my teenage angst!!

THE HARSH TRUTH

Life isa game of lies
and deceit
there is nowhere left for
me to retreat
for deep inside i know
i am
just as pathetic
as all of them.


HAZY ENCLOSURE

I live in a world
a world of my own
all I need to get there
is a full packed cone
to forget all the *****
reality puts me through
escaping to my dreamworld
is all I seem to do
depression amidst
a veil of tears
I need to erase
the cause of my fears
pack my bong
and pull it hard
this is my life
not just a facade
im bored with this life
I stare thru the walls
thinking this is
all there is
until death
does call.

woah! just to let you know, if anyone reads this, This was me about 14 years ago, I was not a happy girl (cant you tell??) I am no longer that sad, drug dependant person.

DISTORTED IMAGE
A world with no colour
a world with no sun
no longer full of splendour
laughter, voices or fun.
I see it all so clearly
a vision in my head
because like me
this world has long been dead.


untitled

powerfull emotion
glimpse frm the past
all that has ended
nothing meant to last
yesterday is gone
tomorrow still to come
what is left unfinished
will still be undone

Reminds me of my diary as a teenager!!!
I will have a look for some of my similar poetry if you'd like, have you got anything you have written recently?
SB

the only thing i have written recently is my poem about the mc. I have posted it in the other poems bit in miscarriage and loss.
I tend to only write stuff remotely good when I have emotional upheavals of a sort iykwim?
Please post some of yours would love to feel that im not the only one!!

this is one I wrote when I was 21, so only about 6 years ago!

my hopes and dreams
of yesteryear
the excitement, anticipation
and all consuming fear
where did the passion
of my teenage years go
when I could scream and yell
let the tears flow
what happened to the girl
i used to be
so happy, melodramatic
and carefree
making such a fuss
over nothing at all
setting up the blocks
just to watch them fall
could it have been
my exclusion from the scene
cos I was too *****y
so very mean
maybe it was the baby
that wasnt meant to be
all of the people
that I used to see
was it the drugs
that destroyed most of my friends
the death, cheating, sadness
that never seems to end
to feel so old
at age twenty one
I almost wish
i had a gun.

I wrote this not long after a friend of mine commited suicide, hence the darkness.

Still very poetic
I tend to write about dark or sad things too.

I am just heading home from work- i am having some internet probs but i will try to get it going at home tonight- and go through some of my old diaries.

take care if i dont get in here later tonight i will see you another time!!
SB

Hey- found some stuff.

1st one from early high school

Now it has all turned around
Now its me squished in the ground

I'm sorry that i did this to you
Now i know what i put you through

I now know how i made you cry
I too now want to curl up and die

It was in my fate....
This lesson to be learned

If you choose to play with fire
Thou will get thee burned

I cant find my other book with more of my other stuff- just some teenage he doesnt love me anymore stuff. I think i tended to be less creative and i more or less found songs i could relate to and just edited them to suit my needs!! There was one i wrote about the planet when i was about ten, but i cant find it or remember it all right! i am sorting through our spare room/office so if i come across any more i will post them. Its weird, i was reading through a diary that ii was wiritng in when i very first got pregant with my first angel- but i just stopped writing, there was nothing about loosing him or anything- it just stops. I have started another one in the last year or so which i have filled in abit of the past (does anyone else feel like they have to update their new journal? Like tell it what has been happeneing? or am i just a freak? LOL)
But its not the same- i should have been recording how i felt. Maybe its a bit of a sign to myslef to keep up to date with the journal i have no so in the future when i look back i can go - yeah i rememebr those feeling vividly.
N e way, just thought id share.

Have a good day!
StarBright
xoxox

thats great starbright!
I have afew like that too, about people playing mind games and screwing with your head etc....
about the journal stuff, I started one when I was about 7 and continued right up till I was about 23, then I just never seemed to have the time. I then started one in june when i found out I pg with my angel, I just stopped writing in it too, about a week before I found out i mc.
after I had the d&c I tooke everything pg related and stuffed it all away somewhere, then about a week later i pulled out my journal and wrote about the whole devastating experience while i cried my eyes out, it was very cathartic, my dp was just sitting there on the lounge watching me, shaking his head and asking "why???"
I havent picked it up since.
but anyaway, the point was that no, you are not the only one, I feel like every time I go back to it I need to *update*!

