Controversial thread : Sex after baby

OK, this post stemmed from a conversation with my mum this morning - it is NOT related to or inspired by any particular thread in BB. So here goes.

Given that psychologists tend to agree that a healthy, loving relationship between the parents is one of the best things you can give a child, I think women should make more effort to have sex with their partners after their baby is born. Men almost universally need/want to have sex with their partner/wife.

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Now I KNOW there can be issues which are physically related to birth which can make it painful or impossible, and sometimes women find themselves trapped with men who are utter pigs who don't deserve them or their lovely children, and sometimes relationship troubles that were there pre-baby can be magnified, and sometimes sex is out-of-bounds during pregnancy, and sometimes we feel fat or unattractive and yes we are all tired after we have a baby.

But really girls, it was sex that got us here in the first place. And so many times I hear of women saying it has been no sex since week 20 of pregnancy and baby is now 4 moths old, or that their baby is 6 months and there has still been no action, or that it has been a year since they have had sex with their partner.

This is a real relationship risk. If you love your man, have sex with him for the sake of your relationship AND your child's long-term well being. Your kids will thank you for it in the long run (even though the very concept of parents having sex will gross them out).

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Disclaimer: No, this has not been written by a man masquerading as Roryrory. I am a feminist who believes no woman should have sex with a man against her will. But sometimes you can actually talk yourself into being interested, even if you are tired. Sex starts in the mind for women. Give it a go.

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Over to you ladies....

I agree.

I think men need sex the same way we need affection. We often get the affection and neglect to give out the sex.

Put out, ladies :D.

i agree with it causing cracks in the relationship and i have made a conscious decision to try more after we have moved into our new place properly i have noticed that DH is a lot less moody and stressed afterwards

I actually agree with you.

Even though we have had issues, I have a great DH, and although it isn't always easy to fit it in, it is not because of the kids making me tired, he is a shiftworker with the most annoying shifts that change all the time.

i agree this could be a very controversial topic.
DH and I resumed our normal relationship at about 4 weeks post birth. the frequency comes and goes depending on what is happening in our lives, but it always has - it's not about baby, it's just about life. We make a concerted effort to try and reconnect when it's been "too long" (for us, too long is a week - for others, it will be less, some more).

i tend to think the more you have, the more you want. and when you haven't had it for ages, you tend to just get 'meh' about that aspect of your relationship.

DH has heard, more than once, i'm not REALLY in the mood, but i want to be there for you, so lets start, and see what happens. We have agreed that if it gets to a point that one of us just isn't in it at all, we call it quits, but more often than not, when we make the effort, both of us end up getting into it and having fun.... I don't always O when we have this kind of thing happening, but i still enjoy it - as soon as it's not enjoyable, it's all over

I think its really important to remember that a relationship in its entirity takes work.
At the beginning of a relationship or if people marry, they commit to this work, to making the relationship work
But sometimes, along the way, especially in the sleep deprived haze of a young family, both partners forget about this committment and expect things just to "be" good without work from either side.
Sex is part of a relationship and I think it needs work. This includes kind touch, doing housework (all part of foreplay in my opinion) and trying to work it into busy, sleep deprived lives.
And it probably means not getting into the "who has time/energy/desire for sex" talk with people, which is a great way of normalising not putting in the effort.

I also think having sex is the best way to increase libido. Just as for most babies sleep begets more sleep, for most couples sex (especially good sex) begets more sex.

The committment has to go both ways. The person (not always male) in the relationship with a higher libido, should commit to working on other areas, which are often doing more around the house, giving their partner naps etc.

Also as a relationship ages, sex often becomes a little old, so sometimes injecting something new and exciting is a great way to make it interesting again.

Of course, these issues are always easy to talk/think about and often less easy to act on.

Thanks for joining with me in this "community service announcement" girls :)

I agree :)

A relationship without intimacy is sad one indeed if you ask me.

I think that just like parenthood, people are all different in their own relationships and have to work out their own boundaries and what works for them. I don't think that blanket rules can apply to everyone and every relationship.

To be honest, I actually don't buy the whole 'men need to have sex' I agree that most want to, but I don't think they need to. I think we bring men up in a culture with an idea that they have a higher sex drive and we tell them how they should be about sex and I think we predispose their minds to work like that and tell them its okay by stereoptying them to think that all they think about is sex. I think society educates them to the point that they think they have no self control when it comes to sex and a lot end up viewing women as sex on a stick. RR - I don't think this is what you are encouraging in your post at all and I don't believe that you think like this, but it is an observation of the way that society works. My family is very misogynistic and my brothers have been brought up to think like this and even mum tries to influence me to think like that.

I think sex can be very liberating for women - owning and enjoying your own sex life can be very powerful. I think this whole issue really needs to be about women having sex after a baby because they want to, because they are liberated to and being very careful that they aren't doing it because there is pressure to conform to societal norms of being a 'good wife/partner'. It also comes down a lot to the trust and respect in that relationship. I feel very safe with my DH because he is considerate, he is aware of me, we talk about sex and I know that anytime that I want to stop, or I feel uncomfortable, I can. I don't know that all women feel like that in their relationships and that is why I think the rules for different relationships have to be different and people have to work out what they are comfortable with.

Having said all that, for me personally - sex has always been an important part of my relationship with my DH. We talk about it a lot and he never pressures me into anything - though he does let me know in a respectful way that he wants to have sex again after we have had a baby. After our first baby, we waited 6 weeks. I had second degree tearing and I was quite traumatised by the whole birth. It was scary having sex again and although I wanted to, my body tensed up in fear. Together we worked it out, but it did take a lot of patience on his part. I can understand that not all partners would be that patient and it could be very scary for some women.

My last 3 births (one vaginal with no tearing and 2 c/sections) we have waited a lot less time. We have always had a very active sex life though and that has not changed after we had babies.

I do see your point Rory and I think on many levels it is a valid one but I also think there are lots of other factors that have to be taken into consideration. I often read threads about couple who don't have sex for a really long time and wonder how they do it but like parenting, every family is different and what works for one works differently for another because we are all working with different personalities and issues.

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I think this whole issue really needs to be about women having sex after a baby because they want to, because they are liberated to and being very careful that they aren't doing it because there is pressure to conform to societal norms of being a 'good wife/partner'. It also comes down a lot to the trust and respect in that relationship.

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Totally agree :)

And like you say, other factors do need to be taken into account. The flip side of your comment above about socialisation of men to want sex is the "social script" many women read from post-baby which says "I feel like I have been touched-out/emotionally drained by having the baby with me all day, he doesn't understand how tired I get, I need to "put baby first" above everything else" and so on. These may all be valid points in any given point in time, but I really want women to think about these issues before they start letting a good thing go....

I absolutely agree with you, Rory. I think it's great that you've brought this subject up!
Just subbing for now as I'm trying to study ;) But will bbl as I have not just 2, but 20 cents to add to this discussion ;)

I agree with all of the above.

I think women need initiate more too :) Men love it, well mine does. It doesnt feel so one sided.

We all understand if there are issues during or after pregnancy, but sex doesnt always mean sexual intercourse. It can be other things such as oral :) or giving a 'helping hand' ;) relieve the frustration, if you physically able to :)

Thats just my 2 cents, but whatever works for you :)

Rory, I totally agree that maintaining your relationship as a couple is hugely important. And not to mention pretty tough in those first weeks and months with a new baby!! But I think there are some very valid reasons why sex can take a long time to be something that a mum, and at times a dad, can be comfortable with. I think rather than feeling the pressure to have sex, couples can boost their relationship by exploring other ways of being intimate - good communication, nurturing, sensual but not sexual experiences. This can really boost a relationship as couples get to know each other in new ways and learn to please each other without sex.

I love the book "The post-baby conversation".

I completely agree!!!!

I wasn't one to stop having sex while I was pg, we had it right up until the day I went into labour, and we had our first time after bubs 6 weeks after birth.
For me, I needed it, I needed the intimacy, the closeness and the feeling that I was still loved and wanted by my husband even when I was feeling so fat, frumpy and gross. I know that 6 weeks for him was hard too!
I found that when we weren't having sex for that 6 weeks, we also hugged less, kissed less and snuggled less, don't know if that was because of baby being born or because we just didn't feel as close.

sex is not just physical for both males and females, it's the most intimate and close a couple can get, it is soo important to have it in your relationship to have it healthY!

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Totally agree :)

And like you say, other factors do need to be taken into account. The flip side of your comment above about socialisation of men to want sex is the "social script" many women read from post-baby which says "I feel like I have been touched-out/emotionally drained by having the baby with me all day, he doesn't understand how tired I get, I need to "put baby first" above everything else" and so on. These may all be valid points in any given point in time, but I really want women to think about these issues before they start letting a good thing go....

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RR, I am so glad you didn't take my post the wrong way ... I was worried :)

I agree with you, I think women are often steotyped, the same way that men are, into thinking about sex in a certain way. There are a lot of stereotypes that say 'men should chase women for sex and women should be chased'. Not all relationships are like that, but it is there - portrayed in the media, movies all of that kind of thing that tell women not to be interested in sex because it is not very feminine. I also think women are also stereotyped into the idea of being a 'good mum/parent' and often that does translate to giving everything to your baby and not having emotional/physical energy left for your partner.

I think it is good to send the message that it is okay to make time/effort to put into resuming a healthy sex life.

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I also think women are also stereotyped into the idea of being a 'good mum/parent' and often that does translate to giving everything to your baby and not having emotional/physical energy left for your partner.

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Yes that is exactly what I was getting at :)

Glad you all know where I am coming from :)

Wonderful thread RR!
It's a two way street. Yes we have needs, we also have wants and in the bedroom this needs to be very clear.
It's also important to remember that sex isn't about just the penetration, it comes in many shapes and forms and that can be a great way for both partners in the early days after giving birth to get back into the swing of things.
It's something I have been thinking about alot, as I have been tired and I know my DH has wanted to do the DTD, it has been me saying " no, I am too tired" even though the "dreams" have been there, and he really has been patient.
It's all about the respect part of a relationship.

Again, this really is a wonderful thread!!

ETA: Anyone watch Modern Family? They are covering alot of sex in the bedroom with kids in the house at the moment :lol:

Both DH and I agree this is a fantastic thread.

I dont read much of these forums to him but I just had to read him this one.

I dont have much more to add really but I totally agree rr.

DH and I often dont have sex for long periods of time and its mostly me. I just get so tired..... what a lame excuse. We talked about it recently when things got really tough on our relationship and agree we both needed to make more of an effort.

GREAT THREAD