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Hi guys,
We've decided to start this thread for all the mums (like myself) who had an attempt at a VBAC, but ended up with a caesarean. It's not just for the mums that laboured before having their C/S but for the ones that were stuck with an "elective" cesarean for some reason or other. This is a place for us to grieve together, to share the loss of a dream that never came to fruition and to help each other heal.
So come & chat, tell us your story......
Six months on....
I'm still angry at my body that didn't do what it was supposed to do. I won't try for another vaginal birth because of it, I just can't trust that my body will get past 9cm. Twice it had the chance and twice it failed me. I keep going back & forth thinking that I really really should try a VBA2C but I just can't have the faith in my body to get past the hurdle of 10cm.......
Oh, just remembered the other thing -
Last weekend I was talking to my sister & she was saying how my cousin (had her baby 2 weeks after me) was back in her size 10 jeans walking round the ward about 3 hours after birth.... Yeah, three hours after birth I had seen my baby for about 2 minutes, she was all wrapped up & I could only just see her face. I had a cathetar, drip, 1/2 hourly obs due to blood loss & was numb from the chest down. I still grieve for that time that I was away from my baby.
WONDERFUL thread Sarah.... I think we really need it. :( Will be back when I can but thank you so much, not many people "get it" really and there are more of us out there than we think.
You're most definitely welcome Tan :hug:
Thanks for the thread Sarah - you're a gorgeous woman and i love ya!!! *mwah*
Hmm.. ok... most people know my story anyway.
C/S with DS because I didn't have the faith - or knowledge - in my own body that I would be able to do it - so took my sister's path - and chose to have an elective c/section for no medical reason.
Four months after his birth - it hit me like a brick wall that it was not the right path I had chosen. I did not bond with my son - and still to this day, have trouble connecting with him. I did not breast feed either, and didn't feel guilty - hey, I had no connection to this child, why would I feel bad?
After first C/S recovery wasn't too bad - had a horrible epidural experience first time round and then allergic reaction to the morphine made me chuck up all the time, was worried about busting my staples.
So I was SOOOOO determined not to repeat that experience. I had nothing to be scared of, never the fear that my body couldn't do it, cos I hadn't done it before.
Got pregnant when DS was 9 months old. Determined to VBAC, I lined up an excellent OB and knew my hospital was very pro-VBAC.
For some reason, DD decided to stay there, two weeks late and no sign of moving. No prelabour, no sign of anything happening whatsoever. Cord was failing, placenta was deteriorating, best to do a c/section.
I have many regrets about not trying hard enough before 42 weeks to do more of the old wives tales to try to bring on labour. I didn't give it my all to try to bring it on, thats what disappoints me. I hate the fact that I have long babies, and a short midsection, so they get lodged in my ribs and are hard to get out. I had bruising on my chest from the two doctors pushing down in surgery to try to get her out because she was stuck in there so much.
I hate the fact that I couldn't do anything for the first week after the section, I hate the fact that I got an infection in my uterus that laid me up for a month and might have ruined my chances for further pregnancies.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to be disappointed the next time. Next time, I'm getting my bloody VBAC - and thats THAT.
Dude (:p) go back & read the threads from the days / weeks before Mehkelti was born. I think you've forgotten all the work you put into getting her out....:
WOOHOOOOO!! Go girl :clap::
:bump:
How about I pose a question.... Do you feel your second c/s was necessary? I know a lot of us have decided our first wasn't, but what about your second?
I'm a bit unsure to be honest. From what I remember (and also with Aaron's help) the reason I had my second c/s was due to the amount of blood I was losing & the pain I was in. I think they were starting to worry about a rupture.... I ended up losing just under 1.5L and was borderline for a transfusion. I think positioning was also a problem - Juliette had her head slightly tilted to the side & her hand up next to her face. I did everything I possibly could to get her into a good position, but there's nothing you can do to stop them tilting their heads & moving their hands about!
Sarah - good question. At the time, I think, in my case anyway, it was easier to opt for the second c-section.
I kick myself now for even wanting to try and see if we could get things moving at the hospital that night - my cervix was dilated a little, so she may have been able to break my waters or something - so I could see if my body COULD labour (who knows now, never given the chance)
But I was scared about the cord and placenta - my OB was never as serious about all our other talks as she was that night, and I could tell she was genuinely worried also. BUT, I have had the thought, if it was so concerning - why didnt they take me in for a c-section straight away??!?! Why make me wait 14 hours?!!
So I dunno :dunno:
I think I should have tried harder.
Mmmmm I don't wanna answer that yet because sadly I think the answer is no. :crying: I know that the pressure from DH was pretty immense by then, the ob did the whole, "something can happen suddenly to the baby even if you have monitoring in the morning, by afternoon you might not know something has happened" which scared DH and me too. I felt a little selfish at times for pushing so hard for a VBAC you know - like it was something I shouldn't be doing, and god forbid if something went wrong I would never forgive myself.
Having said all that, I wonder lots of things like, I was 3cms dilated, I was having irregular contractions, stuff was happening, then on the other hand, he was BIG, he was never engaged and neither was Izzy even at 9cms, is my pelvis a bit "out", are my babies too big for me? etc.... I know all the we make babies the right size etc but you gotta wonder.
I also know even now 6 weeks on that I am still terribly sad and I know we won't go again. :( Getting there slowly though.
Hi all
I would like to think that this post belongs here. I am currently pregnant with my 4th child and was really hoping for a VBAC. A bit of background. Our eldest daughter was born vaginally in 98, our second daughter was born in May 02 by c -section for distress at just over 38 weeks (sadly this was warrented as our daughter was born with a number of undetected birth defects and only lived for 3 days, I strongly believe that she would not have survived a vaginal bith and am for ever greatful for the 3 days we had) and our son was born in May by c-section at 38 weeks, this was elective, I was petrified of him dying during the birth (I was encouraged by the hospital to try for a VBAC but was not in the right mental space). Here I am now 39 weeks pregnant with a breech baby. I had been attending the NBAC clinic at King Edward but was referred back to the normal clinic because of her positioning. I feel so disappointed that it is looing as though I will not get to attempt my VBAC. I have been so excited, doing all my research and preparing myself for Labour and now I just feel sad. To be honest today is the first day that I have accepted that she might not turn. I have not told any one about my booked C-section because I was expecting her to turn..I have tried positioning, accupuncture and regular visits to the chiro. She is my most active baby but is comfy where she is. It has been suggested that the fear of not getting a healthy baby might be whats holding me back, and perhaps it is, thats just the way it is. I'm not excited (everyone keeps asking me if I am) but I'm not. I'm petrified! I have moments of joy when I imagine what it will be like when she gets here (the feeding, co sleeping, cuddles and feeling more complete as a family) but the thought of getting her here safe and well is almost overwhelming. Sorry about the rant, it is nice for me to acknowlege my feelings honestly. C-section booked for Tues, cross your fingers for me.
thinkpink - sorry I didn't see this earlier. I hope your c-section went well today.
I was in bed the other night thinking of why I feel that I need a third child so badly at the moment. and you know what.. its not that I want another child at the moment.. its that I want to go back in time and do it over. I want that so much I cry just thinking about it.
:cry:
I really really really want to go back in time and do it....
Awwww Mel :hug: I hear you. When I think of having a third I know that I never will but I just get that sad feeling too and just want to experience birth and know that I never will. You though my love, will have more babies, and can have a VBA2C. You did everything you could, I know you forget, and I do too, but we did everything hun - these babies are just stubborn little things and we will get to a point where we accept it..... I think..... :) Bah - who am I to give advice when I should be taking it. You know Im with you though hun.
My SIL is in labour today... first bub one week early. Is it selfish to be sad and happy at the same time. I am ecstatically happy for them, they live in Canada so we are sad we won't get to see bub for a few months too and share this time with them, but I went through all the grief of not birthing my babies again this morning when they called to say she is 9cms. :( Going to be a tough day I think with many mixed feelings.
:hug: :comfort:
Nope. You're still grieving. Just let yourself feel whatever you do - and don't worry what anyone else thinks - cos we get ya.
If you need to talk to someone - I'm here - and you have my number!!! :hug:
I am very impressed with this thread! I had 2 c-sections - one in 1990 and one in 1992. I am pregnant and facing my 3rd. The grief over the first 2 was profound at times and took a couple of years to heal. I am not afraid of having another and I think I can hear in other posts the sense of anxiety about VBACs. It is facing something completely unknown! I have never experienced labour and i dont trust my body!!
Thankyou all for your honesty by the way - this is a hard topic and needs airing.
I had a prem labour scare on Saturday after the scorching heat and am confined to bed. It was the first time i had experienced strong and regular contractions. I started wondering if I could actually deliver a baby naturally - reason for first cs was 9lb baby in footling breech stuck under ribcage (like previous post), 2nd cs was due to prem rupture of membranes but no progress and cephalopelvic disproportion. So I thought "If she was small enough maybe I could do it". But then all the doubt and fear overwhelms and I think "stick with what you know".
One thing that helped me years ago was being the support person for a 16 year old girl who had a protracted and difficult labour and dleivered a 9lb 5oz baby. I was with her in the pain for 36 hours and I didn't feel so gushy about labour after that.
:rolleyes:
Sure that is great. I wish i was similarly determined. I guess part of the worry for me is being 40 now and although I think I'm fitter than I was at 23 I'm not sure about recovery and am a bit worried about birth trauma. Still considering it though as i was told by my ob that if I go into labour prematurely again they will wait until I am in full labour before doing the cs - so it may be then that I decide.;)
I have had one VB, but it was'nt the dreamy kind of birth that others talk about it was long painful and traumatic, the kind of birth that makes it difficult to face a pregnancy let alone another VB.
3 MCs later I found myslef pregnant with DS4 all well and good up until the birth, no reason not to try for a VB I was absolutly terrified!!!! It ended up my waters broke but I did'nt go into labour 24 hours later still nothing happening so I was induced, DS got itno distress at the first sign of a contraction so a CS was decided upon. Very weird how I was so terrified of labour but when it came to a CS I felt completely ripped off.
6 months later I was pregnant with DD I decided from the start I was going to VBAC I read as much as I could I decided that I could do this, my doc was very accomodating and let me go overdue 14 days, with no pressure of cs on my mind. I had a show about a week before my labour started and everything progressed really well until I was 8 cm, when DD started to show signs of distress....we continued on but after another 4 hours and no further progress a CS was ordered, I remember feeling so disappointed and nearly asked for more time, but I realised my doc had given me the best chance possible and was'nt about to rob me at this stage unless he really felt there was no option. (DD was a big baby nearly 10 pound and long, she had a groove around her head where she had deflected her head because she knew she was'nt going to fit)
Fastforward another 3 years impending arrival of my last DD had a good painfree pregnancy, baby was in a good postion a regular size. This time against docs advice (Because of age and previous history) I had decided that yet again I was going to try.
I felt like this might just be the one!!!!!:pray: by this time I had laboured 3 times had had 6 MCs. My body could labour and I had VB, I had to try. I booked in a CS JIC as my doc was leaving, but did everything I could to go into labour early. After an afternoon AP session it all started to happen that evening, but my regular, long, strong contractions and lots of pressure in my back and backside failed to get me past 3 cms dilated, I just knew, it was'nt going the way it needed too.....In the end I was scared and begged for the CS to be preformed, I did'nt want to risk lossing my baby, it was'nt happening like it should, not fast enough. This time I had my CS birth plan on hand as well and was able to have my DH and baby with me at all times feed straight away and have a very strong bond with my babe.
I have to say that I do feel like I failed, with my C-sections inability to produce enough breast milk for my babes which means that I have to comp and my babes decide that they prefer the bottle over the hard work of getting milk from me (except my special little monkey who loves to BF only takes the bottle because she has too!!) and even with my drug free VB.
I tried so hard to have the birth I wanted no drugs, dimmed lights delivered the placenta without injectioins etc, but it was a bloody awful, painful, posterior, drawn out labour that you would'nt wish on your worst enemy.:wall:
I am truly glad I did'nt have to do this in years gone by because my babes would have died and maybe even I would have???? I don't think any of my c-sections could have been changed without disaterious results, so I am happy that the decisions made were in the best of interests of me and my family, but .................................................. ......if only :think: :rolleyes: :think:
Then I look at my beautiful kids.
I felt very "gipped" that I didn't get my VBAC with DS2. I effectively wasn't really given a choice though. I was 8 days "overdue" according to their ultrasound dates (and on due date according to my LMP) when I started getting the typical signs of bad pre-eclampsia (frontal lobe headache, liver pain, shooting stars in my eyes). I was given an internal to see whether I was dilated at all enough to have my waters broken. The (I'm not being racist, just factual) tiny Asian registrar with tiny tiny hands couldn't even FIND my cervix, in fact she told me I'd have to wait until she found a doctor with bigger hands! When she did, I had an internal, the results of which were - your cervix is so high and closed I can't even get a fingertip in there, so no chance of ARM. In other words, no chance of "induction".
My "choice" was to have a c/s the next day, or to wait (with daily monitoring) up to another week to see what happened. My XH didn't even look at me - he said to the doctors "we'll have it tomorrow, that's more convenient for my work". Mind you, his work had been very flexible with time off etc so I don't see why it would have been a problem to wait. Further, this was the ONLY time that XH had come to any of my appointments, and then he gets to make the decision?
Let's just say that next time, if there is a next time, I will be EMPOWERED to make any decision that I want made - not for the convenience of the medical staff or my other half.
I still feel very angry at XH for doing what he did. I honestly feel I had absolutely no choice in the matter at all, and that now I've had 2 c/s (both with pre-eclampsia) my chances of having a VBA2C with p/e are practically nil. He took away my only chance for a natural birth and I can't seem to forgive him for that.
Sorry for the vent!