be gone tomorrow with no warning!
DH doesn't get it at all how sad I am about losing twin 1 nor that the entire pg will be tinged with sadness even if things go ok. He got a bit cranky about it this morning and decided maybe it would be better to just lose remaining twin and start over. NOT what I want at all, I just want him to understand that having one remaining doesn't mean I am not deeply affected nor entitled to grieve over the baby we have lost. I know he can never feel the same way as me but he truly doesn't feel anything nor think I "should" be feeling like this either. And no, he is not just being a man and not showing true emotion, he admits he truly doesn't feel much. His thought is only that this actual pregnancy is still going so we haven't really "lost" it as a proper m/c yet.
No one close to me will ever get it either. I know i will only get the comments of "at least you still have one", "it must be for the best", "twins would have been to hard anyway, you're much better off".
:hug: at times like this maybe the only solution is to seek the support of people who know your pain. I can understand that it must be so devestating to hear those unhelpful words of advice and misguided support... but I think sometimes people simply don't know what to say... and they get quite desperate to say something... so they just end up saying the first thing that springs to mind that makes sense to them. Not many people have the gift of empathy outside their own experience... it really is a rare thing... and you know what? You often get it when you experience these kinds of lonely heart-aches. I know it must be hard, but try not to resent those that have all good intention of saying the right thing... but just can't get it right :( if they love you, like your DH does, then it would upset them too to know that they had made things worse... it really would.
Everyone reacts differently to emotional and physical pain... and I guess it's only my experience and suggestion that, when people don't seem to be 'in tune' to your grief... to try to simply find solace in their intent. Honestly sometimes that's all you can do. From my experience it just hurts more to try to clarify and point out how wrong they are... you know you don't want to fight... it's quite the opposite... you want nuturing. I'm hesitant to tell you how to feel (a common theme for me today it seems!) but I'm just putting another strategy out there for you.
To give another personal example: Once I was stuck as to what to say to my SIL who had just been through the funeral for her 18month old DD.... that she herself had run over and killed. I saw her standing in the corner by herself... I hadn't spoken to her since the accident and I knew it was time... I actually felt a bit panicky... but I stepped forward ... looked her in the eye with what I hoped was an expression of deep caring and compassion... and then just hugged her... I was lost for words. Eventually I said simply that... that I was lost for words... and she said that was ok... but I still felt so inadequate :(
From someone who has had to take the sympathy "as it comes" too sometimes... I know, I know, I know. But they do love you and they do care. :hug:
Oh Meredith - I understand what you are saying. I have 2 different friends who both lost one twin, and went on to deliver the other. They say what you are saying - they never forgot (and still don't) the twin who didn't make it.
Maybe if you explain to your DH that it is possible for you to feel 2 really different emotions - horrible sadness about the loss of one who you already fell in love with - and excitement (and fear) about the twin who is still with you (and for you, unlike for him, it's not just a singular pregnancy, but was about two actual babies - it's just a different perspective and probably one that most women would share with you while most men would probably see it as your DH does). It may take time for DH to understand this, but I think it's important that he does because for a very, very long time each milestone with this twin will remind you of the other twin. Thus each milestone will be a celebration and also a moment to mourn. But you should allow yourself to do both.
As for the fear - I don't know what to say other than that every single one of us who has had trouble TTC all have an appreciation for the miracle that a baby is - we all know too well what can go wrong and understand exactly why you are so worried and scared. I don't have any advice on coping with this other than to focus on the present - you have a healthy baby on board. This is advice that I'd struggle with myself as I always think ahead.
Meredith - a big cyber cuddle :comfort: my friend. I have heard that "at least you've still got one" too many times after a MC (in reference to my DD) from US operators to my own close family. It cuts like a knife! I am sorry also that you and your DH are on such different wavelengths at a time you need each other so much. As always, take care :hug:. PM me any time xx
Meredith, all I can say is that I'm thinking of you very much.
Huge hugs, many thoughts, and all my love.
