After trying for so long to have a baby, I would have thought that I would be spending these 9 months in a state of total happiness...so why am I not coping?

It seems that i still have all of the same sadness and frustration and anger that i had when i was TTC for all those years. I still feel the same way when i hear of other's who fell pg easily - and when i see pregnant women in town. It's crazy.

No-one knows i have lost a twin except DH, and he refuses to discuss it - he says it's all for the best. He is right, but it doesn't mean i can stop feeling so sad at the loss. And not ever 'miscarrying' is like it never happened at all. I can't claim to feel anything like those who actually lost a baby - i know my physical and emotional pain is nothing compared to theirs - that's why i hate myself everytime i feel this way.

I am more than half way through this pregnancy, and i have bought nothing at all for the baby. Nothing. No cot, or buggy or anything. Not even any cute clothes. I haven't even bought any maternity clothes - I still struggle everyday to fit my normal clothes (I have some bigger sizes from years ago). I tried on some maternity jeans and nearly cried and had to leave the store.

I know am so lucky to be pg...why can't i see it and feel it myself??

Thanks for reading and please don't judge me for writing this - I know that this isn't right...but i'm not sure what to do to get over it.
Jo