Can not get help

I'm hoping there are a few people still around in here. It's been months since I've checked in on BB, but I'm not comfortable discussing these things openly on facebook & don't really have anywhere else.

Ok, DD1 is just a typical teenager.

DD2, her ADHD is reasonably under control & she's doing ok at school. But her impulsive behaviour is still sucky & her anxiety has just gone through the roof. The constant crying, sometimes for hours on end is doing my head in! At school, at home, because she can't stay up & watch a movie that starts at 10.30 at night... She's just an emotional mess & it's been going on for a few months.

DS's anxiety seems to be improving. Still waking regularly through the night, but I haven't heard about monsters or needed to stand at the toilet door for a while now (by while I mean about a week).

Then there's DD3. Her impulsive, down right dangerous behaviour is doing my head in. I'm suspecting SPD at least, but because she's so different to DD2, it's taken me this long to start seeing it.

She seems to be completely unaware of danger. Will run on the road without stopping EVERY time we leave the house if I don't stop her. SHE'S 5. This isn't normal. She's very physical. But not loving physical (smothering) like DD2, she's violent. She always starts physical fights, especially with DS & when he retaliates & hurts her she will rarely stop. She always launches back at him for more :/

When doing the wrong thing sometimes I wonder if she's pushing for me to be physical with her. She just keeps pushing it & will pull faces etc until I sometimes lose it & do smack. But I am starting to wonder if this is what she's looking for??

She has issues with clothes & mostly wears DS's old clothes. Not to fussed on dresses & hates having her hair done. And chews on the collar of her school shirt a lot when she gets home.

We recently moved into a 2 storey house... there are no fly screens upstairs yet (not that it'd stop her) but she's always leaning out the bloody windows! It's a nightmare!! Thankfully it's only bedrooms upstairs & unless she's changing for the 83rd time that day, she's not too worried about spending time up there.

Her tantrums are also epic. She won't remember what she's screaming about 40 minutes later, but she WILL force herself to vomit if she can.

I'm going bat**** crazy... I spoke to the fill in health nurse & got a referral to the child development team (speech, OT, paed, psych, etc) & saw a psychologist. Her answer was a rewards chart. After 3 weeks I could see that there was no difference whatsoever so gave up.

I'm again at the point of asking for help. My doctor sat there & said to me 'well she's clearly not ADHD. You have 2 difficult children, you're a single mother, so that in itself is difficult, she just wants attention & it will just always be difficult for you'. You have no idea how brushed off & ridiculous I feel now that's happened twice.

My carers review for DD2 had also come up... in his opinion once ADHD is medicated everything is basically sorted out & better. So I lose that tomorrow. Nothing about the anxiety, SPD or anything else I tried to discuss with him & have seen him about in the past mattered.

I don't have access to anyone else. I'm struggling, but I know enough that I know he's full of ****. I just feel ****ed off & like I just have to put up with this..

I wonder how he'll feel when next time a truck slams it's brakes on she doesn't make it across the road :/
(For the record I was mowing the lawn & she'd wandered off out of the yard alone to find DD2 who was with friends around the corner. I had no idea. Again, she's just turned 5! This is not normal, acceptable behaviour!!)

Hi Clover. I just wanted to offer you a big hug. You have so much going on and I think you deserve a medal for staying on top of it all. I can't imagine how difficult life is for you atm. I'm really struggling to think of something constructive or helpful to say to you, I'm sorry hun. I have a son on the sprctrum but he's very mild, and not agressive, reckless in behaviour etc. And I struggle with him somedays, I can't imagine other kids in the mix... I only have one contact for him and it's his developmental paed, he's steered us in the right direction for early intervention, speech and now OT, so it's all been very helpful. I'm not sure where you can turn to..A friend of mine told me that you can join a FB group that is only open for parents/carers etc for kids with special needs/on the spectum, would you be interested in that? I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Just wanted to add, my DS went through a stage a little while ago where he refused to hold my hand while crossing the road, because he told me the rules are that when you are little you don't have to, and when you are grown up you do etc. He sometimes makes up his own rules etc. I have also tried the rewards chart, big fail, what I did find worked for us was bribery. He loves his scooter so I always threaten to take it away. It works. I always try to find ways to bargain with him, and compromise (sometimes it works) but it's mainly when I threaten to take away his fave stuff, he listens. I'm very lucky becaue I have access to a psychologist through his early intervention program, so when I need to vent or I need some poiters, she helps me. Sorry if this was all mumble jumble, I hope someone else can reply with some useful tips and suggestions. Hugs again x

Big hugs. That is an awful lot to be managing and it sounds like you are doing a phenomenal job.
It also sounds like you have more than enough experience to know when there is more going on and that DD3 really does need more assistance.
I know how hard it is when you are brushed off by the doctors and people who are meant to be there to help.
I wish I could provide more than sympathy here. I really hope you find someone helpful soon! Can you go back to the psychologist and tell her the rewards chart didn't work? Could you go to another psychologist?

I just wrote a massive post and lost it!!!

Long story short, DS (8) has SPD and anxiety but we hit rock bottom a few months back and got help from one of the agencies. Life was an unending hell of fighting fires and trying to survive as DS was horribly nasty to his sisters, disobedient, violent, disrespectful and just horrible to be around.

I went to the child mental health service begging for help. They suggested a parenting course. I actually laughed out loud. But I went, and he has been going to counselling too. I have implemented time out which has been stunningly effective. I never thought it was an option for us because his tantrums could last hours and I thought he would trash the room. He did put a hole in the wall (lost $50 birthday present) and scratched/dented his door (had to sand and revarnish it). The first few nights he would barely be out of time out and he would be back in again. But after a few weeks it actually worked and he rarely ends up in time out and will take himself there and stay in the room now. It was all done on clear choices of doing the desired behaviour or choosing to have a time out (and then do the desired behaviour). We balanced it out with as much one on one time as I could manage, and then implemented sticker charts.
I cannot tell you how much better life is. I never dreamed it could be like this. They kids actually get along!! DS is happy!! He smiles and laughs and jokes. Parenting until now has always been damage control for us, now it is actually enjoyable and manageable.

So the SPD created the clothing issues and made him more prone to anxiety, but in us catering to all his specific *needs* (to avoid meltdowns - we had to survive!) we actually created a monster who expected all his whims to be met.

With my experience and the result we have had, I would strongly recommend The Incredible Years. It is the book I am working through with the social worker and it has great reasoning and rules for effective time out, reward charts, play etc.

I do know of an SPD seeker child who has no regard for traffic and also know another child that runs off down the street because it makes his mum squeal. Could she be misbehaving as an attention seeking thing? Because that was the case for my DS once we were stuck in that negative feedback cycle. He also did things to see how far he could go before I lost it at him. The SPD and anxiety have not helped at all and I doubt it would have played out like it did if he had been NT, but obviously he is a child that needs firm and very consistent boundries to feel safe (in hindsight that should be obvious from his black and white personality!)

That may not be any help to you, but I know we always seemed to have similar issues with our kids so I thought you might like to know what worked for us.

My kids are like that. All of them need firm boundaries, yet all of them also need to be parented differently. DS needs leadership/protective roles around the house, DD2 likes to nurture etc. I was suggested a parenting course back when DD3 was younger & I blew it off because I feel I've done so OK with DD1. She is a teenager, but she seems to be an OK one so far... Maybe I should try it, but because they all need so much structure & routine I kind of became strict on all these things about 3 years ago & have read a lot of the idea's they present in these classes to attempt to see what it's all about.

A lot of her behaviour is attention seeking... which I don't understand. She's only started kindy part time this year. For the last 4 years she's had my undivided attention for all the hours the other kids are at school, as well as mostly when they're home. But this isn't a new thing since starting kindy.

She was very similar to DD2 as a baby, just not as challenging. She was very active from a very early age. She always got into things other kids her age wouldn't consider, but I always reminded myself that it was all pretty typical. But she's still doing them at 5. I feel she struggles with the impulsive behaviour like DD2 used to.
I don't think the running on the road is attention seeking. If I get her attention, by just calling out 'DD, stop' she will stop. It's not a battle. She just needs to be reminded that she needs to stop every single time. But she will also approach a snarling dog & try to pet/pick it up. She climbs on everything, including the roof of my car & has done since about 15 months old.

I'm not even sure what I want at this point. The psych I saw basically brushed me off when I tried to bring other aspects of this up with her, so I did let them know I didn't feel that she was right for us & asked for someone else I've seen with DS rather than drive another 4 hour round trip for the follow up. I'm not sure weather I suspect ADD, SPD, both or none. I know she's not on the spectrum, but the behaviours that have been there since birth make me very aware that there's more to her. It's not all learned manipulative behaviour or she would've been like any other child in a car or pram & settled as a baby. This one screamed instead.

She does love a reaction. She loooves to get a bite. Loves to see how far she can push. But only when she's actually paying attention & I can see that difference...

I just want someone to listen. To actually pay attention to what I have to say. I'm frustrated. I am managing, & doing pretty OK at the moment, but it will only be a matter of time before it all comes crashing down around me again & I'm stuck trying to get through it with no support.

So sorry you are going through this Clover.

Are you in WA still? I am not sure what services are in place there but if you were in NSW I would recommend Royal Far West both the outreach service depending on your location and the Royal Far West School. Basically in short it attempts to provide assessment of your child/ren over a period of time with a number of specialists to see what issues are present, what they are and devise a management plan. There is obviously no quick fix but I have only heard good outcomes at improving a child's life at school and at home and helping prevent a further deterioration. Your GP sounds like his not interested in helping you.

Still in WA yeah. I thought there maybe somewhere here similar, but when a friend called a hospital that described similar (on my behalf), they gave her the CAMHS number (child adolescent mental health service). That was who I saw previously.

I'm looking forward to seeing the psych though. Hopefully I'll be able to get somewhere soon 😏

I hope my post didn't come off as sounding as though you can parent your way out of everything. Some kids are really hard work! My two girls together have not been anywhere near the work that DS has been, yet I have done all the same things with all of them. I honestly think if it weren't for the sensory stuff it would have been a completely different journey. But he is who he is and he is a pretty cool kid, quirks and all :)

Have they not assessed her for ADHD yet? I remember that you have wondered about that since she was little and what you wrote above sounds pretty text book. I know it is pretty hit and miss to get someone who is actually helpful, but I hope the psych is reasonable.

The problem is that I have no one ready to take me seriously yet. She's not old enough for it to be affecting her at school, so not an issue. She's only at school 3 days a week & kindy, while they're learning the basics, is still more about movement & learning through play. Her interest is always held & they don't do an activity for any extended length of time.

She's also keen to learn. As I have always been. But I know now, that I was ADD. Still am. I have the lack of focus & was a day dreamer all through school. But I still enjoy learning, even though I find it challenging to stay on task. So this to me doesn't discount her chances of difficulties for her in the future. I'm also guessing that her being awake later on school nights & being over stimulated & in a fowl mood in the afternoons is because she's tried so hard to contain herself while at school.

My GP actually said to me 'she's clearly not ADHD. You have 2 difficult children, she's looking for attention. You are a solo parent, so you're already in a difficult situation. Life will just always be difficult for you'. Because he can tell by the 15 minutes we sit in for appointments every few months...

I'm hoping the new psych will be able to help me with an ADD assessment. If it's just a no, then fine, we'll work on that. But I never suspected ADD with DS. The paed wanted to have an assessment done, just to rule it out. But I was right & he was fine. The fact that I knew there wasn't anything there tells me that my gut feeling is pretty on point.

I just want to be listened too. That's all. Taken seriously. Before it starts to dramatically effect her learning like it did with DD2, who is still catching up. I feel like if I get a yes or no now, we have a head start...