How do you deal with 'difficult' mothers in law?

My mother in law has a very strong personality. She's opinionated, patronising, rude, amongst others, however I have always looked past the bad to see the good - and she does have some very good qualities as well. I have also put her poor behaviours down to her upbringing which you wouldn't wish on your enemies.

But, after 15 years, I've had enough. I am actually are at a point where I hate her. I'm exhausted and tired of listening to her and the drama she creates. Her other DIL can't stand her either, but neither of us have really spoken back to her or pulled her up on her rudeness as we have not wanted to cause arguments.

How do you deal with difficult MILs? Do you stand up to them or just or just let them be?

Difficult situation. My MIL is generally pretty easy to cope with so I've always been ok with just ignoring the occasional bad stuff.

If you do feel like something needs to be said about her behavior I'd have a really serious talk with your DH. At the end of the day she's his mother so the message should usually come from him IMO.

Where does your partner stand on all of this? I had problems with my MIL and struggled with DH's constant defence of her bad behaviour. It took him a lot longer than me to realise how her behaviour was affecting us individually and as a family, and now we are pretty much 'on the same page'. This, to me, is key. It's their mother. They have a far longer history and you don't want to ostracise your other half over the MIL.

I moved 300 km away. Life is much easier with a buffer zone.

we live on the other side of the world lol. BUT i do feel your pain. when we visit it is awful. like you i have tried to see beyond the immediate bad behaviour, insensitivity etc, but far out there is a limit! i let her know. rarely in confrontation, but more often with pulling her up if the judgement train is powering along too far/fast or if she is trying to instil bad body image or criticism on myself or the kids ITMS. i found it hard (as we also have language barriers that needed to be overcome) but i have now drawn a line in the sand and it has helped me know how much i am willing to accept ITMS.

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I moved 300 km away. Life is much easier with a buffer zone.

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PMSL!

Mine lives in a different state and I'm SO grateful for that!! She's painful enough when we do see them once or twice a year. I've know her 12 years now and I tend to stand up for myself with her now and just let her know when I don't agree with what she's saying or suggesting. She was very overbearing when I was pregnant with DD1 and even more so once she was born but she's taken a step back with DD2 and I think I have my two SILs to thank for that, lol. But letting her know I wasn't a pushover has certainly helped.

Any major issues I handball to DH. I don't want to be the painful DIL and I don't want to get in the way of their relationship either so there are some things better left for DH. She drives him batty most of the time so he generally sees things my way though.

At the moment I'm just letting my MIL be. She too, is very opinionated (especially in regards to my DD!) And says/does things out of line. Shes one to not think before she opens her mouth. DH of course sides with anything she says! (which annoys me so much) mothers boy!!!

The way I see it, I'm not dropping down to her level. If I say something I will always be "wrong" in her eyes anyway! So I usually just let it slide. (annoying as it is!) I don't have to spend a lot of time with her, even though she lives about 10minutes away. I see her probably once, maybe twice in a week.

My inlaws are all the same and take after MIL's behaviour! So it's always "such a pleasant time" (lol) when I see them!

I'm with Onyx. Moving interstate works wonders....

I cope by also living far far away. 800km actually. But we still copped it via ph. So I gave her a taste of her own medicine and now she leaves me alone most of the time. I get little digs now and then, like when she gave me the largest cardi she could find...backfired though because I thanked her for giving me something that would help me at 9 months pregnant ;) she didn't know what to say lol. These days she leaves me alone - not out of respect but because she realized that I wouldn't take the crap any more.

I divorced mine. Worked wonders.

3189

Boundaries. Both DP and I are on the same page about his mother and decide how we are going to treat her or what we will do. It was more me putting my foot down years ago, but DP agreed with me.

She still doesn't really respect the boundaries fully, but that doesn't matter. We do and we just wait for her to stop chucking her tantrum or holding her breath. It limits the stress a lot.

I smile and nod while I imagine how I'd like to kill her. :rofl:

My kids have started noticing how my MIL treats me (I've never said anything bad to them or in front of them about her) and they have no issues telling her how mean she's being. It makes me so happy knowing that they see through her when everyone else in the family doesn't.

I avoid seeing the mole at all costs. She seems to avoid me too! It's been 18 years, I tried really hard for 10. Now I refuse to accept her crap and she knows it. Manipulating, conniving, lying, egotistical mole. I dread any time I have to spend with her, I know it will be spent listening to her talk about how good she is. I don't even hear about how crap I am any more - apparently I don't exist. I manage to only see her about twice a year now - far too often.

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I smile and nod while I imagine how I'd like to kill her. :rofl:

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Yep, this! I love that your kids call her up on it!

It's easier to keep the peace, and my DH is a wuss so he would never stand up to her, I just put her in her place when necessary but do it diplomatically (well as much as possible)

I would move hundreds of kms away, but then we'd be stuck with them for weeks when they come to visit, I find it easier to keep them at arms length when they are only 10 mins away. Fortunately we only really see them every 2-3 weeks. Since we've had kids they do my head in. Socialising with them is just plain boring. Currently I am breastfeeding which they seem very uncomfortable around, as DD is constantly on the boob, they leave her and I alone which is great. I have no respect for their parenting or grandparenting skills. My DH has a terrible diet (legacy of his mother) and massive self esteem issues, but is quite spoilt. It appears that showing affection was in short supply when he was growing up but he was indulged as a child and adult with 'things'. They let DS play up when they are around, I am always trying to keep him in check as they are lazy parenters and just let kids do whatever they want without boundries or common sense with regard to safety, and our toyroom is trashed more after Nanna plays with DS than when he plays with another 3yo :o
They have looked after him once for a few hours in our home, and I pre-prepared all the food. He was a monster for a few days after, we've never let them look after him again!

I don't speak the same language as my mil. Its kept the peace better then normal ;) (I understand a lot but can't speak)

Divvy- yes yes and yes

When I do see mil I greet her then ignore her as best I can. If she's here I will pull her away from snooping through our house to be with the kids. I try just keep her busy with the kids. Smile and nod and forget what she said the next minute helps.

I let dh do most of the interacting with her. He does the drop off and pick up when DS goes over there. She likes that better cause then she gets to see both her "babies" lol.

The only other time I see her is for family events and there are lots of people around, so it all tends to stay nice and superficial.

My mil is nice, but she is a bit of a twit and is very one eyed when it comes to her sons, so I just keep my distance.

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I divorced mine. Worked wonders.

3189

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I've often told DP that he needs to watch himself, because splitting up would mean he keeps MIL without any help from me! ;)

DP told me he had a nightmare the other night where we did split up because I had a new man and the worst bit was that he had to move back into MIL's. :ROFL:

Oh and her taking medication and seeing a psych seems to be helping too. So in our case, we were right and it wasn't us.

Thanks Ladies! It's so nice to hear there are other painful MILs out there :D