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Thread: How am I supposed to feel? Maybe TMI for some....

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Hobart, Tasmania
    Posts
    365

    Default How am I supposed to feel? Maybe TMI for some....

    This is all so surreal and so new to me, I don't know what I want....except....that I want my baby back.

    Last Tuesday I heard the heartbeat, a healthy 163 bpm. On Friday morning I felt like cr*p so I rang the hospital and went to the Pregnancy Assessment Centre.

    I was numb when the Dr scanned me and told me that there was no heartbeat. I cried for the first time when the midwife holding my hand squeezed me and I looked up and saw MY tears in HER eyes.

    I was still numb when I was wheeled off for an "official confirmation" ultrasound in the Radiology Department. It didn't really register until afterwards when the insensitive sonographer commented that my baby might be dead but that I have a lovely healthy uterus and ovaries. I didn't WANT a healthy uterus and ovaries, I just wanted my baby!

    The procedure and protocol were explained and a bed was booked for me on the gynae ward for an induction on Friday night. I had my dog in the car parked in the carpark and my children were with a friend so I had to leave the hospital to go home and make some arrangements for their care. It was SO hard to drive and keep concentrating on the road, knowing all the while that my dreams had been shattered. I felt sure I must have looked different...where people looking at me strangely or not? I don't know....I just know that I didn't feel like myself and I WANTED MY BABY BACK!!

    I arrived back at the hospital at around 3.30pm and was shown to my room. A lovely serene single room where I could just chill by myself and become lost in my thoughts. Nurses came and went, obs were done, the doctor inserted a canula and took copious amounts of blood and I just sat there in a daze.

    At 7pm the first dose of the hormones were inserted. And the waiting began. As the hours passed with nary a niggle, the waiting got harder. My headache was getting worse so I was given some Panadeine Forte (never fails to make me sleep) and I kind of dozed until around 1am when the night registrar came and introduced himself to me and inserted the second dose. He also recommended some sleep medication which I accepted gratefully. I did manage to go to sleep.

    At around 2.30am I was jolted awake by a sharp pain in my belly followed immediately by some really intense cramping. I buzzed for the nurse and she came armed with Morphine. 30 minutes later I was laying quietly on my side and felt a gush so buzzed for the nurse again whereupon she confirmed that I had had a "show". She said it probably wouldn't be much longer and she was right. At 3.35am, I felt an odd sensation and some pressure and knew that my baby had just been born. I buzzed and again the wonderful Della was at my side.



    My baby boy was born with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck twice, around his body and around his arm. He had wriggled himself into knots and that had been fatal for him.

    R.I.P little man Zac (my little Anzac), you were inside me for 15weeks and 3 days. I don't regret for one minute ever having you, I just wish that you could have stayed. You will never be forgotten and you have taken a big part of me with you on your journey.

    Da, please love him like I do.

    My heart is breaking.

    Lisa

  2. #2
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

    Default

    Oh Lisa, I am so very sorry that your little Zac was taken from you. My heart broke as I read your story. We are all here for you sweetie. Huge to you.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    NZ
    Posts
    2,554

    Default

    Lisa,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Many of us here on BB know how this loss hurts to the soul, and I am sure you will find much support for the things you are going through.
    The pain doesn't go away I'm afraid, 4 months later and with another baby finally brewing, I still want the one back that I lost, but I'm healing slowly.
    How lovely that you ask your Da to watch Zac, and I'm sure he will.

    The wya I got through it was to drink an awful lot of wine for a few weeks. Felt bloody good!!! A few nasty hangovers, but it was the way I needed to get through it.

    Maybe something like this - exercise, some alone time, or even a holiday will help you. I hope your family will also be some help for you, and your children help you realise how much love you have to share.

    Please dont be afraid to ask for help from all of us.
    Fi

  4. #4
    mumof2beauties Guest

    Default

    Hi Lisa
    How heartbreaking for you. I know exactly how you feel and there is nothing that can take the pain away...you have lost a son, no matter how small he was. I am sure he was just beautiful!!
    Time does take away some of the pain and we learn to get on with life. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who lve and understand you

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    tasmania
    Posts
    241

    Default

    i am so sorry lisa my heart goes out to you if there is anything i can do ...
    please email me where in tas are you maybe we can meet up oneday

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
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    Chasing Daylight...
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    2,034

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    Lisa I'm so sorry to hear your precious little Zac passed away. I understand how badly you want him back. You have every right to feel ripped off.

    I pray that over time your memories of him will be sweet, and that you and your other children find strength and hope in each other.

    Christine

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Giving the gift of life to a friend..
    Posts
    4,264

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    lisa, no words can comfort you or take away your pain...
    Your little man Zac has gone to play in the wonderful playground in the sky where many of our babies have gone too...
    But we will hold them in another life... For now they have more fun to have up there!!!
    Time will slowly take the lump from your throat & also the pain in your heart will get smaller, but the memories will always be there!!!

    Zac, please tell your new friends that we love & miss them all.......

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    in the valley of cuddles with mountains of smiles
    Posts
    2,369

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    Lisa
    I am so sorry to read of the loss of your precious son ~Zac~. It is so heartbreaking to be told your baby has passed away when you think they are safe in the womb. We will always want our precious little angels back.No matter how much time passes.

    My heart reaches out to you.I hope and pray the future holds much happiness in regards to more children.

    Be gentle with yourselves, grieve and cry as much as you need to. Draw on your great personal strength as you continue this journey.

    Trish
    "~♥~
    DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"

  9. #9
    Melinda Guest

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    Oh Lisa, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious Zac.

    No words can heal the heartache.........

  10. #10

    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    G.Waverley
    Posts
    537

    Default

    Oh sweetheart I'm so very sorry for the loss of Zac.

    Although no words can comfort you at this time, we're all here for you.

    Give yourself the time to grieve and take care of yourself hon.

  11. #11

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Funky Town, Vic
    Posts
    7,070

    Default

    Lisa, my heart is breaking too, I can't find any words to say. I wish Zac could have stayed.

    Your Da will love and take care of him for you


  12. #12

    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Werribee Melbourne
    Posts
    1,512

    Default

    I am so sorry for you loss Lisa, I can't begin to understand how terribly painful this must be for you.

    Please use the wonderufl support net work here in BB.

    There are many of us here who can lend a shoulder or an ear when needed.

    xoxo

  13. #13

    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Shepparton
    Posts
    4,871

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    I am so sorry to hear of your loss Lisa.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Tanya

  14. #14

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    boronia- vic
    Posts
    23

    Default

    Lisa honey

    I too am so sorry to hear of your loss - take comfort if you can in the knowledge that your Da is definately looking after Zac.

    Just breathe - take it minute by minute thats all you can do and know that unfortunately there are so many of us here on BB that know and share your pain.

    I hope you have a great support network and if you need us we are here

    I will be thinking of you


    xxxxxxxx

  15. #15

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    33

    Default

    Oh my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Take all the time you need to greive for your beautiful little boy Zac.

    My thoughts are with you and your family.

  16. #16

    Default

    Lisa,

    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious little Zac. I wish I had the words to ease your pain.

    I am sure that your little boy felt how much you loved him every day that he was with you and would continue to know his mother's love today.

    I will be thinking of you, Lisa and we will all be here to support you.

  17. #17

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    perth,Australia
    Posts
    2,302

    Default

    I am sorry lisa for the loss of zac...hugs to you.

  18. #18

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Victoria, Australia
    Posts
    150

    Default

    Lisa,

    Sweetheart I am so sorry that you had to go through this and for the loss of your beautiful Angel ~Zac~. Everything you are feeling is all normal and just go with it. Take it hour by hour and day by day and no more, cry, scream kick what ever you feel you need to do.
    From someone who had to be induced at 16 w, I feel your pain and have shed tears for you and your Angel.

    If you ever need to chat pls let me know and I will give you email or messanger details.

    Sending you hugh hugs
    Shazz.
    xx

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