Family Complications???

Ok I'm not sure whether or not I'm making a big deal out of this or not but I wanted to see if other first time Mum's had their own mother in the birth suite for the labour??

My hubbie and I have had long discussions about this and feel we would like to do it on or own without my Mum there, however when I told her she seemed to be a bit upset like I didn't want her involved at all which is not the case.

I know with my sister and her first Bub my Mum was their and her hubby was very uncomfortable with her being their aswell. We don't want to start this beautiful journey my hubbie and I are about to embark on with resentful and uneasy feelings.

I think I just need reassurance that it's not always common for the mother of the bubs Mum to be in the delivery room.

my mum wasn't there - the only reason she even knew i was in the hospital was cos i was at her house when they called saying they needed me to come in (induction due to pre-eclampsia) and DH was at work so mum drove me over. my DH isn't comfy with my mum, i didn't want to feel like i was on someone elses timeline to deliver, so she was told not to be at the hospital, we'd call when DD arrived. at first, she was MEGA-narky about it. i ended up saying "get over it - you won't be there - it is OUR child not yours and there is no need for you to be there"

she was the first person we called (and it was me that made the call after returning from theatre after c/s - so it was a little while later) and she accepted that

make it clear now that, as much as you need her support, while you're labouring/birthing your baby it's all about you and your DH

i think the point that got through to my mum was that i wanted to be able to spend time bonding with DD before other people were asking to hold her. we wanted to do baby led attachment cos i was determined to BF - and i didn't want to feel uncomfy/like i had to cover up - and even though it was my mum, i knew when she was there she'd be a bit snap happy with the camera - it was something i just didn't want...

Hi...

I had my mum in with me for my first, .... I was very young at the time...but having said that I have had a support person there (apart from DH) every other time. With number 3 I had Mum again and a friend as well as DH. We have a friend of ours coming in with us this time as well.

Our reason is that it can be quite intense and it is good to have a backup person not just for yourself but for DH also. However it is important that that is someone you BOTH are happy with, it's his experience too... I think ultimately it's about what the two of you are comfortable with.

It is not up to your mother...yes I can understand why she wants to be there, I would love to be too, but it is not her birth experience, it is yours & your DH's and the decision is for the two of you.

My sister just had her first...her DH didn't want her mother there at first but changed his mind..IMO it's a good thing for another person to be there, especially an older woman who has 'been there done that'.... but not at the cost of yours & your DH's ease, kwim?

So, I can't tell you how many have had their mothers there..I'm sure some have & some haven't.... but I am certain that it needs to be your decision.

Good luck :hug:

Good lord no. My mother has not been in the delivery room at either birth. I could think of nothing worse.

I love my mum dearly but that time is for me and DH only (oh, & the midwife of course LOL!!). First birth she went shopping with my father & the next one she looked after DS1.

I suppose it is what the both of you are comfortable with. Some people see their mums as an integral support person but for me, that person is my DH. Oh, and I don't feel comfortable swearing in front of my mother & as that is how I usually deal with pain, I figured there woul be plenty of swear words flying. I was right!! Besides if I did anything to DH (like smacking him in the head - it really was an accident though), at least there would be not witnesses to repeat stories :D.

I didn't have my mum at my DS's birth. It was just me and DH. It was never an issue with our respective families - there was no pressure or hinting etc. I am close to my mum and she is medically trained but I just really wanted it to be an experience for DP and I for similar reasons to Briggsy's Girl. I don't think we're that uncommon ;)

I think it's really important that you are BOTH comfortable and relaxed. You won't labour as well if you feel even mildly anxious about something or if you're picking up on your DH's discomfort. Sometimes its good to have a third person available as Jasp said but sometimes you really need to just be quiet and in yourself and concentrating and not get too distracted by other people around you if that makes sense. You won't know how you'll labour until you labour but you sound like you've talked about it enough to have a fair idea.

If you're both definitely decided that it's just going to be the two of you, it might be best to just be upfront with her now, acknowledge she might be disappointed but explain your reasons and leave it at that. You are not your sister - just because your sister had her there, doesn't mean she should have assumed that you would do the same (if in fact that's what's she's done). There are so many other ways for grandparents/parents to get involved.

