Have I failed?

I'm not sure where to turn. I have to head to the doctor tomorrow :-( I'm in a bad way.

Run down, ex and I split a year ago. We had shared care of the kids after he moved out, 4 days to me and 3 to him.

Then I moved due to my business and work so I am about 30 minutes drive from them now. I have them only on weekends. My ex wants our oldest son (he is 5 next February) to go to PREP around the corner from him and we've got him into that great little private school. Ex doesn't want him to go where I am living. Ex is a BRILLIANT father and very grounding, financially stable also.

We also have a daughter, who is 3.

I pick them up Saturday mornings and take them home Sunday night. I am in a unit, he is in a house. I am looking at moving to a house soon, looking at homes to rent this week as the kids need a room of their own (not shared), the older one is too independent and keeps mentioning his own room and it would be ideal to have a yard for them. However, I live across the road from the beach.

I am just really not coping :-( when they are here I get hugs but the oldest one cries and wants to go back to Daddy...misses him so. Youngest one is fine. I get cranky with them and snap.

My work is 5 days a week flat out. I feel like part of me has died, the kids love being with their Dad, love it. When I dropped them off tonight, they just looked so amazingly happy again, ran out the back and played on the swings and with his dog.

We have no custody arrangements or financial arrangements, we agree that all is working well in that department. It wasn't a nasty break up.

Why do I feel like this? I actually wonder what I am here for at all, you know, I had thoughts of that last night which IS NOT HEALTHY! I'm normally a really positive person. I feel dead inside at times. I'm at a loss as to what to do? Ex sent me a USB stick this weekend with the kids stuff with photos of them on there. I felt horrible, here I was, sitting looking at how happy they were, me not there with them and I drank heavily and was crying so much. Woke up with puffy eyes today! Society says, kids with Mum. But this is opposite.

I have a new partner but he works away. Ex doesn't have anybody. My new partner accepts the kids which is great and is loving toward them.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have NO IDEA what to do. I feel like a failure.

Oh hun I have no advice just lots of gentle hugs. You have not failed. xxx

Your children are happy so no, you have not failed :hug:

I'm sorry things aren't as you envisaged but just because they aren't traditional doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with your arrangements.

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Your children are happy so no, you have not failed :hug:

I'm sorry things aren't as you envisaged but just because they aren't traditional doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with your arrangements.

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^^^^ I concer... In fact I'd say you have done an amazing job to keep everything so amicable. Well done! Many others cannot do that!

Be nice to yourself :hug:

Like the others have said, it sounds like you're doing a great job. From reading your post, I felt that the kids are probably in more or a routine with their dad, being there for the weekdays, which are routine days, unlike weekends. This would probably be the same if it was reversed and they were staying with you for the weekdays. I don't think it's the actual parent that they prefer.

Not sure if you've ever read Steve Biddulph's book called Raising Boys? It's got a great section about the three main stages that boys go through. So from 0-5 they're most likely to by mummy's boy - (or main care provider), then around 6-12 they really gravitate towards dad or the male in their lives (step-dads etc) and it feels like they don't need their mum so much (which they still do, but they're starting to learn what it is to be male). Then from 13 onwards, they need an outside male role model such as an uncle, close family friend, sports coach etc to learn from. So although it feels like he's preferring dad more, most boys go through this stage, regardless of whether they're living in the same house with both parents or apart. Sounds like this is where your son is at. It's great that your ex is a fantastic father and still very present in your son's life,b/c he is going to turn out to be a wonderful man (who still needs his mum too).

If you're feeling really low, I would definately ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. If you can access a Mental Health Care Plan, then you can access approx 10-12 sessions with a Medicare rebate (or find somebody who will bulk bill). Hopefully this may provide you with some strategies for addressing negative self-talk and thoughts, particularly if you are having suicidal ideation. I work as a psychologist and I would be going through all the options/ pro's and con's for working full time vs dropping a day or so, to spend more time with your children if that's what's most important to you right now. Kids don't need fancy outdoor equipment etc if you are close to parks/outdoor areas that you can access. If your son is desperate for his own room, could you re-shuffle and you share with your daughter until you move to somewhere bigger? Just trying to think of flexible ideas.
I hope that you can get some support to help you through this all. Just remember that your kids do love you and need you and that you are doing the absolute best that you can.

It sounds like you're emotionally exhausted. You haven't failed you're doing the best job you can. Find someone to talk to it may help get some strategies to get on top of things again before they get on top of you