is there ever a time for punishment during TT'ing?

Hi everyone,

I've been tt'ing my 3 1/2 year old for a full year! He's great at childcare (3 long days a week), in undies all day with no accidents and he's great when we go out but at home he still has random accidents. Just now I'd been asking him all day "Do you want to go to the toilet? You havent done a wee all day." and not 2 minutes after I last asked he just started weeing on the floor as I was speaking with him. I am beyond it. Every accident he tells me "Oh Sorry Mum. I'll try harder next time." and he smiles at me. He couldn't care less if he has wet or pooey undies. I've been doing the super patient, nice and stressless thing for so long. But now I want to scream and I wonder if maybe I should be punishing him for it?

Treats don't work, sticker charts don't work, all manner of bribes don't work, I've done everything the books reccommend. I am 6 months pregnant and DS starts kindy in a few weeks. I just can't handle this any longer and I don't know what to do. In truth I am not really expecting any solutions, I honestly believe we've tried everything (except punishment, and I am almost ready to try that now!!). I just need the vent :)

Anyone else finding this the hardest parenting challenge yet?

I will say that no, there is never a time to punish during TT as it would be counter-productive. You don't want him to get scared of going to the toilet

My two boys were TTed at 4 and 3 and a 1/2. They weren't interested any earlier so I would say at 3 and a 1/2 with only random accidents is good (for me anyway).

Have you tried getting him to help clean up?

Oh, and TT wasn't my hardest parenting challenge. I was lucky and it went very smoothly. My hardest has been brushing teeth and washing hair. It is still a nightmare.

When he is home it seems he has the option. Stop asking if he needs to and tell h it's time too. That's what they would do at DC. There would be set times they usher them all off to the
Loo . Do the same at home and don't take no I don't need to for an answer.

I agree with chocaholic, I don't think kids should ever be punished for toileting accidents, even if they're not so accidental.

I would be getting him to clean his own messes up though (with in his capabilities and with supervision). Give him as little attention as you can in regards to an accident, as then there is little pay-off for him (eg, if he wets/soils himself and you clean him, you're having a rather intimate and long interaction). So get him to wipe up his own puddles, wipe his own bottom, get his clothes and dress himself.

No, I don't think punishment is helpful either. And it's not effective so don't bother. Good luck, How frustrating xx

My son was like this a bit, in that he was back and forth and it took ages to finally get there (a year). Then, one day, it just clicked and that was it.

I would agree with Efjay - at daycare there would be expectation that he goes when requested at certain times of day. We have children we know need extra reminders and so we ask them to go throughout the day apart from regular toilet times.
I would give him clear expectations explaining as you go, 'yesterday you wee'd your pants when you forgot to go to the toilet, so I want you to go when mummy asks you to so that doesn't happen today' kind of thing.
As for punishment regarding tt, nope, I wouldn't. However like others have said, I would expect him to help clean up when he does have an accident. I've done that with the 5 year old 'can't be bothered holding on to my penis' boys at work who handsfree flail it everywhere and consequently wee on the seat (cause they fail to remember to lift it) and floor, with gentle explanation that the girls don't want to sit in their wee and no one wants to stand in it either!

I agree, punishment is not the answer. If rewards/stickers don't work, then the opposite won't either.
I also agree with Efjay - don't ask him, just tell him that it's time, and don't make it an option. Don't have to be mean about it, just matter of fact but non-negotiable. If he's in the middle of something, maybe give him a 2 minute advance warning, but then follow through.

I'd also be prepared to revert back to nappies for a while, but that's me - I'd rather clean a nappy than clean a mess :)

i think i would put him in waterproof trainers for home - less to clean up. Just like for tt-ing, e.g when he's on the sofa, put picnic tablecloth under him, to make clean up easier. If he says "why?", you can say, it's only for now, when you start using the toilet at home, we can stop using the trainers and the picnic tablecloth.

sometimes just putting them back in nappies and forgetting about it for a while helps

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I agree, punishment is not the answer. If rewards/stickers don't work, then the opposite won't either.
I also agree with Efjay - don't ask him, just tell him that it's time, and don't make it an option. Don't have to be mean about it, just matter of fact but non-negotiable. If he's in the middle of something, maybe give him a 2 minute advance warning, but then follow through.

I'd also be prepared to revert back to nappies for a while, but that's me - I'd rather clean a nappy than clean a mess :)

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Totally agree with this.. My DS born august 09 is so hit and miss with toilet.. Today he pooped in undies twice.. One was even under our bed on the carpet.. When I asked him why he said 'cause you were outside and couldn't take me to the toilet'.. Any other time, he is telling me to go away so he can have peace on the toilet..

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Totally agree with this.. My DS born august 09 is so hit and miss with toilet.. Today he pooped in undies twice.. One was even under our bed on the carpet.. When I asked him why he said 'cause you were outside and couldn't take me to the toilet'.. Any other time, he is telling me to go away so he can have peace on the toilet..

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James is only 2 months older than yours Doing My Best and sounds similar. Any accident, his response to Why is invariably something like "I was watching tv", "I didn't want to go inside" etc. Silly little things like that that are so frustrating.

To be clear, I've not gone into the realm of punishment, I just feel incredibly frustrated and sometimes it seems like there is nothing else! However, as so many of you have suggested, one thing I havent done is get him to clean up his own mess. I've always had him go get clean undies and clothes, but DH and I have always cleaned up. Great idea - I'll start him on that for the next accident.

Sometimes he has said things like "I like it when you clean my bum", and seeing as there are no accidents when we are out and about, none at childcare, and minimal when its just DH and him, having him clean himself (rather than me do it) shoudl take away some of the fun for him. Fingers crossed this works. :)

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To be clear, I've not gone into the realm of punishment, I just feel incredibly frustrated and sometimes it seems like there is nothing else! However, as so many of you have suggested, one thing I havent done is get him to clean up his own mess. I've always had him go get clean undies and clothes, but DH and I have always cleaned up. Great idea - I'll start him on that for the next accident.

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I understand your frustration.. But my sanity saver is knowing that it really does just click.. He is my 2nd child, so I have seen it just click before.. And you don't tend to believe it happens, no matter how many times people tell you, until you have seen it for yourself.. Hang in there :hug:

How is the tt going? My ds decided the day we were going on a 21 hr overnight train trip was the day to start no pull ups.. He had 2 nights on our trip with pull ups and has refused them at night as well.. And no accidents..

I really hope your ds decides it is a good idea to go to toilet soon as well!!

Hi DMB, sorry I thought I replied to you last week but I can't see it here..... must've done something wrong. No matter, the situation is much brighter now than it was then.

Can't believe it, we haven't had a single accident in over a week!! I am so overjoyed!! He tells us in plenty of time that he needs to do a wee and/or a poo, and we go with him to the toilet, but he undresses and does everything himself, including wiping his little butt! The joy!!! I am trying not to jinx it by thinking about it too much but I am very proud of my little boy.

Thanks everyone for all of your advice and support :)