Hi Meredith,
I've been away for a few days and returned to find your sad news. I am so sorry you lost one of the twins.
When I was PG, I lost my first twin at 6wks (not knowing that my other would also be taken from me 5wks later). I understand your feeling of loss.
Please don't give up hope.. and yes, I know easier said then done.
I know there have been many prayers and positive thoughts sent your way - together with mine.
Hang in there sweetie..we are all with you..
Meredith, First, I got a "the world is over populated anyway" speech from a friend after we lost Jayvan, I wanted to kick her in the face! So I know exactly how you feel!
I truely do believe that the way your DH is reacting is a natural male response to something so devistating.
When I first found out I was pg DF didn't really seem to care for lack of a better word, and he explain to me that he felt at the moment bub was more apart of me than him, any choice I wanted to make about that pregnancy was all my desicion! and that until he started seeing some physical changes in me, it was hard for him to feel attached to something that he hadn't seen with his own eyes. IYKWIM. He assured that once Jayvan got here though, that he would love him to peices!
After we lost Jayvan, I think the initial shock of it didn't hit until probably 3 weeks ago for my DF. And I know this because he's taken his ashes and keeps them on his own bedside table next to where he sleeps now. And he'll occassionally have a sentimental moment about him and what he's missed out on having a son. Like, When we found out I was pg he had saved a bottle of Jim Beam (you know the bottles you can get the are sealed with wax and they're brewed for longer or something?) that he was going to open up with our little boy when he was 18 and swore they would drink the lot together. He had actually pulled it out to drink, then had second thoughts and reckons he's still going to wait til Jayvan's 18th birthday before he opens it.
My mum had a still born bub between my brother and I and she said the shock didn't hit my dad until 2 years later, where one day he just came home a dribbling mess. To this day mum still can't fathom where he was for those 2 years!
I guess what I'm trying to say is a males connection to a bub is alot different to ours, their role as a Dad doesn't start until bub's is here in their arms and from what I have experienced and from what my Mum has told me they don't experience the full blow straight away. We are connected mind, body and soul for those first 9 months of their lives, we become a mum from the very begining of the journey, we care for them by making sure we take our vitamins, not drink or lift heavy things and get to all our Dr's appointments on time! We pretty much have a little life planned out for them as soon as we see that BFP, and when they get taken away it's absolutely devistating regardless of how young or old they are.
I'm sorry if I've rambled, but I really just wanted to make you feel a little bit better about your DH's reaction, as hard as it is. What he has lost may hit him next week, or 5 years down the track, or even when your bub comes and DH gets to hold him or her for the first time and realise that he could have had two of those, you just never know! Males after all are very fickle and unpredictable creatures ;)
I wish with all my heart that your little mircle pulls though, I know it will be very bittersweet experience for you both, and I can't even express how much I really do hope for the best for you. Please keep us updated, and remember there are amazing woman on BB that know exactly what you're going through and will help you out even when you think you have hit the lowest of low.
xx
I continue to thank you all for the endless support... very much appreciated.
This week has been like standing on the edge of a cliff just wondering when the fall would happen
I have continued to bleed although NOTHING like the previous episodes. Just constant light bleeding/spotting
Had appt with OB yesterday and FS today....our remaining precious baby is now 9w 3d and doing fine.
Measuring spot on for dates and even wriggling around quite a bit today.
I am extenely relieved as our odds of getting through this are improving every day.
However, now that some of the worry has eased, at least temporarily, the sadness for what we have lost is creeping back. Can't help think how over the moon I would have been had there been 2 in there at today's appt - like we should have had. I know i am going to feel this yo-yo of emotions for awhile but I am tired, exhausted actually, and just don't know how i can keep pushing through all this.
I wish i could just be content with the true miracle we have been blessed to have hope for - and I am but that 7th baby added to my horrid tally of angels has just broken me.
