I wish I'd had a doula...

I know wishing won't help now, but I wanted to post. Hopefully someone who isn't sure if they want a doula or not will make the decision to have one at the birth.

I'm sure it would have made a difference. Shel and I were talking last night about the birth, and I realised. I got no support from my midwives. Yes they were there, it was comforting to have them there, and the fact that they were the ones who saw me throughout the whole pregnancy was great, I trusted them. But they weren't there when I needed them. They weren't there when I couldn't find the right position to labour in, they weren't there when I needed suggestions, they weren't there when I couldn't see the end. Shel told me they never suggested the bath or shower, and they never helped when I didn't know how to use the shower (might seem silly but I just couldn't work out where it would give me the most relaxation). Shel tried to give me massage, but we couldn't work out where it would be most effective, the midwife offered no suggestions.

I remember my midwives saying very few things to me. I do remember them saying "have you thought about pain relief". So on their recommendation I used the gas. She set the bed up for me. I layed on the bed making myself sick with the gas, which didn't even work anyway... She never suggested moving somewhere else. My labour slowed down so she recommended the drip. Once she put the drip in she said I should have moved around, and thats why my labour stalled :( At 4am, my midwife also said I should be pushing my baby out by 8am. 8am came, I hadn't dilated despite being on the drip, and I became hysterical. Again i couldn't see the end. Wasn't I supposed to be pushing? Shouldn't I be closer to meeting my baby? My midwife suggested an epidural as I was hysterical. She tried to calm me down first, by saying "calm down". Obviously, it didn't work. I had the epidural. I begged for the epidural, something Shel laughs about but it makes me so sad that everything I had hoped for vanished. Eventually I was fully dilated, and instructed to push. I couldn't feel her coming down, thanks to the epidural, but i had excruiating pain in my hip. I had to have a c/s, where it was discovered Jazz was stuck sideways. Had my midwife encouraged me to move, at the beginning of the labour, perhaps Jazz would have moved down into a better spot?

I KNEW that, from all the reading I did, but in the middle of labour everything I read just flew out of the window. How was I supposed to remember it all while I was feeling the deepest pain I'd ever felt?

I wish I'd had a doula. I wish I'd had someone there who could have walked with me. Someone who could have reminded me that this WOULD end evenutally. Someone who could have made suggestions, who could have pushed me to keep moving, who could have reminded me of the plans I wanted, and the consequences of not moving, the conequences of the drip, of the gas, or the epidural..... someone who was there for ME. Someone who wouldn't keep me on the clock. Someone who wasn't trying to get me in and out. Ultiamtely, I wish I'd had a doula who could have stopped me going to hospital so early. Who could have supported me at home for a bit.

Its hurt to write this, but I needed to. I needed to for me, and for someone else. I wish I'd had a doula. Thats all I wanted to say. I wish someone had been there for me and me alone. I wish someone had walked with me through the whole thing, instead of skipping in and out to add chemicals to my body and then leave. I wish I'd had a doula..... Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but I wish I'd had someone there for me.

Big hugs Leasha... :comfort:

It may have made a difference and next time you can choose to have a Doula or Wise Woman to support you. I understand how hurt and disappointed you are - you are right to feel the way you are.

I hope you can work through those feelings in time - we are here to help you as you unpack it all.

Sending you my love and support.... :hug:

:hug: Leasha, I am so sorry that you didn't get the birth you wanted. But don't be hard on yourself. You were so much better prepared than most women having their first bub. You should be proud of yourself.

I think what you are saying is really important for others, so thank you for posting it. Being informed before hand is really important. And hospital ante-natal classes do not do that. You really need to do your own reading etc. BUT, even with the best of prep, you need the right support during labour. I know that I had no ability to make decisions etc while in labour. I was just so focussed on getting through one contraction after another. I am sure if a mw or ob told me to jump off a building I probably would have. I really just followed instructions without processing them. That "logical" part of my brain was totally switched off. And this is why a good support person can make a big difference.

I would also say to you, that it is pretty common to be less satisfied with your first birth than with subsequent births. There are some things that you can only learn from experience. My second birth was way better than my first, and it was mostly due to what I had learnt the first time. Now that you have been through it once, I'll bet that if you have any more babies, you'll be able to improve on this birthing experience.

I hope that you are able to process all these emotions and in time, feel better about it. :hug:

Sorry to hear of your disappointment Leasha :hug:

Thank you however for posting this, it's making me think more about having a Doula at my birth.... something i've been so undecided about and still talking to DH about it... he's happy either way I guess it's something I need to decide for myself.
I know DH will be a wonderful support person for me but having someone else there when it gets tough for me would be so beneficial also.

Don't be too hard on yourself hun :hug:

I just wanted to drop off a big big :hug: for you honey

:hug: Leasha, I know exactly how you feel and I also think that a doula would have made such a difference to the outcome of the birth of my DD. I have got one for this time as I feel the same way as you - this time I want someone there who knows those things and who can be there for me.

I have to agree with Ren - thanks for posting this, I'm just like her, undecided as to who to have at my labour.

My sister had a fantastic MW, but she only came on duty at 2pm and with her help my niece was born at about 4.45pm. I think if she hadn't been there, my sister's outcome may have been different. And as you say they aren't all great...

I think I will talk to my Obs about this. See what she thinks about doulas. I know I want DH and I was thinking about having my mum too - but neither of them brings the experience that a doula does, in knowing when to walk, when to sit, when to rock, when to shower, etc. Or suggestions on how to move bubba if she gets stuck.

Thanks Leasha, for giving me something to think about.

Big :hug:

First of all Leasha - BIG HUGS :hug:.

Second, thank you so much for posting this. I know how prepared you were for the birth. I followed your blog and your posts and I saw the amount of questions you asked and all of the info you gained. I was so surprised to learn that you had a c-section after 40 hours of labour. I couldn't believe it had happened so someone who was so prepared and ready for birth. Now I know that no amount of research can give you the perfect birth. It's posts like this that will help shape my own birth decisions.

Thank you for being an inspiration and for sharing your experience. :)

Leasha

so sorry to hear it didn't work out as you'd planned even after all your research etc. :comfort:

I too am like a couple of the other girls and been curious and wondering about a doula, thank you for sharing and hope there are happier times for you and your new family.

x

Leasha...you did the best you could and that's all anyone can ask of you...and all you can ask of yourself :hugs:

As manta mentioned, first births are such a "learning curve". In no way do I mean that to diminish what you've experienced, because so many women experience the same thing. It's very, very hard to get your head around exactly what you're going to need in labour before you've done it. People can tell you but without that experience to draw on it really doesn't make alot of sense.

What's most disappointing is that caregivers are often completely oblivious to what a labouring woman needs as it was in your case. I've had lots of my mums relate their obstetricians responses when they've told them they're having a doula "what a waste of money", "what do you need her for that's what midwives do" "WE'RE here to take care of you emotionally too"...the whole gammut. But with the way birth units are set up they can't. They can't sit with a woman and her partner through every single contraction until her baby is born no matter how much they want to. Birth support is a skill, and most partners don't get the opportunity to learn really useful birth support skills either, especially not if they've only taken hospital classes. So what happens is that the people with the knowledge don't have the time or resources to support you, and the ones with all the time in the world (partners/other support people) don't have the knowledge. So poor mum is left floundering with people all around her and no real support.

Keep talking about your birth leasha it's really important that you work through what you feel.

leasha- i feel quite similar about my ds's birth. dp and i were completely out of our depth. we're doing it differently this time though. the doula is all booked in and ready to go! my ob is very positive and excited about working with her, and i'm feeling a lot more positive.

Oh sweets :hug: we are all coming out of the woodwork... Sad really though isn't it how many of us feel so confident in the "system" and get let down. My midwives were the same - we went through 3 shifts of them during my labour and all of them were lovely but pretty useless. They were there to monitor the oxytocin, bubs heartrate and write notes about it all but not much else. :(
Now this time around - I have the gorgeous Kelly supporting me and I know that this birth will be far different. Having said that though - it doesn't take away all the feelings you have about your first birth and it is great that you can vent here hun, share and grieve - it is a long process but you are well supported by many of us who have been there and still going through that process too. :hug:

:hug: to you hun.

Your post highlights one of the most important yet often forgotten or glossed over aspects of childbirth. You can learn EVERYTHING about how labour works, about exactly what happens chemically, muscularly, for both you and babe. But you cannot know how YOU will be in labour.

