Advice for friend - how do you cope?

Heydehey.

Wondering if you can assist at all :)

My dear friend seperated from her partner almost 3 years ago now. She has custody of their daughter, and he has started with o/night visits about 6 months ago (I think? maybe less?)

He's a right twit. If there's any chance to try to take money off her, he will. Latest example is where a court thing was scheduled and she couldn't make it, her lawyer gave his lawyer 2 weeks notice and he tried to claim that she hadn't given notice, the judge threw it out so he's persuing her in the civil courts. She sent her daughter to visit him on a hot day in a thin dress, (Friday) and on Sunday she returned still wearing the same dress & undies. Filthy, to say the least. And in that time the weather had turned and dropped by about 10-15degrees. This week she came home with bad sunburn.

Now my friend is going through the legalese for it all, but I have to ask - as I see her getting more and more upset - how do you you cope? How do you manage to survive and not become a total mess? How do you keep your mental resilience?

That's all I'm after ... how to help her keep her mental resilience. Cause his games are really mucking with her head.

I don't have any real advice, sorry, it sounds like a right mess and the sooner she can get it sorted through the necessary channels, the better. Your poor friend. :hug:

Oh geez.. that sucks... to put it mildly. Why do people do that :wall:

I don't know Kaz, if anything is going to mess with your head it would be seeing a partner you once loved hurting you through your child :(
Remind her that she is the constant in her daughter's life. She is where her little girl comes home to, and spends most of her time. Kids are resilient, and although no child should have to go through this, having a stable loving home to live in will be the difference.
I don't have any more to offer than that, it's an awful situation to be in, big hugs to your friend :hug:

Kaz, this is really really hard. How old is the little one?

I used to go through the same thing with DD when I first left her dad. Actually, it went on for a few years (coupled with threats of taking her from me ((fat chance)), never a cent in child support etc etc).

She was 3 when I left so daddy was still "god". She is 9 now and hates him :( I never wanted her to hate him, but hey it's only through his own actions that she feels that way. She used to come home in the same clothes too (even though I packed more than enough for her every time, and half of that never came home).

He has backed off now, she only sees him a couple of times a year. But that took a few years, and she tells him herself now that she does not want to come over. It's been about 3 years since she slept at his house.

Unfortunately, even though I have been through it, I really don;t have any advice other than to reassure the little one that mummy loves her and is always there for her, and to get herself a good bottle of wine on the nights that DD is away. I would do that, and have a cry, let it all out while she was gone. It's agony to know they are not being taken care of properly :(

Huge huge huge hugs to your friend. Eventually the little one will realise what is going on (unfortunately).

Aaaaah the only answer to this is detatchment.

It sucks. It riles you but you have to get to a point where it plays out in front of you & you don't try & make sense of it. Because it's not posible to make sense of it.

My ex does this type of thing ALL the time. He doesn't have them overnight any more (he's too busy with the step sons... course he is!) he only has them 4 hours a week... BUT it's enough to be a twat...

She just has to let go. It's wrong she is not in clean clothes - but trying to prove that is going to cause more pain and heartache for the child. I would say... let it go. Dress her, pack her clothes, talk about the fun she's going to have with Daddy & love her when she gets home. As long as she is SAFE. Physically & emotionally let go...

That is the hardest thing for a mum to do but it is the best thing for the Mum & the child... xxx

She gets the needing to let go, and picking up the pieces when DD gets back, it's more that ... how does she, herself, stay sane? She's been to 2 psychs - one saw her 3 times and said there was nothing to do for her depression, and the other one she's seen twice now just says she needs to do something with the ex.

How does she "let go" Inanna? Is there anything that works for you, anything I can pass on to her (other than joining BB) to help her attain the peace she needs?

To keep her own sanity, I'd suggest:
1) get a decent psychologist
2) exercise, especially something like yoga or tai chi for being calm. Running or boxing to release tension and get endorphins going.
3) meditation. You can download some good ones as podcasts on itunes. Oasis meditation have one called "letting go". You only need 20-30 min and it can really help.
4) journalling. Writing it out helps, whether in an exercise book or a blog.
5) i suggest she documents everything that happens with her DD for the ongoing legal fight.
6) healthy eating. Good food helps provide the inner resources to keep going when your down. A good probiotic can work wonders. Lots of water to flush toxins away.
7) massage/ acupuncture/ reiki can all help her let go of inner toxins. The emotional pain poisons the body, so it's good to get it out.
8) talking. Nothing beats a friendly ear from someone who actively listens without interrupting or trying to 'fix' it. A good friend or counsellor is essential.
9) fresh air and sunlight. Combine with exercise by going for a walk, preferably in nature. Sit down by some water and let the tension go. Take up gardening.
10) sleep. Get to bed early. Switch off all tvs/ computers/ phones etc an hour before bed. Turn down the lights. Put some soft music on. Have a bath with lavendar oil or something else that soothes. Roll into clean sheets. Tense and relax each muscle from your toes to your eyelids.
11) naturopathy or homeopathy. Even just some rescue remedy throughout the day as required.
12) when all else fails, chocolate and red wine!

These are all little things that can help her get through the rough times.

It's great you're looking out for your friend. Invite her to join BB if you think it may help her.

I agree with Tash about documenting everything; it could serve a double purpose for her. Firstly it's going to help in her legal battle, but she could also use it symbolically. So, her daughter gets home sunburnt and in the same clothes she left in - your friend writes it all in the book and views it as wiping her mind clean. The book takes it out of her head, so it can't be dwelt on anymore; a physical act of separation.

Or do I need some more/less meds?

it seems to me, the parents that stoop to these games/irresponsible behaviour - are not the kind of people you can reason with.

i spent a number of years trying to "pick up the pieces" for my stepchild - whose mother sent her to her dad and me, in clothes 4 sizes too small, for the wrong weather - we would return her in correct size, correct season clothing, (which we would never see again). So many examples of irresponsible parenting we witnessed (and rectified in the time we had the child with us), but the knowledge that her fulltime parent, was so irresponsible, was a real knife to the heart. Holding her as she described the horrible things her mother put her thru - knowing there was nothing to be done legally.

it seems to take the death of a child, before authorities take any notice. Everything else, all the things your friend notices, seems to fall into a "gray area", that authorities won't take seriously.

i personally think, not putting sunscreen on a child, so that a child gets sunburnt - that IS a safety matter.

i feel great sympathy for your friend, i remember how upset i was, about what wash happening to my stepchild.

Now i'm separated, and i don't know WHAT i would do, if my ex didn't agree with me, on matters such as sun protection. I know that's a trivial thing, when some people have to put up with their drugged ex-es driving with the children in the car etc - or drugged and out to it, when the child needs them in the night.

"keeping things amicable" seems a bit laughable, "for the children".
the two people are no longer together, cos they don't get on.
it seems pretty opposite, to see those same two people miraculously getting along, just because kids are involved. a complete backflip.
but it's what the authorities assume is the case

i hear of so many cases, where very unfit parents, get to have a certain percentage of time with their children, not based on how fit they are to parent, but just for the mathematics of making things seem "fair".

i do not think this way of doing things, is to the betterment of children's safety and well being.

When the kids are with me they are my responsibility and XH has no input. When the kids are with XH they are his responsibility and I have no input.

I see my non-kid time as me-time. Time to recharge batteries. I can't control what goes on in his time even though he has been convicted of assaulting our DS2. I just have to pick up the pieces when they return. And I do.

What happens at his house stays at his house. What happens at my house stays at my house.

:

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She gets the needing to let go, and picking up the pieces when DD gets back, it's more that ... how does she, herself, stay sane? She's been to 2 psychs - one saw her 3 times and said there was nothing to do for her depression, and the other one she's seen twice now just says she needs to do something with the ex.

How does she "let go" Inanna? Is there anything that works for you, anything I can pass on to her (other than joining BB) to help her attain the peace she needs?

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Just on this point, find another pych or counsellor! It is not about "doing something with the ex" its about learning to cope/deal with the ex. He will always be there and he will probably always be the way he is unless something dramatic changes, she needs to find someone (and they do exist) that recognises the difference between dealing with an ex and living with the fact that this is the way it is and helping her to live with that...

gosh does that make sense? I hope so.