Not broken - just a little bent out of shape for a while :hug:
A question for you - how long have you grieved for each of your previous losses?? And why should the loss of one of your twins be any different?? It has only occurred recently. Give yourself some slack and know that it is NORMAL to grieve, to feel sad, to wonder what could have been. It may be time to contact one of the IVF counsellors and see if they have someone with experience in this area. Someone neutral to talk to and to help you process all of these emotions in a positive way.
The positives - a beautiful baby measuring to dates with a strong heartbeat. Here as always for whatever you need :hug: One day closer ......
So glad you updated us - I'm thrilled to hear that the other twin is doing really well - that's great news. I think the advice to see a counselor at your clinic is good advice. I went (reluctantly, but I didn't know who else to turn to - I couldn't torture DH any more with my grief - he had his own and we deal with it very differently) - and it was really helpful. When I made the appointment, I told them I had just had a m/c and would like to talk to someone who had experience with women who m/c - not sure if this request mattered, but the counselor was very, very good. I felt like a weight had been lifted once I left - not to say I wasn't still sad, but I understood my grief much better and that made a huge difference.
Meredith - great news. I have been on tenterhooks.
I am with the others... pls get some counselling.. I really agree with the girls that it will help you thru this happy/sad time. The stress is not good for you right now and maybe this will help you thru.
Take care - we are all thinking of you.. and want you to have the happiest of endings..
Glad to hear that your little one is nice and strong and wriggling around.
Thinking of you and hope with all the sadness you can enjoy the joy of being pregnant again :hug:
Thanks for the update Meredith, I have been thinking of you. I am glad to hear that this little fighter is still going strong. I agree with what Michelle said - you need to allow yourself time to grieve and it may be a good idea to speak to someone about how you are feeling. I was deadset against the idea after my losses but once I did see someone I found it helped a lot.
I will continue to pray for this little one. Take care sweetie and know that we are all here for you,
Bun xx
Thankyou all. Unfortunately, I have been through this grieving process WAAAAAAY to many times and although I know and understand how i feel, nothing makes anything better other than time.
I have seen counsellors in the past and am currently seeing someone privately. I actually didn't find the IVF councellor much good - just kept telling me i was "normal" but not offering much else helpful.
It does help to talk it all out but I am just over feeling this way over and over and over again.
This time is different i guess, too, given its not a "simple" complete loss. Most people ( including friends and family) would honestly think i should just be grateful and supremely happy to have one left!
I am really saddened today for not feeling the "joy" of pregnancy and guilty about this ill feeling whilst I should be pouring my love into 'twin2". He/she deserves FAR better given the amazing effort to survive so far.
Nothing is helped by being so, so tired and still stricken with m/s. I have lost nearly 4kg ( was only 50kg to start with!) and think i am beginning to look quite a pale, worn out mess! So much for prednisolone making you eat like a horse and look all chubby!
Meredith - I`ve been thinking of you quite often and hoping everything was still going okay for you, so pleased to hear your little one is growing well, I continue to pray that this little miracle will hang on. As for the bleeding, I bled for 3.5 weeks when loosing Adrian`s twin.
There are no words to help the sadness you are feeling over loosing your twin, just please remember we`re all here for you hun.
Thanks Dee - helps to know a rough time frame. I hate seeing blood but just having to get used to it.
How are you going Meredith? You have been in my thoughts and prayers my love... :hug:
You must be close to 12 weeks now - I know it's a long way to go but it's a milestone.
Your sadness is very very real - very very understandable and very very okay. Gradually you will begin to feel the joy for twin 2. You will. You will always feel the sadness at the loss of your Goodbye twin also. We all get it in here. This is a safe and supportive place.
I am glad you are having counselling with someone that resonates with you.
Here supporting you and hoping for some peace for you soon... :hug:
Has anyone heard from Meredith? She is constantly in my thoughts but seems to have not responded for nearly a month????
Hello Flowerchild ;). Meredith is almost 15 weeks and has been posting updates in the PAML thread.
i hope everythings ok.
xx