ETA: Good luck darl!

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Good lord no. My mother has not been in the delivery room at either birth. I could think of nothing worse.

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Couldn't agree more!
I didn't have my mum in the delivery room for either of my 2 births, it's been 15 years now and I haven't changed my mind for the third.

But it is your birthing experience the decision should be yours and DH's.
You should do whatever you're both comfortable with, good luck I'm sure everything will work out in the end :)

just thought i'd add - i did have my sil in the labour ward until i went down for c/s - her and DH get along really well, and she was there just as an extra person to take photos and things - and to have someone with me while he went to sleep (it had been a looooong few days)

SIL was ONLY in there cos DH gets along with her - if he hadn't i'd have not had anyone extra. she stepped back and didn't interfere - she didn't make anyone uncomfy etc sometimes an extra person is a blessing - but you BOTH need to agree on who that is

I choose to have my mum there with my first two only because my now ex is hopeless at the birth bit, and mum stayed out of the room unless I wanted her in. With bub no 3 it was me dh and midwifes. My mum never expected to be there with any of the and only came because I asked her to.

To me it is your choice and if you don't want your mum there then you shouldn't.

I had my mum the first time, and DH really appreciated someone to support him. This time however everyone (including DH) was 600km away.
With my first bub, MIL was actually the offended one when she asked if she could attend and was told 'no thanks'.
My mum was a little offended when my sister asked me to go with her for her first bub, but she never would have told my sister that.
Geepers that was a ramble, but no I don't think it's that common. She can always be part of doctors/clinic visits, scans etc if you still want to include her....or not - your preg, your decision
I think it really depends on the relationship both you and your DH have with her.

My mum wasn't there when I had ds. Beforehand I couldn't think of anything worse than having her there, but about half way through the labour everything was going wrong and all I wanted was my Mum (besides the pain to end). But she was 5 hours away, so no way of it happening.

Maybe have her on call incase you change your mind in labour.

I loved my mum and had a great relationship with her but never had her at either of my DDs births. She never expected to be included and was always the first person I called when the bub had been born.
Since she has died and I have spilt from my 1st husband I kind of wished she had been there for DD1's birth cause then there would have been someone besides me who remembered the birth but its no big deal.
I think its rude of her to expect to be there, I certainly don't expect my DDs to have me at their births.

I will be having my mum (along with my DH) - but we have set some ground rules for her - ie DH is the primary support etc. when Blake is born - she can have a quick cuddle (after us) and then she will leave us alone as a family to bond etc.

I always wanted more than one support person, both DH's sisters have complained their DH's wore out too quickly and had to be roused on several occaisions LOL

In the end its your decision and like it or not your mum has to respect that.

No way - my mum is not going to be there when I deliver!! It's not that we don't get along, I just wouldn't be comfortable with her in the room.
Plus giving birth to my son & meeting him for the first time is going to be so special for my DH & I - I don't want to share that with anyone!!
That being said she hasn't asked to be there so I never had to tell her that she wasn't welcome. Your mum should understand that it's your decision though.

No - I think DP would have had a fit if my mum had been there and there is no way that I could have relaxed with her there either.

Second time around my mum and MIL were in charge of DD1 so they had their hands full with their own very important job :D

I think it's a bit odd that your mum had an expectation that she would be there? Don't take this the wrong way, but surely she should be taking your lead on things and supporting your decisions?

Me and my husband made the baby, we will parent the baby and we will bring the baby into the world. I also want to make sure after baby is born that we get some time just the three of us before the grandmothers swoop! In fact, we've made it clear that they aren't to come to the hospital until we say we are ready.

I think you just need to stick to your guns and make it clear that you expect your mum to support your decisions, whatever they might be.

No way do I want anyone but DH there. Luckily mum never had any desire to be in there - She says that she has been in the labour ward too many times in her life as it is (she had seven labours herself). My MIL had to be told quite firmly and repeatedly both times that she was not allowed to come in - I think she has finally got the hint, because she hasn't even suggested it once this pg.

You may change your mind once you are in labour, particularly if it's a long one like I had (17 hours full on labour).

