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I have been doing some self reflection lately on my parenting styles.
I am looking to positive commands opposed to the so many negative commands i often give.
Does anyone use the daily and have great results with behaviour??
For example:
In stead of saying
"Dont hit your brother" SAY "hold your brothers hand nicely"
OR
" NO dont draw on the walls!!" SAY " come over and draw on the paper"
I use everyday commands like 'good listening' when he's doing something well ... and as I have serious doubts he "gets" stickers for good behaviour, so I start off with a reward (like a train) drawn on a board and keep it there all day - only removing it if he's naughty. That way I think he sees more of a consequence of his naughty actions and I've started with the assumption that he is already good, he just has to stay good!
Ooh PP I'm not sure, but it's a greta idea. I'm going to give it a try.
Yep - it works. Mostly ;) We try to give positive instruction rather than a multitude of "no's" and "don'ts" which is what I would otherwise happen with a 2yo :lol:
For example, bottoms go on chairs (as opposed to get off the table!!) etc
We also use positive praise repeatedly - and it is sooooo cute to see his face light up when he knows he has done something that we are so happy with / proud of / encouraging. Things like "good job" and "thank you for doing X, mummy is so happy when you do X" and "lovely manners" etc etc
My neighbour used to be a family day care worker and she said that she had the best success giving clear instructions on what she wanted the kids to do rather than what she didn't want them to do - 'walk around the table' as opposed to 'don't run through here'.
I'm really interested in how you go with this. I hope you get GREAT results! :goodluck:
Praise, praise and more praise!!! For DD1 who is nearly 4 yo - I keep commands simple and to the point and I explain why I don't like her behavior for example, Sara stop hitting your sister, it is not nice to hit people (I try to look her in the eyes because commands from a distance don't work) and when I see her playing nicely with her sister I say:Sara you are playing so nicely with your sister good girl.
For DD2 who is 20 months I use words and action. For example she has started drawing on funiture and when I see this happening I say No Loren, draw on paper only not the walls. I then walk her over to paper and tell her to draw on paper only. I am also trying to get her to keep her hat on. So before we go out I say to her: Loren "Hat on" and every time she goes to take off her hat replace the hat and say "hat on". When she does keep the hat on I cheer and clap. If she chucks a tanty I remove her from play, wait till the worst of it is over and then replace the hat with the same command and cheering, then we return to play. This has worked so well in the last couple of days.
I try not to praise them to much i mean really how is telling a child "good coughing" going to help them as they grow.. infact they might find as your prais edrops off in later yrs they feel like failures because its not good any more, directly translates to bad coughing... all because mum isnt Praising me for EVERYTHING!!
talk like you would to an adult.. or next time you hear your DP cough start saying good coughing!! as in normal sentences although maybe some simple words.
(coughing is just an example of crappy praising that im using)
re direction and not using NO will probably mean you will get some better results.
No has SO many meanings for us, children get confused between No we mean.
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You said what I was trying to say perfectly!!!
We try to use the positives. I do find myself at times saying no or don't but generally do try to make it more positive. I tend to go for the no when she doesn't take it the other way.
Praise is good for behaviours you want to continue. Like if she shares something I make a point of saying what a good girl she is and how nice it is to share.
There's also an element of behaviour misdirection when using 'don't' in a request; the concept of 'don't' being abstract (or negative). In the same way that negative numbers are an abstraction, it is impossible to physically demonstrate the idea of 'don't' to a child, so it is usually just subtracted from the equation.
So for example, the phrase 'don't climb on the table' is often interpreted as 'climb on the table', because the 'don't' is simply subtracted from the instruction. Whereas 'sit on your chair' is a tangible alternative that is not open to misinterpretation.
This is especially true when using everyday words ('climb' and 'table' are good examples) that may also be used in a positive context. Although the child can usually tell that it is not being used in a positive context by the tone of voice, it is unclear to them what they should do instead. I suspect that my son's tantrums are less because he is not getting what he wants, and more because he is confused by the lack of clear direction he is being given.
And yes, praise, praise and more praise when they get it right!
thanks girls
Suse - this is exactly what i am thinking.. hence why i am hoping i can improve my parenting to reduce the stress in my toddler :)
LOL PP, and reducing stress in a toddler also reduces stress in a mum. It's a win/win situation :lol:
We always try to use positives with our toddlers and find it works. There are a couple of reasons for it being such a great strategy:
- It is good practice for when kids get older - I worked as a behaviour management teacher before I was a mum and found that if you give a 'don't' instruction to kids (such as 'don't kick) you haven't really covered all your bases because then they turn around and hit instead. Giving the behaviour that you expect rather than what you don't expect makes the boundaries much clearer.
- It really lifts the mood. I feel like I am able to be positive and encouraging with my kids rather than niggling at them all day which just makes them niggle back. By trying to keep things positive and upbeat, it really makes everything feel a lot happier and more settled. I also feel like I am managing the situation well and I am ahead of the game rather than running behind all the time correcting behaviour constantly.
A lot of experts say that for every corrective instruction you give to a child, you should try and give them 3 positives. When my kids follow an instruction, I always make sure that I thank them for doing it and say what it was that I liked about what they did. I think it is sad when kids follow instructions and do the right thing and don't get any kind of acknowledgement, especially when they get so much attention for not doing the right thing. I try to give attention for the behaviour that I find acceptable and appropriate and usually start by ignoring what I don't find acceptable (when I can).
I think the best part of what we do has been that lately our 2 year old has started repeating the rules back to us and to our 15 month old especially when she is confronted with the thing that the behaviour involves for example the couch 'Bottom on the couch.
Some of our positives redirections are:
- Keep your hands and feet to yourself (for kicking)
- Gentle touches only (for play that is rough, or when there are little babies around)
- Inside voices or quiet voice (for yelling or screaming)
- Bottoms on the couch/bath/chair (for standing up where it is not appropriate)
- Food/drink belongs on the table (for when food or drink is thrown on the floor)
I'm sure we have heaps more, but these are the ones I probably use the most. I always try to make sure that I am setting the example too when I give the instruction. So if I am talking to my kids about not yelling, I get down close to them and say in a quiet voice 'inside voice, thanks'.
Just a few extra hints:
- Many BM experts recommend saying thank-you or thanks rather than please at the end of an instruction because it is assuming the behaviour will be done rather than leaving it open like a question which is what can happen when you say 'please'. There is something programmed in us to be more likely to do something if we have already been thanked for it.
- Also using a tone that goes down at the end of a sentence rather than one that goes up sound more like an instruction - tones that go up sound like questions.
- Instructions are most effectively at eye level with your child. Crouch down to where they are and in a calm voice tell them what you want. They seem to listen much better when you do this and understand that the instruction is for them.
Sorry if there is TMI here. I started typing and just kept going :redface: sorry.
Totally works. I have done it with rooms full of toddlers for years, so am well practised! The more you focus on doing it, the more you will come up with new ideas for doing it!
I've had nearly 10 years of practice now, as we don't to use negative commands in childcare settings. It becomes second nature after a while.
Good luck, stick with it, you'll love it.
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no this is brilliant! thanks so much... write away!
I think like so many have already said that yes they do work. I find that on my bad days...lol reacting to Oskar's bad days - both of our days end up appalling! That was yesterday - wrong side of the bed for him I think.
Anyway, for the mostpart yes it's great! In fact I've noticed lately a lot more that he's coming to me telling me what he needs to be doing - eg: today we're at a friend's house and he was playing with a toy and I brought another out which his little friend was going to play with and Oskar immediately (as 2 yr olds will) raced to get it. I put my hand up (as in stop) and said stop, you are playing with X and before I could say another thing he goes... wait until J has finished then I can have a turn. YAY!!! YES!!! I was so proud of him. I try to explain to him why etc and I've found that to be something which works so much better than just a "do it" type of approach. I think they need clear and positive instruction as much as possible.