I really screwed up tonight...

I really screwed up tonight...Spock was tired! All her signs, yes it was earlier than normal, but she was getting to the going crazy hyper stage so I took her to bed before that could happen. We did everything like we normally do, she was even getting doppy on my boob. I tucked her in, said good night and went to sit on the couch in her room like I normally do and wait for her to go to sleep. It's normal for this to take 45mins to an hour. I don't know what it was about tonight....I don't know what started it... But I got so fed up. I yelled at her to go to sleep. The first few times she laughed me off. Then I found my angry voice and terrified her. But she still wasn't going to sleep. So I laid down with her, said I will sing her one more song, patted etc... Then I said good night again. But she still wouldn't GTFTS! After 1 1/2 hours I said good night, I'm leaving the room and you are going to go to sleep. I did. Stood around the counter she got up... I just calming placed her back in bed. After like 4 or 5 times I yelled again =( really angry. Terrified her. Put her back to bed... This happened 3 more times and she was hysterical. She was staying in bed but crying and saying mama and daddy over and over and over. I sat still in the door way. I don't know how long...my heart breaking. But I couldn't back down. I can't. I do believe you have to follow though. Keep it consistent. Now that I had made it clear she was not to get out of bed and she had to sleep, I couldn't go back on it. I couldn't be gentle again... Had she gone to sleep and woken up I could. I could be gentle and sooth her. But not until she went to sleep.

I just tagged out. I said to DH he can do what he wants, but I'm tagging out. He went in had a chat with her and they are sitting on the couch watching tv. I'm staying out of view.

I don't know what to do. I really failed tonight. And my poor girl suffered for it =**(

You poor thing :hug:

We all have a point where it's just too much and you feel you can't take it any more. When it takes that long every single night, tonight is even longer and no matter how nice you are, you're trying and it's been an hour and they're laughing at you. It's hard to just keep calm for that long!

I've done it too. When DD used to feed to sleep it could take 30-90 minutes. There were nights I'd take her to her room three times, she'd wake up three times. By then my nipples felt raw and she'd just woken herself up completely. One time I put her on the bed and yelled just go to sleep! Then we both just cried. DH came and took her and I learnt that when I was getting that way I needed to get out earlier. She would only feed to sleep so he couldn't get her to sleep, but he could calm her and help her get tired while I recovered myself and was able to try again.

Now we just read books and sing to her in her bed til she's asleep. She has nights where she goes a little crazy, and if I'm the one with her I just don't want to be singing for an hour while she mucks around, so I tell her I'm there to help her sleep but if she won't try there's no point me helping and I'll leave. She keeps going so I leave, she cries and calls for Mummy, so I go back and we talk about what she needs to do to go to sleep. Usually she calms down and will sleep, if not on the third time I tell her I can't stay and help anymore and Daddy will come in.

Things like this happen to everyone. Our kids aren't perfect, they drive us completely mental sometimes, and we're not perfect either. I've just learnt to get out early when things are going pear shaped.

Sending you both massive hugs. It's hard when you feel yourself reacting and know you aren't doing things the way you want to.

Unfortunately being a parent doesn't come with an endless supply of patience and calm. You are still human and make mistakes and don't always do things the way you want to.

:hug:
Please try to be as understanding and gentle with yourself as you would with another mummy.
We're human, we make mistakes. We're also allowed to back down and change our minds as circumstances change. It's ok. We can all - children included - live with inconsistency. Sometimes it's absolutely essential.
You're doing ok. Take some time out and breathe :hug:

Oh man I've been there. More times than I'd care to recall. it's really hard when your little one takes forever to fall asleep. It still takes DS1 between 30mins and 2 hours or so to go to sleep. every night. I feel your pain!

last night DS1 woke up at 12.30, barged into our room sooking and squealing and DP just lost it. so did i but to a lesser degree. i left the room to calm down and then came back to get to work. everyone was awake and upset. It took me 90mins to get both kids back to sleep by myself. After that I couldn't put DS2 down because if one wakes, so does the other.

don't beat yourself up over it. you're human and it's ok to make mistakes. it's how you learn from them and adapt that counts. :hug:

*hug* mama. Sometimes it can get so hard and overwhelming. I ditto what madb said, and most importantly be gentle to yourself.

PP have said it all, but I wanted to add my hugs. I totally get you - had a similar failure a couple of nights ago....ended up with DS biting me (which he's never done before), me shutting him in his room and holding the door shut while he screamed his head off at midnight. I then spent 2 hours bawling my eyes out :( I have a bruise on my arm from the bite and every time I look at it I tear up :(

Oh geez that brings back memories of some nights with dd. I used to call it my 'demon mummy' moments because I could seriously flip out from sleep deprivation and frustration.

Be kind to yourself and try and see the warning signs. For me it's about lowering expectations in any given moment.

Taking a break outside and looking at the stars is a great way to calm you both down too (although tricky in summer time with daylight savings). Giving more responsibility to your dh would also help.

there is no failure hun. And you know what? gentle parenting is really hard work! a one off 'mummy meltdown' will not scar your DD for life. today is a new day with a fresh start. be gentle on yourself :hug:

TT40 I can so relate. Especially when DD was younger we went through a few stages where every single night was at least an hour long drama and she wasn't even content to chat or play in bed but screamed blue murder even with me in the room with her. You are tired after a long day being focussed and active with your baby, baby is tired, you are allowed to loose grip a little... And you are definitely allowed to tag out! In fact you should do it more often if you need to. When DD was like that I would literally walk up to DH and say you need to deal with this, I can't handle anymore. Unfortunately DD at the time would only settle with mama which made it hard but at least if DH spent some time trying (fruitlessly) to calm her I could have the space needed to recollect my composure and calm down ready for round two hundred.

You are a good mother, a caring and responsive mother, otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about this. Get DH to tag team more even if Spock will only settle with you, it at least gives you a little breathing room and you can feel supported by your partner.

Thanks girls. Dh has had the week off work so has been doing a fair bit more during the day, esp. Early morning. I've been very productive during the day while she has someone else to engage with, maybe the less of me had something to do with it..

She crashed after only a few mins of being on dh lap, I had a cup of tea and a big cry and she happily tf to bed with a little snuggling on the way.

Blip on the radar dude. It's one crappy night out of many great ones. You're a loving and dedicated mum. You've given her a great foundation. If a house is built of a thousand good bricks and one crumbly one, the whole thing doesn't fall down.

So focus on the 99% of your parenting. And try to do something nice for yourself. Think of this as an internal cry for help. (And/or chocolate!)

Hope you're ok about it now. There's not a parent out there who has never had a moment which they arent proud of. S'ok. It can be so bloody tough sometimes. Take it easy on yourself.