DD. 16mos. Just a few questions.

OK, DD is 16mos and an ex 34 weeker.

She is that little bit delayed, as a result of being a premmie.
She's been worrying me a bit lately. She's nothing like her cousin who is 2 months (3 1/2 corrected) older than her. Niece has always been ahead and I was talking to her on Skype the other day and she was able to tell me what a cow, sheep, cat and dog say. She was able to get toys and says "It's a baby". She can point at DD and say her name. And has been able to for a very long time. She has always done things early and it's hard not to compare. When Niece was in the same hometown people would compare Niece and DD all the time. Sister and Niece moved to NZ in July.
Yes, niece was breastfed for 5 months, while DD only had expressed milk for 2 months. I know there are people who will believe Niece is smarter because she had more BM than DD.

DD can't say what animals say. She can't tell you what her toys are. She rarely says Mum. And when she does it's followed by "Sing-sy". Which is 'stinky',. So, yeah, poop.
Niece could say her version of 'grandma' at 8 months old. DD is 16mos and can't say it and it's getting harder and harder. I'm being asked why she can't say it.
She can't say any kind of sentence apart from "I sit", when she sits on something. And "oh dear"
She only worked out how to wave hello or goodbye a few weeks ago.

DD can't handle anything out of the ordinary. Moving day/s was a disaster. She just screamed and got so distressed at things being moved or taken away.
Even just stacking the dishwasher sends her into a frenzy because something is out of place. She will scream and keep closing the dishwasher and saying "Shut". Once it's shut she's happy. If something out of the ordinary is happening she needs to be held.

I can't do housework because she follows me around screaming. I can't do it while she's asleep because I'm so exhausted being nearly 30w pregnant that i need to rest when she does.

She has only started holding her own bottle in the last week. Maybe that was our fault. I enjoyed the cuddly time, because I still feel so guilty that I couldn't breastfeed her.

Her latest thing is when I say 'come here', she screams 'nah' and runs away. If I catch her she tries to hit me. We've always tried to teach her to be gentle. We put her in a corner of the room if she misbehaves. She's screaming at me so much lately, and hitting. She won't eat because she's teething.

I see so many kids her age and she's nothing like them and I'm getting asked why. Apparently "prem" and "birth defect" aren't good enough for people.
The fact that she was 14mos before she was 8kg to switch her carseat around.

What should DD be like around this age?

My life is filled with tears from me, tantrums from DD.

Please just give me some coping tools or ideas. I feel like I just can't cope anymore.

She sounds completely normal for her age. Dd1 could speak in full sentences by 15 months whereas dd2 knows maybe 10 words. They're both normal just different ends of normal with very different strengths. If you are truly worried perhaps have a chat to your Mchn or gp. I feel for you it is hard to deal with challenging behaviour while pregnant I'm struggling with a toddler and a tween who both love to have tantrums.

You need to stop comparing your DD to your neice and other children. All children develop at different rates and some talk alot more than others, some walk earlier than others etc... It is hard not to worry when your own child seems to have an issue in their development (not saying your DD does though). I know I was worried when I'd be around my mums group and their kids. Some kids walked at 10/11 mo & I was worried DD was behind and got myself into a frenzy over it. (DD walked just over 12 mo). She wasn't a great sleeper, whereas some slept through from 6 mo! And the other thing is your DD had a difficult start to her life & this needs to be acknowledged and accommodated for.

In relation to your DD not enjoying change/things out of place - this can be very common b/c they feel more secure when things are the same/constant. Even sometimes my DD aged 4.5 yo likes things done a certain way ie: pillows on her bed in a certain order. I am not worried, this is her little quirk and I suspect she will eventually grow out of it and it is more a security thing than anything else. I know my gf son is very sensitive and a small disruption to his usual routine can send him into a fit of tears. He is just a sensitive soul.

With the housework - can you give her little 'jobs' to do? I found giving my DD the duster a great distraction for her to leave me alone to clean other parts of the house. She thought she was helping whereas I knew she was keeping out of my way!

The other thing is, you are pg and maybe she senses that change is going to be coming with a new baby on the way? Do you talk to her about it? Maybe you talk too much to her about it & it is in her face all the time?

HTH, I just want to give you a huge hug & I think these issues will eventually pass. It has just come at a crap time where you are heavily pg and hormonal plus all at once, so it would be very overwhelming. If you truly suspect there is more going on, push the issue with your MCHN/GP etc.... to get your DD assessed.

Oh love, I'm sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.

I want to drive up to wherever far away it is you live and give you a friendly slap in the face. You know that you can't and shouldn't be comparing two kids,. All kids are different and your daughter has seemingly developed her own personality that is high maintenance. I'm sure she'll make a great diva one day.

FWIW DS1 didn't say any words at all until he was 18 or 19 months. Now at 2.5 we can't shut him up. Yak, yak, yak all the time. He's really ahead of the curve now.

