Jen805--My story
I'm a newbie to this site and just want to say first of all that I'm so grateful to all the women who have the courage to tell their stories. I've avoided telling my story in the hopes that if I don't talk about it, it will just go away like a bad dream. I feel compelled after reading the other stories to tell mine, because I've found a lot of peace in knowing that I'm not alone in this, and maybe I can help someone else deal with their pain.
I found out in January that I was pregnant. I have two sons already, one 14 the other will be 7 in April. I also have 2 step daughters, 14 and 11. We were all thrilled with the results. We told everyone as soon as we found out, not thinking that there may be a problem. I did have 3 m/c in the past, one was a blighted ovum--but they were all before I had my 7 yr. old, so my Dr. wasn't concerned with giving me an early u/s. I had asked him at my 8 wk. appt. for an ultrasound since it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but he felt that since my last pregnancy was fine, things would be ok. He said at my next appt., which was set for March 4, if we didn't hear a heartbeat we would do an ultrasound. I started spotting on Mar. 3, but wasn't too worried since it started after intercourse, and it's common to spot afterwards. Spotting still going on the next day, and while it wasn't heavier, it just hadn't stopped, so I started to worry. I called my Dr. who told me to relax and put my feet up, and he would see me the next day. Within an hour the spotting started getting heavier, and I knew something wasn't right. Called the Dr. back and he sent me for an u/s. When I went for the u/s, we could tell by the way the tech was acting that something wasn't right. At the end I got to see my baby on the monitor, and thought that it looked much smaller than it should be. The sent me back to my Dr. who gave me the news that no woman ever wants to hear. They could find no heartbeat and the baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. It was surreal because my body still looked and acted like it was pregnant, even though for 5 weeks my baby was desinigrating inside of me. The Dr. felt that I didn't need a D & C, but that if I didn't "pass it" by Thur. 6th (my b-day) then they would go ahead and do it. M/C happened on the 5th (happy b-day to me). Had to run a couple errands with my 7 year old and all of a sudden I was having full-on contractions 1 minute apart! Thank God his friend came by after we got home and they went out to play. I was stuck on the toilet with contractions in my stomach and back--just like a regular delivery, but without the precious gift of a child at the end.
Of course I've had all the guilty feelings that I'm sure everyone who reads this can relate to. Everyone's telling me I did nothing wrong, that it wasn't my fault, that there was something wrong with the baby that made this happen.... While I'm thinking that it's all because I didn't appreciate the gift that I had been given. Because I have 2 boys of my own, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, it was all about it being a girl. I even wore pink everyday in the hopes that my wardrobe would somehow influence the sex of my child! My daily motto was "It better be a girl!", instead of "All I want is a healthy child, boy or girl". I complained about lack of sleep, and eating too much, and feeling sick, and my pants getting too tight. So part of me feels like I didn't appreciate the fact that I was pregnant, I wanted a girl and that's all I wanted, so God took my child because I didn't appreciate it. These thoughts run through my head a hundred times a day and it's driving me crazy! Logically I know it's not true, but I guess I've never been partial to logic.
So in desperation I found BB and started reading about all these women going through the same thing as I am. And I found hope in YOUR stories. Especially the ones that got pregnant again right away. My Dr. told me to wait at least 2 months, but he also wouldn't give me the u/s I asked for that could have shown me any problems I was having! I don't feel like I'll be happy until I get pregnant again! And even then, I'll be stressed out throughout the first trimester. But I'd rather take a chance that I'll get pregnant right away and everything will be fine, than to wait for 2 months! By the way, my Dr. ran all kinds of blood tests to make sure there wasn't some genetic reason that made my body miscarry, and those tests came back normal. He felt it was possibly hormonal, and after next month wants me to start taking hormones and a baby aspirin every day to possibly prevent this from happening again. Still going to do all that, but maybe I'll get lucky before then! I know that it will happen whenever it's supposed to, and when it does ALL I pray is that it will be healthy--boy or girl!
Thanks to all of you for your stories, and thanks for listening to mine. I somehow feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I pray for all of you to find peace.
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