Gender Disappointment?

Jen, I'm sure Christy didn't mean to make you feel picked upon - she's far too nice for that :) . I hope you'll understand that we try to keep this forum as supportive and freindly as possible. This means that when people post about feelings and issues relating to conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting we expect other members to be understanding and tactful. The example we give in our forum guidelines is that a member going through IVF doesn't want to have another member replying to thier post about thier struggle to concieve saying that they fall pregnant just by looking at thier DH. That's a differant thread. This poll and Jillian's archived thread was created for those who are dealing with issues relating to the gender of thier babies. Many women (and men) have difficulty discussing this topic because its often considered to be not PC to have a gender preference. Our emotions aren't always PC but we should still have a space in which to express them safely. Of course Mums (and Dads) will love thier babies no matter what gender they are and every baby is a treasure but these facts don't diminish the disapointment that some people may feel when faced with the discovery that thier baby isn't the gender that they ordered.
Most of us have strong opinions in matters related to our children but sometimes its best if we air them in a differant thread. In most cases where I disagree with the contents of a thread I will simply not post.

With all due respect moderators but isn't Belly Belly a place were you can express how you feel and if you do strongly feel about something then you can express it........ I feel that editing a post by a moderator that is not attacking anyone is disrespectful to the person who wrote it. I also feel that moderators if they are to edit something due to a complaint or someone offended by a persons post then the person who wrote that post should have a right to know who was offended so that they can apoligise personally to them.

If you read Kelly's first thread it does say " Some couples try for a very long time to conceive and either gender is a blessing for them - this topic is not intended to upset those couples."It is purely to see what feelings men and women really experience throughout conception and pregnancy.This poll is totally anonymous, so please feel free to answer honestly, and you are welcome to comment if you so wish. I have answered honestly and have commented honestly.

Don't get me wrong here but i need to air this out and i am sure alot of others will agree with me! I am not tryng to cause an argument here at all i am just venting my feelings. You are welcome to move this post if you wish too.

Jen

This could sound really silly but do you think there are any ways of guarding yourself against gender disappointment? I say this because i'm preg with no 2. I have one perfect little daughter and a lot of people have commented on how we must be 'hoping' for a boy this time around. I'm almost ashamed to admit it - and kind of feel really selfish and shallow, especially since we came very close to losing Ella, so the sex definately shouldn't be a concern...just a healthy baby. But i would really love another girl - and so would my DH. Perhaps because we adore Ella so much and just don't know any differently???? Anyway - we are very keen to find out the sex and i'm wondering how to guard myself against disappointment if i am blessed with a son. Again - i'm not saying that i would love him any less..i'm sure you all understand that - but would just feel incredibly guilty for having those thoughts. Any suggestions?

Rae, of course you wouldn't love a son any less. Its possible to be crazy about your bubba whilst still mourning that your gender dream won't come true. Maybe if you're worried about how you will feel about having a boy you could arm yourself with a list of positives about a son ie the sex talk is your DH's responsibility (that's how I see it anyway lol), he will provide Ella with a valuable insight into the weird workings of the male mind, you won't have to pay for bras, pads or tampons, he (probably) won't want to borrow your clothes....... I'm sure you can think of your own list.

I agree with Dach, Rae, think of all the things that a son can bring to your family, like carry on the family name for one, the sports that boys can play that girls generally don't, the toys that your DH will absolutely LOVE buying for him (trust me, every adult male reverts to about 8 years old when it comes to buying toys for boys!), A boy wont spend 2 hours on the phone to a friend that they have just spent 6 hours at school with. I could go on and on and on about the joys that both sexes can bring to a family.

Ha - great suggestions!!! No you're right - i'll start to focus on some of that stuff. I would definately love a son at some stage - i loved having brothers and thought it was an important part of my development growing up with both sexes..just with these two being so close i would have loved 2 girls. But then again my bro and i were only 18 months apart and are still very close. I think i might just start mentally preparing myself that there's a strong chance that i am having a son (i'm too easily referring to bub as she) so then it's not a big shock. Thanks for the feedback - it has helped :)

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the toys that your DH will absolutely LOVE buying for him (trust me, every adult male reverts to about 8 years old when it comes to buying toys for boys!)

