MY STORY - miscarriage at 18 weeks, 3 days
Hi everyone, my name is Jennifer, I?m 33 years old. Luckily, I've found these wonderful online support groups b/c I have been looking for anything to help myself cope with my loss. Here is my long story. In May of '07, I found out I was pregnant - a bit surprised but happy nonetheless. About 2 weeks later, I found out I was miscarrying at around 6-7 weeks. Even though it was so early and they were never able to detect a heartbeat or fetal pole, I still felt loss & sadness. I researched and learned that 1st trimester miscarriages are common & usually one goes on to have healthy pregnancies. I moved on with hope for a successful pregnancy next time. My husband and I waited the few months to try again and successfully conceived & found out I was pregnant in November '07. We were both elated. I scheduled an appointment right away to ease some of my worrying b/c of what happened last time. In the first few weeks, I had some light spotting and my hcg & progesterone levels were "unstable". My doctor suggested possible miscarriage but that we would monitor and she prescribed progesterone supplements. As the next weeks came, my levels increased and at around 6 -7 weeks, the heartbeat was detected. My husband and I heard it loud & clear during my ultrasound and we felt so relieved. I had terrible "all day" sickness throughout the 1st tri that gradually got better when I entered the 2nd tri. At about 12 weeks and at 16 weeks, ultrasounds confirmed healthy heartbeats and a perfect little shaped baby. I even rented a fetal doppler monitor to ease my worries at home between doctor visits. Everything was falling into place and I was excited and felt at ease b/c I made it to the 2nd tri and chances of miscarriage were minimal at this point. A couple of scares along the way, but nothing serious or major cause for alarm. My doctor said I had a 90-95% chance of a successful pregnancy at this point - sounded like a winner to me. I started buying maternity clothes b/c I could no longer button my jeans & pants. I finally had my belly bump. I could not wait for July to come. I imagined what my baby would be like, if it was a he or a she, what that moment was going to be like when I finally held him/her in my arms. I truly felt blessed & lucky. My wish & dream was coming true. But my world was about to change. Little did I know what was in store. Last Saturday morning, Feb. 16, very early in the morning between 3 - 5 AM, I woke up from my sleep a couple of times with what felt like water running down my leg. I figured it was just typical pregnancy "discharge" and tried not to worry too much. I woke up my husband and told him and we both just tried not to worry and I would call the hospital first thing in the morning. We woke up again around 8 - 9 AM and it seemed like the symptom had subsided. I called the hospital to tell them about the situation and they told me to come in and get checked out to make sure things were OK. As my husband drove me to the hospital, I tried to reassure myself that everything was OK and they would check me out and just send me home with no worries. We stepped into the labor & delivery room and waited for the doctor to do the ultrasound and a culture. I held on to my prayer card and guardian angel coin so tight as my husband was beside me. As she did the ultrasound, I prayed and waited to hear the results. The next thing I heard was, " the culture came back positive with amniotic fluid and there is little to no amniotic fluid left in the sac around the baby.....the baby cannot survive..." I can barely remember what was said after this. I grabbed my husband as I lied on the table and just kept saying "this is not happening, it can't be happening, it's just a dream and i am going to wake up". I was in shock and felt like I was having one of those out of body experiences. I just wanted to erase this episode from my life and go back to when everything was fine & normal. Why did this moment have to be happening? The doctors left us alone for a few moments and then returned to explain to us what was happening and what the outcome would be - I just closed my eyes, clutched onto my husband, prayer card and coin and tried to escape from this harsh & cold experience that was now becoming my reality. My husband listened to the full prognosis from the doctor and learned that the baby could not survive and miscarriage was inevitable. They wheeled me to another room where I waited with my husband and were soon visited by my parents. A high-risk OB doctor came in to talk to us but at that point there were no conclusive reasons as to why this happened - even with testing they may not be able to determine a cause or reason. I miscarried about 18 hours later at around 6:30 AM Sunday morning after experiencing painful contractions for 4-5 hours prior. Following the miscarriage, the doctor had to perform an immediate D & C b/c the placenta had not passed and I was hemorrhaging and losing too much blood. The D & C was a blur b/c of the pain medication & spinal tap. I was awake but I couldn't tell you if it lasted 15 minutes or 2 hours. My husband said it was a little over an hour. I was in recovery all day Sunday & Monday where I received antibiotics, blood tests, pain medication, etc. Considering