Struggling to believe Im pregnant and feeling disconnected.

23 weeks today (Friday)

Watched Fast 5 last night on TV. I love the Fast and Furious movies. But every other time I have watched this one we were TTC or waititng to TTC and watching it last night just reminded me how much it hurt and how jealous I was of this fictional character being pregnant. It left me feeling cold and empty - Again. Still.
I really thought now that we had concieved Id be ok but I still feel that stab to the heart/ guts every time I see new babies, pregnant bellies, announcements, movies, etc.
Maybe its because I dont really feel like Im going to have a baby at the end of this. I look in the mirror/ look down and see my belly but it doesnt feel like mine, it feels like Im looking at someone elses body.
I feel the baby move but just dont connect the two. And even wonder if its just gas even though I can see babys movements through the skin.
I struggle to connect feeling crappy with it being worth it because of the reward at the end. You would think with the hip, back, pelvic pain, constant headaches, nausea and still occasional vomiting this would be feeling very real but I still feel like I need to do HPTs in case Im not really pregnant.
I feel awful that Im not connecting with this baby. I want her (another reality Im struggling to grasp despite being completely neutral about gender) to feel loved and wanted, because she is, but how can I feel that for someone I cant convince myself exists or will survive.
We still havent talked about names - DF has said he is waiting for me to bring it up but I just cant. We havent bought anything except a car seat - which was only because someone gifted us the money for it. We havent set up/ sorted/ cleaned anyrhing that will be used from when we had DS - DF is waiting for me to take the lead on this too, I dont think he really knows what I want done with it. Fair enough. But again, I just cant find the motivation or desire to do it. Its all just too hard.

Will this ever go away?
Every milestone that comes up I expect to come with a bit more acceptance, a bit more excitement but it never does. I dont know how I can fix this.

:hug: I can totaLly relate to that. Both my pregnancies I was always waiting for something bad to happen, I never really believed I would get a baby out of it until the days they were born. For me I think that was because it was so hard to conceive so it was all so surreal.

In retrospect I feel like I robbed myself of the joy and funa nd anticipation that so many women have, because the whole time I still felt like I was infertile, even though I was pregnant if that makes sense, I still had that infertile mindset.

I so hope you can feel better about it soon and enjoy it like you deserve to x

I'm sorry your struggling. It's not unusual though after LTTTC and or MC. There is a great sticky here that may help https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ad.php?t=53228

If it helps I found I could connect to my baby through yoga and meditation, especially in the third trimester. Also once the dreaded 24 weeks passed and I knew if she was born now there was a good chance of survival. There is still a lot of grieving and processing of your ttc journey to date while pg. It's not unusual for men and women who've been through a tough time conceiving to experience Ante Natal Depression. I'd mention how you are feeling to your care giver as its best diagnosed early as possible. Others here may be able to provide better info. PANDSI are an organisation that could also help you figure out what support you may need.

I hope you can begin to enjoy and connect with your DD over the coming months.

I was exactly the same. Still sort of am. I now have my beautiful baby, but somehow it's all surreal.
It will sink in eventually. I tried to do something once a day that I felt helped me accept the pregnancy and that all was ok, like rub my belly, allow myself to dream of the child and what it will look like. Sounds silly, but after 2 m/c just putting my mind in a positive space was a step forward to acceptance.
A Doppler helped too!

I can completely relate, I'm only 6 weeks but have spent the whole time panicking that I'm not really pregnant. I'm hoping my first scan will help. I'm also still conditioned to hurt and gutted feelings when I see babies or hear any announcements. After LTTTC I should be over the moon but it just doesn't seem real - lack of symptoms isn't helping either - just wish I would throw up or something lol.

It sounds like a Doppler wouldn't work, you know you are pregnant you just won't let yourself connect.
I would be worried about how you will be after birth, you have a baby that needs to connect with its mummy you need to overcome this feeling if dread or you will never forgive yourself.
If you can I think you need to talk to midwife and see if they can help or refer you to a counsellor or something that can so you can try and start feeling differently before the baby comes.

All those feelings are valid but not healthy... I feel similar but I don't have the bump and only random feelings, I don't feel sick and i know I have rare conditions so am a little high risk, if it's a high risk I usually win the medical lottery so i find it hard to shake the feelings but I MAKE myself as I know I need to trust it will be ok to get through the next half of the pregnancy.

It sounds like you need to grieve your ttc journey. I think any focus on HpT is symptomatic of being in the mindset of ttc and if it was a long term thing, then it's understandable it is now part of how you think about pg and children. Our fertility can become really ingrained in who we are and how we think of ourselves. It sets up ideas about our bodies and their functionality, as well as emotional hurdles. Do you have a good counsellor you know or perhaps get referred by your gp to see someone to talk this through. It sounds like something that won't go away on its own.

Honey, I can relate. I'm 18 weeks now and still struggling to connect. I didn't have this issue with my other two pregnancies but after ds was born so ill and all the trauma that went along with that I'm having trouble believing there's nothing wrong with this bub. I would def recommend counselling. It is helping me so much. Turns out this feeling after LTTTC or birth trauma etc is fairly common but you should absolutely get some help.
HUgs hon, I know how horrible it is.

Thanks girls.
I had been seeing a psychologist at the hospital - for other stuff - but she left and I have to book in with her replacement. Ive been putting it off a bit..

Our TTC journey wasnt long exactly, but I do put a lot of it down to wanting to so, so badly, for a couple of years before we started trying, every month I would convince myself I was pregnant and imagine symptoms, even if we hadnt DTD at all that cycle (crazy right?). It was very much like the rollercoaster of TTC without the sex. Then it took 9 months on top of that with a miscarriage in that time once we started trying.

I dont think a doppler would help, for me, as I logically know bub is ok but cant let myself believe it.

ETA - I touch my belly a lot, take time a few times a day to notice her moving, talk to her a little bit, but it all feels so... empty. Like Im just pretending.

Even telling people Im pregnant feels like a lie.

Calluna... I'm the same... I think it has only just started sinking in that I'm actually pregnant havi another little girl.... I'm not exactly sure why it's slowly sinking in and like you I have on recently bought a privacy feeding cover and her first towel and rug... But other than that I don't have a name or anything else. I'm starting counseling Monday....... I think that you should go back to counseling or maybe see someone else. I think what you're feeling is completely normal and when that bsby is in ur arms it will all fall into place. It's probably from being scared and anxiety.. Mines because it wasn't planned and I think I was in denile and my outside stressors..... I hope you feel better soon. I'm here if you want to chat.