Does it ever get better?

Its been 5 months since I lost my JellyBean and I feel like the grief and anxiety is getting worse. I started crying during my second period class this morning (I'm a teacher) and have had to come home from work. I know the way I'm feeling isnt normal but I cant seem to get past my loss. The problem is that I want my baby back, not another baby, my baby that I already loved and had plans for. I know this cant happen, but I cant seem to switch off those thoughts. I should be starting maternity leave in 3 weeks. I should be HUGE, I should have a nursery set up, ds should have moved to his big boy bed...

Some of the people in my life seem to think I should be over it, that other people that had losses are over it and that I am being selfish and ruining their ability to celebrate their own pregnancies. I have never spoken about my mc with them and have only expressed my joy for them, but they keep being horrible. They also express the view that such an early loss (baby died at 8w, discovered at 10w followed by dc) does not count as a real loss :(

My husband doesnt really understand, though he tries and my mum just worries about me so I dont feel like I can talk about it. I have some lovely friends who listen, but I feel like its all I ever talk about...

I have been diagnosed with coeliac disease which they think may have caused my mc. I am seeing a herbalist who is trying to heal my body but has told me I cannot ttc whilst under her initial treatment (at least 3 months). I'm just a mess and feel like I have no hope of ever becoming pregant , no hope of anything...my beautiful ds is all that is keeping me going and I feel very anxious when we are not togther. I just want to stay at home with him, but I have to work

I know this proably makes no sense, but Im just feeling so lost and like my life will never get any better...please tell me it will.

:hug: I think it does get better sweetheart but it will take time :hug:

I'm reading a great book at the moment called Small Miracles. It's helping me see that I am completely normal for feeling the way I do about my own loss. It talks about grieving for the person that you will never know, a relationship that ended before it began, that grief is the natural response to any loss. So what you are feeling is real.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling such a sense of grief. A loss at any time is just a great a loss as any other. Each person deals with this in their own way and in their own time. There is no timeframe for when things will get easier. Are you having any counselling? I know it's not for everyone but after we lost our little angel I asked for a social worker at the hospital and then when I got out of hospital she referred me onto a counsellor who I still see to this day. I was seeing her weekly but now I just catch up for a chat here and there. She worked with me (and in some sessions my DH too) to make my life more manageable.

I'm so glad that you have your DH trying to help and some close friends who seem able to listen and offer support. Take all the time in the world to heal......I'm sorry for your little Jellybean couldn't stay.

Oh sweet, my heart aches for you. This has been such a difficult journey. I don't know when it gets better. Grief has no time limit, and there are no shortcuts. You have every right to grieve and want your baby back. You are also grieving the loss of all the plans and dreams you had for your child. You do not have to justify your grief or feelings of loss to anyone else. It is your journey, and your right to feel however you do. You are being genuine to your feelings. Sending love and hugs. I wish there was more I could do.

Thanks girls.

Aussiegirl - I have seen a psychologist who has been good, she thinks my grief is perfectly normal and my anxiety comes from fearfulness.

CM- thanks, I'm going to look for that book, it sounds like just what I need.

Ash - thanks, your words mean so much xo

:hug: I dont have much to say except I know exactly how you feel. I have days where it just sits on my chest, a huge reminder of what I want and dont have. I think its ridiculous for people to think a first trimester loss is "less" than a later loss. Yes there are different facets but in the end grief works the same for everyone, and miscarriage at any stage is a very physical thing, you cant just run away from it. Its painful, fearful, all consuming, sometimes even invading.

It's written by Rachel Stanfield-Porter with The Bonnie Babes Foundation. I felt like I was being dramatic & emotional, like I didn't have the right to be so upset & angry. Now that I'm reading this book I feel normal. I'm still grieving & will continue to for some time & that's okay.

Surround yourself with those that understand you hun :hug: you don't need the extra heartache of having to justify your pain.

My DP and I also had a silent miscarriage early on, and it truly devastated us. We grieved in very different ways, with DP trying to be the solid rock that he thought I needed. I couldn't even look in the mirror and see the failure that I felt I was. My mum was also worried about me. Ive become quite at peace with the whole 'blame' thing now.
For me, time is the ultimate healer, but more importantly its what you do with that time that will make it easier for your heart to move through this. Not get over, but get through.
I'd love to sit here and say "it will all be fine" but in my reality, I still think of my angel Sunny, and its been 108 weeks and two pregnancies later. I still grieve. I grieve alone mostly (my DP knows my triggers and when the waterworks might start) and in private. When I lost our Sunny, I felt very cheated of life. I would also think "I'd be this far along, i'd be this big, i'd be doing this". It didnt help that one of my closest GF's was due the week before me, I completely and sadly shut her from my life, until I got pregnant again. Im very lucky that she understood.
Im also an early childhood teacher, and I couldn't handle watching LO's make cute Easter treats etc for their own families, i'd think while watching them, "Sunny should be doing this for me one day, but never will now".

I suppose in my post im trying to say, you're are not and never will be alone in this journey. Grief can last a lifetime or a short time, both are fine and both are normal.
I feel exactly what you're saying, but I won't promise anything, I just want you to have hope.

xx

I just wanted to come in a give you huge hugs and echo the sentiment of the OP's. I still grieve for all my angels, albeit a little differently to when I first lost each of them but I still think about what could have been. Some days are harder than others. x

Just wanted to give you massive hugs. I know exactly how you feel, and it is terrible. Every time I think Im really over it, I have some set back. Just today I cried in public because I heard a lady say she was due in August. It hit me like a ton of bricks. We cant ttc until another 2 months because of the issues my Dr found and its killing me, feels like it will never happen.

If you are feeling ok most of the time and just have grief setbacks, then I think you are fine. Its totally normal, and I dont think you should ever feel like your loss is any less valid because it was in the first trimester. Hugs again.

big hugs to you, im so sorry for your loss. i've suffered an early loss and a late loss, and i think any loss is a baby lost, it's still hard.

im only 3 weeks into my grief, but i hope things start getting easier for you. I'm also going to look at getting that book and having a read.

How are you going Amaunet?

You are entitled to grieve, and to grieve at your own pace. I am sorry there are insensitive people around you, who are making you feel like the opposite is true. Newsflash to them, it's not THEIR grief, it's YOURS.

RIP to your precious little Jellybean.