When things just don't workout the way you thought they would

Ok so here it is I am no longer scared to post this and feel that I owe it to other members who maybe going through similar been through something like this that there is someone else out there that knows what it feels like.

Now I address this by saying I did not post my fears or questions on many of these topics because I was scared of what would be said to me and that I would be judged. But to ensure BB remains the supportive community I want it to be I have to be prepared for the comments and place this information here. Because I know a good friend of mine went through similar issues and did not know things were not working 100% and if I had posted her maybe she could have spoken to me.

Many of you may know my story and know that after 2.5 years of IVF I now have a beautiful 11 week old girl and this is also as much to celebrate her as it is for others to read.

I got my BFP after my 6th IVF stim cycle and started to spot at 5 weeks just before my first scan one of the scariest moments in my life until at 10 weeks I was on my way to the airport in Melbourne and had a full on bleed and passed a blood clot the size of my hand. That was it I had miscarried they told me lost my baby she was gone I was alone away from my husband yes my family were there but that was not the same. I come home the next day cry abit and go back to work on the Monday ring my FS to arrange the D&C and check-up. Lucky for me he scans me and we see a heartbeat me still bleeding and spotting has a strong baby with a heart beat :dance: the bleeding and spotting went on till 12 weeks and I was put on a limited moment preg routine. Work, Home, Rest and walking for only 15 mins a day. Not the pregnancy I planned but worth it.

Charlotte was a baby who liked to lye diagonally across Mummy's Tummy for most of the pregnancy. Then at 30 weeks she magically had gone head down yay now it was only my health to consider to weather we went CS or not. At my 32 week visit she was diagonal again now we had a decision to make, I was Anaemic and the chance of a haemorrhage would mean great blood loss and maybe a baby without Mum and is it worth Mum stressing for her to turn. Then I came home and spoke to my husband I was not aware of how uncomfortable the risks I would be taking with a natural birth made him so with consultation with our OB we decided that 1 child was a blessing and if we got a 2nd another CS would not be the end of the world and for the health and sanity of all we opted for a CS.

My CS was the most amazing experience I was led and fully involved in the birth of my baby girl and would do it again in a heartbeat. Not anywhere near as scary or terrifying as people made it out to be. In the end there was a vein over Charlottes head so I was very lucky that a CS was our chosen way.

Then came my dream of Breastfeeding, my iron levels were tested and I was given the ok to feed my girl. With G cup breasts though however my little girl's mouth was too small and no matter how hard we tried we could not get her to attach. The midwifes were helpful they tried and tried to show me different ways to attach and feed. Finally one night while I was in tears a lovely lady came on and into my room and said love sometime it just does not work. I have large breasts too I express fed my little ones when they could not attach. Well I thought I have a pump at home if it is there as backup if I need it. We struggled through the next 24 hours of feeds and then after 2 hour and no real attachment at 2am in the morning I tried the pump and the bottle and she drank up straight away my poor hungry baby. The exclusive expressers were a great support on BB but I had a few comments from other members that expressing I may lose my milk supply sooner so when this happened I was way too scared to post about it going on.

The thing is my family have a history of losing milk at about 4 weeks and my GP stressed to me that it was normal and I was in no way harming my baby by feeding EBM and FF combo to my darling girl. Thank god I was feeling like such a crappy Mummy at this stage. Charlotte told me when the EBM that I had stored and was expressing was no longer enough and the formula was what she wanted and at this stage I had absolutely no iron stores and an iron count of 91 which meant she was not getting what she needed from Mum. It was time for me and her to stop the breast milk and move onto full time FF.

Today she is a happy alert 11 week old girl who loves to sleep in her Mummy?s sling, looks adoringly into her Mummy's eyes when she has her bottles and sleeps every well. We did what we had to, to ensure Mummy, Daddy and Baby are all healthy and well and we can enjoy our lives as a family.

If you have made it to the end thankyou and if you need support don't be afraid to ask for it there are others out there that have been through the same you are not alone

:hug:

Thats very brave of you honey to put it all out there.

You know I'm behind you 110% no matter what way you choose to bring up your little girl. I've seen her look adoringly into your eyes whilst feeding, and it touched my heart. You are an amazing mum - with an equally amazing daughter.

I'm very blessed to have a friend like you in my life!

:hug: You are such a beautiful mummy and should be so proud of yoursel and the beautiful little girl you have. :hug: I hope getting this out has helped you. :hug:

What a great story.
At the end of the day you got what you wanted, a healthy baby and you in good enough health to be able to enjoy her.
Thats all that it needs to be about.
Congrats xx

Thankyou for sharing that Linda! You were one of the first people I really admired when I started reading BB and I felt so privilidged to be in your baby buddy group when I finally got the courage to join. I think you are such a fantastic person and Mum! I can't wait to meet both of you :)

Linda :hug: you are an amazing mum! I know it is terrible when things don't go the way we had hoped or planned or dreamed for. But Charlotte really is a happy and healthy baby girl and you do a brilliant job with her.

I wished (and still wish) I could bf my daughter and have that special connection with her. I know when I read some posts on BB I feel terrible for being a formula feeder. I also didn't tell people on BB when we went to FF for fear of what they would think. In hindsight, you are right, there are so many mummies like me out there who need to know that they are doing a great job no matter how they feed their bubs. Being a formula feeder often means dealing with mummy guilt and we need the support of our mates to get through it.

FF is no relfection on our abilities as mum's, we are raising happy healthy babes and should be so proud of our efforts!

:hug: for you Linda.

I am a little surprised that you have refrained from posting things for fear of retribution and am so sorry that you feel like that. I have always read your posts and thought that you were a wonderfully strong and supportive woman and were always prepared to make your suggestions and give advice and if people wanted to listen that was fine and if they didn't that was fine too - but you have always come across as a special soul with so much love and support to offer others on BB. It makes me sad that there aren't more people like you about and that you haven't always found people to be as open and giving as you are.

Please remember that every decision you make for your bub is absolutely the best one that you can for them and for you. Granted, having people judge you or tell you that you are endangering your child, or decisions that you make will come back to bite you never helps but I can tell you that as far as I am concerned you are a fantastic Mum and a wonderful member of BB and I am sure that I am not speaking out of turn when I say that we all love you very much and appreciate everything that you add to our little community.

I think that this post is a wonderful example of people putting it out there because it may just be that at 3 in the morning one dark winter night a desperate mother is second guessing herself not knowing if she is making the right decision and not knowing if she will find the support that she needs.

Thank you for sharing your story, Linda. I'm only new on BB and have (still am at times) gone through some issues since DS was born. It's nice to know there are others out there who can relate, that I am not alone and that there is support there if needed. I look forward to meeting you and your lovely Miss C on Friday.

I hope you feel a lot better after getting all your feelings out. Not everything goes perfectly to plan all the time, but, in the end you have a beautiful, happy, healthy baby girl. She knows you love her completely, no matter how you feed her, and that is what matters. You are a wonderful mummy, and breast feeding is not the be all and end all.

No matter what you do as a mum you will feel "mummy guilt"
"mummy Guilt" is something we label ourselves with, be happy with your descision no matter what and there will be no guilt.
no one had children to raise them how jo blo or mrs smith believes we should.. we have them to give them OUR love and OUR family values..

I think as mums we need to stop expecting the pat on the back from other mums for every choice we make!!
Its time we pat our own backs and congratulate our selves for making the desicion right for us and our family

Linda hun, I'm just going to move this to the parenting de-briefing forum so you can post with 100% certainty of not being judged at all as you work through this, as I know only too well the feelings about feeding.

I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt about having to give up breastfeeding. I stopped breastfeeding my DD at 3 months because my milk had dried up and I hadn't realised until I weighed her and she weighed just over 4kg at 13 weeks. It was pretty scary (considering her birth weight was 3.8kg). I didn't use BB at the time and felt very much alone. I didn't look at the signs that it wasn't working for us and just thought I had a very difficult, very fussy baby. Of course she was difficult and fussy - she was starving!

I think it is great that you post your story on here - it certainly would have helped me. I agree, BM is best for babies, but for women who simply cannot bf their baby, it can be a source of great guilt. Thanks Linda for being so brave and sharing this ;)

Thanks everyone!