I love reading my journal from when i was really young- i guess i kept one from when i was 8 till my mum read it when i was about 16- i then got really self concious and i got rid of a lot of them (i am really mad about that now)- i can picture about 4 of my "books" and i know they are full of stuff- but it was mostly all the dark stuff in my late high school years and i think i did throw them out during one house move- i think i was a bit afraid if someone read them now they would think i was a mental case. (my mum freaked when she read them in high school LOL) and i have been through every scrap of stuff i have and i cant find them :(
Now i tend to write more like wishes to the universe- i write down what i think the world needs and then burn it so the messege disapears.

I have decided i am going to write a book- i am going to put some of my "out there" ideas- (check out the Religion thread!! i have posted a few whammies in there!!!)
and thoughts in some sort of chronological order and put them out there for other people to check out.

It is going to take a while though- i dont have an ending and the middle keeps changing!!! I still get new perspectives and ideas- and i am having trouble deciding whether to put something out there thats not 100% thought out- or maybe waste a whole life time waiting till i know exactly what to write!!! LOL

I dont know if you will check this before sunday or not- but if you do, i am asking everyone to light a candle this Sunday 18th November in honor of my little angel zahra, its been a year since we lost her to a placental abrubtion. :(

Any way- i have gone and bought myself a nice daily planner for next year to match the journal i have- so i may start filling the pages again- hope fully it will be full of dr's appts and kick charts!!! And this time i will try not to leave it so long so i dont have to catch it up so much!!

Its funny (not ha ha funny) i have had a many similar experiences with bawling my eyes out reminissing or while writing or just while thinking and DH doesnt understand- he cry's too- but its different- he is in a different place when he cry's- when i cry it is like when he is bashing star pickets into the ground (he is a farm fencer) or like just after we lost our son he was demolishing houses and he would go sic on a house with his anger and frustration and then feel all the better for it- that is the place i am at when i cry. Each sob for me is like punching a wall down, and once i have had that huge bawl and really let it go - i feel better. And the more i put off having that cry- the more it effects me in the meantime and i will usually loose it over something pety and ridiculous. I get very "stomach" stressed- i go off my food and stop eating which isnt good when i am trying to be healthy while TTC- so i need to make sure i keep on top of my emotions and let myself feel stuff and writing letters to the universe seems to help. :)

My other fave thing in high school was my FU#K page. I would write in continuously over and over and fill a page from edge to edge to let out my frustrations- i hadnt done it for years- but i still have my fu#k page from when i lost darren and again after i lost Zahra.

Sleepy time for me- i have a big day tomorrow, i am going to play lawn bowles (i.e. drink lots of cheap beer) for my bosses brithday- i am going to have a cheers for my angel too- who should have been born on the 17th- not left to "hope my blood clot holds"

More about that another day- Good night
Star Bright, Star light
wish Upon a Star tonight...

Oh wait- i have to share one thing i have written recently... Just a sec...

Once upon a time there lived two strange people who lived in a shoe
They stayed home all day because they had nothing to do

One day they went out for a fish with their mate
It was an organised outing
"We'll pick ya up at 8!"
By 10 we were off
(not like us to be late!)

We got to a spot that would do us just fine
we hooked up our rigs and cast out a line

On Shane's frist cast there was a yank on his stick
And it wasnt the first- 1...2....3...He got a hat- trick!!!

"Three for three" he yelled with Glee
"What a good start to the year for me!"

The Cpt and Kat had to agree!!
It was a good sign, it was yes indeed
Kat Mcintyre 8/01/07

Now its time for bed!!
Good night
SB

starbright, I would be more than honoured to light a candle for your angel on sunday.
I really like that poem, very light and rhymy!! hehehe!!
that was a huge post girl, I am in awe!
I love the idea of your book, why dont you start at the beginning and go from there? if you have a computer (duh!!) you can go back and edit anytime you want, mix it up how you want kwim?
that way you can think about it as you do it, try jotting down any thoughts and ideas that come to you during the day on the topic, ( I have been in the religious threads and I must say we do think quite alike)
thankyou for pouring your soul out for me starbright, with the crying, I get it, I am the same. There is nothing better than a good old howl fest to release that pent up anguish and frustration.
I hope you have a beautiful weekend, I will most likely be drinking tomoz too, I will say a silent cheers to you and your family.
the candle will be lit
xxxx

Thanks mate- cheers away!

i thought i remebered you in the religion threads and a few other ones- its sort of funny this internet thing- there are ppl you "run into" and ppl you check in with everyday- just like life!! And a few other special ones i message or text-

Thats one of the "things" that changed in my thoughts- i was against all technology- anything "un natural" in a sense- but then i sort of saw the good of it- and i have decidd its ok- but it needs to be done with more knowledge and understnading of the natural things around us