Is there a way we can resolve this without world war 3?*long*

So last weekend was SIL's wedding.

DH and I were both a part of the bridal party and DS was there too.
It was always agreed that MIL would watch DS when DH or I were unable to because of duties.
I originally wanted DS Godmum who lives nearby to come over for the day and be the primary carer as she actuall listens to our wishes but MIL cracked it big time :rolleyes:

Anyways....A few days before the wedding DS caught bronchialitis and was put on anti's...Doc told us to keep him away from crowds as he will be suscepitble to catching viral infections....
Now we have a problem with MIL treating DS like a pass the parcel at the best of times so both DH and I explained to her that she is not to allow others to hold him unless absolutely necessary

So we were panicking when we were off having pics taken for 2 hours but when we got to the reception and were about to eat I told MIL that if she needs to have a break to give DS straight to me as he is due for a feed anyways....
So imagine my suprise when I look up and see the waiting staff passing my son between them....
I sat there in shock and looked down the bridal table to see DH with the same reaction.
The final straw was when one of them went to walk out of teh reception room with DS - both DH and I sprung out of our chairs and went and grabbed him.

There were lots of snide comments from BIL and SIL about us not wanting to share our child (as far as I am concerned when you are drunk and 4 months pregnant you have no right to even talk to me about parenting!!!!!)
We had to give DS back to MIL - this time I look up and he is sucking on someones face and I have absolutely no idea who they are :(
Then we look over and MIL has given DS a desert spoon to chew on.....I asked her to be careful in case he falls forward on it...(not to mention that it migh have pav on it :wall: )
She gave me a withering look and told me she has a special needs child and 3 other children she can deal with this .... guess what happened. Ds fell forward on the spoon. :wall:

DH and I are both furious....it's like they are determined to undermine our wishes.
I have explained to DH that he needs to address this now as my talking to MIL clearly does nothing.
I even told her that DS would end up in hospital if he caught anything ....but she either doesn't care or thinks I am being melodramatic....

I would have gone off my rocker then and there but being a wedding couldn't really.

I don't want to cause a big family rift but at the end of the day she is purposely ignoring our wishes and putting DS at risk....

What would you do?

WW3!!! Bring it on.
I was always tip-toeing around my Ils trying not to offend them until the day that they went ahead and organised yasin's birthday party without asking me first.
I rang up and told them that there was no way in hell I was going. MIL chucked a wobbley and turned on the waterworks and I hung up on her.
I still can't stand her but since then she's not been quite so quick to interfere.

I think I'd have probably quietly left at the first infraction, or I'd have maybe not even gone at all.

You can't change the way other people behave, you can only set your own boundaries. You don't *have* to give the baby to anyone - if it mucks up plans such as photos, then it is down to your MIL, not you. And if you aren't willing to wear the fallout from your decisions to set boundaries, then that becomes an issue with you, not your ILs. (I mean that nicer than it sounds! I have similar issues with my very well meaning but sometimes quite misguided ILs.)

You've used the banging your head against a brick wall smiley - I've always had the motto that at some point, banging your head against a brick wall becomes self abuse ;)

Ahhh! That is SO frustrating :hug:. What is it about in-laws? We battled for a long time with MIL about feeding DS1 lollies and lemonade as a baby then toddler. She would actually do it behind our backs. What did we do? To this day she has NEVER babysat our kids, DS1 is nearly 5!

We don't care if she is offended, if she can't respect our wishes (she has been told NUMEROUS times) then she can't be trusted to look after our kids.

I don't know Dee, maybe just bring up your concerns if she wants to look after your DS again?

More hugs :hug:

I would put my foot down big time.

I'd her in no uncertain terms if she doesn't give crap about his health, and puts him in danger, she isn't welcome near him, and what a disgraceful grandparent she is.
let her know that him catching an infection could of been extremely serious, and she put him in a lot of danger. I would even end it with "how could you be so uncaring towards a little boy, your own grandson???"

But I am known to be very protective of my kids, and wouldn't stand for this....:p so my advise might be a little over the top for some..... ;)

You're DH really needs to deal with it. They are his family after all. Until it is dealt with though, I would be refusing to leave your child with the IL's.

Personally i'd be bringing on WW3!!!!!

If she won't listen to you or DH then she would only have herself to blame if you decided for her not to have contact with DS.

I am so angry I actually haven't been able to answer the phone when she calls....
DH says he is going to deal with it as it is the first time he has actually been as furious as I am over their actions.....