Trillian Thanks babe was not sure where to post this but as I said to you in my email it is valuable for others to know as well as me :)

Linda - I know exactly where you are coming from I tuely do!
I had an emerg c-section not the natual birth that I had my heart set on and I never made any milk at all and after being told it will come and it never did went to FF - Bella is a beautiful alert and amazing 6 month old that is in the 97th percentile for all her stats - I cant ask for more that that of my baby girl.
No matter how they get here or how they are feed as long as they are loved that all that matters!!
I hope you feel better and you are a wonderful mummy! Please feel free to PM me anytime and I have and still am going through all that you are.

Kate xox

No worries Linda :) It will be so valuable for you to have this thread where you can come and hash things out and try to find peace with it all, because it can take a while :hug: You may think you are going along just fine and dandy and then something happens to bring it all crashing down again. If you like, have a read of my de-brief here http://forums.bellybelly.com.au/foru...-de-brief.html and you will see that you are not alone. It is something that I did struggle with for a very long time but I have now come full circle. I hope that someday you do too. And never forget that it's not always about the way they are fed - the WHO might not have formula feeding at the top of its list for infant nutrition preferences, but it is still there as sometimes it is the only choice we have isn't it? You can only live for the moment, and not dwell on what could have been because at every stage you did your very best and that's all she is going to know - that she has a Mum who loves her so much that she made the ultimate sacrifice by NOT continuing, to make sure that she had a full belly. You do have to look at it holistically and work out at what point it becomes your need to continue BF'ing through problems as opposed to her needing it kwim? I think there is a lot to be said for taking that view of it - I can't see any point in battling every feed for god knows how long, just to be able to say you did it, when all that time you could have been enjoying every moment of newborn feeding instead of spending every waking moment dreading trying to get it to work. Because this stage is such a short period in their lives that you don't want to reflect back on it in years to come and only have bad memories kwim?

:

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You do have to look at it holistically and work out at what point it becomes your need to continue BF'ing through problems as opposed to her needing it kwim? I think there is a lot to be said for talking a that view of it - I can't see any point in battling every feed for god knows how long, just to be able to say you did it, when all that time you could have been enjoying every moment of newborn feeding instead of spending every waking moment dreading trying to get it to work. Because this stage is such a short period in their lives that you don't want to reflect back on it in years to come and only have bad memories kwim?

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:clap: Brilliant point!

Great point Shreee and that is what we did at the time what was best for us so we could enjoy our time as baby and Mum.

I in no way upset by my move for me it was always on the cards so knowing she is healthy is the most important thing.

Thanks for your story too

Trill you are so lovely. What a beautiful post to Linda...

Tigger - I just wanted to clarify something, because I'm sad that you felt you couldn't post about things on the forum, but also to make sure it wasn't me that made you feel you couldn't.

I'm always the first to point out that expressing can be stressful ( hence my assumption ;) ), because I think it can be (it certainly was for me), and because I hate seeing anyone beating themselves up if they find it hard. I'd never imply that expressing can dry your milk up, cos I don't believe it does and that's the last thing anyone would need to hear when they are struggling with feeding their baby no matter how they feed them.

DS ended up being FF too - I felt in a jam when it came to posting about it because I didn't want to offend any FF'ers because I hated it so much :rolleyes:.

Lulu not just one person hun a number of comments with my CS and FF decisons had made me feel unsure about posting. And I in no way want to point the finger at anyone for making it uncomfortable.

It is a long journey after IVF and a not so easy preg

Well don't let it stop you posting in the future chickie. Gawd I remember being so sad about you losing Miss C, only to find she wasn't lost at all!

:clap: :clap: :clap:

Luv ya Linda. Look forward to seeing you again soon, and getting a cuddle with your beautiful girl.

TL, thank you so much for sharing. I am sorry that at times when you needed support you didn't feel able to ask for it. But I am so glad that you are able to share now to help others. I hope that this is a community where people can post about how they really feel and what is going on, without fear of judgement. At the end of the day things usually don't go as planned with babies, and we are all just trying to do the best we can.

