toddler discipline and behaviour

I was just wondering if anyone knew of any good books on dealing with toddlers,i here so much conflicting advice and dont know what to do,I really dont want to have a horrible child that noone wants around but im unsure of the whole smacking and discipline at this age as DD is only 15 months.I dont know how much they undertsand and if alot of its normal etc.She seems quite the easy going child really but theres times mainly when we are out where she really tests me,its like she knows the boundaries at home and so shes ok but soon as we go out noway!She wants out of the stroller or car or shopping trolley and she will just keep carrying on!I dont know whether to just ignnore it or what?I feel the terrible twos have starte already!Any advice and is this a normal phase?Or do i have a dreaded horror?in angel clothing?

She's probably excited to be out and about and wants to explore her surroundings, which is completely normal. I find that taking snacks for my son to munch on and a couple of favoured small toys helps wonders.

Regarding the discipline, I don't think physical punishment is a good way to go about it. Even if you do decide to go that route, 15 months is way too young for smacking. What your daughter is doing may be frustrating, but it's what babies do.

Hey 1pj,

I'm struggling with a similar thing at the moment - DD loves to climb up on tables and things like that. She knows that she is not supposed to but its like she goes to herself "Oh here's a boundary, let's see how far I can push it!"

Its so frustrating to just keep pulling her off the table and saying "No! Not for climbing/standing/whatever!" only to have her do it right again, even while I am there watching!

I was thinking about getting a copy of "Kidwrangling" by Kaz Cooke, or "Toddler Tactics" by Pinky McKay. I've heard good things about these books - Kaz Cooke's I think is more humourous so I'm thinking that'll help me see the lighter side, whereas my sister says the Pinky McKay one has some great techniques and things in it.

I'm not entirely sure how to approach it either as we don't want to smack, she's still too young to understand what that means! Same age as yours - 15mths.

One thing I do with the pram, as we have the exact same thing happen when we go out, she just wants to get out and walk - I assume because she can now, why would she want to be constrained??? - we do get her out, then we drop the handle bar of the pram right down low so she can hold on to it and she "helps" to push the pram.

Usually keeps her happy for a little while!

Good luck!

We read a really good book on parenting (not specifically toddler) called heart to heart parenting by Robin Grille. Highly recommend it because it helped us work out how we wanted to parent so we could then apply that to day to day life.

But anyway as for discipline. I have a couple of quick recommendations from what works for us -
Firstly remember that kids learn by example so if you don't want them to hit, then don't hit. If you want them to stay calm during conflict then stay calm.
Secondly - Make sure your rules are based on logic. When they are testing your boundaries they are testing your logic. Keep your reasons and directions short (e.g. don't climb - it's dangerous!). And only stick to the rules that really matter - too many rules and they just switch off.
Thirdly - Know the realities of where they are at developmentally. Is it realistic to have them stuck in a pram for an hour while you shop? What can you do to make it more pleasant for them?
Fourthly - Stick to your guns. If you have made a logical decision then stick to it. You don't have to be the person who yells the loudest - you have to be the person who is the most stubborn.

I forgot to add that any consequences really should be related somehow to the action they are doing where possible. E.g. if they are throwing their toys, the toy is put away for a while. If they are climbing on the table, the get taken off, then moved away if they keep doing it. etc. That will help them see cause and effect relationships of their behaviour as adults as well. We only really use time-out for safety issues - e.g. if DS hits the dog he is removed for the dog's safety and DS is not allowed to play with him.
I hope this helps. We all have days when you feel like ripping your hair out. But providing kind, calm and respectful discipline at this age will help you build your relationship for the long run.

Disipline means "to teach". I think it's important to remember that considerate behaviour is something you teach. To punish your child for not yet knowing the social norms, or not yet having the control to follow them would not be appropriate teaching. Just remind her, but sometimes let it go. You can't reason with the unreasonable so giving a lecture in the middle of a meltdown wont be productive. I offer cuddles to help my son calm down then remind him what we are doing and continue on with it (ie. going in the pram to the car). You may need to cut your visits short as her attention span is short and you need to consider what is reasonable to expect of a 15 month old.

As for books I love:
Children are people too by Louise Porter- explains the perils of a rewards & punishments system and offers advice on how to guide your child's behaviour, develop their self esteem and also deal with specific situations eg. tantrum at the shops.

Toddler Tactics by Pinky McKay- a nice reminder of the world of toddler hood and what they are dealing with and what you can reasonably expect.

The secret of happy children by Steve Biddulph- actually I haven't read this but I recently went to the seminar on this book and I thought he had some good things to point out about how to deal with the toddler years and the importance of developing your child's sense of socially acceptable behaviour.

Hope that helps :D

wow thanks ladies the advice was awesome to say the least i have alot to work with thanks so much!!

subscribing, hugs to you PJ :)