Jen805--My story

I'm a newbie to this site and just want to say first of all that I'm so grateful to all the women who have the courage to tell their stories. I've avoided telling my story in the hopes that if I don't talk about it, it will just go away like a bad dream. I feel compelled after reading the other stories to tell mine, because I've found a lot of peace in knowing that I'm not alone in this, and maybe I can help someone else deal with their pain.
I found out in January that I was pregnant. I have two sons already, one 14 the other will be 7 in April. I also have 2 step daughters, 14 and 11. We were all thrilled with the results. We told everyone as soon as we found out, not thinking that there may be a problem. I did have 3 m/c in the past, one was a blighted ovum--but they were all before I had my 7 yr. old, so my Dr. wasn't concerned with giving me an early u/s. I had asked him at my 8 wk. appt. for an ultrasound since it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but he felt that since my last pregnancy was fine, things would be ok. He said at my next appt., which was set for March 4, if we didn't hear a heartbeat we would do an ultrasound. I started spotting on Mar. 3, but wasn't too worried since it started after intercourse, and it's common to spot afterwards. Spotting still going on the next day, and while it wasn't heavier, it just hadn't stopped, so I started to worry. I called my Dr. who told me to relax and put my feet up, and he would see me the next day. Within an hour the spotting started getting heavier, and I knew something wasn't right. Called the Dr. back and he sent me for an u/s. When I went for the u/s, we could tell by the way the tech was acting that something wasn't right. At the end I got to see my baby on the monitor, and thought that it looked much smaller than it should be. The sent me back to my Dr. who gave me the news that no woman ever wants to hear. They could find no heartbeat and the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. It was surreal because my body still looked and acted like it was pregnant, even though for 5 weeks my baby was desinigrating inside of me. The Dr. felt that I didn't need a D & C, but that if I didn't "pass it" by Thur. 6th (my b-day) then they would go ahead and do it. M/C happened on the 5th (happy b-day to me). Had to run a couple errands with my 7 year old and all of a sudden I was having full-on contractions 1 minute apart! Thank God his friend came by after we got home and they went out to play. I was stuck on the toilet with contractions in my stomach and back--just like a regular delivery, but without the precious gift of a child at the end.
Of course I've had all the guilty feelings that I'm sure everyone who reads this can relate to. Everyone's telling me I did nothing wrong, that it wasn't my fault, that there was something wrong with the baby that made this happen.... While I'm thinking that it's all because I didn't appreciate the gift that I had been given. Because I have 2 boys of my own, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, it was all about it being a girl. I even wore pink everyday in the hopes that my wardrobe would somehow influence the sex of my child! My daily motto was "It better be a girl!", instead of "All I want is a healthy child, boy or girl". I complained about lack of sleep, and eating too much, and feeling sick, and my pants getting too tight. So part of me feels like I didn't appreciate the fact that I was pregnant, I wanted a girl and that's all I wanted, so God took my child because I didn't appreciate it. These thoughts run through my head a hundred times a day and it's driving me crazy! Logically I know it's not true, but I guess I've never been partial to logic.
So in desperation I found BB and started reading about all these women going through the same thing as I am. And I found hope in YOUR stories. Especially the ones that got pregnant again right away. My Dr. told me to wait at least 2 months, but he also wouldn't give me the u/s I asked for that could have shown me any problems I was having! I don't feel like I'll be happy until I get pregnant again! And even then, I'll be stressed out throughout the first trimester. But I'd rather take a chance that I'll get pregnant right away and everything will be fine, than to wait for 2 months! By the way, my Dr. ran all kinds of blood tests to make sure there wasn't some genetic reason that made my body miscarry, and those tests came back normal. He felt it was possibly hormonal, and after next month wants me to start taking hormones and a baby aspirin every day to possibly prevent this from happening again. Still going to do all that, but maybe I'll get lucky before then! I know that it will happen whenever it's supposed to, and when it does ALL I pray is that it will be healthy--boy or girl!
Thanks to all of you for your stories, and thanks for listening to mine. I somehow feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I pray for all of you to find peace.

Jen -
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby.
Please remember that nothing you said, did or thought made this happen! It is unfortunately, one of those sad and unfortunate things that happen.
I am keeping my everything crossed for you to have another happy and healthy pregnancy when you're ready.
Hugs :hug:
Lisa

Jen, I am so sorry to read of your loss.
Don't beat yourself up about you wanting a girl and complaining while you were pregnant. We have all done the same thing. Before I lost my son Luke I was secretly hoping I was having another girl. You would have thought I would have known better as I had already experienced a third trimester loss. When he died I was so guilty. I thought it was karma. I had been wishing for a girl so my little boy had not felt wanted.
I soon realised that this was all part of my grief and I certainly didn't cause his death just by wanting a nother girl.
Be kind to yourself. It won't ever go away but it will get better. And there are some wonderful women on this site to help you along the way.

Hugs,
Debbie

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby. Take the time to grieve and only you will know when it is time to try again. Take care :hug:

sorry to hear of your loss,just take one day at a time , sending you a big hug , we are all hear for you.

Lisa--Thanks for the hugs and well-wishes! I also have a Noah, but mines almost 7. I really appreciate the encouragement.

Angel Babies 3--Can't imagine a 3rd trimester loss--I'm so sorry for you! Thanks for helping me feel a little less guilty. Logically I know you're right, it's just hard to get past that little voice in my head that constantly questions everything I said and did (or didn't do). Thanks for understanding!

xmuginsx--Congrats on being 6 wks.! I wish you great health and luck. Thanks for the support!

Lynn--Thanks for listening to my story and taking the time to respond. I had butterflies in my stomach this morning wondering if anyone responded to my story. It's amazing how a terrible tragedy can bring strangers together to help each other cope. Thanks for the positive thoughts!

bettyboop--Thanks for the hug--I could almost swear that I felt it! Wishing you luck on TTC!

Hi Jen
Big hugs:hug:
I really understand. I blamed myself(my thoughts, eating at sandwich shop etc), then my DH for my miscarriage.
I also lost my baby at home but things went bad for me, and just kept on getting worse.
I hope the hormones work and you get a BFP very soon.
I was trying to fall preg for a while, then I started to eat like I was pregnant as I (and the kids) had a bad case of food poisoning from a sandwich shop.

Good luck
Take care
Chris

Jen
I'm so sorry for your loss, :hugs: :hugs: I had something similar happen too - baby passed away and my body held onto it for 3.5 weeks. I had even started wearing some maternity clothes. It was just unbelieveable that I had m/c when I found out at first OB appt. I ended up having a D&C.

My dr told me I could try again straight away - even after D&C. I think the reason that most Drs say to wait is for dating purposes of a new pg and some say for emotional healing of the mum. I think that you just go with what is best for you - it's really not your doctor's decision. They can always do a dating scan to determine how far along a pregnancy is if they are unsure.

chris--Thank you so much for the hugs and understanding!

snowie--So sorry for your losses! I pray all your hopes and dreams come true! I decided the week after my m/c to not necessarily TTC, but to not follow my Dr's advise and try to prevent it. I read that a woman could ovulate 10 days after a m/c. Had unprotected naughtyness (IYKWIM!) a couple times before I even knew it was a possibility. I keep hoping that just maybe... but don't really want to put it into words, cuz I don't want to jinx myself. My Dr. called last Fri. to tell me that my pregnancy hormone was still at 15, and I have to re-test next thurs. Really hoping by then the number has gone up!!! Trying not to get my hopes up too much, because my pessimistic side tells me I'm just not that lucky. Keeping everything crossed--for both of us!

So sorry for your loss hun. I will be praying for you during this hard time. It is so easy to blame ourselves but nothing you did could have caused a loss. You will one day have a beautiful little baby to hold in your arms. After loosing my baby at 24 wks I thought that was it but I now have a 5 month old baby girl and she has brought so much joy to our family, it will happen to you too.
Hugs,
Dianne

Does anyone know how long it's supposed to take for the pregnancy hormone to go back down to 0 after m/c? Tested last Thurs. 20th, still at 15 (m/c on 5th). Is it common for it to take so long? I've read some threads where women were already down to 0 at time of m/c. Also wondering if it has to be at 0 in order to get pg again?

diannescruffy--Thanks for the encouragement and prayers! So sorry for your loss at 24 wks.--I couldn't even image how hard that must have been. So grateful you got your beautiful daughter in the end!