Time to man up?

DS2 is 3 going on 4. A small boy in bottom 10% for his age but very intellegent. He is a funny happy child stil prone to tantrums and learning to "use his words" to get what he wants/ needs. He is a very picky and slow eater. I suspect this is partly a control thing for him. As a baby he wouldnt let me spoon feed him just wanted to do it all himself. How ever through time spent with MIL he now likes to be spoon fed. I think this is why he is getting slower at eating so we feed him if we need to go some where, or the kindy teachers will feed him as they need to finish up lunch.
My MIL completely babys him. feeds him baby food, carries him everywhere, spoils him and gives him whatever he wants. So I have tried to limit how much time we spend with her- without depiving the kids of their grandma.
He has been toilet trained for over 1 year and at kindy he is fine, will have 2 hour sleep without wetting his bed or himself however at home we can go through 3-6 pairs of pants a day and if he has a sleep I have to put a pull up on him. He stil has a pull up at night.
DS1 and him sare a room but have their own beds. Most nights he is the last 1 asleep as he needs mummy to go to sleep and I really dont have the time or patience to lie in bed with him for hours waiting for him to fall asleep
He asks for bottles of his sisters milk, insists he is still a baby, wants to be little/ small/ skinny etc because its cute.
He generally drives me (dh doesnt seem to get days off) crazy with his babyness/ wanting to be baby.
It has been a huge year for our family. Moving into our own home. having another baby, daddy being in hospital for a month, lots of people staying with us, but life has always been a bit, umm ,eventful for our family.

So, the long and the short of it is. I want to encourage DS2 to "grow up". I want to get across to him that being a baby isnt so great and its time to start becoming a strong smart little man.
I have had numerous talks with him about this, and we talk about all the things kids can do that babys cant etc and for a few hours he likes the idea but then goes back to clingy baby. His idea of himself and how he wants to be is very set.
Help me please before I pull out all my hair :lol:

Keep up the talking, it sounds like you are making an impact. You might also need to get DH and MIL on board so that they can say the same thing. Even his kindy teacher?
I've seen books about things 'big boys' can do that babies can't, supposed to be for just that. Not sure of titles though - is it worth checking out your library?
Some sort of rewards chart - stickers etc for doing all his 'big boy' things - going to the toilet, eating dinner without being spoon fed etc
Also, can you praise up DS1 for being a big boy when DS2 is around? This is an awesome 'teacher tool' when you want to encourage good behaviour in others. Totally ignore the baby things he does (when you can) but focus on every little big boy thing he or DS1 (friends, school friends etc) does and praise, praise, praise! e.g. "I'm so glad you're a big boy who can help Mummy...." or "Wow DS1, did you write/draw/do that? You are such a strong, smart little man!" or "I love the way you're eating on your own/going to the toilet/walking next to Mummy" etc

Thanks. I will focus more on what he is doing.
I have asked dh to talk to MIL but she will never be on board- activly works against us for the most part with a lot of things. She is clinginf to the 1 grandchild she can, DS1 can see her for what she is and hates all her fussing and other stuff LOL DD is too young and will never be left with MIL if I can help it.

Sounds like you have to limit the contact with MIL even more if she won't change, as her behaviour with him will be holding him back. Keep encouraging him to be a big boy like his brother and talking to the kinder so everyone is on the same page.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing to me. Talk to your MIL. And if she won't listen to you, then don't leave the children in her care. Only let her see them when you're with them. Insist she treat them how you want them to be treated. They are your children and it is your right to parent them how you see is appropriate.

As for what to do with your DS2, I would just be consistent. My DS1 has gone through a bit of a baby stage, wanting to be picked up and carried around, wanting a dummy again after over a year of not having one...things like that, but I just don't do it. If he want's me to pick him up I will get down and hug him while he stands on the floor. Or say 'No you're too heavy for mummy to carry now, you're such a big boy now, you need to walk, you can hold my hand though'.

It might take some insisting that he do things the way you want him to, especially with all of the changes you have mentioned. He is still young and changes are tought to deal with at our ages, let alone when you don't totally get what is going on and why. Be patient, explain on his level why he needs to do what you want him to and why, and (again!) just be consistent. If eh wets himslef, get him to change himself and clean up (within his limitations of course!). If he won't eat his food on his own, he goes hungry (oh the dramas we have with dinner times with DS1 in our house!) trust me though, he most likely won't starve and will soon get the picture. If you don't want to be laying with him to go to sleep, don't. Limit it, maybe reading stories, then lights out sing a few songs or something, and mummy leaves. Do what suits you. He will change, but it will take time and probably some resistance (read tears and tantys) from him.

Try to get him to do things big boys do with you, like help with house work, or with tending to bub, getting nappies, or her blankies or things like that. Make it fun to be a big boy! But also have some time to snuggle and let him be a little boy too, so maybe when bub is asleep, snuggle together on the lounge and read some stories, or just hold him and sing songs or somethingl ike that. My DS1 loves to sit in his rocking chair with me, snuggle into my shoulder and listen to me sing lullabys I used to sing him when he was a baby. I think he hears me sing to his baby brother and likes to think he's a baby too. I don't mind this especially at bed time or quiet time during the day. To spend 5mins doing that helps him deal with the rest of the day like a big boy. Though he still has mega meltdowns and tantys having snuggles helps too!

Thats exactly what I have felt, we just make some progress with DS2 then along comes MIL and we take 3 steps backwards. I will talk to dh again and ask him again to talk with his mum. Its a bit of a cultral thing to not challenge your parents though and she is always complaining I am rude to her. I must make more effort to learn the language so I can atleast say what I want in a better way.
Extra cuddle time would probably do both the boys good

I used to live in East Asia and I found the way they treat kids really strange back then. Now I must admit I'm coming round to the 'just let them be kids' approach.
Still, it's always good to have some boundaries and obviously you need to be more or less on the same page.

My DS is the same age and doesn't get this from his grandparents, but he still wants to be a baby at times. This sort of baby play is totally normal at this age and regressions are to be expected particularly when kids experience big upheavals at home - it's often a sign that they need a bit more reassurance and security. Trying to force him to 'grow up' might actually make this worse.

I appreciate there are cultural differences between you adn your MIL (there's a nice extra layer of complexity for your relationship :)) and that's probably a more general issue to be sorted out between you.

Perhaps your right, perhaps I should just take a breathe and chill out. Maybe when we chill out he will too.- that approach sure has worked well with his eating for the most part, now he eats as much as a mouse which is better then before :lol:
So I'll focus on the good stuff, the big boy stuff, give extra cuddles, spend some time with just 1 of the boys each day and hope they both start to feel better and DS2 grows out of this "phase"
Yeah I could write a book on the issues with my MIL and probably her on me but then alot of relationships with family are like that hey!

Thanks ladies