The sperm donor wants in!

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May 21st, 2010, 02:04 PM
Rainbow_Mumma

The sperm donor wants in!

After 3 years of minimal contact with his family members, sperm donor has contacted me at this point in time i dont know why all i can presume is to see claire.

SD was very violent both towards me and DD he was very abusive emotionally and physically to the point DD1 is now 5 we left him a week after her 1st birthday and shes still very scared of confrontation even just raised voices.

Anyway i have seen a lawyer about going full custody but that would mean mediating with him first and i know he will harm me or her or do a runner with her, i feel my time in hiding from him is running out. We did think of moving interstate but now DH has this house which is the house of his dreams and i could get into serious trouble taking claire out of the stateto live.

I dont really know what the point of this post is, im in 2 minds i hate him and want him to disappear and keep ignoring him but on the other hand id love it to be all civil me get a break every now and then although i know this isnt possible as i doubt hes changed that much hes just got out of prison again but i dont want to look bad to the courts by not allowing her to see him kind of kidnapping her from him when there are no legal restrictions in place argh its so annoying!
May 21st, 2010, 02:29 PM
Butterfly Child

Aww hun what a difficult situation!

IMO- if it was me and xp was physically abusive to my dd theres no way in the world id be letting him near her either but i dont no the exact details of ur situation so theres no right answer, i can totally understand why you are feeling the way you are hun:hug:

i would say you just need to go with your gut feeling!

ill be back with more to say dd's just getting into something lol xx
May 21st, 2010, 02:33 PM
Rainbow_Mumma

ill clarify my abusive towards her a little things like when he hit me i would sometimes be holding her or fall into her, he would get angry and drive wrecklessly whilst in the car with her.

Im thinking of going ahead doing the mediation who knows he may have changed but go for supervised visits to begin with until we all gain trust back. I hate his guts but that doesnt mean DD shouldnt be allowed a relationship with him and it would give me a break but i dont want him knowing where i live so it would be me dropping her off which is a lot of fuel and time argh its so confusing aparently hes changed (but honestly how long for this time) and genuinely misses her but he wouldnt miss her if he hadnt have stuffed up so many times
May 21st, 2010, 03:11 PM
LionsandBears

I'm not sure about the legalities of it all, but if he's been violent towards you in the past, can you get an AVO?

I imagine you can then have a 3rd party between you and XP when arranging visitation. Though your DD would have to know not to tell XP where you live.

I'd discuss your options with your lawyer. The main thing is to keep you and your family safe. I would not bank on him having changed.
May 21st, 2010, 03:40 PM
Butterfly Child

you seem to have made the right decision for you and your family with the mediation, like tashybaby dicussing your concerns and options with your lawyer is a great start.

Cant imagine how hard this must be, but just remember you have been doing such a great job with ur dd, i mean look at how beautiful she is:p. i know you will do the right thing for her but i know it cant be easy.
big hugs:hug: take care xx
May 21st, 2010, 04:02 PM
Bumperstump Cummerbund

Did you end up getting the DNA testing you were thinking about darl? I know it was causing some problems with the gf, but it sounds like it'd be a blessing if this guys not the father y'know?

:hug:
May 21st, 2010, 04:07 PM
Rainbow_Mumma

no i didnt, the gf ended up getting her way and my ex didnt want to upset her (cant think of anything nice to say about that!!)
May 21st, 2010, 05:23 PM
LionsandBears

re: the DNA testing. Talk to your lawyer, but it may be posible to get a court ordered DNA test. It's exxy and all parties need to have their samples taken by a doctor or nurse for it to be legal, but you may want to consider it. If you do ever go down this path, you'll need to do it while your DD is a minor or a court may not allow it to be in the best interests of the child.

this is WA specific, but I think the Family Court is federal anyway:
Legal Aid - Western Australia
May 21st, 2010, 05:34 PM
Rainbow_Mumma

ive bee looking at DD very closely since the whole dna thing came up and she has SD's eye shape a very unusual almond shape id never really picked it up before but its there :( im going to have a big chat with DH tonight about what he thinks. I know DH thinks SD cant come here and hurt us blah blah but DH is gone all day and i dont think SD would anyway really as he does really seem to want to see claire but im scared to let him because of the past
May 21st, 2010, 05:41 PM
Lulu

I did notice on FB someone said he had changed? What do you think about that....is this personal reliable? It would be nice to think he has (but probably not likely yeah?) If there was past violence I would think this would be addressed during mediation.
I would certainly take all precautions and not feel silly about it though.

xoxoxoxo GL
May 21st, 2010, 05:45 PM
Footsteps

nik, i have no advice huni just huge hugs.
remember no matter what happens with him you are a great mummy and claire will always have you love and stability.
sd reminds me of my own sd (no violence but a nasty, manipulative, bitter man). i havent seen him in years and i don't call him my father. my step-father is my dad and actually i only talk to him no sd or mother. mediation sounds like a good idea and supervised visits are a must if there is a risk of him taking her until he can prove hes changed and can be trusted.
lots of hugs and i hope everything gets better. xox
May 21st, 2010, 05:56 PM
~*familyof3*~

wow first off im sorry to hear you have to deal with this. Second i would suggest the mediation.Im currently doing the "mediation thing" right now. My ex was/is also a violent controlling scary man. And you dont have to let the child see him untill you have the papers in place. Also if he has been in jail im pretty sure he isnt allowed to have the child on his own(if it went to court that is) so you can ask for supervised visits.

If you dont go for that there are also options there so you dont have to see him or him you. there a centers where you can go and drop her off(to qualified people) and when you have gone he is then allowed to come get her.This way your paths dont cross.

I would say go and get some advice first but make sure you sit down and write out all the things you want to know...no matter how small it is that way you wont forget anything while there.
May 21st, 2010, 07:06 PM
Rainbow_Mumma

:

I did notice on FB someone said he had changed? What do you think about that....is this personal reliable? It would be nice to think he has (but probably not likely yeah?) If there was past violence I would think this would be addressed during mediation.
I would certainly take all precautions and not feel silly about it though.

xoxoxoxo GL

thats the toughie LuLu the person i heard it from was a mutual friend of both of ours and i have no reason not to take her word that he has changed shes always filled me in on where he was, what he was doing etc and has always been reliable. I feel like im having a tug of war with myself on what to think!

:

wow first off im sorry to hear you have to deal with this. Second i would suggest the mediation.Im currently doing the "mediation thing" right now. My ex was/is also a violent controlling scary man. And you dont have to let the child see him untill you have the papers in place. Also if he has been in jail im pretty sure he isnt allowed to have the child on his own(if it went to court that is) so you can ask for supervised visits.

If you dont go for that there are also options there so you dont have to see him or him you. there a centers where you can go and drop her off(to qualified people) and when you have gone he is then allowed to come get her.This way your paths dont cross.

I would say go and get some advice first but make sure you sit down and write out all the things you want to know...no matter how small it is that way you wont forget anything while there.

Writing everything down is a great idea! I will definately be talking to my lawyer, i was just so at ease when he was locked up he was away and there was nothing he could do
May 22nd, 2010, 11:30 AM
~*familyof3*~

:

Writing everything down is a great idea! I will definately be talking to my lawyer, i was just so at ease when he was locked up he was away and there was nothing he could do

I know what you mean. I like to tell myself he(my ex) wants to see his child so he wont risk that by hurting us. That would be stupid......but then again he did fall out of the dumb tree lol