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For an article, can you please share any stories of when you have been given advice by friends, family or strangers which have made you feel guilty, insecure or inadequate? What did they say and how did you feel? How do you think that impacts on you and what you would like to do?
ARTICLE NOW COMPLETE: "But You're Doing It All Wrong..."
When Chelsea had her 6 month check-up with the MCHN, she had not gained a real lot of weight in the 8 weeks since last weigh in. I was telling the nurse that we hadnt started on solids as yet but was drinking 220ml bottles 4 time a day and that her sleeping was an issue. The nurse turned around and told me i must be doing it all wrong and the reason why she wasnt gaining weight was because and i quote 'You must be starving her, oh Chelsea is mummy starving you'?
I cried all the way home believing i had been starving DD when i hadnt....she was just an active child who wasnt interested in solids and i still didint fell 100% confortable with giving them. SHe has never been heavy...always gradual weight gain, the nurse herself said she is probably going to be a petite child most of her life. I felt like a failure and neglecting my child. SO i asked everyone that seen DD 'Does she look under fed to you?', to have everyone say 'Hell no'. I even asked my GP if she was healthy and right and he said of course she is, why do you ask. Told him and he said that you can go by everything the nurses tell you.
Now that i dont see that nurse cos she is always so busy and booked out, i have a great one. Makes me feel like the best mum in the world and is full of praise. Goes out of her way to help with any issues and listens!!!!
Kel I know that is is not what you are after but honestly nothing anyone has ever said to me has made me feel that way. There have been plenty of times I have felt guilty, insecure or inadequate, but it has always been because of something I have read which made me worry that Flynn wasn't doing what he should when he should or something similar. I don't know if I am thick skinned or just arrogantly secure in what I am doing with him, but if anything I think it comes from speaking to other mums and hearing their stories of being made to feel bad by things others have said that prepped me in advance to not get upset IYKWIM? I have heard so many negative stories about things my MIL said to my SIL for example, which I thought were all really stupid, that when she gave me advice I just shrugged off all her suggestions. Like she keeps telling me I should give Flynn Valergan (?) to get him to sleep better at night. I just think she's nuts even suggesting it, because I have it firmly planted in my mind that most babies DO NOT sleep 12 hours straight. Like I said, maybe arrogance, but I think it is more to do with empathy for other mums who have been given a hard time.
When my DS was 10 days old my Mum told me the reason that he was crying all the time was that my milk wasn't "strong enough" and that I should just stop bothering with breastfeeding and give him a bottle!
My MIL was great when Jack was born. So when she offered to come and stay when Tom was born we agreed (and paid for her airfares to boot). She was due to arrive on my birthday, 2 weeks before Tom was due. Tom then upset the apple cart by arriving 3.5 weeks early. DH paid more money to change MIL's flight so she arrived the day I got out of hossy.
After the first couple of days at home, Tom became colicky. He was crying a lot, day and night. MIL was downstairs, we were upstairs, but she kept saying she couldn't cope with the crying and she needed sleep. In one breath she told me I was "insane for feeding him so often" (this is after she overheard me telling my cleaner that he had been feeding every hour that morning - around the time of the 6 week fussy period) - in the next breath she told me I wasn't doing enough to stop him crying. She told me I was not thinking clearly and should be trying other things like formula and taking Tom to a GP as clearly he had reflux (this was in her mind as her niece's DD had just been diagnosed with reflux). I told her it wasn't reflux as he could lie down comfortably. I told her I had spoken to the child health 24 hour help line and the ABA 24 hour help line and she said "that's no good, he needs to go to a doctor. All you do when we ring the nurses is keep in them work" - WT??? The crunch was at 4am one morning when she stormed up the stairs and screamed at me "I need some sleep, you need to be a better mother and take that child to a doctor. And give him some formula. Why are you so stubborn? You don't know everything".
I bawled and bawled, I am crying now remembering. I had been such a confident Mum until that point. That turned me into a blubbering mess and made me start resenting Tom (lucky that didn't last long once I was getting some sleep again). My resentment towards MIL however remains. Why did she have to make me feel so bad at a time when I most needed emotional support? Why am I still crying about it?
Melanie,
Hugs hun, she sounds like a complete you-know-what.
Personally I can't think of anything atm....
Melanie, that's awful!
Here are a few from my mum that still hurt.
DS was 3-4m old: "He's not sleeping through? I wonder what you're doing wrong. You and your sister slept through from 8 weeks. I wish my mum were alive, all hers slept through from 6 weeks; she was good with babies." All that remains of that is that I'm doing something wrong and am bad with babies, in particular my baby. Of course, my mum has now remembered my sister was up all night until she was just over a year old and has backed off with the sleeping (DS now gives me ~6h a night in a stretch, 11h overall) but the "bad mother" label is all I hear now when we talk.
Compound that with "Is he good?" "Yes, he's perfect." "Oh, so when did he start sleeping through?" conversations with every stranger in the world (or so it seemed at that point) and I was so stressed DS's sleep was worse thanks to my upsets.
Then at 7m old (just 2w ago):
"You don't need to breastfeed that much, he should be on solids all day. You just had one feed at night when you were 7m old." I know I was the dream baby who just adapted to all my mum did, never bit, slept through, OK hated company but otherwise perfection as the media portrays it, but breastmilk is so much bbetter than solids for DS and I know this (I even do voluntry work as a scientific translator for a BFing charity) but the whole "you are doing it wrong" thing just makes me feel so inadequate as a mother, as if I am damaging my son and a complete failure.
MiL told me pre-birth the best advice she ever had was to start as you mean to go on. I did - demand feeding, no playing at night, cloth nappies, never letting DS cry... she keeps saying I need to think about how I mean to go on. Like this, believe it or not! But MiL doesn't upset me like my mum does.
I have been told that my baby is an emotional baby because he is breastfed. And if I stopped breastfeeding him then he would sleep better and stop crying :(
My XMIL phoned about 5 times a day for the first week for "updates". Inevitably she called at least once when DD was crying, and screamed "Get that baby on a BOTTLE for chirst's sake! You're obviously starving it!" and then gave me a lecture about "hungry cry" etc. Of course it was just the witching hour, DD's belly was plenty full, but it hurt. I gave the phone to XP and said "Tell your mother she needn't call anymore" but of course he didn't.
Bec
I can honestly say I was always confident with what I was doing with my kids until DD got to about 2 1/2 and wasn't toilet trained.
All of a sudden I had grandparents on both sides, friends, daycare - everyone - on my case about it and I honestly didn't have a clue what to do. We had tried and failed a few times and I knew in my gut that she wasn't ready, yet everyone else thought she should be.
A couple of weeks ago she got up one day and decided she wasn't wearing nappies anymore and was using the toilet so PFFT to them.
Oh and I also got a lot of "are you sure you have enough milk" and "maybe your milk isn't strong enough" when my breastfed DS wasn't sleeping :rolleyes:
Not really what you are after but..
While we were visiting a family member one time, when DD was about 14 weeks, I was cuddling/rocking her to sleep and this family member watched me for a while and then said (in the most patronising tone EVER) "Do you ALWAYS put her to sleep that way?" I felt embarrassed as if I was doing the unthinkable by rocking my bub to sleep..(A baby who is a refluxer and struggles to manage to sleep in any position anyway)..This person and her DH believe strongly in letting a baby cry itself to sleep, as their kids did. Which resulted in them kids sleeping through the night by 8 weeks..blah blah blah...(I am not critising that way of thinking but it's not what I want to do OK!)
And also being asked:
"How is she sleeping?" (DD that is)
I replied "Oh, still waking 3-5 times a night"
"How old is she now?"
I replied "16 weeks"
"Yeh, it's probably time to let her cry isn't it"
(NO!)
Ooohh I have so many I could fill a book!
Why is it that so many of these stories are about mothers to their daughters? Don't they remember how hard it was being a new mummy or mummy to a young child or new baby?? And also why so many about bf, again don't they remember what it was like? Surely they do!
Yes, my story is about bf and my mother...
Soon after my DD was born I went to the Dr as she was crying ALL day and not settling at all at any time of the day, I had her on me all day, trying to feed her, trying to settle her, trying to get her to sleep. I was at my wits end and was feeling really depressed. When I saw the Dr. she said she thought I didn't have enough milk and to give top ups after a bf. I did as I was told and that night DD slept through for 10hrs (for the first and last time!!). When I was talking to mum about it a few weeks after she said 'Well I told you, but you went all funny and weird. You wouldn't listen you just wanted to bf her. I didn't want to upset you. You know, I was good at bf'ing- I fed all of you until you were 9months at least. I fed your brother even though he was 9 weeks early and I had to travel on the train for an hour with a 14 month old toddler twice a day. And the nurses used to take my extra milk to feed the other premi babies... I used to have a shower and the milk would hit the wall 3 feet away! I just don't know why you're not good at it because I was! ' I felt like a bad enough mother for having starved my baby unknowingly for a week, let alone having her tell me she knew all along but didn't want to hurt my feelings....well geeze, maybe if you supported me and came over to help me (she lives a 10min drive up the street away and has been to my house 8 times in 2 1/2yrs and yes I have counted! ;) )maybe I would have been more successful. AND I am NOT you!! Grrrr... it makes me angry just remembering it, not to mention the fact that I have heard the story a thousand more times before and since. And now she is keeping at me for continuing with bf even though I need to comp. feed. She tells me I am wasting money even though I have told her that it is so much healthier for DD to have any bm, even if it is only a little bit. Besides the fact that I WANT to do it.
Another time at my Grandmothers house I was putting DD to sleep, rocking her in my arms and my nan said 'Do you always rock her like that?' I said 'Yep it's the only way she'll sleep without screaming.' Nan 'Ohh you're making a rod for you're own back you know you'll never be able to get her to sleep without it' Mum now pipes up and says 'She lets her sleep with her sometimes too!' Me (getting defensive) 'Only if she wakes up at 5am, its the only way we can sleep after then, otherwise we're up at 5.00' Nan 'Oh well we used to get up at that time, our generating had so much more to do we weren't lazy like your generation' (WTF??!!) She has no idea how lazy I am or not, I didn't tell her that I had been up five times prior to putting DD into my bad as a last ditch attempt to get more than an hours sleep at a time! So not only was I a bad mother 'making a rod for my own back', I was also lazy now as well as having nothing to do (with a new born...yeah right).
I could add more but I would be here forever....needless to say my mother often talks without thinking, even though she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and says she is thoughtful of what she says to me. I'd hate to hear her let fly and tell me what she's thinking...
i got the usual. I was feeding to much or not giving enough solids
but the most annoying ones are to do with toilet training
My eldest wasn't TT till 2 and a half and I was getting comments at 18 months. thankfully I was smarter to not let these comments bother me to much but it is knowing I was being spoken about behind my back that hurt
oh and that I am a chicken for not wanting to leave my baby or even my kids at the age they are at nowto go away on a holiday or out overnight. DH and I just don't want to
This could be a bit of a cliché, but everytime I hear the phrase: Breastmilk is best for baby for the first six months. :redface: That is everytime I pick up her tin of formula.
I could only breastfeed for three months and then I gave up! So I feel guilty that I did not have more patience or willpower to keep breastfeeding and gave her the best possible start to life. DD was not gaining enough weight and was constantly hungry. My milk was getting less and less - don't know, but think it was stressing about her crying the whole night and not gaining the weight.
Don't get me wrong - I know that dd is well cared for and I know that it was the best move for us. But with all the breast is best campaining going around, there is that stubble regret and guilt.
When DS is crying and people say "Oh there is somethig wrong with him, babies don't just cry for no reason". Uhhhh yeh, they do!
A midwife visited me at home and I had to go into hospital because he wasn't feeding and clearly had never fed because look, when he feeds he's not doing XYZ... touching the two of us as he fed. I have felt bad about starving my baby for ages, especially cos it felt like he was feeding - talking to a LC earlier today she pointed out midwives have no training for this, babies don't always need feeds and as DS was refusing breast, bottle and cup he was full!
I'm another one who felt guilty every time I picked up the formula tin. With my first DD I bf exclusively for 6 weeks, crying in pain every time then breast & bottle til she was 10 weeks, then it all got too much & I just decided to go with the bottle. I was also a young mum at 18. Every time she got sick for the next 2 years & I saw gp's, nurses, or what ever & they asked if she was bf or bottle I felt that they thought I was just another young mum who has no idea about having a baby. She is now 5 & asthmatic & I still wonder if bf longer would've made a difference.
When I was in hospital I was an hour from home, so didn't get many visitors, & I felt that they treated me different as well. DP - now DH, tried to come see, but had no license at the time, so only got there 2 or 3 times over the 4 days, & I felt that the nurses pretty much ignored me. They'd walk right past me to the next lady wo I swear had the ugliest baby & go on about how beautiful the baby was & stuff & walk straight back past me. I felt horrible the whole time I was in there.
I think they just saw me as a young single mum who is useless & only had a baby coz I didn't know how to use protection. They didn't know anything about me. Every time I went out in public with out DP I felt like every one around me was thinking the same.
I think because breastfeeding is such an unquantifiable feeding method (we don't see EXACTLY how much they are taking) that as new mums we feel the pressure from the comments of others so much more acutely.
I felt inadequate with a slow growing baby and a low supply due to poor attachment. Each comment from the MCHN felt like a personal affront (even if it may not have been).
Suggestions from my parents, my sister to supplement with a bottle of formula was made with my well being in mind - they felt I was reaching exhaustion due to the 1-2 hourly feeding I was doing to increase supply, increase my babies weight and meet his nutritional demands. They felt a single bottle would not hurt and would give me the opportunity to have a sleep and rest. From my perspective at the time it felt like an attack, like I was failing to achieve breastfeeding and failing my baby. Like they were justifying their own feeding choices and having me follow the same path supported their decisions.
The comments from my MIL (although I mostly love her to death there are moments ......... ) that every time he cried "he must be hungry". Not the comment you want to hear when you have been struggling with weight gain, supply etc :rolleyes:
All I wanted was someone to say - I am here to support you in whatever you choose to do. How can I help?? For the MCHN - I wanted to be told we have these options available, have them explained and then have them ask me what would I like to do!! I wanted someone (besides my gorgeous DH who learnt to do this early and regularly) to tell me I was doing a great job.
This vulnerability in early mothering experiences also makes you more fragile to the comments / advice from others - well meaning or otherwise!! Today, for example, I had one women tell me my baby was hungry (he was tired and doing his usual cry before sleeping) and another tell me my baby was very skinny (he is lean but VERY healthy and fine, thank very much!!!!) Hormones, sleep deprivation and not being sure of what you are doing can make these comments much more hurtful and increase the insecurity you have in knowing how to be the best mother to your baby. You can go from confident to feeling inadequate in the blink of an eye from one flippant comment by someone close to you or a stranger.
* My baby is not sleeping through the night yet (4 months) and family member has told me to give her a comp feed or put her on solids because her baby was on solids from 6 weeks and slept through the night. I know this is her way of helping me, but it makes me feel frustrated because I really do know what is best for my child.
* I was constantly with my baby, I picked her up when she cried and rocked her off to sleep. I co-slept with her and sat for hours on the lounge with her in my arms. When I put her down ..... she cried! When I picked her up ... she stopped! EVERYONE was telling me I was making a rod for my own back and spoiling her. DH was very anti her crying and would support me in comforting her when she needed it. However last week we had a chat and we starting questioning if we were doing the right thing..... so this week I have let her cry to sleep (often with me crying in the other room), not picked her up when she cries, and tried to let her be on the fllor playing as much as possible. This evening I was reading some Belly Belly articles on controlled crying and am quite upset I nearly let "society" persuade me to go against my instincts:( I have actually printed them out and will be giving them to anyone who questions my parenting techniques.
Long post I know! Sorry!
:heartbeat:
Jen
*hugs* Jen its so hard sometimes isn't?
I have often told the "rod" people that its my back thanks very much.
Well said Michelle, I couldn't agree more. Hopefully we'll remember this when we are supporting our DD/DILs through new motherhood!:
All I wanted was someone to say - I am here to support you in whatever you choose to do. How can I help??
Jen, hugs sweetie. Don't worry, we've all been there. I think sometimes you have to try things to know that they aren't right for you IYKWIM? I hope you feel better soon.
These posts make me feel so sad, some people are horrible.
Thinking back to when I was in hospital trying to BF and having a hard time, I had fed my DD for over an hour, then put her down to sleep at about 2am, with her waking within 20 mins. I tried settling her to no avail and buzzed the midwife who told me that DD was hungry. I could have slapped her, asking how could she be hungry if I just fed her for over an hour, she took her to the nursery and settled her for a couple of hours. If dd was hungry, why would she settle? Makes me upset to this day and probably one of the many reasons I stopped bf.
Hi Girls, I am new here and this thread caught my attention. It is so horrible what you girls have been going through. What ever happened to supporting our sisters. I remember my MCHN telling me that women are so hard on themselves. We continually berate ourselves for what we believe should be the perfect mother. Sure there are terrible mothers out there, but we are doing the best we can in a society that expects us to have it all!! My MIL used harp on and on about breastfeeding and that she had a lot of issues breastfeeding my husband so that must be why my son is crying so much..... HUH!?!?!?! How on earth she came up with that conclusion, I don't know. It turned out the bubs had awful reflux and once we elevated the cot he was fine. But if I had taken her advise I would have stopped breastfeeding, which is not what I wanted to do.
I just don't get why the people that claim to care about us and even the total strangers can be so judgemental. It is so depressing that our mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, neighbours, girlfriends etc, feel the need to make us feel like complete s**t. My personal favourite is when you get advice from people who don't even have children!!! What's going on here? What they read a book about parenting and then suddenly they're an expert... The way I have learnt to deal with these people is let them yap on as much as they want and then do what I feel is right for my bub.
Like Michelle, I found that many comments from the MCHN felt like a personal affront even if they weren't meant that way. My little boy had swollen breasts for a few weeks after birth due to my hormones, which I'd read about and been told was normal, so I didn't pay much attention. When the MCHN came to visit, she felt them and said "haven't you noticed he has mastitis these must be very painful" - and then questioned me about whether they were getting larger or not. As I thought that was normal, I hadn't noticed, and felt guilty for not paying close enough attention.
Another one that made me feel inadequate was the way some midwives asked about why I had an emergency C section. Phrases like "so what went wrong then?" and "why couldn't you give birth naturally?" made me feel like a bit of a failure for having to have a c section (which I know now was absolutely needed). It would have been better to say "tell me your birth story" rather than sounding judgemental.
My little boy had some problems with weight gain and I felt sooo bad about that - after all, how would I know? My GP was fantastic during this time, reassuring me that he was happy and didn't look at risk of anything happening, and just to try a few techniques to get more food into him. As a result of the pressure from the MCHN and the guilt I'm still paranoid about his weight and try to stuff him extra full - now he sometimes cries when I try to stuff him again!
I want to add to Feathertop's issue of not paying closer attention. I found that many, many moms would ask me stuff that I had no idea I was suppose to look our for. Like exactly how many wee's she does, how many minutes it take me to get her to sleep, exactly how long does she sleep, how many times does she wake, when does she cry and why - that kind of stuff that I thought was sort of not nessesary to know. I mean it took heaps of time to get her to sleep, but if I knew the exact minutes, I think I would have gone bonkers. And about crying, I could not tell the difference. I am honest to admit that I did not know why she was crying, sometimes I still don't. And mothers telling me they know exactly why their bubs are crying, get me thinking I must be not giving enough attention.
Also now, ppl asking me the dates and times of her firsts. Like when was the first time she slept through? I don't know - I was to elated to remember a date!! And when was the first time she ate solids or the first time she laughed. I know that may seem dumb that I don't remember, but I can't pinpoint one day, she smiled but then we were not sure if it really was a smile, or just wind, and when she started lauging (I can remember why she did, but not when) we were just so happy to hear her little giggle that I did not spoil the moment to go write it down! Ppl telling me exactly the date and time of their bubs first's gets me feeling a bit inadequate for not paying more attention (like Feathertop said)
Still deciding what was the worst advice - midwives in hospital telling me I had to supplement with formula because my 8lb 10oz baby had lost marginally more than 10% of her birthweight (even though my milk hadn't even come in) or scaremongers who told me that if a drop of formula passed her lips she would never go back to breast. After six weeks of not even offering her the breast because of nightmare experience with breastfeeding in hospital, I popped her on the breast this arvo and she took to it for 10 mins first time no probs whatsoever. Not sure she was actually feeding properly but she was having a good old suckle and certainly not getting antsy because she was having nipple rather than bottle teat. Go figure. Experts schmexperts.
i have a four month son and am sooooo sick of people telling me what to do.Everbody feels the need to tell you what to do. my mother is the worst- she is constantly telling me what to do and that my way is wrong. even people who don't have children must tell you what to do. I am bad mother because she thinks i over dress him, iam a bad mother because i choose to bath oliver once a day in the afternoon as part of his bedtime routine.. and if he cries he must be hungry even though he has just had feed. Not once has my own mother offered any encouragement or told me i'm a good mother. this advice makes me feel like a complete failure as a mother. yes i am a first time mother, no i don't know everything...but i do know what my son wants and needs and just because i am a first time mother does not mean i am a complete idiot!!! A little bit of encouragement goes along way !
:hug: Lucky you will get lots of encoouragement on here..
Sometimes people don't know when you close thier mouth's
We chose a very small independant secondary school for our eldest, it basically doesn't micro manage kids, they are taught to be responsibe for their own actions, respect and communication. the one rule is you can't interfere with the learning of others. we often got comments about it such as oh well when it doesn't work out you can always move him. so frustrating
I feel sad reading this thread too - it's really important to surround ourselves with positive, caring, encouraging women I've realised to help us deal with the crap other negative, "all knowing" women dish out. I hope to God I have never judged mums as I have been judged.
My MIL is really the worst offender,and most of my stories are about her. I never EVER had anyone tell me to give up BF and it still shocks me when I hear that ppl do that...especially to a new mum who it is working for.
But all the criticism seems to come from the critiquer's own issues by the sound of it. My MIL has always told me to let DS cry, that I cuddle him too much, "wear" (in the ergo) him too much, tend to him too much, feed him too much, - everything points to me not being a "good enough" mum in her opinion. Her latest pearl was that I am stopping my DS from crawling. WT? She has also offered great wisdom in telling me to have a glass of wine before BF, to put him to sleep...and to upend the foot of his mattress (when he was in a cot) so his mucous runs to his throat and he coughs it up. Whatever...I didn't want him to choke so we elevated his head instead...
All this stuff. IMO - we are the mums. We know our babies. Seek wise advice from people you trust and to anyone else, ACT confident (even if you're not) and don't even enter into a space where they feel that you need "helping". That's what I've found. For goodness sake, I'm the best mum for my son. Support me, don't crush me.
xx
Pity I didn't see this last year!
I think one of the stick-out-moments for me was when I was expressing my concerns about possible PND and the MCHN said "don't forget, his best toy is your smile" ARGHHHHHH I couldn't smile!
Another one was when I was trying to b/f in hossie and the midwife stuck the pump on me ... all that came out was blood and they said that's quite normal :o
why can't people be supportive not destructive? I have felt very inadequate at times due to unwanted advice and at times i've felt like i have been hitting my head against a:wall: Mothers need to be supported not judged or criticised. We have the most difficult job in the world, but it is also the best. Remember mums we are doing great jobs raising our babies and no one can take that away from us. we know our babies best not anyone else.even a first time mum instinctly know what her baby wants, it may take us awhile sometimes but we always figure it out. Encouragement and support from the people we love goes along long long way.
We had some people over at our place for a Christmas get together. DS was about 6 or 7 weeks old. One couple had 2 boys, the other couple had 3 kids.
Tried to put DS down for his nap (we were rocking off to sleep) but he wouldn't sleep. This pattern had been starting to emerge and I hadn't yet figured out that my diet was affecting my breastmilk. So I brought him back downstairs saying that he wouldn't settle, he knew something different was going on, and I was told by these experienced parents that I should just leave him up there to cry...he had to learn. DH then said triumphantly "I've been TELLING her to do that but she won't listen to him cry! See, I told you!" One of them said "yes it's hard, but you have to do it."
So I said okay and went upstairs, put DS in his cot and left. Of course he started crying. I came back downstairs and was told I was doing the right thing. I could still hear him crying and I went to go back upstairs to check on him. I was told "no, he has to learn" but I went up anyway and stood outside his door, I didn't know what to do. DH followed me up and made me come back downstairs.
Another couple of minutes went by and I just burst into hysterical tears and started saying frantically "I can't do it! I can't do it!" I felt so weak and felt like they were all judging me. Tears flooding down my face I rushed off and got DS and promised him I would never do that again. One of the girls was really nice then and comforted me and said that this is what she had done but that with mothering I had to do what was in my heart and if I didn't want to that was okay. She said that they were worried that they had said too much.
It ruined the entire day and I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how inadequate I felt and that I was ganged up on by everyone, including DH, for the way I was doing things. I could tell that they thought I was weak for "giving in" to DS.
Of course I listened to them, they had 5 kids between them and I had only been a mum for about 6 weeks. I was exhausted and desperate for some rest and me-time, and having 5 people tell me what I was doing was wrong...what chance did I have of knowing to stand my ground at that point?
I have to add my bit here.
My MIL was a typical italian mumma. a little interfereing and blunt but it came from her heart, not her ego. EVERYTIME she would first see dd1 she would feel her hands and say "she too cold, needa more blanket" and i would put on an extra layer. dutiful DIL that i am... i knew a bubs hands were no indication of overall temp, but i did it anyway.
one day i saw her coming up the driveway, grabbed an extra blanket, covered dd and tucked her little hands in. MIL came in says hi goes to dd pulls out her hands and feels them, "no no, she too hot, justa take off this a one blanket so you no make her sick"...
So, i did. :rolleyes: there were times i felt like maybe i wasnt living up to her standrds of what a mum should be...but now with hindsight and some more maturity i know differently ....but i dont see this as a sad story. I dearly loved my MIL and now she has passed away. her comments were always motivated by love and concern. her theories were old fashioned and some were blatantly wrong. but i didnt want her to feel excluded or looked down on for her opinions. i look back on it now and have a little giggle, cos thats just the way she was.
ON THE OTHER HAND..... i have others give me advice, like "oh well, shes probably better off on the bottle anyway, you should give up on the bf altogether" and to some of those i have said "whatever" or "mind your business"
i think for me at least, it depends on where the advice is coming from and what is the motivation for that advice, and how you feel about the person giving it.
what was the question again?????
Man there are so many replies to this thread! so telling...
well, my first came from one of the lactation consultants at my hospy when DD was 2 days old. she walked in as i was rocking my gorgeous bub to sleep. she was a bit grizzly but i wasnt concerned as hey, it was a big wide world that she was in and i would be a bit upset too if i left the comfort of the home she had been calling for the last 8.5 months.
so anyway, she comes in and asks me what i was doing. i said, i just fed her and am putting her down (it didnt even occur to me that i should question this instinct and connection that i had with my baby...wish i had of been more prepared for know-it-alls). she told me that it was blatantly obvious that i was (and i quote) 'dehydrating my baby. look she's dehydrated!'. she made me stick my finger in her mouth (my almost asleep happy content little baby) and said: 'see, it feels dry doesnt it? how does it feel?'. i felt like i was in school again being harangued by an angry teacher. in that moment my world kinda collapsed and i lost my connection with DD. i felt that i couldnt trust what i felt to be right. she told me that i had to demand feed her (i had no idea what she meant by this term as i assumed i would feed my baby when she was hungry). she made me get on the bed and attach right then and there (bubs had just fed!). (also, like to point out that my DD was put on a feeding schedule for the first 3 days as her weight was low and they wanted to make sure that she wasnt going to lose weight, so up to this point she (and I) were AOK). DD was really upset by this intrusion on our lives and began to cry non-stop. so i fed. instinctively i knew that she wasnt hungry, just really confused, but i kept feeding. this continued (ie non-stop feeding) from 11pm to 3.30am. i kept buzzing and she kept coming and told me to relax and it was normal for this to happen (my baby was beserk by this stage!). luckily she forgot to switch the call light off at the 3.30am visit and someone else walked in. she took one look at my baby and said that she was in severe pain and the feeding NEEDED to stop (this is 10 mins after the other lady). DD spent 8 hours in SCN (she had been in there for the first 24 hours of her life and i felt ashamed that this time it was because of me). i felt so ashamed that i didnt tell the m/w that i was following instructions from her co-worker. she busted my butt going on about how DD was on a scheduled feed program etc etc. i just burst into tears crying. DD didnt need another feed for a full 8 hours!
sorry that one raged outta control!
my only other one was that the MACH nurse told me that my DD was 'failing to thrive'. went to paed. and he laughed and told me that DD was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. (dont i know it LOL!). and i never went back to crazy woman.
I know just what you mean. All the little snipes got me from day 1. I was 15yo, and in my defence, we DID know how to use protection, we just didnt know that condoms come in different sizes, and well, to make a long and hilarious story short, XP had a somewhat erm large piece, and it went *BANG* when he went *BANG*, and I got my son! :o;):
We aren't together anymore, and haven't been since before I knew I was pg, but thats beside the point. DS is nearly nine, and he is well adjusted to the situation.
I refused the hospital care because they made snide comments about how I shouldn't listen to all the stories about not being able to get pg on the first time...
They told me I wasn't in that much pain while I was in labour ( I had back labour, and it effing HURT!), then criticized my pushing because I pooped, mind you this was AFTER they had accepted that while women DO give birth every day, I DO NOT, and maybe I actually was in pain, so they pumped enough pethidine into my previously 45kg frame to knock out a small bull rhino! Then, criticized me for complaining that the 4th degree tear I sustained from being KO'd hurt , so I promptly broke the dr's nose when he jabbed a needle full of local up my @rse and caused more pain.
Then on the ward... I was ignored for 2 days, even though I was screaming in pain every time I tried to move, as I was not charted anything but Paracetamol for my famous tear. umm... I was told to forget about "dignity" and let the students in to see my nether regions :redface: (remember I was 15, and it HAD been my first time!). I was not allowed to bathe my son or change his nappy for the first 4 days on my own because I was 15 and therefore obviously had no clue (well then why not TEACH ME!!!),
I was told I was not allowed home because I had no idea yet, or to the local hospital, despite my family living an hour away, and me missing them like crazy because I ended up spending 10 days in there, being visited by my mum only 4 times, Dad not at all, and my ex coming in constantly even though I just wanted to break his face. The midi who was looking after me refused to ask them to leave me be, telling me they were allowed to see me as long as it was visiting hours!
At 2 months, I was told I should not be allowing XP to give DS formula, despite the fact that if I DID express milk, he would either not give back the containers, or would boil it in the microwave.
At 4 months, I was told that he should not be eating solids at all, despite the fact that he was clearly wanting them, and ready for them!
The corker was when the midi came in to my room to give me an injection to dry up my milk, because at 15, O clearly would not want to BF. Well, bully to her! I BF'd till DS was 11 months old, and only stopped because I was an air cadet and spent the Syd paralympics on a parade for 3 weeks!
There is nothing wrong with my son, and I love him. Him and my DD (to my DH of just over 6 years) are very close, good-natured, well adapted children, and I did much the same with each of them, aside from breaking docs nose and formula (DD was a pain to feed!)!
My DD (now almost 7), would ONLY take the breast until 6 months old. While this is normally a good thing, DP felt left out, so I tried everything. Going out for 5 hours, starting solids, expressing, smearing breastmilk on the teat, EVERYTHING. then one day I managed to get her to very reluctantly take a bottle of formula, as I was on antibiotics for a resp infection. Well, after that, she refused me totally! For 3 weeks I expressed to keep up my milk, but she didn't want me anymore :(. But all the same, she is healthy!
Should I go on?? It never stops. They are at school now, and invariably someone comes up with some unwanted advice about their diet (both are borderline ADHD diagnoses), when they follow a very healthy diabetic diet due to my health problems. Or it will be about their refusal to wear a jumper. :wall: I wish people would just keep their collective noses out! Its none of their business, and if it was, I would be paying to see them privately.
I say follow your instincts. If you love your child, and are sensible, then who are they to stick their noses in when there is no need???
Oh, and just a positive one to make us all feel better. Well, it starts out negative, but gets really good.
Both mine were summer babies, so I had no problems whatsoever with hanging my tit out in public for baby to feed. One time though, I was in the shopping centre, DP had DS in the supermarket, and I was eating a hotdog whileI was BFing my 2wo DD in the shops one day while I ate my lunch, and this giant fat man in just boardies comes up, hair all over him, bum crack out, and tells me that its a disgusting site. His teenage daughter, just as overweight, is wearing bumster hotpants (translation: tiny shorts that your flaps hang out of at the bottom, and your bum isn't covered by at the top. Exudes a really BAD muffin top!) and a boob tube. Yet he tells ME I look inappropriate, and he is offended. I must admit I was quite taken aback by this. The centre in question had no baby change facilities open, as it was undergoing MAJOR renovation, and it was 42* out, so what, I'm meant to feed her in the car??!? Let her starve??!?
Well, que charming little old lady. SHe stopped at the bakery, purchased a lamington cake, and came over, and told me how lovely it was to see mother and daughter enjoying a meal together in this day and age, and I should be commended for doing what is right for my baby. She presented me with the lamington cake just as DP came out of Bi-Lo, and told me to keep it up, and ignore the quote "fat old coote and be proud of my beautiful big baby feeding breasts". I have never in my life felt so proud to breast feed. Hope that serves to encourage some of you too.
<3 Serene
My ex MIL insisted that I should be giving DD water before she started solids even though I was BFing. All I ever heard was bloody "Look, she's dehydrated, she's thirsty! She needs to drink! GET HER SOME WATER!" God she's a horrible woman. She also demanded that I give up BFing and start FF, and every time I figured out something that was causing probs for DD (for example, at first I was mixing her rice cereal too thick and it contributed to her constipation) she would say "I knew that but I wanted to let you figure it out for yourself". Funny that. She would also say things to me like " ____________ (other mother in the family) is always perfectly clean and tidy and her children never cry, they're so well behaved" wtf? I didn't realize this was a competition.
My parents actually said fairly similar things. I love the way the negative comments always come at times when things are difficult, at the exact times you need support and encouragement. But no, it's so much more fun to be judgemental.
ARGGGHHHHH!
This thread makes me so livid! What has happened to our society that we are so negative and judgemental towards mothers? What happened to nurturing mothers so they can do they're best at nurturing they're children. I feel sorry for the first person who judges the way I mother - after reading this thread, I think I might just bite there heads off!
What can we do to change this? What kind of non-confrontational response can we give that makes people THINK a little about how they treat Mothers and how in turn that affects those Mother bubbies? I despair but also I think that given all YOUR experiences, maybe you (and I, when I get there) can be agents of change...
Hugs to all those who have had to deal with these unthoughtful and horrible people!
Interesting to read this just now! Just came home from the shops after I got a not very nice comment from a lady there. Was in the queue to get a coffee & muffin when my little man was whinging. I made the comment that he was impatient by way of explanation(don't even know why I feel the need to do that!) when she said 'especially with mothers these days'. I couldn't believe it. I was having my one coffee out this week to relax somewhat (as much as you can with a toddler in tow) and she was implying I was dragging him from here to timbuck two. It did hurt my feelings even though I laughed it off as i suffer from PND and comments like that are really not very helpful :(