here I am again

Can't truly believe I am back in here yet again. Deep down I am an optimist and I really didn't think we could have any more bad luck. Guess I was wrong!
2 m/cs prior to DS then lost twins in April. Reccurent m/c tests - nothing
Just fell pg with even more assistance ( seem to need more drugs every cycle (OI/IUI)).
Levels have been fabulous. Highest I have ever had. Friday at 5w2d had HCG of 53,300 and prog 170 so certainly no question of proper rising. Yet, yesterday after starting the day normally with m/s etc, I just suddenly started bleeding and cramping in the afternoon. No warning, just bang! Since then has progressed to what I assume is full blown m/c - bleeding profusely and cramping severely. I have never m/c naturally - always been diagnosed on a scan and required D&C so this is a real shock. I just don't understand how things could be looking so good and then just suddenly fail.
Can't get hold of my FS and my OB was not at all interested when I called him. He's a "let nature take its course" kinda guy. I really, really need some answers and wanted them today. I'm sure there will nothing left to see on a scan by tomorrow, so I'll never know how many were in there or possible cause
I am not sure I can face the whole grieving process yet again.This is so unbearably heartbreaking. All I want from life is another baby (or two) and yet it is the most unachievable goal I have ever faced.
What upests me almost equally is that no one really cares about 1st trimester losses. Even my DH has just told me that we will just have to "keep trying ". My family will just do the token " sorry", "what a shame" if they find out about this one but no one really cares for more than a fleeting moment. The impact on my life, however, is crushing. I know I will eventually move on from this but the joy of life just won't be there unless I can hold another baby in my arms. I have never really doubted that this would happen but am now seriously worried. I just don't understand!!!
Sorry about my ranting but I have nowhere else to turn and am totally beside myself today. This was supposed to be THE ONE!

I'm really really sorry to hear you lost another little one :hug:.

Meredith, I'm really, really sorry to hear that :hug:

Given that you need answers today, do you think you would have any luck with your local A&E? I know it's a PITA to ahve to wait, but surely they could do a scan for you, particularly if you're having a lot of pain?

Lots of love and support, I really hope things turn out better than you anticipate :pray:

Meredith, I am so sorry... you have had your fair share thats for sure.

I know your Ob and FS are no help to you - please find someone who is. I have been seeing Lisa Fettling alot lately and she is brilliant with grief, loss and depression. Please give her a go. She cares and always tells her clients her mobile is on 24x7 when they need her. She is VERY good and will fill that missing hole of a caring therapist that you have at the moment...

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/lisa-fettling

Come in and see her hon *huge hugs*

i was going to suggest the same as Janie - a trip to the local hospital might be in order. given that you were going great guns hormone level wise, and have had sudden and painful bleeding, i think it would be advisable to get checked (ectopic is always a risk with AC)

i want to offer you words of wisdom, but everything i can say at the moment isn't going to help you now. please just know that i understand how you're feeling, how much emotional pain you're in, and how truly devastating this is.

please take care of yourself - and if you can, take yourself to A&E to be checked out.

thinking of you

BG

Meridth I am so sorry to hear this news there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but give you a :hug: know I am here if you need me

meredith, i can empathise totally. i've been agitating with our local hospital and the minister for health for the very reason that no-one seems to care about early losses. i've come up against that wall twice this year and i'm still angry.

please look after yourself, i'm thinking of you and i'm sure all the girls in the older women TTC thread are as well.

Meredith.

I share your pain. :hug:

I agree with all the other girls, a trip to the local hossie will surely help put your mind at rest given all the bleeding, pain and suffering you are going through. Request a scan and be firm about it.

You are right about ppl not caring about a 1st trimester loss. They don't know how sad you are about the loss once finding out that you are pregnant and you're over the moon. Stay strong and try and be positive

We are all here for you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses and that this may be happening again for you. I agree with the other suggestions of going to your local hospital. Surely they would scan for you? My hospital has an early pregnancy clinic and I went there initially when I was spotting and they did a scan for me. That's when we found out we were having twins. Then when I went to emergency that evening with bleeding and pain, they scanned me at midnight to check the situation. Which I thought was really good, as they could have just waited until the morning I suppose. I hope things work out for you, I'll be thinking of you :hug: :hug:

meredith so sorry to hear this today, i hope all is not lost just yet and with high levels, i guess just wait and see tomorrow :hug: hun, i cant imagine what it like, i have a heavy heart reading this :(

Meredith :hug: I'm so sorry...

Meredith, i am so sorry that you have lost another little angel :hug:

Oh Meredith, I am so very sorry to be reading this :hug: I hope that you have managed to get some help from someone today, and that maybe everything is alright :pray:

I know all too well what you mean about 1st tri miscarriages :( I still have family members that have not even acknowledged my m/c last October to me. It's just like there never was a baby to them. They just have absolutely no idea :(

Take care of yourself, and keep telling yourself you WILL hold another baby in your arms - that's what I have to keep doing :hug:

Meredith,
I am so sad to read this post.

Take care lovely lady.

Debbie

Meredith, your heart must be broken.
I'm sorry sorry to hear about your loss...:hug:

Meredith. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you get the answers and support that you need. :hug:

I am so sorry to see you back in here for this reason hun.

:hug:

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you are OK. I wish the medical profession showed more care about early losses, but for the most part they don't. The "let nature take it's course" lecture didn't go down well with me when my FS said it to me around 10 years ago. It upset me so much I never even went back to him.

I think the problem is that OB's & FS's see miscarriage every day therefore it's commonplace to them, perhaps they've never experienced it themselves from a personal point of view. Many of them just don't seem to realise that even though it was an early loss the parents of this bub had already started to imagine the baby and had started to make plans for it's future. No matter how early the loss is the grief can be huge, even more so if it's taken a while to get there. I wish it was different but it's not.

:hug:

I felt so shocked and sad to read your post when I got back on line this afternoon. I am stalking you - hoping with all I have that this is just a hiccup and your little one is holding on tightly... :hug:

The grief and sadness of miscarriage is a very very underrated grief by a great many people - even by some that have suffered from other types of loss. So, I hear you and I understand.

If this baby has flown away my love he/she will be forever remembered in here and in your heart. I know only too well the "there there" comments and patitudes. It is hurtful and disrespectful.

Sending you my love and support. :hug:

OK, well I am beginning to believe miracles might just happen and not just to other people!
This morning bleeding and pain had eased significantly. I wasn't sure if this was because everything had gone or less possibly that things might still be ok. Was due to go into FC for another HCG so went in planning to beg for a scan.
There was no chance of squeezing me in for a scan at the affiliated ultrasound nor at another one nearby. In the end my FS did a quick scan in her rooms. Was fully expecting nothing to be left or maybe a collapsed sac. Well, low and behold.... 2 sacs with foetal poles. FS was concerned one might have been a cornual ectopic (much nastier than tubal apparently) so rang directly and got me a scan with a sonologist.
Unfortuanately, this was a few hrs later, leaving me enough time to go home and google cornuate ectopics.... bad move as they sound really nasty!
Had myself totally stressed out by the time of the scan but as I said, maybe miracles do happen
Proper scan showed the two babies both in uterus, just one tucked up high in a corner and the other quite low. Both measuring 5w6d so actually 1 day ahead and both with HB's which I didn't expect to see this early. One baby has some a subchorionic haematoma so assuming this was the site of the immense bleeding. Only time will tell if this will affect that baby and if it can still make it but I am just so, so, sooooo amazed and happy that there are two live little bubbas still in there. if they could survive that amount of bleeding then hopefully they can make it all the way.
HCG came back this arvo at 107,000 up from 53,3000 on Fri so certainly feeling the m/s
Another scan next week - hoping I make it that far without another disaster.
Thankyou all so so much for the kind words and support - I am praying I truly don't need to come back in here ever again other than to lend others support

Well I have been chomping at the bit to get back in here to stalk you some more! :p

I am sooooo glad I did. I was banking on there being more than one in there - and a fiesty little one at that! Fancy doing that to his/her Mama this early in the piece. Yes, those SCH's can really cause some bleeding - Oscar had one (Michelle) when he was alfie! ;)

I hope that they both stick like glue - but you know that some more bleeding is very very likely with an SCH? So, brace yourself and lean on all of us - we're here for you my love. :hug:

OMG Meredith, I've just travelled your rollercoaster reading this post! Oh wow oh wow :hug: :clap::dance::clap::dance::hug: I'm praying so hard for you hun (and I don't pray!) that these two little bubs hang on tight!

If it helps, I had a subchorionic haem with my current PG which did resolve & not impact bub at all... I was advised to rest due to persistent spotting/bleeding...so I don't know if that helped the subch haem resolve... but can't hurt to take it easy & wrap yourself in some cotton wool! Thinking of you and sending big big sticky vibes!!!!

fantastic news meredith!!!! so glad you got some good news today!!! im sure all will be ok!!

Meredith I am dancing with delight here fo ryou hun. I am so releived that you got to see yuor two little ebanies and they are on track.
Try not to worry about the sub hem. They usually manage to resolve by 14 wks, seems like a long time away now though huh.
I am just so very happy for you.
Don't forget to update the other 2 boards coz I know they are all very worried for you.
many hugs
Jude

Meredith, I had a good feeling about this one (or two!) for you, but didn't want to say............I've been stalking you though!

I'm so happy for you hun, what wonderful news :dance: TWO bubbas! I know the coming weeks will be fraught with worry for you, please make sure you hang on to us here on BB for strength.

Oh, and hopefully Michelle will see this and come in and tell you all about her subchorionic haematoma with Oscar, and how despite all the worry it put her through, he is here safe and sound, and larger than life :D

PHEW!! :cheer: What a relief!

Yep - bled with Oscar, bled with this one. Both had a subchorionic haematoma :rolleyes: They seem to stalk me during pregnancy and it seriously does my head in. But alfie arrived safe and sound and I have everything crossed edna will do the same. And I am ever so excited to see there are 2 :D Here if you need me or want a chat :hug:

Meredith- Fabulous news!!! will be:pray: for you my friend had a really bad bleed in her pregnancy and now has a 10 week old perfect baby girl:hug:

Meridth you have made my day I am crying in the off ice which is not a good look but mircles do happen sweetie. Now little ones listen to your Aunty TL and hang on so tight for mummy she has gone to a lot of trouble to create you a lovely home for the next 9 months

oh meredith, that's the best news. GL hun, keep on sticking babies!!!

Meredith that is fantastic news.... miracles do happen....:happyforyou:

Oh Meredith

I am just thrilled for you!

I too had some bleeding, at 13 weeks when pregnant with Abbey, not as much as you but frightening none the less, went for the scan totally prepared as you for the worst and she WAVED at us! Couldn't believe it!

Miracles do happen!

love that morning sickness for all that it is!

So happy for you.
All the best to you and your two "littlies"!

Hugs,
Debbie

Meredith,

I am so excited to read our second post! Thank God they are stillin your tummy! Congratulations on expecting twins. I pray they will both stay safe and you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy with no stress and complications :hug::dance::dance::dance:

A miracle indeed

i'm so happy for you meredith!
two little bubbas- wow!! :)

Meredith, I am so happy to read bubs are still there. :hug:

Meridith I have all my fingers and toes crossed for your 2 bubs. All the best.

thats the best news, praying both of your bubbas are well and keep on growing!

Wish i could say news remains good but things not going well.
Last night, again with no warning, started up with the really, really MASSIVE bleeding yet again.
Once I started passing fist sized clots, I decided it was time to go to an ER! Went to a private ER in the hope they would give me more of their time. so much for the 8/8/08 being lucky.... I had no luck at all.
Was kept waiting for 1.5hrs, going to toilet and passing clots without anyone taking any notice.
When i finally saw Dr, he was a total p#@!k. Said they can't do u/s's and it wouldn't change anything anyway. I shoud just go home and hopefully get one in the morning. He didn't even request bloods or check how much i was bleeding. It was a nurse who decided i had better have some bloods to at least check RBC count but I was still kicked out before any results. Continued to bleed heavily at home and for all they knew, I could have bled out!!
Bleeding as eased by this morning but still can't believe anything could have stuck through all that. There was so much blood and clots, I wouldn't know If I passed baby/ies or not.
Have managed to get a scan organised for 11am this morning but dreading actaully having it.
I am despeperate to have them both but Praying maybe at least one miracle baby might have made it

I'll be thinking of you at 11. Let me know if I can do anything :hug: