Terrific Fear of Birth! Possibly upsetting. It is for me.
This is my third pg and birth. And I am terrified of the upcoming birth. I don't know if this is a normal or rational fear or not. I think maybe it is a contributing factor to my lack of attendance to medical appointments for this pg (coupled with lack of confidence in my carers). I don't know if this thread is just me needing to get this fear out of my mind (if possible!), or if anyone can offer any help.
My first two births were both "normal", each with only gas as pain relief. I think I asked for an epidural *very* late in the game. And death. I hated it. Both times. Fantastic. Now I am crying. The first labour was long (about twenty six hours), and my waters had to be broken. I was sure that I fainted when they did it, but the mw's and the Man were and are adamant that I did not faint. I had one or two internal tears I think, which needed a few stitches. I was given a local anesthetic for that, and didn't feel the stitches. But sure as hell felt the needle for the anesthetic! A couple of days after the birth, I was given a cannula as they thought I had endometriosis (sp). It made me mad, and the dr and mw's made me see the social worker "before I was allowed to leave the hospital". They accused me of not wanting my baby, because I could not pick her up with this "thing" in my arm. They made me have a drip, when I could have just had a tablet.
The second labour, was fairly short (about seven and a half hours, most of which I did at home, I was only in the birthing suite fifteen minutes before DS was born). My waters broke while I was sitting on the loo in the birthing suite (because it was the most comfortable place to be!), and I panicked, because I still believed that I had fainted when my waters were broken for the first birth. I was so scared of fainting 'again', and had difficulty making it back to the bed to give birth, as DS's head was "right there". Again, an internal tear which required stitches. The needle for the anesthetic again hurt like hell, but I felt every stitch. Every tug of the needle. It was truly agony, I still recall, probably more than the birth itself. The nurses didn't seem to believe me that I could feel the stitching. I felt at the time they didn't care. I screamed while they stitched me.
This time, as with the others, I am scared to death of something "going wrong". Perhaps even moreso this time. I am so scared of fainting. February 1 last year I fainted, then I stopped breathing, and my heart stopped. Despite all possible medical tests, I still have no answer. Nothing even ruled out. Doctors told me the easy way to "make sure it never happens again". How I asked? "Don't faint." How? I don't have any control over it. I fainted in hospital in December while a nurse was trying to put a cannula in my hand as I was dehydrated from vomiting due to morning sickness. When I came to, I was freaking out so much. I can't do that during the labour. Or birth. This is so upsetting for me to even type. I am glad the Man has gone out so that he doesn't see me crying about it, and "worrying about something that might not be". I was in the car with him last February when all hell broke loose, and he was holding me in hospital in December when I fainted. I don't want to make him worry again, as he did that day in the car. At one of the few ob appointments I went to for this pg (I haven't seen anyone since just before New Year's), the ob put into my notes that I am afraid of fainting, and to "watch for it" during the labour. What for? I couldn't get him to explain. That scares me. Being petrified of needles (I can't even look at them, even if they are nothing to do with me), I am so scared of "having to have" a drip for something. I don't want a drip, and I can't do it. I know I have said that I asked for an epidural the first two times. I think I was in that much pain, I just wanted it to stop. Epi, or death. They both seemed on the level for me at the time. I don't want them to cut me. I am scared of having a c-section. To the point I can't even read the threads in that section. I am scared of them wanting to give me an episiotomy. I don't care if I tear, and I don't know if that is right. I don't want another needle for an anesthetic and stitches, but I would rather see if I "need them", rather than be forced into them. How do I make it clear I don't want them to cut me? I don't remember any feelings of tearing for either birth, and don't want to think about someone coming at me with a knife for the same purpose.
This will be my very last pg and birth. None of my pg's have been "glowing" or "cheery" or any of that bs. I know it is a terrific miracle of these little beings created inside me from a single cell, and I am very thankful for that, but. BUT the morning, noon and night sickness is never ending. Never ending too were and are the promises that the sickness would end at twelve weeks. Or twenty weeks. Or soon. F that. I can't do it anymore. And the births. I don't know if all births are like that. I haven't been able to read any birthing stories. Ever.
I feel like shrugging my shoulders, because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. Or do. I don't know if this is depression again. Or what. I am shrugging my shoulders, and feel like saying I give up.
