Would you go into debt for your childs secondary education?

ff - DD has tried calling her dad so many times and he just hangs up on her. There was also an e-mail sent to DD asking her to forward him 8 points she needs to improve on, it was to be typed in 12 point font, fill the page, make sense and be with him by 8pm.. WTF, who does that....

Marlene - We don't mind sending her to the local catholic schools and are willing to pay up to certain amount and they all fit the criteria perfectly. Bella will be going to any one of the same schools, good point cause DF brought this up today actually.

goodness me Im sory your DD's father is being so incredibly childish and selfish about all this!

Of course your DD is gonna feel like her world has ended if she has to leave her current school, but I think the best thing to do is take full custody of DD and put her in public school.

Hope things get sorted out x

:

---

ff - DD has tried calling her dad so many times and he just hangs up on her. There was also an e-mail sent to DD asking her to forward him 8 points she needs to improve on, it was to be typed in 12 point font, fill the page, make sense and be with him by 8pm.. WTF, who does that....

---

Sounds like DD will be a LOT better off with you anyway. Sounds like he has a few screws loose. No wonder he's an X!!

:

---

Marlene - We don't mind sending her to the local catholic schools and are willing to pay up to certain amount and they all fit the criteria perfectly. Bella will be going to any one of the same schools, good point cause DF brought this up today actually.

---

Go ahead with the catholic schools then hun. Whatever school you can afford is what will be best for your DD. I'm sure we will not be a happy chappy when she has to change schools, but she will get over it. Plenty of kids have to change schools for all different reasons...it's just a part of life..and another life lesson.

:hug:

I agree with Marlene, she will understand and probably hate her dad and step mother for putting her in that situation. Hopefully she learns some life lessons from her father on what NOT to do!

I'd try talking to the school about some sort of delayed payment for the rest of the year and explain the situation with your X - let her finish out the year. Sorry, but I just think it would be really hard to start at a new school, not at the beginning of the year (did that, worse time of my life).

That also allows for some negotiations of some sort with XH (although sounds like you might not get very far) just in case he lets DD come back to his place.

If that doesn't work, catholic school it is.

If DD does go back to XH, I would be making it very clear to her that you can't afford the fees and that she would have to go to another school if it doesn't work out with Dad. Although this may be putting undue pressure on her, especially if he is having unrealistic expectations of what a 14 year old is like.

Good luck!

:

---

ff - DD has tried calling her dad so many times and he just hangs up on her. There was also an e-mail sent to DD asking her to forward him 8 points she needs to improve on, it was to be typed in 12 point font, fill the page, make sense and be with him by 8pm.. WTF, who does that....

.

---

He has issues!!!!!!!

Sorry this is happening to you and DD hope you can sort it out asap, I do aggree that starting a new school in term 4 would be very tough, talk with school and see what can be arranged.

Good luck

OMG he sounds like a nut job!
I defy him to find a 14 yr old girl who isn't sometimes rude!!
I would contact the school and show them all the emails too, they may have some extra funds for this kind of emergency.
Your poor DD.

Agree whats been said in here! What is his problem, he sounds so childish, worse than a child.
I'm sure the school will come up with a payment plan for the rest of the year if you explain it to them, yes it'll be hard for your daughter to change schools but she will adjust and there are alot good catholic schools out there.

:

---

Make sure he signs something to say that you now have sole custody...and put her in public school.

---

Totally agree, what kind father hangs up on his daughter over and over, a child doesn't need that sort of crap in there lives, grr, i feel angry reading this thread! I wanna knock his head off!

What a mean dad!!!! I personally think it would be best for you to take her out (either now or at the end of the year) and send her to a school that you can afford. Sit down and have a really honest, adult conversation with your DD to explain why you have to do this, that you don't want to, but there is no choice. Yep, she might 'hate' you for a bit, but she'll get over it, and she will eventually see that her dad is the one to blame!!!

I feel sorry for her, her dad treating her like that :(. And WTF is with the 8 point email in 12 point font etc?????? Is he going to start home schooling her? He sounds like a really bad, mean teacher :lol:. I hope she didn't do it.

:

---

No I wouldn't. I'm happy with the education I received at a public school and I'm more than happy that my children will also go to public schools. In my opinion, if a child is excited by learning, then they will do well anywhere. I think it's up to my and my husband to make them excited to learn in the first place. School's can only do so much....

---

I agree with this 100%....I have this debate with the IL's (and DH) sometimes. I was publicly school educated, and they were privately school educated. I chose not to go to Uni because I'd already decided what I wanted to do by year 10 and I got into it and studied it. They went to Uni, racked up debt, but it got them no further in life than me. With DS we would see if he wanted to learn and whether it would benefit him first before we ever took that path....I'll be pushing for public education, it does not harm!

Really interesting reading all of the replies.. My crap situation aside, I often wonder why people feel the need to plunge into such a huge commitment.

Minimax - you are so right. I was a straight A student and went to the local high school cause my family couldn't afford to send me to a private school. I never went to uni, but I eventually did my certificate IV in business at TAFE, this never put me a cent into debt and I got a fabulous job and now I work from home for my DF. Whereas XH's wife has done half her teaching course, half of something else and half of something else IYGWIM at uni and thinks she knows it all. When she and my X got married he realised that he also married her $30k hecs debt :rolleyes:

Janie - the 12 point font thing is nothing, you should see the txts I get, sometimes I could knock his head off his shoulders too.

Thanks for the support ladies, so muchly appreciated but my job is still not any easier. I hate being in this position.
I just talked to DD on the phone and she didn't want to talk about it because she is enjoying her weekend away with her friends. :wall: glad she's enjoying herself.
I feel like forwarding his e-mail to his work, friends, family and the school so they can see just what a lowlife he and his wife are...

Oh I feel sorry for you!!! My dad used to send my mum 5 page letters, explaining all the things he wasn't happy with :rolleyes:. Usually nonsense. However, if he called our house to talk my brother and I, and mum answered, he couldn't get off the phone quick enough!!!! :lol:

Sue, so not expecting to read what i just read.

Hugs to you and your DD. What a father! I bet your X and his wife were looking for some petty excuse to send DD packing back to your house. Just because the money dried up, they weren't going to go into debt for her. How pathetic. If he thinks DD is rude, well he's just effing childish.

Your DD doesn't need him or his wife. Good riddance i reckon. How can a parent hang up the phone to their own kids? What if there really was something important she needed to talk to him about, like an emergency situation??

I think DD needs to go into a school that you can afford now. Why wait until the end of the year and rack up extra expenses for yourselves? She is going to leave that school anyhow isn't she?? What difference will a term make? In fact, it will give her a head start for next year, as she'll already have made friends.

No kid wants to leave their friends behind, but it's just part of life.

I agree with the others, make sure you get some form of documentation which states that DD will be with you from now on.

Gl hun.:hug:

If I had a child with special needs and that's what it cost to give them a chance at a good education, then yes, I would.

If we can't afford to send DD to a private school when we are planning to (she's booked in from year 5 onwards), then we won't go into debt for it, no. We can supplement her (comparatively) free public school education with extra tutoring, if she needs it, or extracurricular activities (music lessons, etc) if it doesn't seem that the local school has as much available in an area that suits her as we would like. I went to a state school and I have two and a half degrees (one a postgrad, which are all paid for!). The value placed on education by families does not necessarily correlate to the amount of money spent on it.

In your case I think the big thing is your DD. Maybe some time with you at home with space is what she needs to help her deal with how her father is treating her. IF he has been paying the bill for education till now then he is responsible for last term as she was still with him then and that is one of the reasons why he got the settlement, for having the kids.

Once things calm down just be truthful with your DD and let her know money in your house is not like it was with dad. Get her involved at looking at local schools you can afford so she has a choice, she might not like it to start with but in time she will come round in time.

We are living ina time when money is really important and getting into debt over a matter like this could make life very hard for you later, particularly with other kids.

:

---

IF he has been paying the bill for education till now then he is responsible for last term as she was still with him then and that is one of the reasons why he got the settlement, for having the kids.
.

---

This is the crux of it for me (aside from the twat-like attitude). The settlement was based on the kids, he chose the education and I'm pretty sure the CSA would agree.
Keep the email for later purposes won't you.

:yeahthat: and also, the school will have a record of who has been paying and I am not sure what kind of paperwork they do in private schools but I would imagine when she was enrolled, he would have signed something to say he was going to pay the fees. So in no way would you be responsible for last term and I would say even if you kept her there until the end of the year, they would be chasing your DH for money and not you.
All that aside, hope your DD is OK with all this. It must be difficult enough being 14 without being sent packing from home.

Chose to remove post.

Well well well, don't think we need to worry about the schooling decision now :rolleyes:.. DD came home yesterday from a weekend with her friends, cracked a wobbly cause she didn't want to come out to lunch with us and called her dad and went home. Haven't heard a thing yet from them.
What a bizzare situation...

That's teens for you Sue

I'm suprised her father took back, give that he hung up on her calls.

TD, yeah teens alright... kind of worries me what kind of people my kids are going to grow into given the behaviour they witness from their dad and his wife. Monkey see monkey do I suppose....

In this situation I would absolutely not be paying the money.

I hope that this is the last that you hear about it for a while - but if I were you I would be checking out the other schoolign options as it wouldn't surprise me if it all blows up again soon.

Good luck.

:

---

Really interesting reading all of the replies.. My crap situation aside, I often wonder why people feel the need to plunge into such a huge commitment.

---

We have spent well over $100k on our DD's private education... not just highschool... since pre-school. Worth every cent.

Why? Both DH and I were bright students in the public system. We were both very let down by the public schools and by our parents. Essentially I was a shy student who found that most of my teachers time was spent keeping the loud/disruptive students under control. DH was brighter than me but there was no individual differences program back then... he just twiddled his thumbs waiting for everyone else to either catch up or shut up. Our parents either didn't think that there was a better option or didn't want to spend the money... they preferred to spend the extra money they had on themselves... in my case boats/golf/horses/new homes. I asked to go to a private school where there were only girls because I thought it might help with some of the teasing and pressure to have a boyfriend etc. Both DH and I were just pushed through the system like sheep... well that's how it felt.

We are not sending our DD to a private school only for academic reasons. It's also so that she can receive pastoral care and benefit from the excellent sports program (she is very into sport). We feel that the culture of the school is what we are paying for. It's a very safe and caring culture. If my DD has any issues we are contacted immediately. If she doesn't hand in her home work her teacher gives me a call. Last year this annoyed my DD... because friends of hers that attend the public highschool said that the teachers there don't call parents if you don't do your home work... this appealed to my DD (LOL) and she said "I want to go to a school where the teachers don't care so much" Hmmmm.

Ok so we haven't gone into that much debt. At the moment each term costs about $5,000 and we are usually able to pay off the credit card that we use to put it through before the next term is due. The most tangible proof that we are getting value for money is in our DD's confidence. She is an average student but her attitude is one that has her believing that she can do anything if she tries hard enough. Her teachers have an exceptionally high morale and all seem to love working at her school... this transfers through to the students.

I guess we all parent in a way that makes up for things we all feel we missed out on as children... I always had lots of "stuff" lived in brand new and nice homes with pools and all the mod cons.... but this wasn't what I needed. My parents ended up divorcing and all that stuff was lost anyhow. I always say too that "you can't repossess an education" even if things do get dire.

DH feels that his skills were never maximised at school... he never developed that confident "can do" attitude until well into his adulthood... he wants our kids to avoid history repeating itself at all costs. It means that ATM we have to rent... but you can buy a house anytime... our kids only get 1 chance. Once they have left school then then you can't change your mind... it's done.

Baths. Well said hun.

Would you/do also send your other kids to private schools to?

I am having this dilemma atm.

i will be letting my son decide me and dp have been talking bout ag college thats if he wants too we would fork out the 34 thou a year for him to attend but if he wanted to study music i would do the same thing it depends on what they want and need same with uni we would help with some of it not all of it as they need to learn what its like to stand on ones own feet without struggling so much they see no light at the end of the tunnel

scolloships are great as they set you up to thrive

Ta TD :hug: I felt a bit nervous about the reaction I was going to get... being so "pro" the private system. :hide:

Our 5yo DS is attending a local public primary school for two reasons: It has an exceptionally good reputation and also because he is a very shy child we wanted him to go to a school where he knows as many other kids as possible. All the kids in our street go to this particular school. DH wants to transfer him to a private school (that goes from prep to year 12) in grade 5. Most of the families with boys in our street end up sending their older boys to this school too for highschool.... and all the families are exceptionally happy with this school. This school also has a pre-school and we are thinking of putting our youngest (currently 3yo) there too... so he might go right through like our DD did... from primary to highschool. Expensive yes, but at least we'll get sibling discount! I'm also hoping to teach eventually and might apply to this school. I worked at my DD's school when she was in grades prep - year 3 and so I received a 25% staff discount. Well, that's the plan anyhow.

ETA: we most likely won't be helping our children financially if they go onto uni. When I was at uni I had a casual job and paid my own way. DH also feels that our $$$ responsibility ends in year 12. We also won't be helping them buy cars or houses.

Bathsheba - completly agree with what you have said. I to am a believer in that you only get 1 opportunity especially with education. I would spend the money on my children too. Well said. :)

Thanks Sunnyday :) and welcome to BellyBelly!

Just to add another dimension to it all: I believe in the public system and if I thought that my children could get the best possible education in the public system I would use it. Unfortunantly it's just not the case at this time. I am a Socialist at heart and there are other aspects of my life that I feel more strongly about: like using public transport. We, as a family, use the public transport system daily. The idea of going into debt to have our own private vehicle doesn't sit well with us at all. I know that we are lucky in that we have busses and trains within a blocks walk. I know that some people have no choice but to go into debt by about $20,000 to have a car. But lucky we don't. I often think that if I drove and we were a 2 car family then we then wouldn't be able to afford private education. I guess you can't have it all. For US as a family we believe that money is better spent on education than transport... but that's just us... I don't expect everyone to agree :)

:

---

ETA: we most likely won't be helping our children financially if they go onto uni. When I was at uni I had a casual job and paid my own way. DH also feels that our $$$ responsibility ends in year 12. We also won't be helping them buy cars or houses.

---

This was how I was brought up as well Bath. My parents always told us that they would buy us the very best education that they could afford but it was up to us to do what we wanted with it. If we went to uni or wanted to buy things then use our brains (and brawn) and get on with it ourselves. I turned out just fine! And you know what - its how I plan to bring up my kids too.

wow Bath, I love you and your DH's views on life and where you put the importance on things. I have never actually thought about education quite like that. Everything you said about you and DH as kids being very bright and just having to sit there doing nothing while the rest of the class caught up, thatshow my education was and I gave up in the end and really bombed out in year 12 cause there just wasnt enough time to have one on one with a teacher to work out where I wanted my studies to take me. You have really made me think more about DS schooling, thanks heaps

I agree Muppity :thumbsup: I don't get the need for parents to give deposits for homes especially. DH and I have resigned to not being able to afford a home until all the kids have left home.... and that's ok. Then we won't have to downsize. I know my parents are proud of having bought my sister and I so much stuff... but all I really wanted was butchers paper to draw on LOL I think they were a product of their own childhood... they were children of poor farmers... they must have always wanted stuff so focussed on giving that to us. Still... i dunno... I think a good education is the best of ALL investments.

ETA: Ta widdly :)

Hmmmm, I suppose as long as you don't "buy" into the fact that a public education is less than a private one.

I have been educated at both public and private secondary and whilst I do agree the pastoral care was better private at the end of the day it comes down to the school itself. One public secondary I went to, although at it's strength back when I went there had sadly degenerated but the time I sent my daughter. However I do blame stupid Jeff Kennett with his 'merge all the schools' attitude because it certainly didn't work with this one, they ended up going back to the original plan but it never recovered.

I ended up leaving private for public because the public sports program crapped on the private. But that was just that school in a pool of many.

I had all intentions (and investments!) sorted for DD to have a private education but over the years I gained a much better 'feel' for the private schools around the area and quite frankly I didn't like what I saw.

I'm very glad we have an excellent public school close enough to send DD, the feel, the morale the attitude to the students and teachers alike really rocked my boat.

At the end of the day I want the best education for my (rotten, ungrateful) DD and if I had to pay for it I would - just thanking my lucky stars that good public is available because she also needs thousands of $$ for orthodontic work :rolleyes:

Yes! Phew! My DD won't need orthodontic work thankfully! You are lucky to have a good public highschool in your area Lulu... we just don't. It's really wrong that in the public system you often have no choice :( We moved across Melbourne for our DD to go to the private school she is at only because it would have taken too long to drive everyday if we had stayed where we were... but if we had to use the public system I would move out of this area immediately.

I find it very disheartening as a public school teacher that my job is so devalued by some people in this thread. Obviously if you don't pay for your education its no good and obviously I mustn't care about my class cause its the public system.
Also I obviously don't care about my oldest DD either because I have shown her no care at all and spent nothing sending her to the local public high school instead of going into massive debt to send her to some snooty private school where she can feel completely out of place cause we aren't rich but where she could be spoon fed to keep up their HSC results in order to charge huge fees.

All of the "i care enough about my children to spend heaps of money getting them an education" has made my blood boil. I deeply care about my chilren's education but as a firm believer in the public system I feel that it can be achieved within that system too. So many of these pro private posts have been very ANTI public schools.
I am not anti private schools just the people who seem to think that only those who care about their children's education use them.

Ask me in 10 years!

Look, in theory I'm against private education because my biggest core belief is about equality of opportunity. At a very simplistic level, I think it's unfair that people can buy a better education for their kids than those that can't. And I say this as someone who will be able to afford it so it's not sour grapes from that respect.

However, we also live in the real world and obviously I will want the best for DD. I imagine my leftie principles will go out the window if I see her struggling in a public school. But I still find it very hard to come to terms with the fact that my money means that DD may squeeze into uni with the best education that money can buy ahead of some really bright kid who's recently arrived as a refugee living in a housing commission flat doing their homework whilst sharing a bedroom with two other siblings. An extreme example I know.

As I said, ask me in 10 years.

I'm really disappointed you feel that was what I was saying MrsMac :( I could say that I feel offended by your labeling me as snooty but I'll let it go. It it was this kind of "cut down the tall poppy" syndrome I also wanted to avoid as part of my children's education. When I was at school it was very uncool to be smart or be good at anything other than sport. I wonder if this has changed? I know that at my DD's school it's actually cool to achieve and not be called the Teacher's Pet.

Never once did I put down ALL public schools. I send my son to one. I could very well end up teaching in one. By praising a particular school doesn't mean I am putting down the others... just like because I praise cloth nappies doesn't mean I am condemning all sposie users. My DD goes to a VERY good school and I am VERY proud of myself for making the sacrifices i've made to send her there. Like I said: I could have spent thousands on cars over the past 12 years and probably been more acceptable in most peoples eyes I guess.

I was merely answering Nic's question as quoted in my first reply. Maybe she only wants to here one half of the story?

We are going to have to agree to disagree on this MrsMac for I feel just as passionate as you. Like I said I'm sorry that I have made your blood boil but it would have been more convincing if you had responded to my posts with courtesy. I never used derogatory words when describing the public system and I am confused as to why you should attack my choices. Sadly you haven't been a very good ambassador for the system you promote.

(double post)

I applaud MrsMac for having her opiniona nd coming out and saying what she felt. I went to a public school and I feel I got a great education. There is a couple of Doctors, Engineers etc in my graduating class. I am a firm believer of the public system and even though I dont have kids yet, I will send them to a public school.

My DP went to an expensive ($20 000) a year private school. I dont think he got anything better out of it. My dad went to Hale School in Perth and hes a mechanic. I dont think that private schools are worth the money.

Thats my 2 cents

Sorry Bath - did you only go to one secondary school? Maybe not, but I went to three and it was the public one that promoted striving, personal excellence and fantastic scores.....

I agree NK... but she could have expressed her opinion without putting my choices down so tactlessly. I did say that I believe in the public system as the ideal way... but it's a bit like the private vs public health system. Is anyone, if given the choice, going to stick with the public system even if it means risking your health by remaining on a waiting list for surgery when (if you go private) you could have the surgery tomorrow??? I have a degree of distain for people who upgrade their car every year "just because" they like to drive a nice car.... but that's the kind of thought I would keep to myself ;)