How am I supposed to feel? Maybe TMI for some....
This is all so surreal and so new to me, I don't know what I want....except....that I want my baby back.
Last Tuesday I heard the heartbeat, a healthy 163 bpm. On Friday morning I felt like cr*p so I rang the hospital and went to the Pregnancy Assessment Centre.
I was numb when the Dr scanned me and told me that there was no heartbeat. I cried for the first time when the midwife holding my hand squeezed me and I looked up and saw MY tears in HER eyes.
I was still numb when I was wheeled off for an "official confirmation" ultrasound in the Radiology Department. It didn't really register until afterwards when the insensitive sonographer commented that my baby might be dead but that I have a lovely healthy uterus and ovaries. I didn't WANT a healthy uterus and ovaries, I just wanted my baby!
The procedure and protocol were explained and a bed was booked for me on the gynae ward for an induction on Friday night. I had my dog in the car parked in the carpark and my children were with a friend so I had to leave the hospital to go home and make some arrangements for their care. It was SO hard to drive and keep concentrating on the road, knowing all the while that my dreams had been shattered. I felt sure I must have looked different...where people looking at me strangely or not? I don't know....I just know that I didn't feel like myself and I WANTED MY BABY BACK!!
I arrived back at the hospital at around 3.30pm and was shown to my room. A lovely serene single room where I could just chill by myself and become lost in my thoughts. Nurses came and went, obs were done, the doctor inserted a canula and took copious amounts of blood and I just sat there in a daze.
At 7pm the first dose of the hormones were inserted. And the waiting began. As the hours passed with nary a niggle, the waiting got harder. My headache was getting worse so I was given some Panadeine Forte (never fails to make me sleep) and I kind of dozed until around 1am when the night registrar came and introduced himself to me and inserted the second dose. He also recommended some sleep medication which I accepted gratefully. I did manage to go to sleep.
At around 2.30am I was jolted awake by a sharp pain in my belly followed immediately by some really intense cramping. I buzzed for the nurse and she came armed with Morphine. 30 minutes later I was laying quietly on my side and felt a gush so buzzed for the nurse again whereupon she confirmed that I had had a "show". She said it probably wouldn't be much longer and she was right. At 3.35am, I felt an odd sensation and some pressure and knew that my baby had just been born. I buzzed and again the wonderful Della was at my side.
My baby boy was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck twice, around his body and around his arm. He had wriggled himself into knots and that had been fatal for him.
R.I.P little man Zac (my little Anzac), you were inside me for 15weeks and 3 days. I don't regret for one minute ever having you, I just wish that you could have stayed. You will never be forgotten and you have taken a big part of me with you on your journey.
Da, please love him like I do.
My heart is breaking.
Lisa