I think you are doing an amazing job with your DD hun. :hug:

TL - thanks for sharing your story. As someone who is yet to go through labour/birth, breastfeeding and all the other new experiences/decisions a baby will bring - your story is inspiring. All the decisions you and your DH made were the best for you, your Miss C and your family - anyone who judges you for that probably has a lot of issues of their own they need to deal with (IMO). This forum is richer for wonderful women and mothers like you who offer so much to other members. I hope I have your courage and grace when its my turn.

Linda hun, I often think about you and the thoughts that come up are "Geez Linda is one strong, amazing Mum." The reason I think this is both because of your journey to have Miss C in your life, and the way you are being a Mummy now.

You have had such a rough, difficult journey. So many cycles of IVF. So many heartbreaks before even having the huge scare in your pregnancy with Miss C. Then you thought you had lost your precious baby. And then you've had to make difficult decisions not just for the best thing for your baby, but your OWN health in deciding on your CS. I thought "Linda is one strong lady, she is forthright, she is determined, she has had huge struggles and she gets back up and keeps working away for what she knows is the best thing."

I was so proud of you for deciding the things you did for you birth, and you had a *wonderful* birth - something to be so very proud of! Miss C came into the world into her adoring mother and father's arms in the way that was *completely* right for you and Miss C.

Since then you've been tirelessly doing everything you can to give your baby girl the best start to her life, whilst making sure that her Mum is well also. Hard decisions to make again. Full time expressing is HARD and it's something I could never have considered doing with a newborn baby let alone now. Yet you did this to give your baby the best you could. And you have continued to make strong, thoughtful decisions about the best way to give you baby a settled, happy time with her settled, happy HEALTHY Mum. And this is *the* most important thing that you can give her, ahead of anything else. Settled. Happy. Well fed. Full stop.

On top of all of this, you have started up your own business and I continue to think "Wowee, Linda is one amazing woman!"

And through all of this, you show the most wonderful, loving and caring support for so many of us here on BB. You are one special, special lady. Don't you ever doubt that. All the decisions you have made are because of the love that's inside you - for your baby, for yourself, for your family, for your friends on BB. There is so much love in Linda from my perspective! Yes, things worked out differently than your expectation, but this is one of the things I have found is the biggest, most important lesson to learn as a new mum. Things aren't always what you expect, and they change constantly in any case.

In fact, you get to make things better than you expect and that is exactly what you are doing hun. You're absolutely super. And I admire you so very very much for the person you are, what you have been through.

I'm so glad you came and expressed yourself and shared what has been going on for you and I really hope it has made a great big difference and helped you to let go of it and make peace with the things that didn't work out the way you thought they would.

Biiiiig hugs.

miss c you have me in tears thanks sweetie

Hun, you know how amazing I think you are. I want to jump on Miss_C's post and say she has said everything that I too feel about you. You are amazing, inspiring (yes, you are an inspiration for me on this journey hun), honest and the most caring of mums and friends.

Your post has given me some food for thought. In fact I think it is useful for LTers to hear and share these experiences and it may be something you could consider sharing with the Parenting ALTTTC if you wanted.

Lots of love xx DW

Linda,

I had no idea you were feeling this way.. :hug:

You do an amazing job! I struggled so much when I first had DD, and I look at you and think if I had even half your wisdom and courage back then, I would have saved myself and DH a lot of heartache..

Thanks so much for sharing, and I hope you feel better for getting it out there. And it doesn't matter how you feed Miss C, she is loved, and that's what matters!

I loves you too hun. And on the c-sect front I really hope I was able to help you way back when...

You are wonderful determined mummy, and those who know you, know that your little girl comes first in this world and that you make these decisions based on love for her and her best interests. And you do this while also selflessly thinking of all the rest of us and supporting us, no matter what you are going through yourself. thank you.

xoxo

You are amazing Linda - I have often read your posts and been inspired by your sensitive and insightful responses and suggestions.
Being a mum has challenged me in ways I would never have thought - mostly when the path I have taken is not the one I had hoped for. I still have had to remind myself that whatever works best for my family is the way forward for us all. It may not be what I had pictured but that's ok - it is not a negative reflection on my abilities as a mother or the love I have for my family, infact the complete opposite. I am often staggered by the competitive nature of mothers and the lack of compassion displayed - as everyone has their struggles.
I have never met you but I can tell you are an amazingly brave person, a fabulous mother and will touch more people than you could ever realise. Thank you.

dusty can you share this with the ltttcr's for me

Good on you for putting this out there Linda! I admire you for trying to create awareness and bring this out into the open

Some people are so righteous in their beliefs that lots of people are scared into not talking about so many issues. I think that it is terrible that mums are doing what is best for them and their babies and then feeling bad about it, as if you don't have enough stress with a newborn baby. Women need to rally together and support everyone's choices even if they might not be your own.

When my mum was organising my baby shower (imagine super excited first time grandma, over the top with printed games booklets and helium balloons and party favours) she was showing one of her neighbours a picture of a nappy cake made out of disposable nappies that she ended up making for me and the stupid woman just looked at mum with an evil look and said, "don't you know how bad those things are for the environment." Talk about crushing someone's hopes and dreams. I didn't even consider using cloth and am quite happy using disposables but maybe one day someone will be able to convert me :D

Oh Funky Frog your poor Mum I can only imagine how proud she was I would have loved a nappy cake :lol: of spoies as we are using them too for Miss C as she has got her Mummys skin that gets a rash at the drop of a hat :)

:hug: to your Mum I would love to see a Pic :)

I'm sorry you felt this way. And I hope nothing I've said has lead you to feel this way. But I would just like to tell you something from the heart. I for one care not how a woman births her baby so long as she chooses what is right for her. That is the only problem I have, I can assure you of that (when a woman's choice is not respected). And friends of mine who have chosen C/S and FF will confirm this. Yes I get passionate, but if that passion has been misunderstood I am sorry for that, but I just want you to know that I (and I know I am only one measly member :p) support you and am happy for you that your birth was everything you wanted and more.

And for what it is worth, I too have always thought you were amazing in your journey. You were always so strong and supportive. And something that I will never forget is your "affirmative avatar" I loved looking at it, it always made me smile. As when we went through LTTTC affirmations were what kept me sane.

Be proud of your journey and be happy for your choices, this is the best thing a mother can do for their baby and for themselves. C/S or FF you are an amazing woman and mother :hug: And thats not meant as a negative at all ;)

Like others have said, we always find something that we feel guilty for and I hope you can take these things off your list xxx

hun you are doing an awesome job!! and good on you for posting about this, i know it would of helped me way back when my dd was a baby

my dd is ff and i am PROUD of it, its nothing to be ashamed about, my milk was not enough for my dd, and god knows we tried, i was judged by all including my doctor, the midwives and my friends. but at the end of the day i couldnt stand hearing my new born baby crying cos she was so hungry, so we ff her and she was like a different baby, she slepts for more then an hour at a time, she was content, no more crying and most of all i felt happy cos no matter what my daughter was getting food!! yeah i wished i could of bf but it just wasnt meant to be. dd and i still got to bond, just like a bf baby, everytime we had a bottle, she would lay there and would look at me, scanning my face and gazing into my eyes, it was so wonderful, i will never foget them 3am feeds with the light on dim and looking down into my babies eyes, holding her in so close and looking at her tiny little hand holding onto my finger. ohhhhh what i woudnt do to go back in time just to have 5 minutes of that again.

oh hun your doing an awesome job, enjoy it sweetie, they grow up way to fast :)

Thanks M2C those gazes are just amazing aren't they :)

TL I remember reading your thread about how you nearly lost Miss C when you were maybe 12 weeks pregnant. I had tears in my eyes, thinking how sad and unfair that a pregnancy that you wanted so much, that you worked so hard for, was slipping away. I kind of lost track of the thread and it wasn't until weeks later that I realised hang on, you got through it and you were still pregnant. I was so happy for you, and I'm sure my feelings were shared by so many of us here. Having a CS or having to FF, in my eyes, is a tiny thing in the overall picture of your lifelong relationship with your daughter.
I think in life it's not so much what you choose as the way you choose it. And everything you've chosen has been chosen with love, with careful consideration, and with a firm focus on the best interests of all concerned. That's absolutely the best anyone can do.

Thanks everyone :hug: