Family Complications???

[lauradacombe]

Ok I'm not sure whether or not I'm making a big deal out of this or not but I wanted to see if other first time Mum's had their own mother in the birth suite for the labour??

My hubbie and I have had long discussions about this and feel we would like to do it on or own without my Mum there, however when I told her she seemed to be a bit upset like I didn't want her involved at all which is not the case.

I know with my sister and her first Bub my Mum was their and her hubby was very uncomfortable with her being their aswell. We don't want to start this beautiful journey my hubbie and I are about to embark on with resentful and uneasy feelings.

I think I just need reassurance that it's not always common for the mother of the bubs Mum to be in the delivery room.

[briggsy's girl]

my mum wasn't there - the only reason she even knew i was in the hospital was cos i was at her house when they called saying they needed me to come in (induction due to pre-eclampsia) and DH was at work so mum drove me over. my DH isn't comfy with my mum, i didn't want to feel like i was on someone elses timeline to deliver, so she was told not to be at the hospital, we'd call when DD arrived. at first, she was MEGA-narky about it. i ended up saying "get over it - you won't be there - it is OUR child not yours and there is no need for you to be there"

she was the first person we called (and it was me that made the call after returning from theatre after c/s - so it was a little while later) and she accepted that

make it clear now that, as much as you need her support, while you're labouring/birthing your baby it's all about you and your DH

i think the point that got through to my mum was that i wanted to be able to spend time bonding with DD before other people were asking to hold her. we wanted to do baby led attachment cos i was determined to BF - and i didn't want to feel uncomfy/like i had to cover up - and even though it was my mum, i knew when she was there she'd be a bit snap happy with the camera - it was something i just didn't want...

[Fleur]

Hi...

I had my mum in with me for my first, .... I was very young at the time...but having said that I have had a support person there (apart from DH) every other time. With number 3 I had Mum again and a friend as well as DH. We have a friend of ours coming in with us this time as well.

Our reason is that it can be quite intense and it is good to have a backup person not just for yourself but for DH also. However it is important that that is someone you BOTH are happy with, it's his experience too... I think ultimately it's about what the two of you are comfortable with.

It is not up to your mother...yes I can understand why she wants to be there, I would love to be too, but it is not her birth experience, it is yours & your DH's and the decision is for the two of you.

My sister just had her first...her DH didn't want her mother there at first but changed his mind..IMO it's a good thing for another person to be there, especially an older woman who has 'been there done that'.... but not at the cost of yours & your DH's ease, kwim?

So, I can't tell you how many have had their mothers there..I'm sure some have & some haven't.... but I am certain that it needs to be your decision.

Good luck

[Chocaholic]

Good lord no. My mother has not been in the delivery room at either birth. I could think of nothing worse.

I love my mum dearly but that time is for me and DH only (oh, & the midwife of course LOL!!). First birth she went shopping with my father & the next one she looked after DS1.

I suppose it is what the both of you are comfortable with. Some people see their mums as an integral support person but for me, that person is my DH. Oh, and I don't feel comfortable swearing in front of my mother & as that is how I usually deal with pain, I figured there woul be plenty of swear words flying. I was right!! Besides if I did anything to DH (like smacking him in the head - it really was an accident though), at least there would be not witnesses to repeat stories .

[~Kaz~]

I didn't have my mum at my DS's birth. It was just me and DH. It was never an issue with our respective families - there was no pressure or hinting etc. I am close to my mum and she is medically trained but I just really wanted it to be an experience for DP and I for similar reasons to Briggsy's Girl. I don't think we're that uncommon

I think it's really important that you are BOTH comfortable and relaxed. You won't labour as well if you feel even mildly anxious about something or if you're picking up on your DH's discomfort. Sometimes its good to have a third person available as Jasp said but sometimes you really need to just be quiet and in yourself and concentrating and not get too distracted by other people around you if that makes sense. You won't know how you'll labour until you labour but you sound like you've talked about it enough to have a fair idea.

If you're both definitely decided that it's just going to be the two of you, it might be best to just be upfront with her now, acknowledge she might be disappointed but explain your reasons and leave it at that. You are not your sister - just because your sister had her there, doesn't mean she should have assumed that you would do the same (if in fact that's what's she's done). There are so many other ways for grandparents/parents to get involved.

ETA: Good luck darl!

[willow5]

Good lord no. My mother has not been in the delivery room at either birth. I could think of nothing worse.

Couldn't agree more!
I didn't have my mum in the delivery room for either of my 2 births, it's been 15 years now and I haven't changed my mind for the third.

But it is your birthing experience the decision should be yours and DH's.
You should do whatever you're both comfortable with, good luck I'm sure everything will work out in the end

[briggsy's girl]

just thought i'd add - i did have my sil in the labour ward until i went down for c/s - her and DH get along really well, and she was there just as an extra person to take photos and things - and to have someone with me while he went to sleep (it had been a looooong few days)

SIL was ONLY in there cos DH gets along with her - if he hadn't i'd have not had anyone extra. she stepped back and didn't interfere - she didn't make anyone uncomfy etc sometimes an extra person is a blessing - but you BOTH need to agree on who that is

[sweetpea678]

I choose to have my mum there with my first two only because my now ex is hopeless at the birth bit, and mum stayed out of the room unless I wanted her in. With bub no 3 it was me dh and midwifes. My mum never expected to be there with any of the and only came because I asked her to.

To me it is your choice and if you don't want your mum there then you shouldn't.

[~Kim~]

I had my mum the first time, and DH really appreciated someone to support him. This time however everyone (including DH) was 600km away.
With my first bub, MIL was actually the offended one when she asked if she could attend and was told 'no thanks'.
My mum was a little offended when my sister asked me to go with her for her first bub, but she never would have told my sister that.
Geepers that was a ramble, but no I don't think it's that common. She can always be part of doctors/clinic visits, scans etc if you still want to include her....or not - your preg, your decision
I think it really depends on the relationship both you and your DH have with her.

[AwesomeFoursome]

My mum wasn't there when I had ds. Beforehand I couldn't think of anything worse than having her there, but about half way through the labour everything was going wrong and all I wanted was my Mum (besides the pain to end). But she was 5 hours away, so no way of it happening.

Maybe have her on call incase you change your mind in labour.

[mrsmac]

I loved my mum and had a great relationship with her but never had her at either of my DDs births. She never expected to be included and was always the first person I called when the bub had been born.
Since she has died and I have spilt from my 1st husband I kind of wished she had been there for DD1's birth cause then there would have been someone besides me who remembered the birth but its no big deal.
I think its rude of her to expect to be there, I certainly don't expect my DDs to have me at their births.

[Amaunet]

I will be having my mum (along with my DH) - but we have set some ground rules for her - ie DH is the primary support etc. when Blake is born - she can have a quick cuddle (after us) and then she will leave us alone as a family to bond etc.

I always wanted more than one support person, both DH's sisters have complained their DH's wore out too quickly and had to be roused on several occaisions LOL

In the end its your decision and like it or not your mum has to respect that.

[~Hestia~]

No way - my mum is not going to be there when I deliver!! It's not that we don't get along, I just wouldn't be comfortable with her in the room.
Plus giving birth to my son & meeting him for the first time is going to be so special for my DH & I - I don't want to share that with anyone!!
That being said she hasn't asked to be there so I never had to tell her that she wasn't welcome. Your mum should understand that it's your decision though.

[Nai]

No - I think DP would have had a fit if my mum had been there and there is no way that I could have relaxed with her there either.

Second time around my mum and MIL were in charge of DD1 so they had their hands full with their own very important job

[FabFiona]

I think it's a bit odd that your mum had an expectation that she would be there? Don't take this the wrong way, but surely she should be taking your lead on things and supporting your decisions?

Me and my husband made the baby, we will parent the baby and we will bring the baby into the world. I also want to make sure after baby is born that we get some time just the three of us before the grandmothers swoop! In fact, we've made it clear that they aren't to come to the hospital until we say we are ready.

I think you just need to stick to your guns and make it clear that you expect your mum to support your decisions, whatever they might be.

[misty]

No way do I want anyone but DH there. Luckily mum never had any desire to be in there - She says that she has been in the labour ward too many times in her life as it is (she had seven labours herself). My MIL had to be told quite firmly and repeatedly both times that she was not allowed to come in - I think she has finally got the hint, because she hasn't even suggested it once this pg.

[satya]

You may change your mind once you are in labour, particularly if it's a long one like I had (17 hours full on labour).

My partner and I agreed it would be just us in the labour ward.

After a day of prelabour & 6 hours of labour at home and a few at the hospital I realised my partner had called his mum & my parents & they were all on the way to the hospital. He asked if it was OK if his mum could come in. At first I was a bit shocked as we had agreed on having just us. He talked me into it pretty quickly though & I'm actually glad she came in. She gave heaps of support & rubbed my back & stuff & if he needed to have a break (like to go to the loo or have a smoke) it meant I always had someone with me. When my parents arrived they came in and out but when the actual birth happened I got the middy to get everyone except my partner to leave. That worked really well.

[fionas]

My mum lives in the UK but there's no way in the world that I would have had her in the delivery room with me in any case.

If and when DD gives birth, however, she will have to barricade the door to stop me being there ... and I imagine DP won't be far behind me. Poor girl LOL.