My partner and I agreed it would be just us in the labour ward.

After a day of prelabour & 6 hours of labour at home and a few at the hospital I realised my partner had called his mum & my parents & they were all on the way to the hospital. He asked if it was OK if his mum could come in. At first I was a bit shocked as we had agreed on having just us. He talked me into it pretty quickly though & I'm actually glad she came in. She gave heaps of support & rubbed my back & stuff & if he needed to have a break (like to go to the loo or have a smoke) it meant I always had someone with me. When my parents arrived they came in and out but when the actual birth happened I got the middy to get everyone except my partner to leave. That worked really well.

My mum lives in the UK but there's no way in the world that I would have had her in the delivery room with me in any case.

If and when DD gives birth, however, she will have to barricade the door to stop me being there ... and I imagine DP won't be far behind me. Poor girl LOL.

My mum was there for most of the labour, i was induced at 7am and she had to get a bus from country vic so she go to me around 12 noon and had emerg cs at 2132.
She was not in the way she went out for smokes and went and got DH drinks etc

Gosh I would have hated my mum to be there. Love presenting bubs to her so much more!!!!

Jo

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I think it's a bit odd that your mum had an expectation that she would be there? Don't take this the wrong way, but surely she should be taking your lead on things and supporting your decisions?

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I have to chuckle at your blissful naivete! I know mothers who are very un-presumptuous, and I also know of mothers who take offence at being excluded. My own mother did not only take offence, she didn't talk to me for 10 days afterwards (and wouldn't 'give me the satisfaction' of validating my choice by even seeing her grandson in person) because she thought she had some 'right' (that she never discussed with me, incidentally, until after the fact) to be involved...and when pushed about this, couldn't and wouldn't pinpoint just at which stage she thought she should be involved. She had her own adjustments to make and thought that being there would have made all the difference. If we had another kind of relationship, perhaps. Had she even discussed it with me, perhaps. She knew I just wanted DP and I there and she never contested my wishes...just silently seethed about it. Most constructive :rolleyes:
Anyway, it boils down to YOU being comfortable with the people there - no better way to slow down labour than to be unsure of whoever's around you. We're mammals and our mammalian brain takes over during labour and birth, seeking security and comfort to birth optimally.
If YOU are comfortable with who's there, that's all that matters, cos chick, this time it is ALL ABOUT YOU. And the 'you' incorporates your child - you are inseparable entities at this time and post-birth. If you want your mother there and your DP doesn't, then the fairest thing is for him to deal with his issues and let that happen. If you don't want her there, then leave instructions with the hospy staff - they'll comply :)
This time I'm going the homebirth route and thought about involving my mum with DS for a little while. She started quoting AMA and RANZCOG comments from newspapers to me so she was left well off the attendee list! There is no way she's going to be there whilst she's so ready to criticise the way I'm going to give birth. The first time round she kept saying 'I am praying that you don't have too much pain for too long', and when I told her I'd be fine because I'd done my HypnoBirthing and it was likely to be a great birth she said I needed to 'trust in God' instead. I wasn't going to have her vocalising this to me during labour, making it all about her and her wish for my 'salvation', rather than respecting my birth plan. That was a FBC birth, so I don't trust her enough for my current plans! Her reasons for wanting to be there were about HER and she still rejects that DS's birth was when it was allowed to be about ME.
Not one single person has an automatic right to be there at the birth, not even the father. Everyone needs to realise it's a privilege and that there are strings attached!

DH and I had both our mums there. It was fine, they stayed out of the way - mum took photos of the birth and was extra support to me, and MIL was support to DH. With our 2nd it was just DH and I as it will be with our 3rd.

Wow thanks guys this has been a great help. Alot of what you have all experienced is so similar to my situation. I have an excellent relationship with my mother but this sort of thing my hubby and I think is something we should do together. We decided to try for a baby as a couple, we will be raising the child as a couple so its only right that it starts that way from the beginning I feel.

I have recently (like within the last few hours) actually discussed this and my feelings about it to my Mum and Sister and the outcome wasn't what I expected at all.
She has said she supports me and our decision for our birth plan but backs it up by also saying that 'you shouldn't exclude people then expect them to help after'. Now I have never once asked my Mum for anything during this pregnancy. I have even included her in some doctors and scan visits. I know that ill need some help when Bub arrives and have even told her that, so she knows I want her to be included. I think this comment was very selfish of her because she has a bee in her bonnet still about not being allowed to be in the room.
I'm so close to my due date and this is just wearing me down. I don't want to get to the birth of my first child and have these feelings rushing around in me. I don't know what to do or how to get the message across.

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.....I have recently (like within the last few hours) actually discussed this and my feelings about it to my Mum and Sister and the outcome wasn't what I expected at all.
She has said she supports me and our decision for our birth plan but backs it up by also saying that 'you shouldn't exclude people then expect them to help after'. Now I have never once asked my Mum for anything during this pregnancy. I have even included her in some doctors and scan visits. I know that ill need some help when Bub arrives and have even told her that, so she knows I want her to be included. I think this comment was very selfish of her because she has a bee in her bonnet still about not being allowed to be in the room. .

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Oh hun :hug: I agree, that is a very selfish thing for her to say, she is making it all about her when really, it is not.

Perhaps you could try (gently) suggesting to her that people shouldn't expect their help to come with strings attached? This is her grandchild, you are her child. Her help and involvement should come because of her love for her family, not because she got her own way re the birth!
I know it doesn't always work like this (not with my mother anyway!) but it doesn't make it right for her to pressure you like that.

Deos she mean that if you won't have her at the birth, then you can expect no help & support after? That is blackmail, and a crummy attitude. I can only hope when you bub arrives she will change her tune.

Do stand your ground though. If this is what you & your DH have decided suits you, then that should be it. It is your child being born & your decision to make, and there will no doubt be more parenting choices you have to make over the years that she or others disagree with. You need to start standing your ground now.

What does your sister think about it all? Can she speak to your mother about it?
:hug: I really hope this all works out for you. you certainly don't need the stress at this stage of your PG, you should be relaxing & looking forward to it not stressing about it.

Emotional blackmail! Clear as day, babe - maybe she doesn't even realise she's just used it because her ego is bruised and is colouring her view of the situation? She was starting to sound reasonable until that point! Anyhow, her reasoning is illogical - what prevents her from helping you just because she's not there at the part where grandmothers are biologically non-essential? Nothing except her ego, actually.
It's sad that the only people we should just be able to assume will help can make the birth period so damn difficult! Mate, even if she doesn't help, it will be the people you least 'expect' who will come through for you. I made sure to tell my mum (when she 'allowed' me to talk to her) that my BiL's MiL made us a soup that lasted us days...she had no obligation and ordinarily has very little to do with us!!
I recommend getting in contact with your local ABA group now, too - those chicks work magic when they know you need it :)
You worry about yourself and your immediate 'nest' - it is NOT your responsiblity, particularly at this stage of pregnancy, to be responsible for other people's feelings when all you have done is worked on welcoming your child into your world in a way consistent with your values. Stay true to yourself, that's the best thing you can do for yourself, your DP and your baby, ok? Birth bullying is not on :hug:

I'm wondering the same thing - I'm at 30 weeks, and i have made the decision to ask my MIL to be there as i get along really really well with her, and feel alot more comfortable around her, especially when i know i will probably say a few choice words - also cause i know that my DH will get support as well. I love my mum, but she frustrates me and is very opinionated about certain things already. I know my MIL will be a great support and give me the strength and help that we will both need during the labour. Like all the other ladies here have said - ultimately its your choice, and you should be free to feel comfortable with that decision. That being said of course i have chickened out and not told mum yet that i have asked MIL to be there, cause i KNOW what her reaction will be like :rolleyes: typical.

I think it is a very personal thing. I wouldn't want anyone other than my DH and I there, for me it is a deeply personal and intimate thing between husband and wife. I also feel that it's not something I would want an audience for and also even though my mum and I are very close, it's not something that either of us would want.

my mother wont be there (nor will his) Tho, DH works away (week on week off) and if bubs comes while he's gone, i will want someone there and my mum is the only other person i would want there. Her or my SIL.
But hopefully bub can hang on for a time when DH is here :D :crossfingers: