Step Monster

Hi my name is cass i am 23 i have 4 children 1 of my own his name is Xzander and is 16mths old and 3 step children Rob 10, sean & Vanessa both 8 (twins), all 4 children live with myself and my husband full time my step kids only visit there mother every now and again. I was just wondering if anyone out there in cyber space has gone through the same thing as i have and have the same feelings as myself.

The story goes...................

I was 18 didn't have any desire to have children then i met my now husband wich i fell in love with and found out he had 3 kids and a ex wife. First the children only came to visit us every second weekend then the ex decided it was to hard for her and dumped them on us (raley sore them and pays **** all in child support $6 a week to be exact that is for all the kids, not each) I found out i was pregnant just after they came to live with us. I just ound out i was pregnant, i was trying to get he kids into school, organising a wedding, getting ready to have a baby and dealing with my husbands crazy mother and ex!
Sometimes i feel resentment towards the kids and i have no idea why, I still dont feel close to them and try to keep them at arms length. Why, and is anyone else out there with a similar situation?

Cass, Hugs to you.

My situation is different from yours. I have two foster boys. It is a long story but they are my sister's boys and somedays, I have to work really hard to love them like my own.
You are not a bad person for feeling this way. When you have a baby, you have instant unconditional love. Love of another person's child is different and can be complicated and somedays you really do have to work at it. I have my days too, where I am angry that things are the way they are.

Hang in there, you are doing a fantastic job!

thanks for that tiggy. your right some days i feel as if i could just run away and hide because things just seem to complicated and hard and others everything seems to flow fine. i just felt because they have been in my life for almost 6yrs that i would feel a little different then i did the day i met them but i dont really

Cass,

I have had the boys living with us for the last six years too. You are right, some days it is just like we are a big happy family and others everything falls apart.
Have you talked to your DH about how you are feeling? I know when things get very bad for me and I am not handling the boys (or their mother) too well, I go to some form of counselling. Is this an option for you?
Cass, the fact that you are feeling horrible about your feelings, is a good sign that you do care alot for these children, that you want to change things for the better. Hugs.

I was a little like you. With my now XH, he had a six year old daughter when we met. He shared her with his ex, and that worked okay for a few years. We then got married, moved towns and went through a big court case because my ex wanted to get residence of his daughter. He lost. I was pg at this stage, and had a really hard pg and emergency c/s. After I had Alex, I didn't ever feel as close to XH's daughter than I did to Alex. I do believe it is different when you have your own children.

Also, the age difference is a big thing. I am 14 years older than XH's daughter. I'm more of a "sister/aunty" than a "stepmother".

Mind you, I haven't quite worked out how it's now going to work with XH & I being separated. I don't know if I'll be seeing XH's daughter at all.

Wow Cass that is a big load. You are doing so well taking it all on. It must be very difficult for you. Do you much support at all? I think the feelings that you have are completely normal too...its not the kids fault..they are the innocents but its natural all the same. I wish you all the best...

Jo

thanks guys i do have some support but not much my mum is really good but she works and i feel bad if i ask for a hand sometimes. my husbands mother is a nut and can barely look after herself let alone anyone else, husbands dad and step mum live in sydney and are now traveling around aus. I have one older sister but she has 3 kids of her own. And my best friend who is no longer my best friend was friends first with all the other people i used to talk too so i feel as if i cant speek to them. My husband is my rock at the moment and most of the times comes across as if he understands. I just need to get out and meet new people and i think i will be fine.

makes great sence actually, thanks for tha. it kind of gives me another perspective on the whole situation

hi cass. i have a similar situation.
i think its only natural to resent the things that having step children can cause.especially if it wasn't totally your decision like that! but its important to also appreciate the good things they bring.
i sometimes wonder if my first child (and second) would have more attention from her father if she wasn't his 3rd...but his first (and second) aswell. her life would be different somehow yk?
but it is wonderful for them to have elder siblings who play with her and adore her. they really do get the best of both worlds.
like everything in life, its all about give and take;)

Yeah, it can be hard - and there is THREE of them! don't be too hard on yourself.
If you can pull yourself back a little bit and see yourself as the aunty (or something) it can change your perspecctive.
i think the biggest mistake we all make is feeling like you have to be a mother to them. You don't - they already have one, even if she is a bit crap.
I found it really hard, esp when they are young but now my step kids (ex to be technical but I still love 'em) are older it is such a joy to be part of their lives. It adds I dimesnion of step parenting I didn't expect.

good Luck with it!

Wow, I really congratulate you on being there for your 3 step children. I have one step daughter who is only 4 months older than my own daughter. She has lived with us for the last 2 1/2 years and sees her mum every other weekend. Her mother has no involvement with her schooling, doesn't take her to any after school activities, help with homework, etc etc. She has called me mummy since just after she moved in with us. I actually spend more time alone with her than with my other daughter as she (my other) spends regular time with her dad. At times I feel resentful of the time I soend with Chloe instead of with Jasmyn, but the girls adore each other and are very close. To us, we are just a family and we recently got married, so now it seems as though we are much closer. Both my DH and I are mummy and daddy to both the girls, even though they see their other parents.

It can be very stressful at times as Chloe is very very different from Jasmyn, and sometimes I feel as though I just don't understand who she is at all. I must remind myself everyday that she is Chloe, not Jasmyn and to accept her as she is, and all that goes with her. We saw a counsellor for a while last year, before we tried for this baby (due March) and that really helped.

Good luck to you, and hang in there.