I breastfed DS1 for around 6 weeks so much less booby juice here. I can't see that he's suffering at all for it. I also worked out he hasn't eaten a single vegetable for 3 days now. Oh well.

I had the same age gap between kids and as I got closer to the birth DS1 got more feral. To be honest, it was a very very hard time for me as he slowly changed from this lovely baby to this horrible toddler. He's only really settled down in the last few months or so. I don't say that to scare you, just so you have an idea of what it might be like.

Anything else that is worrying you?

My DD was not prem and was not talking that much at that age, and she is an intelligent, normal kid. I keep getting worried when i compare her to a couple of other kids, but then when we have her assessments and she is in the normal range. By 18 months, speaking 5 words is normal. By 2 years, they like kids to have 20 - 50 words. When i stop comparing and just focus on DD, i see all the cool things she does and how many different things she learns every day.

ETA -my niece had less breastmilk and more formula than DD and her language is alot more advanced than DD. i really don't think that the amount of breastmilk affects speech at all.

I think it's just the tantrums and she will hit things or herself if she's really mad. She got mad and bit herself yesterday and then headbutted the floor. It scares me. Alot.
She's so stubborn and strong willed. Our house is filled with pictures of her in hospital and I look at them and know how lucky I am that she's here.
But she just frustrates the hell out of me.

I know she picks up on feelings, if someone is upset or angry so is she. I'm a bit stressed out and that's not helping her moods at all. And then I feel guilty because I'm contributing to the way she's acting.

As for talking about the baby, or the baby being in her face. No. She doesn't understand when we talk about the baby, she's only touched my tummy a few times and that was when she was obsessed with belly buttons. The baby's room isn't set up or have anything in it. I still need to paint the cot and get furniture.

I don't know how I'm going to cope with a newborn and DD if she's still acting like this. I'm already crapping myself over having a newborn. DD was already in a feeding/sleeping routine when we got her home.

I know I shouldn't compare. I hate that i do that.
I went to mother's group for the first time in 6 months and there were kids YOUNGER than DD who were riding around on bikes/ride on things and getting told "watch out for the baby." "Look out for Hannah, she's still a baby". I felt like crying.
The only kid who Hannah could play with was a 10 month old, who is heaps bigger than her.
I worry that because she's not around other kids that she's suffering because of it. DH wants me to take her to mothers group but I'm sick of getting told how little she is.
I know she's little. She's still in 00-0s. She has a size 1 t-shirt that she wears as a dress.

Maybe it's just all my own insecurities that are passing onto DD.

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Maybe it's just all my own insecurities that are passing onto DD.

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I think you've hit the nail on the head. I doubt she's bothered that she's smaller than everyone else.

As for the coping with a toddler and a new born? I just took it 15 minutes at a time otherwise I'd end up on the floor in tears with both of them. Sometimes someone has to wait while you are doing something for the other child and no matter how much screaming they are doing, nothing is going to change it. Your toddler will get it eventually.

I don't think that my son understood about a baby but he knew things were happening and that's what put him off balance.

Oh hun, big hugs :hug: You've worked some of it out yourself. It is so hard not to compare our kids to others, but we do. It's some sort of stupid natural in built thing.

FWIW, my niece did the headbutting floor thing and she was born at 41+3 at 9lbs. My DD has bitten herself in frustration and she was born at 39+5, 8lbs. The behaviour scared my sister and me respectively, but we handled it the same - ignored, or tried to diffuse. My DD was older when she tried to bite herself - I gently held her arm and said "Don't do that. Are you frustrated? Tell mummy you are frustrated, use your words." But she is 3.5, so it is a bit different.

When they were younger, and my DS is 20mths and still hits things, I say "No! Gentle! Keep your hands to yourself!" which seems to work. I can reason with DD now she is older.

FWI also W, DD had a massive word explosion around 18mths and was using sentences by 2. There are so many ranges of normal!!

She is fine. I promise. I often read things she does in Baby Buddies and can't believe she's a prem who had a tough start. She's actually doing awesome.

Niece can say her name because it's a bloody easy name. "sing-sy" is pretty good for <18 months. Being aware of poo is good too. Tantrums are developmentally normal. Including headbutting. Annoying, but normal.

And she is little. Sure. That's just a reminder of how amazing she is. Just makes it all the more incredible that she's caught up in so many other areas.

She sounds perfectly normal to me :)
Just try to stop comparing her. You don't need to compare, she's perfect.
Everything she's doing is just what babies do, she's testing her boundaries, totally normal.

C, I'm sorry this is such a worry for you :hug: It must be extra stressful when you compare her - she had such a different start to everyone else.
Honestly, she sounds pretty normal to me. I agree with Audax.
Language-wise, she's probably ahead of my son at the same age.
The tantrums etc, that's quite normal, especially if she's feeling frustrated about things. Have you tried sign language at all? It can help bridge the gap till they're able to talk more.

Try to give yourself a break, if you can. Sometimes being a mother and being a housewife are two mutually exclusive activities.