Over 40 and TTC

I am 42 years old now and just had my second miscarriage. After the first one, I wanted to start TTC immediately and I really believed we will have our baby. This time, I am terrified that even if I do get pregnant, the baby will die again due to some chromosomal abnormality because my eggs are just so old. I would like another baby, but I am just so terrified... And I really do not feel positive.
Are there any ladies in a similar situation? Theoretically, I should know that it IS possible to have a healthy child after a miscarriage and after 40, but maybe that was just a fluke? I cannot shake a feeling that I just got really really lucky with my daughter and it will never happen again :-(

Luna, I'm so sorry about your recent m/c :hug: Yes, our eggs are getting older (I'll be 40 in May) but there is still a good chance for a successful pg for you. I guess you have to think that there are higher risks with being older, but are you willing to take the chance? I am currently 34 wks pg after a successul IVF frozen cycle back in July 09. Sometime later in the year (I'm thinking as soon as my AF comes back after the bub is born) I will do another fully stimulated cycle and it scares the c**p out of me but like you, I would love a sibling for this little one.
The feeling of 'it will never happen again' is just our fears talking, but I do believe with positive thinking and a strong desire of a positive outcome anything is possible!!

GL hun with whatever decision you decided to take, but my advice is 'Take the plunge!' and hope for the best!!

Beata x

Thank you Beata, you have no idea how much your post means to me. I will try to explain, but you will probably think I am really superstitious and nuts. Maybe I am.
Well, first of all, my real name is Beata (are you Polish by any chance?). So when I see the first reply from a Beata and it is one with "I am pregnant" I cannot help but think this is a good omen and everything will be OK and I will be like you soon. Pregnant.
When I was pregnant with my little girl, I had a really bad bleed at 6 weeks. I was so sure that everything was over. But when the ultrasound technician said "hi, my name is Faith" I somehow got this hope going. And then we saw the heartbeat, and everything was fine. So after that, I am even more superstitious and nuts.
Do you know if you are having a boy or a girl? Are you planning to breastfeed? I did, and my period did not return for 11 months, so if you are, you may have to wait with nb 2 a bit!
Thanks so much for writing to me, this really makes me feel so much better. You have no idea.

Hi Luna,

Yes, I'm Polish!! Wow, what a coincidence (or more like our paths were ment to cross???). I'm a strong believer in 'signs' that we are sent, and always take notice of them (no matter how small!). I'm having a little boy in mid march. I'm glad all went well in your first pg (although you've had a wee scare), and there is no reason why you shouldn't have another successful pg. Good point about the b/f, my OB told me the same thing and I plan to b/f for at least 6 months as time is of essence to me too! I hope I'm able to b/f, a few of of my friends had issues with it.
I also had a litle boy in Oct 08, but lost him at 21 weeks. He was from the same IVF cycle as this wee one. I had a very big fibroid that got in the way of my otherwise healthy pg, and I went into very premature labour. He was so perfect and we named him Joshua. I just feel so blessed to be pg again, I know my little angel has sent me this little baby.
So I pass on my blessings to you, and wish you with all my heart all the luck in the world in trying for another baby.

PS Where do you live?

Beata xxx

I am so sorry you lost your first little boy. I cannot imagine how devastated it must have been to lose a perfectly healthy little baby and so late in your pregnancy. But not too long and you will have your little boy here to hug and to kiss. I have to say that I only started getting better after my first loss when I got pregnant again and I was quite better after she was born. Nine months of nerves in between, but I do not have to explain that to you.
I am in the US, in the Philadelphia suburb, so a whole different time zone :-). I found this site after my first miscarriage and it helped me a lot. I mostly just read other people's posts, but it was nice to know there are so many women with the same experiences. Made me feel less nuts ;-).
I had some problems with b/f too, because DD did not quite know how to latch on. I had one of those electric pumps, and it really helped - I could pump and feed her from the bottle until she learned to take it "from the tap". She eventually learned. The beginnings may be hard, but do not get discouraged. Even if the health benefits of b/f are still being debated, it is really convenient, particularly for those night feedings, so worth it!

Hi Luna

I am in the same boat as you. I had my first baby at 41 and wanted to try again when she was 6 months but my husband wasn't sure he wanted anymore and it took six months to convince him. We started in September 08 and conceived in March 09 only to lose the baby at 11 weeks. I lost another at 5 weeks soon after and then again on Jan 2nd at 11 weeks. I keep thinking it must be my age and now, at 44, I am mad to try again but the OB thinks it could still just be bad luck. I spent 7 months pregnant last year and it's daunting to think of trying again but I guess we are. The OB tells me has two 46 year olds and a 47 year old who conceived naturally that he is currently treating. I really didn't want to be this old having babies but thats just how it is.

I think one loss can just be bad luck. I know lots of people who have had miscarriages and they are all ages. It's hard to contemplate going through it again but chances are all will go well next time.

Hi Sammy,
that was my thinking too, that one is just bad luck, so I still felt hopeful after my first loss. But after the second time, I am much less optimistic. I am terrified that I can loose another pregnancy. My second loss is so recent, I am still traumatized. Are you ready to try again? I do not want to push myself if I am not ready, but at the same time I feel that I do not have much time for mental healing. So I hope the readiness will come fast.
I hope your next time will be the lucky one, do let us know. It is so comforting to hear success stories. My grandmother had her second child at 44, and when I am really down I keep repeating that to myself.

Sorry Luna

I meant to say that two was bad luck. Quite a few friends had two miscarriages before a healthy baby so I wasn't put off trying again after two but the third has really devastated me. I wouldn't say I was ready to try again but at 44 every cycle counts so if I really want another then I don't have the opportunity to wait. I would have to say the first month after the miscarriage was one of the most difficult of my life. I cried every day and couldn't think of anything else but I've felt a little better in the last couple of weeks. I think the only reason I do feel better is that I made the decision to try again so I am not so focused on the loss. I hope you feel better soon too.

:hug: Luna, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I just wanted to drop in and say that one of my friends is in her 40's and about to have her second baby. She had no problems with her DS but couldn't conceive her second - unexplained secondary infertility. They ended up doing IVF (ICSI from memory) and concieved fist go. There was a bit of an issue at the start as she conceived twins and one passed away but since then she has had a problem-free pregnancy and is due in a week!

The fertility specialist that she saw wanted to go to IVF straight away and it seems they did the right thing - are you seeing a specialist at all?

Nai - I am not seeing a specialist, because so far I had no problem conceiving, it is staying pregnant that is a problem. I had some tests done for the luteal phase defect after the first loss, but everything came out fine, so it must have been bad egg. Probably the same this time.
I heard IVF can help with weeding out bad eggs at least a bit - if the embryos do not grow right, then they will not be implanted, right? But I am not ready to go the IVF route, still hoping for the old-fashioned way...
SammyP - that is exactly how I feel, that I do not have much time to wait. I think I will start trying after my first AF, just as you said, TTC takes your mind of the loss. I know it helped me after the first loss, so hopefully this time it will work to. Glad you feel better.

Luna - your story just sounds so similar to mine. I too have no problem conceiving. With all three of the last pregnancies I got a BFP witin two cycles. Did they give you a reason for the miscarriages? With the first and last of mine the baby stopped developing early but it was weeks before I had any signs the pregnancies had failed. With the second it doesn't look as though it implanted well.

I'm also not ready to consider IVF. I'm not sure I will be at all. I know all the meds can really knock you around and as I have a problem with depression I would be nervous about playing around with my hormones. But you never know where desperation takes you.

Sammy - yep,so very similar. All my BFPs were within 3 cycles. I do not know the definite reason, but I suspect bad eggs - chromosomal abnormalities due to my age.

I am also not considering IVF because I do not think it will help me. I did some reasearch. For women over 40, over 80% of miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalilties. IVF cannot help if your egg quality is just not that great. At this point, I really think it is all about luck - I will either catch this one good egg I may still have or not.

One thing I noticed since I was checking the O with the OPK sticks: for my first failed pregnancy, I ovulated on day 21. For the second, around day 17. The one that ended in the baby, I ovulated on day 12 or 13. So definetly a better egg. Hope it happens again. I am thinking that maybe I will not DB after day 15? My cycles have always been 27-28 days, so if an egg takes really long to respond, maybe it is damaged? I should probably run this theory by my doctor...

Hi Luna

Unfortunately, at our age the chance of a miscarriage is high. That's the negative. But the positive, as you've pointed out, is that you get pregnant easily and that's a HUGE positive.

I don't know much about IVF so I don't know if they can do anything to select good eggs.

I'm in a similar(ish) position to you. I'm currently pregnant with my second and at this stage, I'm not ruling out having no. 3 though I have other pregnancy-related health problems that mean that may be too physically difficult. But the spectre of miscarriage has and does weigh on my mind a lot.

At the end of the day, you can only control what you can control. No-one can really do anything about the miscarriage risk, it's just something you need to weigh up emotionally as you're doing.

I tend towards the view that I want to give everything a red hot go and not have any regrets a few years later.