grandparent vent and advice?

Hi all;
So I really really need to vent and some advice would be nice too!

its all about the in-laws.

This all started the other week when I made comment to DH that I am tired of the fact that we always make arrangements with his folks. We always ask them out to do stuff, we always include them in the things we are doing and not once do they turn around and do the same to us. On top of that, when they moved away from us, we got guilted into moving closer to them, then once we do and things arent turning out right job wise, we move away and the guilt starts again. So we move back and they havent even made an effort to include us in their lives!

Anyhow DH responds by saying well this is what has always been done, all parents take the kids to the grandparent houses, where we all sit, kids included and chat :rolleyes: , they have afternoon tea, then everyone goes home.... :rolleyes:

I just cant stand this, everyone sits and stares at the girls, makes comments about them like they are animals on show, its boring for me, let alone the girls. Miss M hides behinds us, she refuses to talk, and Miss H ends up in tears over people starting at her. Its just terrible.

Then on top of all this they complain that we havent kept them up to date with photos. They live 10kms away, we bought them a digital camera to use, they can take pics on their mobiles, well they do of everything else in this world, just not their grandkids. And Im the horrible person for not giving them photos.

Back to the first thing. During our conversation, I said to DH that it would be really nice if they rang up on their day off, and said "we are thinking of getting a coffee, how about we get one for you too, and we meet you at the park?" we'll even bring our camera and get some nice photos of the girls too!'
The next time DH talks to his mum he tells her how nice it would be to get a coffee and go to the park with them one day. The following day we get a phone call from MIL who says, "if you guys go to the park today, could you let us know?"

So in the end, I ended up organising it all, again. No independent thinking.

So they havent seen the girls in weeks and weeks, but the other day MIL says to DH that if want to go out sometime she'll babysit.... The problem is she doesnt even truely know the girls; she knows what they look like but doesnt have a real relationship with them.

Im so over being the one who organises everything for them to see the girls; but I dont like their expectations of what will happen, I want the girls to look forward to going to their GPs house rather than hating it because of how boring and intimidating it is.

I just dont know what to do anymore, I am holding so much remorse towards them for the expectations they have on us, yet they dont seem like they are prepared to reach out to us and offer anything real.

Im so over it all, and really this is just the top of the whole crap, but I need some other perspectives I think.

Sorry this is rather long, thanks for reading if you got this far,

Justine

:hug: it sounds really tough.

Do you have to go along to the boring afernoon teas? I know my family and inlaws like to have dd all to themselves sometimes. You might find the gparents are more foward if you're not there iykwim?

god, as if the kids would want to go there to be babysat.
we have a little bit of this problem with dp's mum, nowhere near the extent though, and i just sort of forced her to interact more with the kids.. if she didn't respond to the kids talking or playing with her, i'd call her on it. we now get along really well, and i try to involve her as much as possible, but unless it's a special occassion, it is always us going to her.
my family on the other hand is the complete opposite, i think my kids would rather be with my parents (and their partners), more than us!
maybe you should just let them know about your park trips, let them come, and 'make' them be involved, maybe then they will get there on their own... iykwim?

Thank you!
At the moment I cant even contemplate letting them have the girls without us. And to be honest I am so tired of inviting them to everything, getting them involved in the girls lives. Thats the problem. They just dont bother. Tomorrow should be interesting though, they both have the day off, and DH has the day off too.. So far we are planning a day out, like we do normally on DH's days off. But if they ring and want to invite us to do something then we will fit it in.
Oh I dont know :(

to offer another perspective maybe they just dont know what to do - it can be hard when you havent been around little kids much...
i am v lucky that both my mum and my ILs are great with the kids - but they did to different extents need to learn to be with young kids again after it being so long since we were little. maybe they allowyou to arrange things so they dont step on any toes or bc they dont know what to do? the good thing is that they do want to spend time with you all... so maybe some gentle guidnace will help them be more comfortable and it will grow from there? just some ideas...

I think i must of lucked out on the mil card.
My mum is worse than mil :lol: but then i think she's having herself a mid life crisis, she's been a gran for over 6 years, she was single for a long time, and will do things with the kids, but it's different with my kids than with my 6yo niece, she was much more involved with her iykwim.
My mil is an integration aid at a primary school and adores kids. My only reservation for her having the kids is a the house is rediculously dirty and she spoils them too much.

One thing I have noticed though is that mil spends more time with sil and her kids with that whole mother daughter bond thing going on, I don't think she wants to read on my toes.
My mum spends more time with my sisters kids than me, also because of a mother daughter bonding thing, 'cause i'm not a very sharing cuddly type person with my family.

given they are your inlaws, send oldest child with your dh by them selves, make it special. Find something one of the grandparents like to do that your dd could help with. eg: gardening - get some little gardening things and suggest she can help. it might be reading books, it might be something crafty, or it might just be shopping. If they play an instrument get a book of kids songs.
Get some special toys to leave at the GP's house

try quick drop ins dh could take a different child each time. DH and your oldest could drop in just for 5 minutes with a picture your dd has drawn for them.

If they garden, maybe send them a text message saying let us know if you will be out in the garden this weekend the girls would love that!

Sounds like my MiL. Never invites us to owt but todd afternoon tea, yet takes BiL, SiL and their VERY spoilt brats out all the time. FiL asked to see more of DS so PiL look after him one Tuesday afternoon a week - after SiL said MiL wasn't allowed to look after her children. MiL had Niece two days a week, but just one afternoon of DS is enough (actually, fair point, he is very active).

My parents would be very active with DS, but they live too far away. It has hurt DH so much that his parents ignore us, FiL is only interested in DS and not DH, BiL and his family are VERY rude yet get so much love... that HE is now ready to cut out all of his family, and the reason we are living near PiL is because DH is so clannish! He wants to move near to my parents, but needs a job near them.

I did get sick of making the effort when DS was smaller and they didn't see him for months at a time - but I did feel guilty doing that. I am not down at their level. I'm not far above it always, but I'm not quite down there.

GAWD! I would kill for a MIL like that. Every time we visit Melbourne she schedules us by saying "so and so are coming around on this day and want you there" it's not even a request but a demand. We spent 2 weeks there and she scheduled us for 5 days. In the end I said "sorry but I have plans, I was taking DD to see ->name here<- because they haven't even been able to meet her yet!

Have you tried asking if they'd organise once in a blue moon? Maybe they haven't even thought about it or don't want to intrude. Maybe suggest an afternoon tea in the park because your DDs prefer it outside?

BTW! How bloody stuffy afternoon tea and chat....