A different type of grief

I am grieving for pregnancy.. I tried for so long to achieve it, I didn't have it for long enough (although I'm so grateful I had it at all) and I will never have it again. I will never be pregnant again..

It's hard to believe I will NEVER poas again. I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that DS will be my last and only living baby. I spent so long monitoring cycles, peeing on sticks, looking forward to the BFP, getting depressed when AF arrives. I experienced a whole range of emotions for so long. Parts of me are glad I don't have to go through all the emotional turmoil that comes with it, but part of me is sad that I will NEVER have another pregnancy. I will NEVER have another baby :(

I have so much grief surrounding pregnancy. I hate the word..

And before anyone asks, yes I am seeing someone. I haven't yet, I have an appointment tomorrow. Thank God, cos I need it. Desperately..

ETA: I just wanted to add that although I have this grief, I am still happy. I am so grateful to have my amazing boy and I look at him everyday and know how lucky I am to have him.. This grief is new and I am hoping time is a healer.. I don't want to feel empty for the rest of my life although I do think there will always be something missing without my boys..

I'm sorry, I wish I had something I could say that would help.
Sending lots of hugs.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:comfort::hug:I am so sorry that your having a rough time and I am happy your on your way to getting some help.

Sending you a big warm embrace, I hope your talk tomorrow helps :hug::hug:.

Regards,
Dianne

So sorry hon. I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you can feel some release after your chat tomorrow.
xx

Sorry you're feeling this way. You have had such an incredible journey and it's so understandable that you feel this way. I hope talking about it helps you move forward with your gorgeous little man :hug:

Hugs so sorry you are feeling this way, I am glad to hear you have booked an appt for help. You have had a turbulant journey it is understandable that you feel this way xoxo

:hug: :hug: I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

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:hug: :hug: I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

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Absolutely this. Sending you so many hugs xx

I hope tomorrow starts you towards some peace around the pregnancy thing.

Thanks for the replies.. Yesterdays counselling session went really well, but it's so hard bringing everything up again.. It's been a long time since I went into such detail about the twins birth, death and first year after death.. Even when I was in NICU with DS I put the twins to the back of my mind a bit, otherwise I never would have coped...

I felt like absolute crap last night. That was to be expected though.. It was a long appointment and I really liked her, I am definitely going back. I am happy and wont let any kind of grief define me anymore.. I have lived like that for 3 and a half years, now I have DS and he deserves better than a Mother who is constantly trying to attain the unattainable. Although I would love more kids for many reasons, having another pregnancy/baby would never give me the 'perfect' experience I am chasing, so I have to get over it and accept this is how it is.. I have to work hard to not project my 'only child' issue onto him.. He might love being an only child.. I didn't though, so that's part of wanting more kids too..

I'll get there. At least I am doing something.. Thanks for listening (reading)

:hug: I hope the counselling can offer you a bit more peace with it all. You have gone through soooo much :hug: