Advice that makes you feel guilty or inadequate....

[~clover~]

I'm another one who felt guilty every time I picked up the formula tin. With my first DD I bf exclusively for 6 weeks, crying in pain every time then breast & bottle til she was 10 weeks, then it all got too much & I just decided to go with the bottle. I was also a young mum at 18. Every time she got sick for the next 2 years & I saw gp's, nurses, or what ever & they asked if she was bf or bottle I felt that they thought I was just another young mum who has no idea about having a baby. She is now 5 & asthmatic & I still wonder if bf longer would've made a difference.
When I was in hospital I was an hour from home, so didn't get many visitors, & I felt that they treated me different as well. DP - now DH, tried to come see, but had no license at the time, so only got there 2 or 3 times over the 4 days, & I felt that the nurses pretty much ignored me. They'd walk right past me to the next lady wo I swear had the ugliest baby & go on about how beautiful the baby was & stuff & walk straight back past me. I felt horrible the whole time I was in there.
I think they just saw me as a young single mum who is useless & only had a baby coz I didn't know how to use protection. They didn't know anything about me. Every time I went out in public with out DP I felt like every one around me was thinking the same.

[beckles]

We chose a very small independant secondary school for our eldest, it basically doesn't micro manage kids, they are taught to be responsibe for their own actions, respect and communication. the one rule is you can't interfere with the learning of others. we often got comments about it such as oh well when it doesn't work out you can always move him. so frustrating

[Rahjah]

I feel sad reading this thread too - it's really important to surround ourselves with positive, caring, encouraging women I've realised to help us deal with the crap other negative, "all knowing" women dish out. I hope to God I have never judged mums as I have been judged.

My MIL is really the worst offender,and most of my stories are about her. I never EVER had anyone tell me to give up BF and it still shocks me when I hear that ppl do that...especially to a new mum who it is working for.

But all the criticism seems to come from the critiquer's own issues by the sound of it. My MIL has always told me to let DS cry, that I cuddle him too much, "wear" (in the ergo) him too much, tend to him too much, feed him too much, - everything points to me not being a "good enough" mum in her opinion. Her latest pearl was that I am stopping my DS from crawling. WT? She has also offered great wisdom in telling me to have a glass of wine before BF, to put him to sleep...and to upend the foot of his mattress (when he was in a cot) so his mucous runs to his throat and he coughs it up. Whatever...I didn't want him to choke so we elevated his head instead...

All this stuff. IMO - we are the mums. We know our babies. Seek wise advice from people you trust and to anyone else, ACT confident (even if you're not) and don't even enter into a space where they feel that you need "helping". That's what I've found. For goodness sake, I'm the best mum for my son. Support me, don't crush me.

xx

[Kazbah]

Pity I didn't see this last year!

I think one of the stick-out-moments for me was when I was expressing my concerns about possible PND and the MCHN said "don't forget, his best toy is your smile" ARGHHHHHH I couldn't smile!

Another one was when I was trying to b/f in hossie and the midwife stuck the pump on me ... all that came out was blood and they said that's quite normal

[olliesmum0206]

why can't people be supportive not destructive? I have felt very inadequate at times due to unwanted advice and at times i've felt like i have been hitting my head against a Mothers need to be supported not judged or criticised. We have the most difficult job in the world, but it is also the best. Remember mums we are doing great jobs raising our babies and no one can take that away from us. we know our babies best not anyone else.even a first time mum instinctly know what her baby wants, it may take us awhile sometimes but we always figure it out. Encouragement and support from the people we love goes along long long way.

[Curly]

We had some people over at our place for a Christmas get together. DS was about 6 or 7 weeks old. One couple had 2 boys, the other couple had 3 kids.

Tried to put DS down for his nap (we were rocking off to sleep) but he wouldn't sleep. This pattern had been starting to emerge and I hadn't yet figured out that my diet was affecting my breastmilk. So I brought him back downstairs saying that he wouldn't settle, he knew something different was going on, and I was told by these experienced parents that I should just leave him up there to cry...he had to learn. DH then said triumphantly "I've been TELLING her to do that but she won't listen to him cry! See, I told you!" One of them said "yes it's hard, but you have to do it."

So I said okay and went upstairs, put DS in his cot and left. Of course he started crying. I came back downstairs and was told I was doing the right thing. I could still hear him crying and I went to go back upstairs to check on him. I was told "no, he has to learn" but I went up anyway and stood outside his door, I didn't know what to do. DH followed me up and made me come back downstairs.

Another couple of minutes went by and I just burst into hysterical tears and started saying frantically "I can't do it! I can't do it!" I felt so weak and felt like they were all judging me. Tears flooding down my face I rushed off and got DS and promised him I would never do that again. One of the girls was really nice then and comforted me and said that this is what she had done but that with mothering I had to do what was in my heart and if I didn't want to that was okay. She said that they were worried that they had said too much.

It ruined the entire day and I still get tears in my eyes thinking about how inadequate I felt and that I was ganged up on by everyone, including DH, for the way I was doing things. I could tell that they thought I was weak for "giving in" to DS.

Of course I listened to them, they had 5 kids between them and I had only been a mum for about 6 weeks. I was exhausted and desperate for some rest and me-time, and having 5 people tell me what I was doing was wrong...what chance did I have of knowing to stand my ground at that point?

[myson]

I have to add my bit here.

My MIL was a typical italian mumma. a little interfereing and blunt but it came from her heart, not her ego. EVERYTIME she would first see dd1 she would feel her hands and say "she too cold, needa more blanket" and i would put on an extra layer. dutiful DIL that i am... i knew a bubs hands were no indication of overall temp, but i did it anyway.

one day i saw her coming up the driveway, grabbed an extra blanket, covered dd and tucked her little hands in. MIL came in says hi goes to dd pulls out her hands and feels them, "no no, she too hot, justa take off this a one blanket so you no make her sick"...

So, i did. there were times i felt like maybe i wasnt living up to her standrds of what a mum should be...but now with hindsight and some more maturity i know differently ....but i dont see this as a sad story. I dearly loved my MIL and now she has passed away. her comments were always motivated by love and concern. her theories were old fashioned and some were blatantly wrong. but i didnt want her to feel excluded or looked down on for her opinions. i look back on it now and have a little giggle, cos thats just the way she was.

ON THE OTHER HAND..... i have others give me advice, like "oh well, shes probably better off on the bottle anyway, you should give up on the bf altogether" and to some of those i have said "whatever" or "mind your business"

i think for me at least, it depends on where the advice is coming from and what is the motivation for that advice, and how you feel about the person giving it.

what was the question again?????

[Cassius2]

Man there are so many replies to this thread! so telling...

well, my first came from one of the lactation consultants at my hospy when DD was 2 days old. she walked in as i was rocking my gorgeous bub to sleep. she was a bit grizzly but i wasnt concerned as hey, it was a big wide world that she was in and i would be a bit upset too if i left the comfort of the home she had been calling for the last 8.5 months.
so anyway, she comes in and asks me what i was doing. i said, i just fed her and am putting her down (it didnt even occur to me that i should question this instinct and connection that i had with my baby...wish i had of been more prepared for know-it-alls). she told me that it was blatantly obvious that i was (and i quote) 'dehydrating my baby. look she's dehydrated!'. she made me stick my finger in her mouth (my almost asleep happy content little baby) and said: 'see, it feels dry doesnt it? how does it feel?'. i felt like i was in school again being harangued by an angry teacher. in that moment my world kinda collapsed and i lost my connection with DD. i felt that i couldnt trust what i felt to be right. she told me that i had to demand feed her (i had no idea what she meant by this term as i assumed i would feed my baby when she was hungry). she made me get on the bed and attach right then and there (bubs had just fed!). (also, like to point out that my DD was put on a feeding schedule for the first 3 days as her weight was low and they wanted to make sure that she wasnt going to lose weight, so up to this point she (and I) were AOK). DD was really upset by this intrusion on our lives and began to cry non-stop. so i fed. instinctively i knew that she wasnt hungry, just really confused, but i kept feeding. this continued (ie non-stop feeding) from 11pm to 3.30am. i kept buzzing and she kept coming and told me to relax and it was normal for this to happen (my baby was beserk by this stage!). luckily she forgot to switch the call light off at the 3.30am visit and someone else walked in. she took one look at my baby and said that she was in severe pain and the feeding NEEDED to stop (this is 10 mins after the other lady). DD spent 8 hours in SCN (she had been in there for the first 24 hours of her life and i felt ashamed that this time it was because of me). i felt so ashamed that i didnt tell the m/w that i was following instructions from her co-worker. she busted my butt going on about how DD was on a scheduled feed program etc etc. i just burst into tears crying. DD didnt need another feed for a full 8 hours!

sorry that one raged outta control!

my only other one was that the MACH nurse told me that my DD was 'failing to thrive'. went to paed. and he laughed and told me that DD was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. (dont i know it LOL!). and i never went back to crazy woman.

[HellRazeD]

I was also a young mum at 18.
I think they just saw me as a young single mum who is useless & only had a baby coz I didn't know how to use protection. They didn't know anything about me.

I know just what you mean. All the little snipes got me from day 1. I was 15yo, and in my defence, we DID know how to use protection, we just didnt know that condoms come in different sizes, and well, to make a long and hilarious story short, XP had a somewhat erm large piece, and it went *BANG* when he went *BANG*, and I got my son!
We aren't together anymore, and haven't been since before I knew I was pg, but thats beside the point. DS is nearly nine, and he is well adjusted to the situation.

I refused the hospital care because they made snide comments about how I shouldn't listen to all the stories about not being able to get pg on the first time...

They told me I wasn't in that much pain while I was in labour ( I had back labour, and it effing HURT!), then criticized my pushing because I pooped, mind you this was AFTER they had accepted that while women DO give birth every day, I DO NOT, and maybe I actually was in pain, so they pumped enough pethidine into my previously 45kg frame to knock out a small bull rhino! Then, criticized me for complaining that the 4th degree tear I sustained from being KO'd hurt , so I promptly broke the dr's nose when he jabbed a needle full of local up my @rse and caused more pain.
Then on the ward... I was ignored for 2 days, even though I was screaming in pain every time I tried to move, as I was not charted anything but Paracetamol for my famous tear. umm... I was told to forget about "dignity" and let the students in to see my nether regions (remember I was 15, and it HAD been my first time!). I was not allowed to bathe my son or change his nappy for the first 4 days on my own because I was 15 and therefore obviously had no clue (well then why not TEACH ME!!!),

I was told I was not allowed home because I had no idea yet, or to the local hospital, despite my family living an hour away, and me missing them like crazy because I ended up spending 10 days in there, being visited by my mum only 4 times, Dad not at all, and my ex coming in constantly even though I just wanted to break his face. The midi who was looking after me refused to ask them to leave me be, telling me they were allowed to see me as long as it was visiting hours!

At 2 months, I was told I should not be allowing XP to give DS formula, despite the fact that if I DID express milk, he would either not give back the containers, or would boil it in the microwave.

At 4 months, I was told that he should not be eating solids at all, despite the fact that he was clearly wanting them, and ready for them!

The corker was when the midi came in to my room to give me an injection to dry up my milk, because at 15, O clearly would not want to BF. Well, bully to her! I BF'd till DS was 11 months old, and only stopped because I was an air cadet and spent the Syd paralympics on a parade for 3 weeks!

There is nothing wrong with my son, and I love him. Him and my DD (to my DH of just over 6 years) are very close, good-natured, well adapted children, and I did much the same with each of them, aside from breaking docs nose and formula (DD was a pain to feed!)!

My DD (now almost 7), would ONLY take the breast until 6 months old. While this is normally a good thing, DP felt left out, so I tried everything. Going out for 5 hours, starting solids, expressing, smearing breastmilk on the teat, EVERYTHING. then one day I managed to get her to very reluctantly take a bottle of formula, as I was on antibiotics for a resp infection. Well, after that, she refused me totally! For 3 weeks I expressed to keep up my milk, but she didn't want me anymore . But all the same, she is healthy!

Should I go on?? It never stops. They are at school now, and invariably someone comes up with some unwanted advice about their diet (both are borderline ADHD diagnoses), when they follow a very healthy diabetic diet due to my health problems. Or it will be about their refusal to wear a jumper. I wish people would just keep their collective noses out! Its none of their business, and if it was, I would be paying to see them privately.

I say follow your instincts. If you love your child, and are sensible, then who are they to stick their noses in when there is no need???

[HellRazeD]

Oh, and just a positive one to make us all feel better. Well, it starts out negative, but gets really good.
Both mine were summer babies, so I had no problems whatsoever with hanging my tit out in public for baby to feed. One time though, I was in the shopping centre, DP had DS in the supermarket, and I was eating a hotdog whileI was BFing my 2wo DD in the shops one day while I ate my lunch, and this giant fat man in just boardies comes up, hair all over him, bum crack out, and tells me that its a disgusting site. His teenage daughter, just as overweight, is wearing bumster hotpants (translation: tiny shorts that your flaps hang out of at the bottom, and your bum isn't covered by at the top. Exudes a really BAD muffin top!) and a boob tube. Yet he tells ME I look inappropriate, and he is offended. I must admit I was quite taken aback by this. The centre in question had no baby change facilities open, as it was undergoing MAJOR renovation, and it was 42* out, so what, I'm meant to feed her in the car??!? Let her starve??!?

Well, que charming little old lady. SHe stopped at the bakery, purchased a lamington cake, and came over, and told me how lovely it was to see mother and daughter enjoying a meal together in this day and age, and I should be commended for doing what is right for my baby. She presented me with the lamington cake just as DP came out of Bi-Lo, and told me to keep it up, and ignore the quote "fat old coote and be proud of my beautiful big baby feeding breasts". I have never in my life felt so proud to breast feed. Hope that serves to encourage some of you too.

<3 Serene

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

My ex MIL insisted that I should be giving DD water before she started solids even though I was BFing. All I ever heard was bloody "Look, she's dehydrated, she's thirsty! She needs to drink! GET HER SOME WATER!" God she's a horrible woman. She also demanded that I give up BFing and start FF, and every time I figured out something that was causing probs for DD (for example, at first I was mixing her rice cereal too thick and it contributed to her constipation) she would say "I knew that but I wanted to let you figure it out for yourself". Funny that. She would also say things to me like " ____________ (other mother in the family) is always perfectly clean and tidy and her children never cry, they're so well behaved" wtf? I didn't realize this was a competition.

My parents actually said fairly similar things. I love the way the negative comments always come at times when things are difficult, at the exact times you need support and encouragement. But no, it's so much more fun to be judgemental.

[Dollyroux]

ARGGGHHHHH!
This thread makes me so livid! What has happened to our society that we are so negative and judgemental towards mothers? What happened to nurturing mothers so they can do they're best at nurturing they're children. I feel sorry for the first person who judges the way I mother - after reading this thread, I think I might just bite there heads off!

What can we do to change this? What kind of non-confrontational response can we give that makes people THINK a little about how they treat Mothers and how in turn that affects those Mother bubbies? I despair but also I think that given all YOUR experiences, maybe you (and I, when I get there) can be agents of change...

Hugs to all those who have had to deal with these unthoughtful and horrible people!

[LoveKnowsNoBounds]

Interesting to read this just now! Just came home from the shops after I got a not very nice comment from a lady there. Was in the queue to get a coffee & muffin when my little man was whinging. I made the comment that he was impatient by way of explanation(don't even know why I feel the need to do that!) when she said 'especially with mothers these days'. I couldn't believe it. I was having my one coffee out this week to relax somewhat (as much as you can with a toddler in tow) and she was implying I was dragging him from here to timbuck two. It did hurt my feelings even though I laughed it off as i suffer from PND and comments like that are really not very helpful

[christy]

I get comments all the time. A neighbour told me to smack my 10 month old for crying a lot when she was teething & when I said "No, I don't think a smack would solve anything" She promptly ended our friendship! Seriously... because I wouldn't take her advice and smack my teething baby, she decided I was an inadequate mother and couldn't be around me.

I decided I didn't need someone like that in my life anyway.

[HellRazeD]

I get comments all the time. A neighbour told me to smack my 10 month old for crying a lot when she was teething & when I said "No, I don't think a smack would solve anything" She promptly ended our friendship! Seriously... because I wouldn't take her advice and smack my teething baby, she decided I was an inadequate mother and couldn't be around me.

I decided I didn't need someone like that in my life anyway.

OH my GOD! Thats just wrong on SO MANY LEVELS!!! A smack is fine for misbehaviour from a 3yo (is thats not your thing, I respect that, but it worked with mine after she played with the heater and nearly burned the house down, so I stand by it when necessary), but a TEETHING 10 month old???

[olliesmum0206]

please help i am at my wits end ! between my mother and MIL- they are both driving me crazy. They treat me as if iam idiot. no matter what i do or say they still keep commenting on everything i do. I am oliver's mother not them, i do not know everything, but i do know what's best for my son. i have snapped at my mother at a few times, but my hubby doesn't back me up when it comes to his mother. anyone got any advice ? i'm desperate and feeling very alone, i'm sick of being made to feel like a bad mother

[HellRazeD]

Ohhh Jan!
PND can be a royal pain in the butt, but insensitive comments just make it worse! I hope you are OK about it now. I'm not very subtle, but I think I would have told her to shove it! Its cruel the way ppl treat others...

Ya hear that all you know it all cows out there??? Its CRUEL! Give us some SUPPORT for once!!!

There. In the words of Yosemite Sam,
Thar, That'll larn im.