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Thread: MY STORY - miscarriage at 18 weeks, 3 days

  1. #1
    Jennifer617 Guest

    Default MY STORY - miscarriage at 18 weeks, 3 days

    Hi everyone, my name is Jennifer, I?m 33 years old. Luckily, I've found these wonderful online support groups b/c I have been looking for anything to help myself cope with my loss. Here is my long story. In May of '07, I found out I was pregnant - a bit surprised but happy nonetheless. About 2 weeks later, I found out I was miscarrying at around 6-7 weeks. Even though it was so early and they were never able to detect a heartbeat or fetal pole, I still felt loss & sadness. I researched and learned that 1st trimester miscarriages are common & usually one goes on to have healthy pregnancies. I moved on with hope for a successful pregnancy next time. My husband and I waited the few months to try again and successfully conceived & found out I was pregnant in November '07. We were both elated. I scheduled an appointment right away to ease some of my worrying b/c of what happened last time. In the first few weeks, I had some light spotting and my hcg & progesterone levels were "unstable". My doctor suggested possible miscarriage but that we would monitor and she prescribed progesterone supplements. As the next weeks came, my levels increased and at around 6 -7 weeks, the heartbeat was detected. My husband and I heard it loud & clear during my ultrasound and we felt so relieved. I had terrible "all day" sickness throughout the 1st tri that gradually got better when I entered the 2nd tri. At about 12 weeks and at 16 weeks, ultrasounds confirmed healthy heartbeats and a perfect little shaped baby. I even rented a fetal doppler monitor to ease my worries at home between doctor visits. Everything was falling into place and I was excited and felt at ease b/c I made it to the 2nd tri and chances of miscarriage were minimal at this point. A couple of scares along the way, but nothing serious or major cause for alarm. My doctor said I had a 90-95% chance of a successful pregnancy at this point - sounded like a winner to me. I started buying maternity clothes b/c I could no longer button my jeans & pants. I finally had my belly bump. I could not wait for July to come. I imagined what my baby would be like, if it was a he or a she, what that moment was going to be like when I finally held him/her in my arms. I truly felt blessed & lucky. My wish & dream was coming true. But my world was about to change. Little did I know what was in store. Last Saturday morning, Feb. 16, very early in the morning between 3 - 5 AM, I woke up from my sleep a couple of times with what felt like water running down my leg. I figured it was just typical pregnancy "discharge" and tried not to worry too much. I woke up my husband and told him and we both just tried not to worry and I would call the hospital first thing in the morning. We woke up again around 8 - 9 AM and it seemed like the symptom had subsided. I called the hospital to tell them about the situation and they told me to come in and get checked out to make sure things were OK. As my husband drove me to the hospital, I tried to reassure myself that everything was OK and they would check me out and just send me home with no worries. We stepped into the labor & delivery room and waited for the doctor to do the ultrasound and a culture. I held on to my prayer card and guardian angel coin so tight as my husband was beside me. As she did the ultrasound, I prayed and waited to hear the results. The next thing I heard was, " the culture came back positive with amniotic fluid and there is little to no amniotic fluid left in the sac around the baby.....the baby cannot survive..." I can barely remember what was said after this. I grabbed my husband as I lied on the table and just kept saying "this is not happening, it can't be happening, it's just a dream and i am going to wake up". I was in shock and felt like I was having one of those out of body experiences. I just wanted to erase this episode from my life and go back to when everything was fine & normal. Why did this moment have to be happening? The doctors left us alone for a few moments and then returned to explain to us what was happening and what the outcome would be - I just closed my eyes, clutched onto my husband, prayer card and coin and tried to escape from this harsh & cold experience that was now becoming my reality. My husband listened to the full prognosis from the doctor and learned that the baby could not survive and miscarriage was inevitable. They wheeled me to another room where I waited with my husband and were soon visited