There is already tension as we won't go to their place and see them (they live in a shed with no heating) and I know that this is going to make it worse.

You know hun, it really doesn't matter whether you were being melodramatic, or overprotective, or anything else - you are his mum and people need to respect the parent's decisions whether they agree with them or not. It is NOT ok for anyone to blatantly disregard you. Your PIL had their turn at parenting and now it's your turn.

Your DH needs to be very firm with his mum, and let her know that if your trust is breached again there will be no more unsupervised visits - ever. This is the sort of thing that will escalate if you let it go - the lemonade behind your back etc as a PP said. Put your foot down now and stick to it - and yes, it's best coming from your DH. They are more likely to respect what he says.

GL hun. I hope they listen.

maybe there needs to be a big blow up so everyone can move on kwim? Get absolutely everything out in the open so everyone knows exactly where they stand with each other. She clearly shows you no respect and that wont change at all unless you stand up to her - your DH really needs to talk to her too, to show that yep, she's his mum but you are his wife and the mother of his child and he supports you 100% and your needs come before hers now that he is an adult with a family of his own. Her attitude at the wedding was absolutely disgraceful and purely so she could bignote herself when the entire family was watching and to do that to you and make you look like a numpty is unforgivable IMO because she will do it every time you all get together.

Trill - I completely agree.
DH reckons it's like her and FIL are saying - we've raised 4 kids - we know how to do it and we are going to MAKE you see that our way is good!

Grrrr!

Bring on WW3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How disrespectful of you and DH instructions, with no regard for her grandsons health.

good luck your DH need to sort it out ASAP and they should not expect you to visit in a shed with no heating.

Families are too much hard work sometimes aren't they? :hug: I think your DH is right, what they did with their kids worked perfectly fine for them, so they can't see that anyone who does things a bit different is also right. I hope it is all resolved soon for you for Blue's sake so he doesn't have to grow up watching his grandmother constantly undermine his mum.

Just before my post is read, I understand the il issues, and I am not supporting your il's even if that is the way it comes across. I am at the stage that I refuse to stay with mine next time we go to NZ due to MIL undermining me..

I agree that your DH needs to discuss with them why you are both upset and angry at the way they acted with your DS in their care. But getting really worked up over the past isn't going to get you anywhere. It is going to look like you and DH are holding grudges and are making things difficult (totally ignore if you are happy to start ww3 though).

Maybe when DH talks to them, he needs to explain that after some events of the past, not just the wedding (I have read some of your other posts) they need to regain your trust before you will leave your DS in their care again (even for an hour or 2). This can be done at social gatherings where you are there and can easily intervene if they are doing something you don't like.. Also the things they do that you have mentioned that really irritate you, let them know what you would have preferred (and make sure the option is always there). IF they are forever re-occuring, have a list for them. And tell them that until they prove they can look after him your way, they can't look after him.

e.g - you can't hold him for a moment = put him the pram beside you instead of passing him to others.
instead of giving him a spoon to play with = there are plenty of teethers in his bag.
he is sick = you don't want to infect other people, so no kissing of anyone..

Regardless of them bringing up 4 kids (including special needs), this is your son, your way. If they don't like it, then it is their problem. You are not obliged to give them time with your son. As I have said with my DH, my parents are no saints and we do things different to what they did, but they try to do things our way. I have had similar arguements with my own mum, not just MIL.

Not sure how they will work in your situation, but I have had to go back to the basics and spell everything out with my MIL. I have DH's support with it but he can get a bit soft, it is his mother after all. I am scared sh*tless about being in hospital for 3 or 4 nights when I have this baby and DD will be with my IL's a fair bit in that time.. My only saving thought is that if they let her do things out of routine, I won't be there at night to pick up the pieces, they have to do it.

I don't think you should go in there with the mindset of world war 3 but if it happens so be it kwim. People need to learn to respect your wishes. Your his MOTHER I would of walked out, wedding or not. That is just completely unacceptable. I feel so angry for you.

KL - I don't want WW3 but it just seems everytime we have issues with them it's MY fault. Even if I'm not the one with the issue they all look at me like I'm the one who instigated it all :(

I wanted to walk out and as it was we left very soon after the cutting of the cake and first dance.


I just really feel that without a big blow up they are not going to pay any attention to what we have to say IYKWIM?

Sometimes with family (mine anyway) you just can't talk about it.
You can explain until your blue in the face then they just go and do what they like when your back is turned.

What do I do?
Avoid, aviod, avoid!!

WW3 just isn't worth it in the long run.
Just limit your contact and avoid them as much as humanly possible!!
I also moved 1500km between each side of the family :)

I wouldnt approach it from the side of if you dont do ABC you wont get to see your grandson, do it the other way - it is so important for him to have you in his life and we want him to spend time with you - you need to be consistent with our parenting wishes etc...

It is important to have these people in your lives - even if nothing else but to give you a break occasionally :lol: - it is something I never get and would value very highly, and yes sometimes it does take a bit of compromise - but not to the point of endangering a bubs health of course..

LaDeeDah Oh I'm so angry for you!!! When reading your post i gasped so loud especially about your ds falling on the spoon that my dh came in asking what was wrong!! eeks... Just want to say I'm glad your DH is going to try to talk some sense into them...

Toomany- two thumbs up for such an eloquent opinion! I thought that too but would never have been able to verbalise it the way you did.

And I like how heather has suggested you give them options, that way it doesn't sound like it's your way or the highway (though it shouldn't matter cause you're MUM but it comes across better to the IL's)
Let us know how it goes! I'll be thinking about you for the rest of the day now!

I'd probably get your DH to give them a call and ask them some "why" questions eg. we enjoyed the wedding but were wondering why you gave DS to the waiting staff when we'd asked you not to?

They'll probably dig themselves a hole, DH can keep saying, "yes, but WHY did you do it when we'd asked you not to?"

Then I'd get him to end the conversation with "well, if you're just going to ignore us when we tell you what the doctor's told us is best for DS then I'm sorry but you can't look after him any more."

I think start off with some why questions though. Otherwise the alternative is just to tell them off without even attempting to hear their side of the story which never ends well.

I don't think what I've suggested will necessarily prevent World War 3, just gives you a United Nations resolution to go ahead with it IYKWIM.

Thanks Everyone for the suggestions - I need them as I still have the red mist over the eyes :rofl:

SamiH - They live 4 hours away so they never are here when we need a break - but regardless they are important in DS's life. I grew up without extended family and I don't want him to do the same.

Fionas - great suggestions. we need a switzerland me thinks ...LOL I just feel so frustrated because we have tried to talk to them calmly and civilly so many times about various issues with DS that now I am just over it.....
Not very mature I know but where I am.

The reason I also say that WW3 is going to start is after this weekend DH and I have finalised our decision about DS's godmother having him if godforbid anything should happen to he and I and we will be updating our will accordingly......
MIL is going to go postal ..... but if she can't respect our wishes for 5 hours how would she go raising our child according to our wishes?

*sigh* seriously sucky situation!

Tough situation when it involves family. Your his mother and she needs to respect that, if not well then she is the one that will miss out. I think your dh needs to speak to her and let her know once again that you were not happy with the situation and honestly cant trust her to respect your parenting wishes so she will not be looking after him again.
I hope things workout for you and that it is not going to be a WW3.

As the situation has ended I wouldn't do anything about it now....

However next time she asks for your DS to stay over or whatever thats when I'd be sending in the big guns (DH) to explain why that won't be happening.

And maybe put a subtle bumper sticker on your car so she can read it "Parent my way - or the highway" ;)...She might get the message then lol....

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The reason I also say that WW3 is going to start is after this weekend DH and I have finalised our decision about DS's godmother having him if godforbid anything should happen to he and I and we will be updating our will accordingly......
MIL is going to go postal ..... but if she can't respect our wishes for 5 hours how would she go raising our child according to our wishes?

*sigh* seriously sucky situation!

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Um, why would you make this a topic of conversation with them anyway? My father or my MIL have never asked who gets our kids if something happens to us - unless you have actually asked them in the past, curious why you would mention it to them at all?

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Um, why would you make this a topic of conversation with them anyway? My father or my MIL have never asked who gets our kids if something happens to us - unless you have actually asked them in the past, curious why you would mention it to them at all?

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They brought it up with us....

have they asked and want an answer specifically? Unbelievable. And rude. And presumptious.

But - to move on, just say something along the lines that they should enjoy their golden years ... :lol:

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!! I am seething for you LaDeeDa!

Bring on WW3 - sometimes I think MILs need to be reminded of where they sit in the pecking order!

I think that you DH definitely needs to say something but ultimately you might have to let it slide but no that she can't be trusted in future :rolleyes:

In regards to who gets blue... I always thought you chose someone who is closer to our age or younger (and obviously someone you trust), it just doesn't make sense to me to choose either my parents or his :dunno: