Smothering mother in law!

I have a problem with my mother in law wanting to see my 15 month old daughter too much, sometimes she sees us up to 3 times a week and just pops over anytime she wants. I'm getting a bit annoyed because I'm basically ignored the whole time, as MIL only has eyes for her granddaughter. MIL keeps pushing the subject of letting my daughter sleep over, but I don't see any need for that, as she's only 15mths and theres plenty of years ahead for all that. But she can't understand that, no matter how many times I tell her I'm not yet comfortable with sleeping over. MIL's really eager to have time alone with her, and constantly tells my husband and I we need to let her be with them alone more often, even though she sees her granddaughter quite a lot anyway. MIL takes over my daughter when we are together, and just feeds her and does whatever she likes with her without consulting me. Am I being just a jealous daughter in law? I'm starting to resent seeing her now,which is sad because we got along so well until my daughter was born... I feel really nasty writing this, but its always on my mind, I just don't want to see her as often as we do, I want family time some weekends, which we never get. My husband doesnt see a problem with his mother, so its something I can't bring up with him. Should I say something to her? Anyone else had any similar smothering MIL problems?

Dear fairy
welcome to BB.

You do sound like you have a bit of a problem there. There are many many BBers in here with mother and MIL problems so someone will respond soon I am sure!

Is this your MIL's first grandchild by any chance???

Yes,this is the first grandchild. And MIL always wanted a daughter (she got two sons), so now she kind of has one, so I guess I just have to be more understanding! I just want time alone on weekends occasionally. My daughter adores her grandma so I would never try to keep them away from each other! I guess I'm just a bit jealous, as my own mother lives 2 hrs away so I don't get to see her as often as I'd like. I found that MIL gave me unwanted advice at the start as well, like assuming my daughter was lactose intolerant therefore I should take her off breastfeeding and put her on formula, whereas my own mother was extremely encouraging and instead of coming over and just being baby focused (like MIL), she actually helped me with things that I really needed, like cleaning and talking to me!

Oh Fairy
Hang in there.
With advice like that:

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I found that MIL gave me unwanted advice at the start as well, like assuming my daughter was lactose intolerant therefore I should take her off breastfeeding and put her on formula

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which is COMPLETETLY THE WRONG WAY ROUND - I can sympathise.

I used to have big problems with my MIL too, and it was no use talking to DH as he wouldn't listen to anything that sounded like crticism of her.

I suggest telling him how much you and your DD would love some family time together without actually mentioning his mum at all. Organise outings (like picnics) just for the three of you and keep talking about how great mummy, daddy and daughter time is. Hopefully he'll get the picture and start looking forward to HIS family time.

We *had* the exact same probs with MIL till it all just blew up one day and now we only see them for Christmas which is absolute BLISS :) .

My MIL and SIL used to always have her their say on what we should be doing with DD. Like use cloth nappies, dont B/F, get her used to the pram, dont let her get to clingy to you blah blah blah. I used to grit my teeth everytime something was said until it got to the point where i thought 'no way, this is OUR daughter so enough'. I started biting back HARD. At the time DH didnt really do anything because its was his family and didnt want to upset them but he soon realised that he HIS family to protect and it was time to start saying something.
Of course they didnt listen and thought we were in the wrong, very typical of his whole family. DH has a cousin that is having the exact same probs with his parents now.

I think when there is a problem with your family then YOU should say something but if its a problem with his family then HE should say something. If all else fails and they still dont listen then do what i did and write everything that you need to get off your chest then ring MIL and say your peace. It worked for us. They no longer drop in when they feel like it anymore, they dont ring, they stay right away.
I was pretty blunt with what i said to her and to this day DH hasnt asked me what i said. He is confident that i said all the needed to be said because they wouldnt listen to him. He said if they dont listen still from my talking to her then we will severe ALL contact with them.

He has had enough of the majority of his family. He cant stand his mother or sister anymore. He would like a relationship with his father but knows thats not likely to happen cause his married to his stupid mother.

Look after you and your family, screw the rest i say. If they cant respect what YOU want for YOUR daughter then she should be told not to come around anymore and to ring first to make sure its ok. She should be ringing first anyway before visiting, thats just rude to just turn up like that. Tell DH how you feel and tell him your uncomfortable with her just dropping in. He wont understand to begin with because he has been raised that way so he wont see it as being a problem but you have to make him understand that that is not how your were raised and you dont like it.
Stand you ground and be strong, she has NO RIGHTS over DD and she should be told this. And bugger the staying over part, if your not comfortable with it then dont do it.
My MIL bought all this stuff like portable cot, car seat, basinett, bedding etc because she ASSUMED DD would be staying there. No Way!, i told her to get rid of it all because she wont be useing it with my kids. Lol.

Be strong. you have to be, otherwise she will take over. Stop her from taking over DD when she is there to. She doesnt have the right.

Maybe organise to take your MIL out for coffee, just the 2 of you, and have a chat.
I really value your advice and friendship....
I love that you care so much for DD and that she has such a special bond with you but I need you to step back a bit....
Let her know that she is welcome in your house but that it is YOUR house and your daughter. While you appreciate that she gives you a lot of support and help it is really overstepping the mark to just do things and not consult you.

I have similar issues with my own mother, we can't be anywhere where she is without her taking over completely. Being a sm, sometimes i don't mind but the majority or the time it really gets to me. My dd is the only grandkid also and I think as my mother and I have a very poor relationship she is trying to compensate by having a good one with my dd. I don't mind as I can see her being the mum I wanted to have to my daughter... that said I have a few times said that Bridie is my daughter and regardless of if I am making mistakes or not they are my mistakes to make, she had her chance to be a mum, 4 times infact and while I value her as Bridie's grandma she needs to realise that a grandma is different to a mother. Every time I real off this speech she backs of for a week or so but then she just starts up again. ATM it is easier to handle it this way for me.

Hope something here helped.

Oh just had an idea, buy her a bunch of lovely flowers and attach a letter explaining how you feel, just make sure to emphasis the positives as well.

Good luck, and hope your BIL has a kids real soon so she can transfer her affections to the new baby :P.