I feel... weird.

I feel a bit like my heart is torn in two right now.

Today is the second anniversary of my third angel baby, but I still remember the pain as though it were yesterday.

I feel sad... but at the same time I almost feel guilty for feeling sad as if that baby had been able to stay we wouldn't have Sam, and how can I wish Sam away?

I didn't keep track of due dates - too much pain from earlier losses. It really only hits me on anniversaries, and it just sucks that this anniversary is so hard to forget - being sandwiched between my mother's birthday and Australia Day (kind of explains why I always forget mum's birthday now, shame Australia Day isn't as easy to ignore).

I guess I also feel guilty as in all the flurry of arriving home with our premmie bub and trying to organise moving house, I completely forgot this angel's last anniversary.

So, I'm sorry, little angel - you are not forgotten.

But I also feel so strange as wishing it hadn't happened is wishing Sam away and he has brought so much joy to our lives.

BW

I completely understand! And my angel babys anniversary is early next month.
I have had those thoughts go through my mind a million times Hun. I think its only natural - we love our Earth babies but dont want to forget our angle bubs either.

Hugs hun.

Kate

:hugs: Anniversaries are never easy. I always think about the what ifs too.

:hug: BW

BW, I feel the same way. I can't imagine life without Grayson but I miss Parker and Shelby like mad. I would love to have all three of them with me. I am so glad to have Grayson though. I am a stronger woman and a better mother because of everything that I have been through.

:hug: remembering your little angel today with you. xo

I feel that guilt too BW, a bit like if I wish we had our angel that I am betraying DD2 a little because then we wouldn't have her - if that makes any sense? So many things to feel guilty about as a mother I guess :wall:

:hug: to you, anniversaries are difficult, take care of yourself.

megsmum, that is exactly how I feel! Either way I'm betraying the child that could have been of the child that is...

I guess it just comes down to accepting that the pain on my journey has made me who I am today. Without the losses, I would not have Sam, but I also would not be the mother I am today. While it has been horrible, it has shaped me and made me stronger and while it's still sad it was somehow necessary for me to be who I am now.

Thank you to everyone for the hugs and understanding. I hate that so many need to understand this pain and the emotions that go through your mind on significant dates and random moments when something reminds you, but I'm also glad to have the comfort.

Sending a :hug: to everyone missing angel babies.

BW