how do you feel?

Do you think relationships should require effort to work?

or do you think that if you are RIGHT for each other you should just be able to be yourself and go with the flow and you will be happy

for example... Things requiring effort....

You always worry about how you partner is feeling, not because you want to, but because you need to make sure they are happy, because they are high maitenience and them not being happy would result in a fight, argument, mind games etc....problems for you... Etc

Do you think if you have to constantly worry about another persons feelings, moods and possibly behaviour, then it's too much work, or effort. Or do you think that's normal?

I personally think that if you are 'soul mates' then you should be able to truly be yourself, express yourself, let your guard down, and be able to relax around that person, and have that excited butterfly feeling, that you always WANT them around etc I think you can disagree but also compromise without fighting, and belittling the other person....etc

am I unrealistic or do some of you actually have the perfect relationship that you dreamed of?

maybe I just didn't think about the bigger picture :o

if you feel you truly found true love, everlasting happiness and you are honestly without fighting and drama please put your hand up.....and add your opinion
And if not please also add your two cents :)

This has been playing on my mind for ages and I need to get this out

Thank you in advance ;)

I don't think true love, the kind I expected in my fairytale image of my life, should require so much work, worry etc.....

oh hun :hug:

Well, yes relationships require effort to work, but it shouldn't be hard work, all the time. There should be plenty of times where you're happy and enjoying yourself, and if you're worried about how your partner is feeling, I reckon it should be a genuine concern for their happiness and wellbeing, rather than because there will be repercussions otherwise, you know?

May the universe strike me down for saying this, but I don't really believe in soul mates. Or at least, I don't believe that it's necessarily your partner who is your soul mate. I have several people in my life and who've come and gone with whom I connect/ed on an incredibly deep level, and they're not M. I'm not saying I don't love him, he's my best friend, and we enjoy each other's company, and there's still a mutual attraction there, and we parent well together and I can see us growing old together... it's just 'soul mate' isn't how I'd describe our relationship.


It sounds like it's rough for you right now :hug: I hope things improve for you soon.

I am picking on a couple of things you're saying - about mind games and belittling the other person.
If there's too much of that going on, no one should have to put up with that or work through that alone.

Someone being a soul mate and having to maintain that relationship, well that does make sense to me.

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Well, yes relationships require effort to work, but it shouldn't be hard work, all the time. There should be plenty of times where you're happy and enjoying yourself, and if you're worried about how your partner is feeling, I reckon it should be a genuine concern for their happiness and wellbeing, rather than because there will be repercussions otherwise, you know?

May the universe strike me down for saying this, but I don't really believe in soul mates. Or at least, I don't believe that it's necessarily your partner who is your soul mate. I have several people in my life and who've come and gone with whom I connect/ed on an incredibly deep level, and they're not M. I'm not saying I don't love him, he's my best friend, and we enjoy each other's company, and there's still a mutual attraction there, and we parent well together and I can see us growing old together... it's just 'soul mate' isn't how I'd describe our relationship.


It sounds like it's rough for you right now :hug: I hope things improve for you soon.

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exactly what i would say, even down to the soul mate thing xoxo

i will compare my current relationship with the person i was with before DH, i was with this person for just over three years and we lived together and i guess if i hadnt woken up and realised what a jerk her was he would probablybe my DH now....scary thought!
With him, i was constantly having to alter the was i acted to make sure i kept him in a good mood, i worked out that in a stressfull or hard situation if i was calm and cool and happy he would really freak out and get angry and make my life impossible so i would pretend to freak out and get upset and then he would be the one being cooland calm and this in turn made my life easier as it removed the argument! thats just one example, but the whole relationship was like that, HARD WORK!! and looking back now realise how wrong we were for each other and now he is with a woman and they have just had a baby together and he looks happy so i guess he mustnt be like that with her, so i think the relationship must have been wrong for him too!

With DH, yes we have our moments and we fight a little, who doesnt, but it only ever last a little while, then we just look at each other and realise how silly we are being and have a cuddle! sometimes he goes for a drive and its over when he gets back. we still have to work at stuff, but we talk about what needs working on and do it together, we have a laugh and mostly live in a very happy loving environment. we were joking yesterday that we hadnt seen another person (other than DD) for about 3 days, since we moved out to the country side we dont get visitors, and were talking about if we minded and we both agreed that we loved it just being us! I love my DH and i really think we will be together for ever. :)

Sounds like your going through a bit of a rough patch, i hope you work it out, maybe try haveing a good talk with him, it would proabably help in the long run. hugs to you

I could apply this to my relationship, but it wasn't technically about me , it's sort of a general thing, A friend of mine is always on eggshells worried about his partner... And I just don't think its right, but I'm like that too sometimes...

I just wanted everyones opinion on what's too much, work? And whether other peoples relationships are like that or not?

I don't think they should require constant, day to day effort. But they certainly take a bit of work to get through the tough times.

DH & I have been together for almost 15 years... we are at a point now where we argue very rarely. I guess we've kind of worked out what is important to each other & how things work for us... when to stand & when to back down. Usually if it's important to one person to stand on something, the other can give a bit. It's give & take both ways.
BUT we have been through some immensely crappy times... really, really bad. And that is where the hard work was, to get through it & not walk away. On a couple of occasions we did walk away & then chose to come back & work at it. But that is what has got us here, where we are now.

If you are on eggshells with your partner day to day (not you, but 'you') I would ask if it is a phase... is there something going on that is making your partner tense or snappy. I have walked my fair share of eggshells over the years & now know when there's something going on. But if it's every day... is it just your partner? Can you live like that? Some people can.. they learn to switch of to the narkiness, roll their eyes & say "oh well, that's just him/her". For other people it eats away at their soul :(
Relationships DO require hard work. But they shouldn't chip away at you every. single. day., either.

I used to believe that a relationship should be just perfect without any work at all, because that was how my relationship with my ex started out. Of course we didn't really know each other (oh we thought we did!) and after 2 years it just sucked. We were still very romantic, and whenever we fought there would be this grand gesture and we'd be madly in love again. But, ugh, it was hard! I think we could possibly have worked it out, but it would always have been difficult. And I think I always would have resented having to work that hard to like the person I thought I was in love with.

Soooo, I made a list, lol. I did the 10 must have's and 10 cant stand's (I will be forever grateful to my ex for teaching me about some of my cant stand's!). And then I met my now DH, he checked every box and then some. We made sure we took it fairly slow, we spoke about our future early on, we knew what each other wanted. I told him I wouldn't marry anyone who hadn't seen me sick/angry/drunk/crying/screaming and still thought I was wonderful. I got food poisoning for 3 days and he had to clean out the buckets and put up with me whining, he told me it made him so happy cos he knew he was seeing me at my worst and he still loved me. To be honest - we don't fight. I know it's considered totally normal, but we just don't fight. We talk. We talk about some pretty potentially hurtful topics! But we always sit down and give each other our full attention and we won't get up until it's resolved and we're both happy (I had some superb screaming matches with my ex, and I was the master of walking out and slamming the door behind me!) I have never felt like I am not DH's number one priority, or that I have the capacity to make him far happier than anyone else ever could. Both those things are important to me.

For me, it was important to approach love clinically at first, to make sure he had the qualities that I needed, and that he appreciated what I could bring to the relationship. Once I was confident in that, how could we not be happy together?

I never used to believe in soulmates, but I've been delirously in love with my DH for 5 years now and I'm starting to think it might just be true :)

I'm with Kit.
My ex was depressed, and we were so in tune I was always aware of where he was at, always trying to pre-empt blow-outs (some times there was no way I could have seen them coming, but I was always on high alert). It was exhausting.
When Loverboy and I first got together (or even before we did) I sat him down and said 'this is who I am, this is what I've come from and this is what I will never go back to ever again'. He's so laid back he didn't even flinch, just said "ok, wanna go to the zoo?" and we've been happily together ever since.
I adore my man, but even on the days when I'm feeling less than effusive I still admire, respect and genuinely like him. I want him to be happy just because I do, not because my life would be harder if he wasn't.
We care for each other, look out for each other, do things to make each other's lives easier, but it's not hard work.

not 100% sure how i feel, well, how to sum it up into words, but ill try to give you a idea.
i feel that i always have to ask df when it comes to the kisd, he is always telling me, just go they will be fine. i think it has a lot to do with he has always had to look after the younger siblings for his parents since he was 12, so i feel bad leving him with our own kids. im getting better, i still let him know if im going to the shop and if the kids are coming or not, but dont "request permission" as such to leave them behind, if that makes sence?
we do worry about each others feelings, but not to the point of excess, its more he tries to make sure i dont stress out to much, and i try make sure he dosent get to angry or worked up about his parents. so its kind of a 2 way effor to make sure we are in the best mood for each other.
we dont "argue" or fight, we have dissagreements, or tell eachother off, but always end up turning it into a joke, so its like we never realy fight, we do get ****t with each other, but have klearnet to snap out of it realy quickly.
i think its normal to want the one you love to be happy, and yes some relationships do take effort, while some dont. others learn to help eachother so things get easier to deal with, if any of that has made sece at all?

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For other people it eats away at their soul :(
Relationships DO require hard work. But they shouldn't chip away at you every. single. day., either.

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very well said :) The soul eating part, is so true. I hate the constant effort and sometimes I feel like it's slowly killing the happy person I want to be, should be etc.

:hug: :hug:

Our relationship is far from perfect, we disagree and fight, but we are free to be ourselves, there is no pretending, no eggshell walking.
All relationships take work and I think the amount of work that you find acceptable is a really personal thing.

Maybe I'd be considered high maintenance by one guy but low in another's eyes itms?

Me? I'm not that tolerant so could never have dated a guy that was hard work.

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I don't think they should require constant, day to day effort. But they certainly take a bit of work to get through the tough times.

DH & I have been together for almost 15 years... we are at a point now where we argue very rarely. I guess we've kind of worked out what is important to each other & how things work for us... when to stand & when to back down. Usually if it's important to one person to stand on something, the other can give a bit. It's give & take both ways.

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I totally agree with what Fleur says. I'm not married but me and DF have been together and living together for 7yrs now. I was fairly young when we first started out and had some really silly ideas of how things were 'meant to be' that caused a lot of friction in our relationship. It just wasn't what I expected......luckily coz now I know I ended up with something better :)

Maybe you could take a step back and really look at whether your ideas and expectations are realistic and fair. If you think they are then by all means NO it shouldn't be HARD work, but it certainly does take effort and a bit of soul searching when things get rocky.

One other thing. I think a lot of how we act in our relationships is learned behaviour. I have baggage from my mother being slightly nuerotic and talking down to me about my father as a child. I didn't realise it untill I took the step back and really looked at what I was doing....and holey crap it scared the hell outta me to think that I was doing the same thing at such an early age. My question being...Has he had an experience in a past relationship either with a partner or from his parents relationship that could be colouring his actions in yours? Maybe some insecurities of his that are affecting the relationship?