I remember the feeling of being in labour so well. I felt stupid, i felt desperate. I was compliant and distracted. It was clear - my baby was using my body now and i had been moved RIGHT OUT OF THE WAY. It was like the world and my body were beyond thick glass, and all i could do is watch.

Luckily for me, i had been through some physical challenges before, and i planned for incredible mental and emotional weakness and inability to think or act on my own part. Without my 2 miscarriages, especially the second, which involved 5 hours of continuous excrutiating back and pelvic pain and heavy bleeding, i would have assumed that i would be FAR stronger in labour than i was. During that miscarriage i wouldn't go to hospital until my mother phoned and told me to (i was 23!). I believed the doctor who didn't even examine me before giving his diagnosis that it was some crazy complication of the Pill (which i hadn't taken for over 9 months!) and i was generally a miserable thing, agreeing with everything anyone said, even if they were contradicting themSELVES! Only AFTER the loss did i beging to return to my senses, accept what had happened wasn't my imagination.

I planned my low intervention birth not by knowing what to say "no" to, but by not being in a place where intervention could be offered. I used the gas, which i was dead against, because a midwife put the mouthpiece in my hand. Next time i will be removing the mouthpiece from the birth kit and hiding it! I thank g-d my DD came so quickly after the midwives arrived. Another few hours and i know i'd have had the morphine in my fridge too. Not because i needed it, not because i wanted it, but because they would have offered it and i wouldn't have had the wherewithal to decline.

It is a (deeply unfunny) joke to me how many women on here state how they signed forms, or had options discussed "between contractions" - as if ANYone is thinking straight between late first stage contractions! I understand that the medical system of clarification and consent works, but i can see how completely it fails to work for labouring women.

I'm so sorry Leasha, without doubt your sort of birth is way harder on the woman who DID educate herself because the missing information, the information on how YOU would be/feel/act during labour, the information of how it ACTUALLY feels to be the labouring woman and how the midwives will ACTUALLY treat you (mine were faily useless too, but too late to do much damage thankfully) is something there is no way to get in advance, and yet now you are forced to be haunted by the fact that all the things you got you KNEW you didn't want but at the time the knowledge makes no difference.

It is incredibly possible that as you wonder, your birth could have been very different without those influences. But that's NOT a sad thing, it's a happy thing!!! Do you know how many women NEVER realise how much more could have been done for them (and by them in some cases)? How many women have less children than they wanted or several horrific birth experiences they'd rather never ever think about? But you, well, just look, already thinking about how to improve your experience next time, how to help other women trying to get a good birth experience. It seems to me you're the sort of person who when you know better you do better, and that sort of humility and determination is pretty rare hun.

Bx

Thanks Leasha for starting this thread!

My DH and I are 100% adamant that next time around we'll have a doula. I wish wish and truly wish that i had one for my DD's birth. if i could turn back the clocks i would. as hoobley mentioned, no one can give true consent in between contractions. i was given peth injection in between a contraction without my consent. i had said no 3 times during a contraction and when it was over i rolled to the side (i was still having the darn fetal monitoring that hospitals always do when you are admitted...) and i closed my eyes and felt a sharp jab. no one was there to stop her (they sent DH home a couple of hours earlier and were refusing to call him for me). I NEEDED a professional, yet caring person there that new the business of birth and knew what hospitals and overworked staff can do when given opportunities (this goes for m/w's as well as obs) to just 'shut up' a woman in labour and could act as my protector during a time when you and your baby can be very vulnerable.

and like others have posted, no one told me how to use the shower. i just kinda stood there or would crouch or lean on the chair, on my own. but i didnt know how (at that stage you cant think, you just act) to get to work for me so gave up after 30 minutes.

My DH was really lovely, but the support he could offer was limited. this was his first baby and birth experience too. we both had so much to learn. birth and the arrival of our babies is one of the most amazing, empowering and awe inspiring moments (OMG my body is doing this for us!! kinda thing) but it is the overwhelming part that tends to be left out of ante natal education. no one tells you that after a relatively short period of active labour, the mind shuts down into action mode and you need loads of support and people to hit the ground running and have things ready for you so you dont need to be distracted by anything other than helping your baby to make their debut!

If i could scream it from the rooftops i would! have a doula, wise woman, ind. w/w. have someone there that can be your rock and advocate.

sorry for the long post!