I lost our DD at 18wks!!

Hi everyone, well i first came on this site to find out if the line i was seeing was actually a line(for BFP). Well in fact it was a line and was happily pg. Unfortunately we lost our precious daughter at 18wks gestation. The cause is still unknown which makes it hard. It was a shock to us all that this happened and im still trying to get grips of it. We had a lovely funeral for her on the 26/7/07. I have been feeling all over the place and dont really know where im at. I cant cry which really hurts me at the moment. I cant show how im really feeling to people. Everyone thinks im ok and thats cause i led them to believe that but really im not. Im crying so hard on the inside but i just cant do it in reality. I miss our little girl a lot and would give anything to have her back with us. I miss being pg with her and having a bump to show everyone. I feel like ive not only lost our baby but ive lost being pg as well. It really hurts seeing other people pg around me, its like they are throwing it in my face! Anyway thats my story, i hope that i can get to meet other people who have gone through similar circumstances. Also theres a link in my signature if you would like to see the site i have done for her.

Naomi, i am so sorry for your loss. i would do anything to stop this from happening to anyone ever again. you are so wise to have had a funeral for Oceana, to provide a few memories of her for you to hold on to. please don't worry about how your feelings are all over the place, and how it is difficult to cry. as you will no doubt hear from many others here, those are "normal" reactions to the tragedy you have experienced. your body and mind has put you into shock, which works to protect you from the hardest blows during this fresh grieving time. i often felt, when my son first died, that there was no way i could be in shock because it hurt so badly. but it turns out i was, and when it faded eventually, the pain increased again. it is our body's way of allowing us to live through incredibly difficult situations, and is ultimately a blessing. you will cry when you need to, and not before. the roller coaster of grief feelings will continue, and some good day(s) will come eventually, so let yourself feel what you feel. it sounds corny, but it is so true. the best thing you can do for yourself is to be good to yourself, which means feeling the pain when it is there and feeling as good as you can when it subsides. other people, even if they mean well, may say things that are hurtful or may not understand what you feel. give yourself the permission to be hurt, but also to know that you are doing and feeling what is necessary for you -- no matter what anyone else can understand.

seeing pregnant ladies and little babies is one of the hardest parts of this new world we inhabit. at first, for me, it was the pregnant ladies who hurt me to look at. i have a friend whose daughter died just days after birth who used to imagine that their bellies would explode when she looked at them -- she didn't want them to hurt, but she couldn't face their pregnancies. as my memories of pregnancy faded, i was left only with my extreme pain at seeing little babies. i have a nephew born three weeks before our son was stillborn, and i still feel like a knife is in my heart when i see him. i feel guilt, jealousy, anger and sadness, all at the same time. i wanted to tell you this so you would know that you are not the only one, that your feelings are so normal for such an abnormal situation.

i want to assure you that time does make things a bit better, and even though i am still deep into my grief about losing Yeti, i do have some good days. sometimes something (or nothing) will send me into a tailspin, but i am better than i was. i truly felt for about three months that life really would never be worth living again. i have hope now, hope for my life and my family's lives. i know, from experience, that my hope cannot be transferred to you, but please take what you can from the knowledge that time does eventually make a difference and that life can have meaning and hope again.

i visited your web site for Oceana, it is lovely and such a loving tribute from her family. Oceana must be so glad to have her loving parents and siblings who will always love her. take comfort from anything you can, and hold Oceana tight in your heart. i hope you can find support here at bb, it has made all the difference to me some days. i know this is such a long post, but your pain resonates with me and i want so to be able to provide some comfort. even if i can't help, i will always listen whenever you need someone to share your feelings. hugs, m

:hug: Naomi.

I'm so sorry, i can't begin to imagine your suffering. I cried at Oceana's site, it is so beautiful. Thinking of you and your family.

Bx

I’m so sorry for your loss, I don’t totally know how you feel but I can understand the emptiness you must be feeling. I pray that you and you DH will stay strong and he can also understand the way you are feeling. Make sure you talk with him about your feelings as you need as much support as you can get and it may be difficult for him to understand as he didn’t have the bonding that you established. I know that I wouldn’t have the same feelings as my DW would have if we had a loss at that early stage and I’d want her to express to me how she was feeling. Not that you have said how your DH is feeling, but I just wanted you to have an opinion from a males point of view.
Also something you may like to take a look at is a book called; Nine Days in Heaven: The Vision of Marietta Davis

Naomi, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
I cried at the beautiful memerable site you have dedicated to her.
Big Hugs to you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers....

Naomi, I am so sorry for the death of your daughter. I too lost my daughter at 18 weeks. In my case, I had an infection that wasn't properly diagnosed, which caused abruption of the placenta.
I looked at your website for her and it is beautiful. I love the pictures of the funeral. We had a funeral too, and I have never regretted it for a moment. Lots of people have said to me, "Wasn't it hard to plan your own child's funeral?" But as you know, it's the DEATH that's hard--the funeral is the least of it.
You will be so happy, as time goes by, that you have a beautiful place to go visit her and to know that she will always be there. I have done a lot of crying at the cemetery. I've also met other parents there, and there are other babies that I "check on" every time I go.
I read a very helpful book called When A Baby Dies. One of the best things it said was that you will never get over the loss of your baby. Somehow this reassured me. I knew that over time I would cry less, but the idea that I might forget the pain, and forget her, was horrible. That statement let me know that that would never happen.
Having said that, although her death will always leave a hole in your heart, over time it will become easier to bear. To get to that point, however, you have to grieve and that is the hard part. Whatever you feel now, is the right thing to feel. The tears will come, and probably at a time or place that is not the best--but just let them out. Auntie M's post above was great. As she said, it's your body's way of taking care of you.
During the few months right after DD's death, I found that it helped to do some mindless things. I watched comedies and had the radio on quite a bit. Every now and then something would make me laugh and when it did, I laughed my head off. Often that helped me cry too.
It hurts a lot to see other pregnant women. Do whatever you need to. If they are at work or at uni, I know it's impossible to avoid them, but otherwise if you feel like staying away....just do. Most of us do not feel like going to baby showers, talking about pregnancy, or even seeing the babies of friends or relatives.
I have to go now but I'll try to post again later. BIG HUGS.

Hi Naomi,

I'm really sorry for your loss - I lost my daughter at 17 weeks due to PROM from infection. I had been feeling really unwell in the days before but hadn't considered there might have been something wrong enough to cause a miscarriage. I was just so busy working and running around after my toddler.

The website is beautiful and the service you had must have been lovely. It looks like it was a lovely day with a blue sky.

Naomi

I have tears in my eyes for you hun...please know we are all thinking of you..

Little Oceana is so special and so blessed to have you as her mummy. She will always be with you sweety xo

Naomi I'm so sorry your beautiful little daughter passed away. The site you have done for her is very thoughtful and moving. Sending you big :hug: as you grieve her loss.

sorry to hear of your loss, and sending you a big hug.

Naomi, I am so sorry about the loss of your precious baby girl. Sending you big hugs

I'm so sorry for your loss!

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I miss being pg with her and having a bump to show everyone. I feel like ive not only lost our baby but ive lost being pg as well.

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I'm the exact same - I would have been 13 weeks and would at least be getting a bump. I'm still angry and annoyed with myself that I'm not - and I know it's not my fault, but this would have been our first and it's absolutely broken my heart that I m/c'ed - I was due on the 13th Feb, so that time next year will be very emotional for me.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss :grouphug:

Naomi, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little girl. The website you have created is beautiful. My thoughts are with you and your family...take care xxx

Naomi :hugs:
I am so very sorry and saddened to hear about the loss of your precious angel Oceana.
Reading your post has brought tears to my eyes also brought back so many memories.
I remember the pain of losing Noah like it was yesterday... mourning the loss of my baby and my pregnancy. I am so very sorry you have had to go through this too.
Thank you for sharing your site with us.
Please know I am here for you, if and when you ever need to talk, cry vent or whatever.
Love and hugs to you,

Lisa
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DS13 DD10 DS 6 months
Noah Thomas - born an angel 21 Feb 2006 (20w5d)

Naomi,
hun Im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. I cried at her website, like many others have. Im sure Oceana is shining down on your family from heaven.

hugs to you all
treelo

Naomi I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some answers as to why you lost your precious little girl.

When something like this happens to us, we go into shock, we try to deal with the heartbreak and devastation that surrounds us. Don't be too hard on yourself for not crying and don't worry about what others think. I remember when we found out that we had lost Cooper and my initial reaction was just to scream and cry because I didn't believe it could happen. When we finally had to ring our families and tell them it was like watching someone else make the phone calls. I was in shock and I wasn't crying when I made the calls. I can't remember what I said, I just remember not crying. Even when we were in the delivery suite giving birth to Cooper it still felt like it was someone else. When Cooper was born, I didn't cry initially because I was holding my son, my precious beautiful perfect son. It was only when he was taken away that I knew that I would never see him again that the tears started and since that I day I haven't been able to stop crying. I still cry every single day now although I can now think of my boy and smile.

It is so natural to feel numb because you have so many emotions that you just don't know which one to feel. I believe that we can remove ourselves from our body because sometimes the pain is just so unbearable. You just need to grieve for your little girl, scream if you need to, cry if you want to, just do whatever you need to do to get through the days.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful site with us. It is just heartbreaking and against nature to bury your own children. I remember when my DH carried Cooper's little coffin into the chapel - it just broke my heart..............it was so little and I couldn't believe I had to say goodbye. My heart goes out to you at the pain that you would have felt that day as I'm sure every mother and father of an angel baby do.

It is so hard to see pg women and all of sudden there seems to be so many and so many babies. Although I am now pg again I still find it hard to see pg women, I don't know why that is but it is just hard. I can't see babies. It is just so painful. The last baby I saw was mine and the next baby I will see will be mine.

Just know that it does get easier to get out of bed each day and it does get easier to move forward. Moving forward will not be about forgetting Oceana but about remembering her and honouring her memory. You will never forget, because how can you, she is your precious daughter.

Thinking of you and your DH and of course little Oceana. I hope Oceana and Cooper are playing together peacefully amongst the stars.

Take care :hug:

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Hi Naomi,

The website is beautiful and the service you had must have been lovely. It looks like it was a lovely day with a blue sky.

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Yeah it was a lovely day, sunny with a clear blue sky! As we were having the service there was heaps of birds in the tree above us making heaps of noise, ill never forget it!

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those are "normal" reactions to the tragedy you have experienced. your body and mind has put you into shock, which works to protect you from the hardest blows during this fresh grieving time.

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Maybe you're right! Maybe my body is trying to avoid exploding cause i know on some days i feel that im going too!! Im trying to be strong for my family and responsibilities i have to uphold but i want to grieve at the same time. I feel that i just dont have the time and it hurts like hell!!

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Even when we were in the delivery suite giving birth to Cooper it still felt like it was someone else. When Cooper was born, I didn't cry initially because I was holding my son, my precious beautiful perfect son. It was only when he was taken away that I knew that I would never see him again that the tears started and since that I day I haven't been able to stop crying.

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The same thing happened to me too. I didnt initially cry when i first saw her, i was holding my beautiful daughter but when they came to take her away that hurt so much. I even cried in front of my inlaws. It was so hard to say goodbye, i knew it was going to be the last time i was going to see her again. It just wasnt fair to send my baby to the morgue and make funeral arrangements. Its my baby, its not the way its supposed to be.

Anyway thanks everyone for your lovely posts. Its great to know that theres people out there who understand what im going through. Thanks again!

Hi Naomi

i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful baby girl i totally understand what you are going through i lost my DD AT 23 wks and its the hardest thing i have ever being through and like you i didnt really cry when people were around i usually waited till the night time and then i sobbed and sobbed i would wake up with swallon eyes all my family and friends said how well i was coping but deep down i wasnt no one really new how i was feeling i just put on a brave face as i didnt want people to worry about me and i didnt want to feel like a burden to people but i am seeing a counsellor now as i just feel like i need to realease the emotions for me to move forward i really hope you have a supportive family and that you talk to each other its one of the saddest things that could happen also your website is so beautiful i wish i had taken more memerable pictures its a yr today since my DD funeral and i dont think anyone remembers so feeling a little down as i miss her so much like you said you miss being pregnant i feel as though she should be here in my arms and how its just not fair that these beautiful babies dont make it into this world take care of yourself.

Munchy xxx