by my parents. A high-risk OB doctor came in to talk to us but at that point there were no conclusive reasons as to why this happened - even with testing they may not be able to determine a cause or reason. I miscarried about 18 hours later at around 6:30 AM Sunday morning after experiencing painful contractions for 4-5 hours prior. Following the miscarriage, the doctor had to perform an immediate D & C b/c the placenta had not passed and I was hemorrhaging and losing too much blood. The D & C was a blur b/c of the pain medication & spinal tap. I was awake but I couldn't tell you if it lasted 15 minutes or 2 hours. My husband said it was a little over an hour. I was in recovery all day Sunday & Monday where I received antibiotics, blood tests, pain medication, etc. Considering all circumstances, I did receive very good care from the doctors & nurses. I cried almost the whole time I was there (hasn't stopped yet) and barely slept. After sleeping a couple hours Sunday night, I woke up early Monday morning and felt my stomach. That's when it hit me pretty hard. There was no baby growing inside of me anymore. My baby was gone and was not coming back. I was no longer protecting & carrying that precious part of me. Everything inside of me felt empty & lifeless. I sobbed hard and called for my husband who was sleeping on the couch next to me. He got in the bed with me and lied next to me as I wept long & hard. The doctor allowed me to go home late-Monday with strict orders to take it easy and continue to take the antibiotics & iron supplements and let my body recover "physically". "Emotionally" was another story. I was ready to leave the hospital b/c I wanted to withdraw & detach from everything that happened. I did not want to hurt anymore. The hospital gave me pictures of my 18 wk & 3 day old baby in a sealed envelope - I kept these sealed and gave them to my mom to keep in a safe place. When we got home, everything was just different. My husband had made sure to put away any sightings of pregnancy reminders (ie.pregnancy books). We had a quiet evening and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and sobbed, prayed, went back to sleep and woke up again and sobbed more. On this day I came to the decision that I wanted to have a small service at the hospital. I contacted a priest referred by a family friend. I told him about my situation and he could not have been more kind, caring and understanding. He agreed to do a service at the hospital with me, my husband, my parents and my mother-in-law. This took place Thursday, Feb 21 at 2 PM. I brought a beautiful bouquet of yellow & white flowers, a little yellow blanket the hospital had given us, a tiny yellow stuffed animal lamb, pictures of the ultrasounds and my prayer card & guardian angel coin. I was able to also find a small box with sailboats on it (my husband has sailed all of his life so it had some sentimental meaning). I gave the hospital the box and they had the baby placed in the closed box and set it on the bed with everything else I had around it. The priest offered a beautiful & spiritual service and included a few prayers I had requested. He poured the holy water on the box with a blessing and gave my husband & me baptismal candles to hold & keep. At the end of the service, my husband placed the box wrapped in the blanket on my lap. The priest read out loud the letters my husband & I each wrote to our baby. I just cried & put my arms around the box to feel the presence of my baby and extend my love & sorrow. My husband & I were then left in the room to have a moment to ourselves and then I asked my husband to step out so I could have a moment to myself with my baby. My husband returned and we placed the box on the bed with a picture of us on our wedding day on top of the box. I took with me the blanket, stuffed animal, flowers and letters we wrote and I am keeping everything in a special place at home. I am glad I decided to have this service - I will never forget it and in a way, I did find some comfort & peace. I know my baby is in heaven and is in good hands. For me, I know it will take time to heal and I am just trying to take it one minute and one day at a time. I do believe in prayer and that one must have faith, even when we don't understand why. What does not kill us, makes us stronger. Believe in the goodness of God and believe that he has a plan that may be beyond our understanding. This is what I am holding onto. It's not easy but I am just praying that Jesus will carry me through. Other times, I just want to break down & cry and just crawl into a hole. So many emotions to go through and try to deal with. I pray for strength.

    Well, that is my story - I know it is incredibly long but I wanted to tell it. I hope this offers some comfort & consolation for all of you and I know I will find the same after reading all of your experiences. As my husband has been saying, "we will live to fight another day". I am fortunate to have my loving husband, wonderful parents (especially the warmth of my mother) and caring siblings through all of this -- I just wish my baby could be with me too. Many blessings, support, comfort and hope for us all. Take care.

    Jennifer


  2. #2

    Join Date
    Jul 2007
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    Rural NSW
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    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I don't know what to say :hugs:

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Colorado, USA
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    i am so sorry for your loss of your baby. i wish no one ever need live through this pain again, and that my tears could heal some of your pain. i am glad you have found support for your grief -- be good to yourself and allow that grief to flow. big hugs, m

  4. #4
    Peach Guest

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    Jennifer,

    As I read your story, tears just flowed down my face. I am so deeply sorry for your loss and could never imagine the pain you must be feeling. The BB community will offer you and your husband a wealth of support while you grieve for your baby. You will get through this, you sound like you have a fantastically supportive husband and loving family. The service you held for your little one was a beautiful idea and I am sure he or she knows that they were loved beyond what words can express.

    :hugs:
    Thinking of you
    Jen

  5. #5

    Default My prayers are with you...

    Also am so sorry for your loss....one day at a time, that's all ive been able to do, the emotions you feel are overpowering but all part of this extremely hard process. I always dreaded waking up i think because i realised it was all real all over again. Like you i have a fantastic hubby and parents...lean on them as much as you have to...i have found these forums to be a saviour though as you will, so many women have to bear this pain and i hope you can find some comfort in us...
    Look after yourself and take all the time you need, i also have faith and understand God has a plan for us that we might never understand, we just have to have faith that we will be granted the beautiful gift of holding a babe in our arms one day..and that we will be reunited with our angels.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you in this hard time.
    xoxoxox

  6. #6

    Default

    OMG, your story brought tears to my eyes.
    You are an amazingly strong woman. May your faith carry you through these difficult times. You are so right - all we can do is jsut trust God with our and our babies' lives, go along with what he's got planned for us and hope that we will get otu somehting good of it, when we finally get to the other side.

    My parayers are with you and your beautiful angel.

    P.S do you know whether it was a girl or a boy?

  7. #7

    Join Date
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    Jennifer, honey...my gosh I am so sorry for the loss of your little one.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us, you will find many kind souls here who understand.... :hugs:

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    Newcastle, NSW
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    Jennifer,
    I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious angel.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have tears streaming down my face, as I truly can relate to a lot of what you have been through. My husband and I lost our beautiful son Noah Thomas on 21 Feb 2006. I remember feeling like I would never smile again. I didn't think I would ever be able to be happy again. I just know that my baby is my my heart, and he is watching over me every single day, knowing and feeling all the love that I have for him.
    Please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself time to cry and to grieve.
    And please know that I am here for you if and when you ever need to talk.
    Hugs
    Lisa

  9. #9

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    Melbourne, Victoria
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    Jennifer - thank you for sharing your story. Your love for your baby shines through as I read your story. The service you held was beautiful and showed the love and respect you have for your lost child. I understand the pain and grief you feel. I understand how hard it is to realise that all your plans for the future will not eventuate. I am so glad to hear you have a supportive husband and family, they will certainly help you as you grieve.

    Take care and please feel free to come here and share your thoughts. I have found the BB community to be such a lifeline.

  10. #10

    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    Qld
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    I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending many prayers for healing. Thank you for sharing your story.

  11. #11

    Join Date
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    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this horrible time.

  12. #12
    Jennifer617 Guest

    Default Thanks Everyone

    All of you are so wonderful - thank you for all of your caring, kind and supportive words. You don't know how much it helps!!!! I find myself reading them over & over again b/c each time it soothes the hurt a bit I feel lucky to have connected with all of you. I hope & pray that each of you are receiving the strength you need to face each day. I know we are all being carried. Take care and please stay in touch.

    Jennifer

  13. #13

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    home sweet home.
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    Jennifer: I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child. I know just how horrible that pain is, just be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve. When I lost my son I thought I couldn't bare to face another day, but as the days passed I started to see a future for me. You will always love your baby and grieve your baby, but it does get easier to deal with in time.

    Just know that you are not alone.

    big :hugs:
    Love Spring

  14. #14
    bubNo.2 Guest

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    Hello Jennifer i just read your story and after having a cry ... i dont know what to say except sorry your going through this awlful time. Everyone is correct though as BB is a great place to vent cry and express frustration and for you greif!

    One day at a time girl ok take it easy and get back into everyday life in your own time....

    Hows your husband coping?

    regards
    Ainsley x

  15. #15

    Join Date
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    Hi Jennifer

    your story made me cry you have been through such a hard thing sending big hugs your way i only no to well how hard it is loosing a baby so far on i lost me little girl at 23 weeks and it was the hardest thing ever dont think i am moving on yet i just m/c last night which has just bought everything back to me you never forget but it does get easier it just takes a long time. the service you had sounds beautiful what a lovely way to say goodbye to your angel i hope the pain easies for you soon take care and give yourself time.

    Munchy xxx

  16. #16
    Claire Guest

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    Hi Jennifer,

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and take it easy. It's so wonderful that you were able to have a service for your little baby. Just remember, your baby may be in heaven now but whilst it was with you all it ever felt was unconditional love.

    If you need to talk there are others here that have been through similar experiences, any emotion you feel is normal. There are also trained counsellors.

    xx

  17. #17

    Join Date
    May 2005
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    :hugs: Jennifer

    I am so sorry for the loss of your precious angel. The service that you had sounds so lovely, I have tears runnign down my cheeks.

    I hope that writing your story and sharing it helps you along your path. I think that you will find the people on BB wonderfully supportive and accepting and always willing to listen.

    :hugs: once again for you.

  18. #18

    Default

    Hi Jennifer

    I wept at your story and the loss of your beautiful baby. The service sounded like a very fitting tribute to the little life that had so much impact and brought you so much hope. I hope soon you may have an earth baby to hold in your arms as well.

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