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OMG that's so true!! Every time we go to **** Smith or a toy shop DH finds something that Yasin and Imran really really want and can't live without LOL. Its usually something totally age innappropriate with shiny wheels or tiny parts (think Mechano sets, remote controls, model helicopters):rolleyes:

Rae little boys offer the most beautiful and tender love and the love that you feel for them is overwhelming..there is no other male in the world apart from your DH that you will love this much! I feel so blessed to have all 3 of my precious precious girls but it has completed us being able to share the joy of having a son and brother for the girls in our lives.

Jo

So true - and my DH is a real blokey bloke and dreams of building a car with his son, teaching him the blokey skills he has learnt and doing the whole sports thing with him (even though we'll be doing that with our girls too - but it's different i guess for a guy). And i also see the closeness my mum and my youngest brother have - on a different level to what us girls have with her so that'd be nice for me to experience too. Besides if i think back to when i was teaching my favourites (hehehe - yep not supposed to have faves but i couldn't help it) were always boys for some reason.

No worries Rae. I am worried how I will feel if we have another baby and it is a girl, so worried that I will find out what gender the baby is beforehand, because I feel that I will need time to adjust and to get the house organised to accommodate three girls, that sort of thing mainly. But I have no doubt that I would love another daughter if that's what we have.

I feel lucky to have the children that we have because we get to experience both worlds. I think that the bond that siblings share transends their ages and genders - no matter what they are siblings for life.

Gee i'm glad i decided to brave up and post in here - hehehehe. I was feeling really guilty about it all but am already honestly feeling more positive. I'm glad to have got it out in the open now as i've still got some time before we are able to find out the sex to really process all the positives of both sexes. Thanks girls...God love BB!

I think that no matter how happy you are with what you have, there will always be a part of you that will wonder what it would be like if things turned out differently.

Rae, I so understand what you said. I know that the ultimately the one thing which matters the most is that my baby is healthy...but I know that both DH and I would prefer to have a boy (I think because a little like you, I know what it's like to have a boy and I love how they love their mums :D) and with the ultrasound coming up next week we're still undecided if we should find out the sex now in case we need some adjustment time or what....obviously we would love the baby either way but it does make you feel a bit horrible doesn't it.

I think no matter how happy you are with what you have, there will always be a part of you that will wonder what it would be like if things turned out differently.

Sherie, I can totally relate to that and it is so true, that is exactly how I feel.

I have 5 beautiful boys and am pg with number 6 and I love my boys with all my heart and wouldn't change my life in any way, I am very happy with my boys but I will always wonder what it would be like to have a girl and have that close mother/daughter relationship that I had always wanted.

I won't be upset and thnking about it every day but every now and then the thought will be there.

Oh well, I will just have to hope that my boys pick nice girls to marry so I will have lots of DIL's.:)

Take Care
Michelle

This is DF and my first bub, for some reason right from the very start we are both certain it is a boy! We even call it 'he' my family does also.

As DF wants the sex to be a surprise, we won't be finding out by U/S the gender.

After reading these posts, I think I had better really start reffering to bub as well 'bub' as all this talk of 'him' may come as a big shock in 6 months when he could become she :eek:

Do you think there is anything to be said about gut instincts and what you are carrying?

I must admit when I was trying to fall pg with Charlie, with 5 long years of TTC and then 8 cycles of IVF, it really didn't matter to me whether I had a boy or girl, coz we'd just been trying for so long that I was grateful no matter what sex it was.

But despite knowing that having another baby would be equally difficult as having Charlie, and would definitely involve IVF and all it's emotional, financial and physical difficulties, I reckon that if I ever fell pregnant again, I would certainly be hoping it was a girl. I would love another boy as much, but I do think I would be the teeniest bit disappointed.

And that's being painfully honest, coz I for one know what it's like for a LTTTC to want a baby, any baby. But I definitely qualified as a long termer, and I reckon even I could experience gender disappointment!

I have 5 boys and I have just recently found out that I might be having a girl(99.9%)at my 20wk u/s. I am over the moon but am still finding it hard to believe.
I was happy if it was either but now that I think it is a girl if it grows little boy bits between now and the birth I can honestly say I will be devestated and very disappointed.
Take Care
Michelle

Hi Michelle:hello:
Wow you must have your hands full with 5 boys, I think they have given you pretty good odds of having a girl, so good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, I hope that when I fall pregnant again I will have a boy, but as long as it is healthy that is all that matters.
Take Care:)