all circumstances, I did receive very good care from the doctors & nurses. I cried almost the whole time I was there (hasn't stopped yet) and barely slept. After sleeping a couple hours Sunday night, I woke up early Monday morning and felt my stomach. That's when it hit me pretty hard. There was no baby growing inside of me anymore. My baby was gone and was not coming back. I was no longer protecting & carrying that precious part of me. Everything inside of me felt empty & lifeless. I sobbed hard and called for my husband who was sleeping on the couch next to me. He got in the bed with me and lied next to me as I wept long & hard. The doctor allowed me to go home late-Monday with strict orders to take it easy and continue to take the antibiotics & iron supplements and let my body recover "physically". "Emotionally" was another story. I was ready to leave the hospital b/c I wanted to withdraw & detach from everything that happened. I did not want to hurt anymore. The hospital gave me pictures of my 18 wk & 3 day old baby in a sealed envelope - I kept these sealed and gave them to my mom to keep in a safe place. When we got home, everything was just different. My husband had made sure to put away any sightings of pregnancy reminders (ie.pregnancy books). We had a quiet evening and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and sobbed, prayed, went back to sleep and woke up again and sobbed more. On this day I came to the decision that I wanted to have a small service at the hospital. I contacted a priest referred by a family friend. I told him about my situation and he could not have been more kind, caring and understanding. He agreed to do a service at the hospital with me, my husband, my parents and my mother-in-law. This took place Thursday, Feb 21 at 2 PM. I brought a beautiful bouquet of yellow & white flowers, a little yellow blanket the hospital had given us, a tiny yellow stuffed animal lamb, pictures of the ultrasounds and my prayer card & guardian angel coin. I was able to also find a small box with sailboats on it (my husband has sailed all of his life so it had some sentimental meaning). I gave the hospital the box and they had the baby placed in the closed box and set it on the bed with everything else I had around it. The priest offered a beautiful & spiritual service and included a few prayers I had requested. He poured the holy water on the box with a blessing and gave my husband & me baptismal candles to hold & keep. At the end of the service, my husband placed the box wrapped in the blanket on my lap. The priest read out loud the letters my husband & I each wrote to our baby. I just cried & put my arms around the box to feel the presence of my baby and extend my love & sorrow. My husband & I were then left in the room to have a moment to ourselves and then I asked my husband to step out so I could have a moment to myself with my baby. My husband returned and we placed the box on the bed with a picture of us on our wedding day on top of the box. I took with me the blanket, stuffed animal, flowers and letters we wrote and I am keeping everything in a special place at home. I am glad I decided to have this service - I will never forget it and in a way, I did find some comfort & peace. I know my baby is in heaven and is in good hands. For me, I know it will take time to heal and I am just trying to take it one minute and one day at a time. I do believe in prayer and that one must have faith, even when we don't understand why. What does not kill us, makes us stronger. Believe in the goodness of God and believe that he has a plan that may be beyond our understanding. This is what I am holding onto. It's not easy but I am just praying that Jesus will carry me through. Other times, I just want to break down & cry and just crawl into a hole. So many emotions to go through and try to deal with. I pray for strength.
Well, that is my story - I know it is incredibly long but I wanted to tell it. I hope this offers some comfort & consolation for all of you and I know I will find the same after reading all of your experiences. As my husband has been saying, "we will live to fight another day". I am fortunate to have my loving husband, wonderful parents (especially the warmth of my mother) and caring siblings through all of this -- I just wish my baby could be with me too. Many blessings, support, comfort and hope for us all. Take care.
Jennifer
My prayers are with you...
Also am so sorry for your loss....one day at a time, that's all ive been able to do, the emotions you feel are overpowering but all part of this extremely hard process. I always dreaded waking up i think because i realised it was all real all over again. Like you i have a fantastic hubby and parents...lean on them as much as you have to...i have found these forums to be a saviour though as you will, so many women have to bear this pain and i hope you can find some comfort in us...
Look after yourself and take all the time you need, i also have faith and understand God has a plan for us that we might never understand, we just have to have faith that we will be granted the beautiful gift of holding a babe in our arms one day..and that we will be reunited with our angels.
My thoughts and prayers:pray: are with you in this hard time.
xoxoxox
