I know wishing won't help now, but I wanted to post. Hopefully someone who isn't sure if they want a doula or not will make the decision to have one at the birth.

I'm sure it would have made a difference. Shel and I were talking last night about the birth, and I realised. I got no support from my midwives. Yes they were there, it was comforting to have them there, and the fact that they were the ones who saw me throughout the whole pregnancy was great, I trusted them. But they weren't there when I needed them. They weren't there when I couldn't find the right position to labour in, they weren't there when I needed suggestions, they weren't there when I couldn't see the end. Shel told me they never suggested the bath or shower, and they never helped when I didn't know how to use the shower (might seem silly but I just couldn't work out where it would give me the most relaxation). Shel tried to give me massage, but we couldn't work out where it would be most effective, the midwife offered no suggestions.

I remember my midwives saying very few things to me. I do remember them saying "have you thought about pain relief". So on their recommendation I used the gas. She set the bed up for me. I layed on the bed making myself sick with the gas, which didn't even work anyway... She never suggested moving somewhere else. My labour slowed down so she recommended the drip. Once she put the drip in she said I should have moved around, and thats why my labour stalled At 4am, my midwife also said I should be pushing my baby out by 8am. 8am came, I hadn't dilated despite being on the drip, and I became hysterical. Again i couldn't see the end. Wasn't I supposed to be pushing? Shouldn't I be closer to meeting my baby? My midwife suggested an epidural as I was hysterical. She tried to calm me down first, by saying "calm down". Obviously, it didn't work. I had the epidural. I begged for the epidural, something Shel laughs about but it makes me so sad that everything I had hoped for vanished. Eventually I was fully dilated, and instructed to push. I couldn't feel her coming down, thanks to the epidural, but i had excruiating pain in my hip. I had to have a c/s, where it was discovered Jazz was stuck sideways. Had my midwife encouraged me to move, at the beginning of the labour, perhaps Jazz would have moved down into a better spot?

I KNEW that, from all the reading I did, but in the middle of labour everything I read just flew out of the window. How was I supposed to remember it all while I was feeling the deepest pain I'd ever felt?

I wish I'd had a doula. I wish I'd had someone there who could have walked with me. Someone who could have reminded me that this WOULD end evenutally. Someone who could have made suggestions, who could have pushed me to keep moving, who could have reminded me of the plans I wanted, and the consequences of not moving, the conequences of the drip, of the gas, or the epidural..... someone who was there for ME. Someone who wouldn't keep me on the clock. Someone who wasn't trying to get me in and out. Ultiamtely, I wish I'd had a doula who could have stopped me going to hospital so early. Who could have supported me at home for a bit.

Its hurt to write this, but I needed to. I needed to for me, and for someone else. I wish I'd had a doula. Thats all I wanted to say. I wish someone had been there for me and me alone. I wish someone had walked with me through the whole thing, instead of skipping in and out to add chemicals to my body and then leave. I wish I'd had a doula..... Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but I wish I'd had someone there for me.