What would you do?

[BellyBelly]

Marisa is having problems with a fellow preppy at school who is more on the younger side of the class, who is a bit 'rough' and silly. She doesn't like people invading her space and she wont say anything about it because of her SM, so we discussed it with the teacher last night at her parent teacher night (she's not the only one with a problem with this girl apparently), so hopefully Marisa will start whispering to the teacher when something is up... but Marisa asked me last night if I would tell the child's parents about it. Her party is coming up and Marisa doesn't want to go... when I RSVP, should I mention why she doesn't want to go, or not?

[Jennifer13]

Ooooo tricky one, Kelly. Do you know the parents well? And is this a whole class invitation kind of party, or more select?

Personally, I would tell her about it on a separate occasion to declining the invitation, that way you have a better shot at getting a willing listener, rather than a defensive mum. Maybe you could call her or meet up with her while the kids are at school to tell her about Marissa's problem with her daughter. More in a kind of, what do you think we can do to help them get along better?

The reason I say don't decline the invitation based on Marissa's dislike of the other girl is that I witnessed a friend's situation last year when a fair few of the other mums in her DDs' class 'ganged up' on this one little boy who was being anti-social and his mum (didn't invite him to their parties and a fair few declined his bday party). The mum was a bit lost and didn't know what to do, even though she wanted to improve things for her son.

[Trillian]

I wouldn't put it on the RSVP why she doesn't want to go as maybe this child's mum doesn't realise that other children have a few issues with her daughter and it might cause problems when there previously were none kwim? But I agree with Jennifer - raise it as a separate thing to the party one-on-one and try to come to a solution.

[BellyBelly]

Ooooh no I wasn't going to put it in writing on the RSVP but call and chat to her.

It's so hard, when you have a quiet child, you do get excluded from so much, when it's not because you don't want to be with them. It's very isolating, I remember when she was little, mothers group would go out together and one day we went to the pancake parlour, ordered a yummy lunch (I think first time I had eaten out somewhere after having her, it had been a long time) and I had to leave as the food got there as she was hysterical. I was starving but we had to leave, without much word from the group. She was very unsettled from a young age and it's really disappointing when fellow mothers isolate you instead of offer support or understanding. Sealed the deal when I told them I had just gotten out of a M&B unit with PND... weird looks all around. Why are mums like this? So sad

Maybe I will choose another occasion to talk to this girls' mother, but it constantly amazes me how you can have a challenging/shy/quiet child and it really puts you on the outer. The whole idea of explaining why she's like that makes ME anxious - say she has SM then you have to explain it or they make their own conclusions. Say she's shy and they think its simple and try and 'fix' her by forcing her into uncomfortable situations! Argh! Shy children are not being manipulative!

Gee that turned into a vent!!! She had a party this weekend and it was difficult for us all so I think that was stewing lol!

[Jennifer13]

Oh okay, Kelly. Is there a chance you could see/speak to her before needing to RSVP. Maybe along the lines of sorting this out with a view to Marisa being okay with going along to the party? Or is it too soon to be an option? If you don't think there'd be enough of a behaviour switch for Marisa to be comfortable going along anyway, then I'd do the coffee and chat option as you RSVP so you've got the best chance of getting your point across to a receptive audience.

[Jennifer13]

As a side point, Kelly, you've reminded me of the story of someone who wrote into Sydney's Child (I think it's Melbourne's Child down there). They have a DS who has cerebal palsy and he went along to a mainstream preschool for a few years and then school. Every year for his birthday party at preschool he invited along the whole class and every year he never received a single invitation in return. His last year of preschool he told his mum that he just wanted to invite his family. His first year at a mainstream school he got his first invitation to someone else's birthday party and he was so excited. His mum wrote in saying that he had another party coming up and they could get used to this!

I want to cry every time I think of that little boy and when I read the letter out to my DP we were both in tears. What a horrible attitude the other parents displayed to their preschool-aged children and what kind of an example are they setting??! If the child's behaviour was challenging, surely they could have asked one of the parents to stay...

Sorry to hi-jack Kelly, but your story made me think of this and it really makes my blood boil that other parents cannot be more accepting and show some understanding when a family has a difficult situation!

[Trillian]

LOL Kel, my mistake It is hard, because we all want our kids to have friends and go to parties and all the rest of it. is Ris worried that what you've sorted out about this girl will get her into trouble if she goes to her party?

[Rouge]

I wouldn't say anything when RSVP'ing definitely not LOL (but you've already established that LOL)! Have you thought of having a play date with the child and the parents to see how they would deal with the situation and maybe you can broach the topic then?

I know its hard Kel, but try and remember too that all kids have problems with other kids. Paris has 2 kids at her school that I have said strictly to the teacher she is not to sit next to them or do any activities with them under any circumstances and Paris is mostly outgoing at school. But she still doesn't know how to deal with these two children as one is quite boisterous and silly and the other is bordering on a pervert *ugh* And I know that both parents are unapproachable as they have been in meetings with the school and its been no help at all. So my advice would be to assess the situation and see whether or not you think the parents are approachable and if they are chat about it (I have done this with some of the parents and they were happy to be told and we worked it out with the kids ourselves and now its harmonious ). What I mean to say is, please don't think you are on the outer because ris has MS, often it can take up to 6 months to establish friendships for kids and parents. I was lucky that most of the parents I already knew from Kinder and already had established friendships, but you've got to start from scratch so its going to take a little longer I'm sure. I know how hard it is for you on a daily basis, and I know how much you worry about ris but I'm sure 99.9% of the time school is good for her and she has a great time. I remember when Paris first started school she would come home sad and tell me she didn't have anyone to play with at all, then the next day she would tell me some story about who she played with the day before and I would say to her "Didn't you say you had no one to play with" and she said oh that was only in big play till I found xxx" and so not only was it a small moment in ONE of the playtimes but she had lots of fond memories about the day she just chose to focus on the bad when she came home LOL! I remember stressing about it so much, and talking to the teachers a few times then I realised the pattern and calmed down a bit. So don't beat yourself up for being concerned, but please know it does get easier, I can't imagine stressing about all the politics of school and then worrying about MS on top of that!

If you need an ear I'm always here... I hope I've made sense!

[BellyBelly]

That is so awful Jennifer, I could just cry too What is wrong with the world? Poor little boy

Cai, what you said about Paris is so true, Marisa does that. In fact we were driving along the other day and I was like OMG, she SOUNDS like Paris did 12 months ago. She's little miss confidence and maturity at home, and now talks in accents like American it's so funny. The things she comes out with.

This girl was sitting next to her last week, she was drawing on Marisa and all these sorts of things were happening where Marisa would get blamed for it - Ris wouldn't have the confidence to say no, it wasn't her! So thats what upset me that she could be getting into trouble when she's not naughty for people (except her own parents!!). This week she is sitting opposite her bestest prep friend so she is much happier

Thanks for the advice everyone. This girl is in after school care every day, so I say we have a very busy family, so I can understand what's going on. Could be worse!!!

[rosehannah]

Hi Kelly,

When I read your post it brought back memories for me, my son was the one that stood out in the class as being in peoples faces, K, yr1 and year 2 were often sad times as I watched my son try to make friends but not getting it right, he had trouble settling himself down and seemed to be socially immature.
I would say that if the mother was at all in tune with her DD that she would be aware that there is a problem.
What I found helpful was that the teachers that taught my DS were excellent in working with me to help my DS. They kept me informed of how my DS was going and filled out a lengthy questionair that I took to a Peadetrician (sp) From this we found that my DS was a bit delayed in his social skills but it should sort itself out with time. I have noticed as has his teacher that my DS is doing really well lately and has some steady friends.
Last year I had a mum call me to let me know that she had had to ask DS to play nicely with her DD and at first I felt awkward and apologetic, but as I knew her to be a nice person I felt that her phone call was well intentioned and I appreciated the call as it gave me a chance to sit down with DS and talk about what had happened.
I hope that you are able to find a solution.